How to “give up” sex when dating an asexual

[Amatae]

Hello,

 

me again. I posted in the asexual relationship forum and decided this would be a better spot.

 

History:

 

I’m a 31 year old dating a much younger man who I believe is asexual. I thought that our disconnection physically was either my age or his age getting in the way. But after three years of dating I truly believe he loves me and I love him - he just doesn’t think of sex or physical intimacy. 

 

I have severe trust issues. I was sexually abused when I was a child and this it takes me a LONG time to get comfortable with someone physically. And when I do it’s a big deal, it’s a huge trusting thing for me. So, when I tried to be flirty with my boyfriend two years ago I was promptly met with a change of subject. It was like someone poured ice cold water on me and I immediately emotionally retreated.

 

This has happened every time I attempt being frisky. Rejection, emotional disappearance, depression, then acceptance after cuddles. 

 

I recently had had a conversation with him because he doesn’t want to admit he’s asexual and I know he has to come to it in his own terms. So I took sex and physical intamicy off the table and he relaxed around me. 

 

But im finding myself spiral into a sort of sorrow. Knowing that because of my childhood I wasn’t intimate until I felt I could trust someone - and knowing now he won’t get that trust for some emotional barrier reason upsets me. The fact that I won’t get that passionate moment where he can’t stand to be without me and that I’m the only one feeling the need to grab at him and hold him close.... feels very very alone...

 

so i guess I’m asking for some advice ....

how did give up that part of your life? How do you cope with the “rejection”? 

How do you rewrite your feelings to acknowledge his are there just differently ? How did you stop these feelings from making your partner feel badly?

[binary suns]

personally, I think that if someone has to phrase it "giving up", my recomendation is to move on to a healthier relationships

 

I would suggest trying to sum up the courage to talk to him about your need for physical intimacy, like I think that sex itself wouldn't necessarily be needed (tho I'm only greysexual so this oppinion could be biased) but I think that sex isn't needed as long as you get some kinda physical affirmation and/or sexual affirmation in another way - and assuming that you think such a thing is possible, I suggest trying to talk to him about - saying - "hey, we've been dating for three years now, and I really feel close to you, and I want to share that closeness through physical intimacy." or something along that line of a statement... if he absolutely refuses to even talk about it, really just you gotta move on, his distance is gonna keep hurting you until you slowly break. maybe if you talk with him about it, you two can talk out some way to connect to both of your satisfactions, in a new way that what's happened before. I hope that can happen! but if it can't - it sounds to me like you'll only get hurt.

 

 

like,even tho I am grey. personally, I don't want sex - something about sex, just doesn't make sense to my body - and no it's not repulsion. it's just, not what I wanted. I wanted to kiss, why are we doing more lol? for me, having sex is disappointing and distant, and then stressful because of it. But I know - even tho I'd rather not have sex, if I was in a relationship with someone sexual - I'd find a way to connect with them. maybe it wouldn't be genital contact - maybe I wouldn't be comfortable being around them while they, y'know, make sex noises, lol. but, I'd find some way to be there for them to some extent, sexually - dunno what, it depends on us. y'know? but I know I'd find something that works for both of our desires and boundaries.

 

 

 

I'm no sage lol so I can't speak for other people - but I just think, if it's too toxic to be with someone who rejects you like what you've described you're feelin. stop forcing yourself to push yourself past your boundaries - they aren't the right person for you, they're hurting you, you deserve a better match, and you can find it!

 

hopefully you can find a way to communicate with him, as you've been together for three years. but, y'know, don't commit yourself to it - I know my sis dated a guy for three years before breaking up. I know a friend who had a fiance for several years - and then, for several more years they went back and forth in a cycle of "are we broken up or are we still trying to be a couple??" and eventually they moved on - the one got married, the other moved home.

 

So, I hope you and he can comunicate about your need for sexual affirmation - and find a way to meet both of your boundaries regarding sexual intimacy. your lower limit of what's enough, his upper limit of what's too much, and hopefully there's plenty of space between those two limits for options - but if not, don't force it ok? you can find a better match if he ain't one.

[Amatae]

I want to talk to him about it more openly but I also struggle with the issue of what is too much. 

I know a lot of mixed relationships talk about compromise but part of me wonders isn’t that s violation of ones body to do something you don’t necessarily like just because you love the other person and want them to smile? 

 

I have no rights to my boyfriends body just because he’s my boyfriend... and I guess I’m just really not knowing when the line is crossed from compromise to him wanting to make me happy.

 

we did try to talk about it last night and I ended up feeling dirty, like I was asking for something that he didn’t want. He’s never outright refused me anything, just changes the subject. And when we talked about it he said he just “needed to work harder to notice things and change his actions.” 

