Questions I'm desperate for answers too

[FannyP]

Hey I'm new here!! 

 

I'm sure a lot of what I have to ask and say has been said 100 x over lol but it's easier for me to ask direct questions to my relationship.  

 

I am a sexual person in a relationship with someone who fits into the criteria of an A sexual .. 

 

In April It will be our 3rd anniversary.  

 

I'm in a lesbian relationship and she isn't the best at communication well let me be totally honest with you she is crap at communication,  where I like to talk everything through... hence why I'm probably here.... 

 

So I have questions I would love sexual and Asexual answers ( I know I ask a lot for a newbee) 

 

My questions 

 

1) Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"?? 

 

 

2) "compromise" (I hate this word please help me with another) sex should be consetional on both parts even in a relationship would my partner " compromising" be classed as a sexual assault because she feels she needs too... 

 

 

3)is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it she completely shuts down about it and it can start an argument it's all her way or no way. 

 

4) if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more?? 

 

5) is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year.. (she did tell me that she wasn't really into sex but the first year was full of it and I just thought she hadn't had the "right sexual partner" how nieve of me.) 

 

6) do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect?? 

 

7) sexual frustration is a very real thing for me.. before I was medicated for MH reasons I classed my self as a nympho it's got better but how do you explain that to an Asexual ....

 

 

Thank you so much for your time and hopefully some answers 

A very confused person.... 

[roland.o]

Hello FannyP, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...  :-)

 

I'll provide my opinion to some of your questions. Please bear in mind that this is just one opinion, not a general consensus or anything.

 

21 minutes ago, FannyP said:

Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"??

Nope, it doesn't. Beauty is aesthetic. Telling someone they're beautiful could be interpreted as romantic. Asexuality doesn't stop anyone from appreciating beauty, or from being romantic. However, some asexuals are also aromantic.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

 

24 minutes ago, FannyP said:

is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it

No it's not fair. Doesn't have anything to do with you being sexual though. It's a problem in your relationship, so the partner should be willing to at least acknowledge and discuss it, even if they cannot empathize or fully understand you.

 

26 minutes ago, FannyP said:

if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more?

I've read an opinion somewhere else, on a completely different topic, which might apply:

Not doing something you like is less of a compromise than doing something you dislike.

The reason being that you can still do other things you like, iirc.

 

28 minutes ago, FannyP said:

is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year

From what I've read around here, that feeling is quite common in your situation. Personally, I think it is ok to feel like that.

 

29 minutes ago, FannyP said:

do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect?

You have the right to ask. Your partner has the right to reject. You have the right to try and discuss it. And you have the right to leave if your partner's behavior becomes too much of a burden for you in this relationship. But you cannot oblige your partner to do such things if they're not willing.

 

Good luck to you! I believe you found a good community here for answering your questions. Others are bound to chime in soon. While you're waiting, have another cake  :-)

[Galactic Turtle]

39 minutes ago, FannyP said:

1) Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"?? 

Not at all. I'm aro-ace and just because of my personality (not having anything to do with orientation) I'm not the type to hand out compliments very often. I think that's why my friends/family are floored whenever I say they're pretty or that I like their hair or article of clothing. However as an aro-ace who is touch averse, I have found that I do resort to having to use more intimate words to communicate feelings with my friends when they're having a hard time since I don't initiate physical contact with them.

 

39 minutes ago, FannyP said:

2) "compromise" (I hate this word please help me with another) sex should be consetional on both parts even in a relationship would my partner " compromising" be classed as a sexual assault because she feels she needs too

Sex needs to be consensual and I think sex should be off the table if your partner is sex averse/repulsed. However communication is really important in this category. Even my heterosexual friend spent over a month talking to her partner about sex before they actually had it and took many other steps before going all the way. When it comes to physical intimacy I'd say it might be worth while to explore other things that's not full on sex so you can more easily find out where each other's limits are.

 

39 minutes ago, FannyP said:

3)is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it she completely shuts down about it and it can start an argument it's all her way or no way.

It's not fair because communication is key however if she's acting this way I'd say there's a good chance she's sex averse/repulsed in which case there might be no room for compromise on her end in which case the two of you won't be sexually compatible no matter what you do.

 

40 minutes ago, FannyP said:

4) if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more??

