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Feeling Guilty about Asexuality


dianaisace

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A problem I've been having recently is being with my partner and not feeling guilty of my asexuality. My girlfriend has known I'm ace since before we were together, she completely accepts me, and even tries to ask advice to other aces to better handle our relationship. I'm really grateful and lucky to have her. But she's young and she's got a high sex drive that I just...can't keep up with. Sometimes I just feel guilty about it, like I'm depriving her of the relationship she deserves by selfishly being with her. Like she's missing out on something she really wants. And even though she's told me she wants me, I still just feel...wrong. 

I don't really know what to do.

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That's a trust issue right there.

 

Why don't you trust her when she says that she's okay with the way things are going? Is there anything that makes you doubt her honesty? Because I know that I'd be pretty pissed if I were in her shoes, telling you that I'm fine but you just don't believe my words and jump to conclusions instead.

 

You were upfront and told her about your feelings (which is the right thing to do) and she still elected to be with you. Voluntarily and of her own accord. Let it be her decision to be with you, just as much as it is your decision to be with her. Judging by what you wrote, both of you seem to make it work pretty well so far :)

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Give her a little more credit; if she weren't happy where she was (and you weren't exercising any sort of physical/psychological abuse to keep her there), she would leave.

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celestialwhims

You said she has a higher sex drive. If she does and she still chooses to be you, even after being aware of your asexuality since the beginning, she obviously cares deeply about you. Her feelings for you seem to overpower any sexual desire she has. That's really special. You should give her more credit. If she really wasn't happy or needed a sexual outlet, I'm sure she would tell you. Just trust her and make sure that communication stays open between you two! It's the most important thing when an asexual and a sexual person are together. 

 

And really, don't feel guilty about who you are. Your asexuality is not a problem. You were made perfectly, there's nothing wrong with you. As long as you are loving and appreciating her with all your heart, you're giving more than enough to the relationship. Good luck, I'm wishing you both all the best! xx

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she's with you because she wants to be with you. don't worry about what she deserves - people aren't objects to belong to others lol ;)  she likes you a lot and wants to be with you. remember that and you'll know, that she does "deserve" you :)

 

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First, I think it's important to think about what exactly makes you feel guilty. Is it something she is doing to make you feel like she is disappointed? Do you feel pressured? Or do you just really care about her and want her to be satisfied with you? Are you struggling to feel accepted? Is there something you're not getting? (All things I can totally relate to and they're normal for most relationships, asexual or not).

 

Talk to her. It will only drive you crazy to keep wondering if she is disappointed. Maybe you're more worried about it than she is. It sounds like you really care about each other, so there should be a way you two can both have your needs met. This is where the magic can really happen and trust can grow. Talk to her. Either way, you'll both figure out what you need and that's a good thing. Sit down and say that you have some concerns, that you care about her, but you are afraid. As long as you don't accuse her of anything, she should be able to hear you out. 

 

Many people struggle with trust, so don't beat yourself up about it. You have a right to your feelings and a right to communicate them. This sounds like an issue that you can both grow from <3

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On 11/1/2017 at 3:32 AM, dianaisace said:

A problem I've been having recently is being with my partner and not feeling guilty of my asexuality. My girlfriend has known I'm ace since before we were together, she completely accepts me, and even tries to ask advice to other aces to better handle our relationship. I'm really grateful and lucky to have her. But she's young and she's got a high sex drive that I just...can't keep up with. Sometimes I just feel guilty about it, like I'm depriving her of the relationship she deserves by selfishly being with her. Like she's missing out on something she really wants. And even though she's told me she wants me, I still just feel...wrong. 

I don't really know what to do.

I am also in a relationship where my boyfriend of two years is highly sexual and I am gray asexual with pretty much no libido. I am sometimes worrying about him and what he needs and deserves in the sex department. He is  young and a good looking dude. But in the end, I try my best to trust that he wants to be with me when he says it even if I think he could be blinded by love or in denial about his needs. Whether that is true or not it shouldn't matter for now. For now I believe him when he says I'm more worth it in the relationship than sex. If that ever becomes not true or we are seriously considering marriage, we will have a talk about it then. But for now, we just try to love and appreciate each other in all the other ways we can and then when we do have sex (I'm gray asexual sex neutral) it can be really special for him and I can have fun or enjoy it and feel like I've really given him something special and that he needs. I do worry though that not having that sexual release often enough can cause him to be more cranky and irritable in general, but who knows, there are definitely other factors for that too. Best of luck with your relationship and your feelings of guilt!

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