I can't believe I forgot--dysphoria and other gender musings and ramblings by Heart

[Guest]

(I apologise for length, I just needed to document my current feelings, should I forget again)

 

Mind over matter, I told myself a year and two weeks ago, overcome by the perfect storm of panic and dysphoria, mind over matter; this is a problem for another day.  So much had I taken this to heart that I had not only willed my confusion and heartache into a cage deep in the recesses of my mind, left to rot away, but also forgotten that I had done so.  Until now.  Until two weeks ago, precisely a year since the first? last? most recent? seething internal turmoil.  Now more than ever, I am sure that that was not the first time, and now more than ever, I am absolutely pissed  that this has been the only societally acceptable way to cope.  Forget, leave it until another day, pray that day will never come and you'll be free forever of the crushing feeling of wrongness.

 

Once again, the hammer came down and shattered my barely-held-together semblance of normalcy, with a side of femininity?  I know I'm not female, that much has been clear to mean since primary school, or rather was until I forced it away until another day.  But to suddenly be slammed into a wall of "HEART IS A FUCKING FAKE--THEIR LIFE A PILE OF LIES" is another thing altogether, not a feeling of knowing but of being, once again, completely at a loss, and certainly in a rage.  I don't know how much is me and how much is internalized transphobia, resigning myself to apathy of self for fear of shame, of losing familial support, or of pursuing a "truer form" for it only to be false, a fad, or another form of whimsy.

 

I'm just a mess right now; confused with myself and confused as to how I could forget so much of my past.  I like facts, I like knowledge I can't stand this limbo feeling--I need to sort this out ASAP.

 

I think I'm ready to face/embrace my identity this time; at the very least I don't want to forget this time--

"she" pronouns are rampant below--not because I feel they apply to me, but out of habit I suppose, that and not quite knowing if I prefer he or they.

 

Heart age 5:  angry at Catholic school uniform, not because of the shoes (which were great for running), but of the mandatory jumpers/dresses on Wednesdays, for girls only of course.  I was also too tall for the uniform, so for modesty sake they made me wear tights underneath, which of course would get snagged at recess, and which of course would end in me going home and my mother yelling at me for not being more careful/ladylike.

 

Heart age 6:  insistent on being called "Alex" in any pretend game sheerly for the sake of gender ambiguity, or out of uncertainty.  Either way being very upset when another friend claimed Alex" for themselves without having a reason as good as mine, settling on always choosing a nameless character that shifts form at will.

 

Heart age 7:  actually meets a person names Alex who is everything my ideal character was supposed to be.  I would rush off the bus to tell my mother about my new friend Alex and how they were such a good artist (small children intrinsically understand neutral pronouns, don't they, funny how we lose that ability), and all my mother would ask is "Is Alex a boy or a girl?" every single time, to which I'd reply "I dunno, but anyways…"  because it didn't matter, and I preferred it that way.  I wanted to be just like Alex, except occasionally wear dresses because they made pretty twirls when you spun around.

 

Heart age 9:  constantly peeved because 80% of friends didn't want to hang out anymore because "girls have cooties", of course.

 

Heart age 11:  boobs start appearing and Heart is not happy.  Taking inspiration from a character from a favorite series (Alanna the female knight), Heart pilfers ACE bandages from the first aid kit and tries to remedy the situation.  This continued until school began; Heart's bandages got a lot of strange looks in the PE locker room and Heart is afraid of them falling off during PE--besides it's not very comfortable to exercise in them.  Heart continues to wear them on weekends until one time their mother notices the lack of breasts, to which Heart panics and says they're wearing a new sports bra.  Heart doesn't know much, but is sure that mother would not be pleased to know they were binding--bandages were returned to the first aid kit. 

 

Heart age 13:  moves.  Is now more at the mercy of parents and is not happy.

 

Heart age 14:  finds a new sport on a coed team.  Is pleased at being the second strongest on the team.   Plus a good excuse to wear sport bras three days a week, no?

 

Heart age 15:  friends have gotten very into cosplay and want to do a group cosplay together.  Would Heart mind being the boy character, it makes the most sense since she's the tallest, right?  Heart is okay with it--that was their favorite character of the group, plus no one else would be able to do him justice so why not.  Heart tells their mother the costume plans and mother flies into another one of her rages--how dare Heart's friends be so manipulative and how dare Heart let herself be a pushover--she was not going to stand for her daughter running around a public space pretending to be a boy.  Heart is apathetic.  Borrows wig from a friends and gets screamed at again "promise me you'll never cut your hair that short, because with that jawline of yours you'll look like a boy".  Again Heart is apathetic--that doesn't sound like the worst of fates.

 

Heart age 16:  is caught researching binders, plays it off as cosplay research both for their mom's sake and for their own confused feeling's sake.  Mother is still vehemently anti-cosplay, anti-particular-friend since the "boy" episode.

 

Heart age 17:  applies to a traditionally women's university.  Is acting more feminine than ever and has learned how to use said femininity to her advantage to manipulate others, much as her mother does.  Feels powerful from the power "she" is commanding, so plays up the act.

 

Heart age 19:  panic/dysphoria attack.  Heart can't keep up the act anymore and memories come flooding back.  It's less than one week before she has to go home for holiday, so they pull it together, force the memories away, and labels it a problem for another day.  Heart has a gnawing sense that something is amiss, but life goes on as per usual.

 

Heart age 20:  repeat Heart age 19