Having sex you don't want can be scarring to say the least. I understand that sexuals have certain needs and that not being desired physically can cause certain insecurities however I wouldn't put that in the same category as being coerced into physically intimate situations. Either way it sucks and at some point I think people need to realize (even in sexual/sexual relationships) that sometimes your sex preferences are just too different.

 

40 minutes ago, FannyP said:

5) is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year.. (she did tell me that she wasn't really into sex but the first year was full of it and I just thought she hadn't had the "right sexual partner" how nieve of me.)

I've heard that people go into relationships not knowing they're asexual which was probably the case for her. That first year of sex probably pushed her to whatever her limit was. Other sexuals feel lied to and from my point of view there's not really a way to change how you feel on command. So yes, it's ok to feel the way you feel.

 

40 minutes ago, FannyP said:

6) do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect??

Sure. You can ask for whatever you want. Asking and getting an answer is better than never asking and never knowing. Asking questions might open up more opportunities for communication on the topic.

 

40 minutes ago, FannyP said:

7) sexual frustration is a very real thing for me.. before I was medicated for MH reasons I classed my self as a nympho it's got better but how do you explain that to an Asexual

I'm asexual and I know what sexual frustration means even if I don't personally understand what that feeling is.

 

This is all just my opinion of course...

[Telecaster68]

I'd agree with the other posts, but also add that your partner doesn't have to understand what it feels like for you - she just has to accept that you're hurting and it's a problem for the relationship, so you both have to be part of the solution. Refusing to talk about it means she's refusing to work on your relationship. She might have valid reasons for feeling she can't, but that still leaves you in the same situation: how long can you continue in a relationship where she's unable or unwilling to work towards a solution?

[try again]

As an aromantic, who happens to be highly introverted, i can confirm that saying out loud things like "you are beautiful" to someone can be very very hard, even though i can feel it inside me. I still have troubles saying "i love you" to my family members.

[LadyWallflower]

First, every person is completely different, so please keep that in mind. So my answers to you only represent the personal feelings of one  Ace.

 

1. Not at all. Being asexual does not stop you from thinking people are beautiful. I think people are beautiful, handsome, stunning, confident, cool, and so on. And I will definitely compliment people. The only thing I don't do is look at a person and desire to have sex with them. (Of course, some people may be shy and having difficult saying this aloud. It doesn't mean they are not thinking it).

 

2. You are not forcing her via threats of physical violence or via ways of emotional manipulation, so I wouldn't call it sexual assault.

 

3. The key to ANY relationship is communication. Whether that be two Aces, two non-Aces, or an Ace and a non-Ace. Communication is definitely key. Perhaps, if you and your partner struggle to have a real conversation face-to-face, you could try communication via letters. That has helped me in the past when I have difficulty vocalizing my feelings.

 

4. I'm not sure what you mean here. It's really up to the Ace and the non-Ace. Some Aces REALLY dislike sex. For example, I cry hysterically. Other people merely find it boring. And some derive pleasure from it. On the other spectrum, some non-Aces find sex to be an extremely important, vital part of their life, and other non-Aces are cool with having sex only occasionally. A compromise expects both people to bend a little. Who ends up bending more is according to whatever agreement is made.

 

5. It is somewhat common for Aces to have more sex early on in the relationship, and then to start having less sex as the relationship progresses. Exactly why, I'm not sure. One interpretation is that people can handle things well, and the longer they have to do something, the more tiring it is to do it. For example, when I started having to do overtime at my job, I was fine at first. But as time progressed, I became increasingly unable to deal with hours expected of me. I'm not comparing overtime to sex, I just mean the general principal. People also generally find new things more interesting at first, and then get tired of it. Two non-Aces who have sex will also often have less sex as their relationship progresses. This is considered the end of their honeymoon phase. (People also just get bored of it as time passes). Of course, you have the right to be disappointed or hurt by this change of pace. You have the right to that feeling.

 

6. You have the right to ask for anything you want. Just like she has the right to refuse. There is certainly nothing wrong with asking if hand-holding, cuddling, kissing and so on is ok. How else can a compromise me fully understood if the rough guidelines are not laid out?

 

7. Aces are fully capable of understanding and emphasizing with the fact that other people have sexual desires. Tell her the same way you would tell a non-Ace.

 

Some general advice. There are many different ways to compromise. Here are some examples.

1. Some will compromise over the total amount of times they will have sex. They will have sex ___ times per month.

2. Some compromises will have actual dates and times pre-chosen. It is sometimes easier for some Aces if they can be prepared. Other Aces are complete opposites. Knowing ahead of time will give them anxiety. Spontaneity is best for them.

3. Some Aces will find some sexual acts are more interesting / tolerable / likable than others. Of course, this is true with non-Aces as well. Some compromises can deal with eliminating some sexual acts, but will instead do another one. For example, one Ace may find oral sex very difficult, but is willing to kiss more often instead. If you want, you can even make this an agreement. The non-Ace will agree to never ask the Ace to do ____. In return, the Ace will try to ____ more often.

 

Other things to keep in mind.

4. Some Aces will prefer to initiate sex. Other Aces will NEVER initiate sex. Some Ace will remain entirely passive during sex. That does not mean they hate it. It is just easier for them to handle it. Other Aces will prefer to be more active. They are having sex because their partner desires it, so they want to make sure their partner enjoys it.

5. Is it important to know what sexual acts the Ace prefers. If an Ace really dislikes one kind of sexual act, then promising not to do that act will leave the Ace more comfortable. The Ace may be more willing to do other kinds of sexual acts, because they know other kinds of sexual acts won't "build-up" to the kind they don't like.

6.  Some platonic touches may leave the Ace worried because they feel it may "lead-up" to a sexual act. Having platonic acts be clearly platonic may help the Ace have more platonic touches with the non-Ace. For example, if it is understood that "cuddling" will only be "cuddling," the Ace may cuddle more often.

7. Non-Aces are allowed to ask their Ace partner if they are willing to try new things. The non-Ace is just as important in the relationship as the Ace. You just need to remember that the Ace has the right to say no.

8. The non-Ace should think about what sexual or platonic acts are more important to them. Is there any sexual acts the non-Ace is willing to never do? Is there a sexual or platonic act that is extremely important to the non-Ace? Non-Aces should know this about themselves too. It is not just Aces that should think about this.

 

In the end, by not communicating with you, your partner is in the wrong. Communication is the key, and you have every right to be hurt that she is not communicating.

 

[SweetieBot]

1 hour ago, FannyP said:

1) Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"?? 

Generally no. There may be a few things going on here. So, I'm not sure if you're familiar with the Split Attraction Model. It's basically the understanding that there are different types of attraction and they don't go hand in hand the way people often seem to think they do. The primary types of attraction are sexual, romantic, and aesthetic. Beauty (as stated above) would fall into the aesthetic realm. Telling someone they're beautiful can be an aesthetic thing or a romantic thing. It could be that your partner falls more into the aromantic area so these types of comments don't necessarily come naturally to them.

 

Alternatively, there could be a concern that comments like that could be misinterpreted since for a lot of people all of the types of attraction go hand in hand. I know some people have experienced people expecting that if you think someone is beautiful or whatever you must want sex when that's obviously not the case.

 

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2) "compromise" (I hate this word please help me with another) sex should be consetional on both parts even in a relationship would my partner " compromising" be classed as a sexual assault because she feels she needs too... 

 

This is a question only your partner can answer. Sex should be consensual. Full stop. However, some asexuals feel that compromise on the part of the asexual partner is inherently coerced and should be classified as such, but some asexuals don't feel that way at all. They often compromise for a variety of reasons. Based on what you've said here it sounds like your partner may be sex repulsed which may make compromise a no go.

 

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3)is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it she completely shuts down about it and it can start an argument it's all her way or no way. 

Communication is key in all relationships and even more so in mixed relationships (no matter if that mix is in orientation, sex drive, or anything else). So, no, it's not fair that she won't even talk to you about the issue. It sounds like any communication on the issue has been negative however rather than a lack of communication. It sounds like there may be a fair amount of frustration on both sides to be honest.

 

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4) if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more?? 

This again depends who you ask - especially because asexuals view sex differently. For someone who is sex repulsed the answer would be different than for someone who is sex indifferent. I like what someone said upthread about not doing something you like being different then doing something you actively dislike, but then that's going to be different for every ace.

 

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5) is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year.. (she did tell me that she wasn't really into sex but the first year was full of it and I just thought she hadn't had the "right sexual partner" how nieve of me.) 

I mean, it's possible she hadn't realized she was ace (that's pretty common actually). It's totally okay to feel lied to as long as you realize that it's very possible that it wasn't a lie on her end so much as a lack of knowledge. We're all always learning and growing and even for non-asexuals their sex drives and desires can shift over time.

 

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6) do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect?? 

 

You always have the right to ask, but she also always has the right to say no. This is related to the communication thing from before. It's possible she is giving you all she is comfortable with/all she can and it's possible this is all she will ever be able to give you in that area. At that point you have a decision to make. Again, communication is key.

 

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7) sexual frustration is a very real thing for me.. before I was medicated for MH reasons I classed my self as a nympho it's got better but how do you explain that to an Asexual ....

Having never felt that I can't really tell you how to explain it to an asexual. I understand it on an abstract level, but I will likely never fully understand it. It's possible your partner might be able to understand through an analogy of sorts - I've heard people compare it to things like hunger though I personally think that's a deeply flawed analogy.

 

Anyways, welcome to Aven. Have some  and good luck!

[cjk]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry to say this, but it doesn't seem like you're very happy in your relationship. I could answer your questions but it seems like you've got several great answers already that sum up the truth: everyone and everyone's relationship is different, and communication is vital. I, personally, am sex-adverse and couldn't see myself having sex with anyone for any reason; that's why I don't date non-asexuals. (This is a personal decision to avoid drama. Many asexuals date non-asexuals.) However, I figured that out before I got into a long term relationship and imagine that if I hadn't, I would feel very confused, obligated and even possibly angry--not because of my partner, but more out of frustration. That may be what your girlfriend is going through and the reason that she's shutting down. The fact that she used to have sex more often and is now changing that may be a sign that she is undergoing a change in how she identifies. I can't say because I am not her, but it sounds like sex may be a dealbreaker, as it is for many of us.

 

Either way, communication is going to be vital and if she's not willing to talk to you the relationship is not going to work out. There's nothing you can do about that except try to be as compassionate as possible, given that you must be feeling quite frustrated and unloved.  Also--I don't think you would do this, but it merits saying--but don't pressure her into sex. Ask her point-blank if she could see having sex with you; then access if you can live with that level of intimacy, if there are other compromises she would be comfortable with, or if this is a difference you cannot overcome. There are many resources about the spectrum of asexuality on this site that may help you understand where she falls that may be useful to understanding her boundaries. 

 

And as for the "you're beautiful" question: no, it doesn't. I can at least give a straightforward answer to that one! More emotional intimacy is absolutely something you deserve in a relationship, and something you are entitled to demand.

 

Good luck!

 

 

[nanogretchen4]

In addition to the extreme sexual incompatibility, your relationship is laboring under poor communication, trust issues, and a general lack of affection and concern from your girlfriend. Does this relationship have some amazing strengths you haven't mentioned that balance all that out? Do you have children together? If the answer to both of those questions is no, don't forget that breaking up is a great option.

[gaogao]

Hi FannyP! Welcome to AVEN -- I won't answer all your questions individually because so many people have already given you some really great answers.

 

Everyone's relationships are different because all people are different.. but I'd like you to at least know you aren't alone. I am an asexual girl in a lesbian relationship with a sexual girlfriend and we've struggled with a lot of the things you're talking about here including compromise and what it means to each of us. The only way we've sorted it out is through a LOT of talking and communication -- as what a lot of people have said here, communication is key. If your gf is not willing to talk and only wants things her way, that's not really a good sign.

 

If there's anything specific to mixed sexuality lesbian relationships you're worried about or if you would like me to talk about my experiences in any further detail, feel free to ask -- also my PMs are open!

[FaerieFate]

3 hours ago, FannyP said:

Hey I'm new here!! 

 

I'm sure a lot of what I have to ask and say has been said 100 x over lol but it's easier for me to ask direct questions to my relationship.  

 

I am a sexual person in a relationship with someone who fits into the criteria of an A sexual .. 

 

In April It will be our 3rd anniversary.  

 

I'm in a lesbian relationship and she isn't the best at communication well let me be totally honest with you she is crap at communication,  where I like to talk everything through... hence why I'm probably here.... 

 

So I have questions I would love sexual and Asexual answers ( I know I ask a lot for a newbee) 

 

My questions 

 

1) Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"?? 

 

 

2) "compromise" (I hate this word please help me with another) sex should be consetional on both parts even in a relationship would my partner " compromising" be classed as a sexual assault because she feels she needs too... 

 

 

3)is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it she completely shuts down about it and it can start an argument it's all her way or no way. 

 

4) if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more?? 

 

5) is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year.. (she did tell me that she wasn't really into sex but the first year was full of it and I just thought she hadn't had the "right sexual partner" how nieve of me.) 

 

6) do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect?? 

 

7) sexual frustration is a very real thing for me.. before I was medicated for MH reasons I classed my self as a nympho it's got better but how do you explain that to an Asexual ....

 

 

Thank you so much for your time and hopefully some answers 

A very confused person.... 

Ultimately this boils down to talking to her, but I'll try to answer all of the questions, yes?

1. Depends on the asexual? Beauty is more based on aesthetic attraction, but I personally don't see beauty. Perhaps you can tell your partner that you'd like more compliments?

2. Well, that's the thing. The word compromise assumes nothing. The sexual isn't forced to give up sex, and the asexual isn't forced to have it. It just depends on what both sides are comfortable with doing for the other. Also, compromise could mean the sexual talks to the asexual about seeking sexual stimulation outside of the relationship so that the asexual isn't forced into anything they don't want to.

3. You're a couple. You should both be willing to talk about it. Perhaps a relationship counselor to teach you two how to talk about things that makes the other uncomfortable?

4. Like I already said, compromise depends on the two individuals at hand. Some asexuals (like myself) have a high libido/sex drive. So, if I were in a relationship, I may compromise to have sex. Some sexuals may not consider sex an important thing in relationships, so they may compromise to not have sex. Also, like I said earlier. Some relationships can end up in an open relationship where the sexual can seek sexual stimulation outside of the relationship if both sides are comfortable with that.

5. I think that assuming sex is a very harmful thing to the relationship, despite how your partner act. 

6. I think you don't 'have the right' to do anything. However, you can talk to her about it? Be like, "Hey, I would really like to cuddle more, can we talk about the lack of cuddles?"

7. Be honest?

 

Like I said, a lot of this would be fixed by talking to your partner. Just be sure to come at it from their point of view. I don't know the person, but really try to understand them. Personally, I'd be happy if my partner said, "Hey, I know you're not comfortable with sex, but I really love you. Can we talk about how we can reach a solution here hat'd make us both happy? Because I really don't want this to hurt our relationship."

[FannyP]

Thank you everyone for your replies .. 

 

I'm very much in love with her that's what makes it so hard... 

 

I'm not unhappy to the point I want to through our relationship away I've promised her I wouldn't and I couldn't... 

 

I should have stated that these questions are to try and help our relationship as the communication is poor.. 

 

To get other people's opinions that are not my friends who give shitty advice as they don't live In this relationship... 

 

I'm going to re read all the comments and digest them 

[Treesarepretty]

On 11/1/2017 at 6:29 AM, FannyP said:

1) Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"?? 

 

 

2) "compromise" (I hate this word please help me with another) sex should be consetional on both parts even in a relationship would my partner " compromising" be classed as a sexual assault because she feels she needs too... 

 

 

3)is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it she completely shuts down about it and it can start an argument it's all her way or no way. 

 

4) if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more?? 

 

5) is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year.. (she did tell me that she wasn't really into sex but the first year was full of it and I just thought she hadn't had the "right sexual partner" how nieve of me.) 

 

6) do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect?? 

 

7) sexual frustration is a very real thing for me.. before I was medicated for MH reasons I classed my self as a nympho it's got better but how do you explain that to an Asexual ....

I know I am late on this, but...

 

1. Best answered by an ace. 

 

2. Consenting to something and wanting it to happen are different things. I don't want to go to a classical music concert, but I consent to do it with my wife because it makes her happy. 

 

3. "Fair" is the wrong way to think about it. Think of it like problems and solutions. If one partner has a problem and the other partner refuses to even discuss that problem, then I would argue that the couple has two problems. In your case, difference in sex desire is one problem, and a refusal to communicate is another. 

 

4. Who is compromising more depends upon how much you can endure celebacy and how much your partner can endure sex, but because you cannot get in each other's heads, making a really accurate measurement of this is impossible. Again, this requires a lot of communication, probably with a bit of trial and error around specific sexual acts and schedules. 

 

5. Yes, it is perfectly fine for you to feel this way. Also, chalk up your nievete to the entertainment media choosing the "chosen one" storyline for lots of movies, books, and tv shows. 

 

6. No one can arrest you for asking, so yes, you have the right to ask. Again: problems and solutions. Is it a problem that you don't get enough non-sexual cuddling? Is your partner refusing to talk about it? If both answers are yes, then you have two problems, and the second one is far worse because it can easily extend to everything else in the relationship. 

 

7. The way I went about it was to both describe the literal feeling, and also to use a simile.

 

The literal feeling is when I go 3 days or more without climaxing, I get a feeling like I got kicked in the gut and have to vomit, and this feeling gets worse the longer it continues.

 

The simile is that receiving something non-sexual when I have gone without sex for awhile is like receiving a beautiful ice sculpture when I haven't eaten in a day or two. No matter how good the sculpture is, or how much effort went into it, it doesn't mean as much as a sandwich or a bag of chips and bowl of salsa. 

[MrDane]

On 1/11/2017 at 2:29 PM, FannyP said:

Hey I'm new here!! 

 

I'm sure a lot of what I have to ask and say has been said 100 x over lol but it's easier for me to ask direct questions to my relationship.  

 

I am a sexual person in a relationship with someone who fits into the criteria of an A sexual .. 

 

In April It will be our 3rd anniversary.  

 

I'm in a lesbian relationship and she isn't the best at communication well let me be totally honest with you she is crap at communication,  where I like to talk everything through... hence why I'm probably here.... 

 

So I have questions I would love sexual and Asexual answers ( I know I ask a lot for a newbee) 

 

My questions 

 

1) Does Asexuality stop you or does it not make you think about saying things like " your beautiful"?? 

 

 

2) "compromise" (I hate this word please help me with another) sex should be consetional on both parts even in a relationship would my partner " compromising" be classed as a sexual assault because she feels she needs too... 

 

 

3)is it fair on me as a sexual that there is no discussion on it she completely shuts down about it and it can start an argument it's all her way or no way. 

 

4) if me as a sexual has to "compromise" to not have sex is that seen the way as an Asexual "compromising" to have sex..or is it seen as that Asexual compromise more?? 

 

5) is it ok to feel a bit lied to as there was plenty of sex for the first year.. (she did tell me that she wasn't really into sex but the first year was full of it and I just thought she hadn't had the "right sexual partner" how nieve of me.) 

 

6) do I have the right to ask for more intimacy cuddling hand holding ect?? 

 

7) sexual frustration is a very real thing for me.. before I was medicated for MH reasons I classed my self as a nympho it's got better but how do you explain that to an Asexual ....

 

 

Thank you so much for your time and hopefully some answers 

A very confused person.... 

@FannyP

Hi, answers from a sexual with an asexual wife.

1. I dont think it does, but when a hug with me, easily has an undertone of a foreplay, then it isnt that nice, for her. She hugs and kisses our kids as ' normal'!

2. Yes, a compromise sounds like nobody getting what they want, and what is the middle number between 'two times of lustful, desired sex a week' and 'no, not really feeling like it, but I can be okay with it a handful of times, but dont expect to much'? I like the word, agreement better.

3. I do not understand your question, but i think you have the rigth to seek a way to have sex and she has the rigth to say no. If it is compatible then fine. 

4. Hard to say. Nobody should have sex, that they dont want to. (Or are okay with) but perhaps you could find a way to do things which are sexually nice anyway and perhaps by shifting the mindset and thinking of it as more of a massage than a sexual session.

5. Did she know? Did she tell you that sex were amazing? I think my wife could have been more open, but she wasnt as she couldnt. She told me 10+ years into marriage. I blamed a shitload of other things, and some of them played a part, most of them didnt.

6. You have the rigth to say what you would like. It opens a possibility for a response. Saying nothing migth not result in anything. I usually say that it just doesnt fly in on her radar, so she is 'ignorant' until confronted.

7. I get a depression if partnered sex is to far away. It makes it hard for me to enjoy other aspects of life. It clouds my mind and then i dont even like me anymore. I would like a lot of sex, but can do with a lot less. 

 

Do you feel loved? I tend to not be able to receive her love, when hug-frequency is low, sweet words are not often, goodbyekisses kept at a minimum, and never a 'you look good, honey' or a 'I miss you!'