 

Is this ok? I mean part of me is “yes he should meet me half way at the very least” and another part of me saying “he shouldn’t have to change to be in a relationship”.... I’m just so confused

[nanogretchen4]

He shouldn't have to compromise his sexual boundaries or try fruitlessly to change his sexual orientation in order to be in a relationship. He should have to do the work of dating within his minority sexual orientation in order to be in a relationship. You don't mention your own gender, but if you are a woman imagine you just discovered three years in that he is exclusively gay, or if you are a man imagine that you've just discovered he's exclusively hetero. How would you handle that? Handle this the same way. I think most people would decide on an amicable break up. No one's fault, no hard feelings, but clearly you both need to be with different people who are even roughly on the same relationship wavelength. So far you haven't done anything horrible to each other and no one sounds terribly bitter. This would be a great time to reframe your relationship as a close friendship.

[MrDane]

I think that the first step is to say what you like, what you would like more of and what you would like to try. Next is to ask him. Dont start with negotiation about a compromise. 

"I like it, when I can feel your body close to me. Is there some way that we can do that more?"

[AthenaFay]

There is no "rewriting" our feelings, no more or less than expecting an asexual to rewrite theirs to suit us; not to mention that it's extremely unfair on both sides to expect people to change who they are. I seriously advise you to carefully consider what you do from here if you are already struggling with trust issues and trauma, and to put your own health (and heart) at the center. 

 

Continuing this relationship will no doubt add to issues you already struggled with to begin with. For some perspective on how deeply this can affect people, I'm over 2 years into a new relationship with an extremely highly sexed (like myself) man, and I still cannot entirely get my head around the fact that he ISN'T going to drop a bomb on me like my aro-ace ex did, and tell me some revelation he has about not really enjoying sex, etc. - I still struggle with trust and believing that he wants to have sex with me. I have trust issues on the back of my experience with trying to "rewrite" my feelings to stay in a relationship with an asexual. 

 

There's no way to sugarcoat it, and it would be immoral to sugarcoat it: This situation, if you remain in it, is going to add to your problems, without much respite, and could also cause issues in him, too. Even if you do try jumping through all of the hoops in trying to make the relationship work, in the background, you will have the knowledge that you are doing so because you aren't suitable for each other, or that you are "too much", eventually that you are "bad", "wrong", etc. It grinds you down further, trying to become something that you aren't, just to save a relationship with someone of a different sexual orientation.

 

Even with something like compromise, which my aro-ace ex agreed upon in the end (though we still broke up mutually shortly after), barely made much difference; I still felt like a beggar. It made me feel more desperate, if anything, to hope to squeeze what semblance of mutuality I could from actions which were essentially empty to him aside from a willingness to satisfy or please me.

 

 

[Treesarepretty]

On 10/31/2017 at 0:46 PM, Amatae said:

I know a lot of mixed relationships talk about compromise but part of me wonders isn’t that s violation of ones body to do something you don’t necessarily like just because you love the other person and want them to smile? 

This is not necessarily true because it depends upon the degree to which the partner does not want to do it. Is it a violation of your freedom if he gets you to go skiing even if you would rather be reading a book? There is a difference between asking someone to get rid of a spider if they don't care about spiders versus if they are arachnephobic. 

 

If your boyfriend doesn't care that much about sex, then it IS reasonable to expect some kind of compromise; if he is repulsed by it, then it is unreasonable. What you need is good communication to figure this out. 

 

On 10/31/2017 at 0:46 PM, Amatae said:

I have no rights to my boyfriends body just because he’s my boyfriend... and I guess I’m just really not knowing when the line is crossed from compromise to him wanting to make me happy.

I think that this line of thinking is pointless.You could also say that he has no "right" to have you as his girlfriend. Just because you cannot legally compel him to do something doesn't make it wrong to ask for it or make it a condition of your continued affections. How much you need sex and how great a guy he is in other ways might be two things that you have to weigh against each other to decide if you should stay with him despite having no sex, but you probably should try coming up with compromises first. 

 

In any case, welcome to AVEN and have some cake.  

[MrDane]

On 5/11/2017 at 5:21 PM, Treesarepretty said:

This is not necessarily true because it depends upon the degree to which the partner does not want to do it. Is it a violation of your freedom if he gets you to go skiing even if you would rather be reading a book? There is a difference between asking someone to get rid of a spider if they don't care about spiders versus if they are arachnephobic. 

 

If your boyfriend doesn't care that much about sex, then it IS reasonable to expect some kind of compromise; if he is repulsed by it, then it is unreasonable. What you need is good communication to figure this out. 

 

I think that this line of thinking is pointless.You could also say that he has no "right" to have you as his girlfriend. Just because you cannot legally compel him to do something doesn't make it wrong to ask for it or make it a condition of your continued affections. How much you need sex and how great a guy he is in other ways might be two things that you have to weigh against each other to decide if you should stay with him despite having no sex, but you probably should try coming up with compromises first. 

 

In any case, welcome to AVEN and have some cake.  

I agree with you!  To begin with, I said : “I only want to have sex with her, when she wants it with me. If she doesnt want it then we will wait till she wants it and I will work hard on finding a way that she wants it” 

then came asexuality and a new dimension was put into the equation: “I dont want her to have sex with me, if it is too much for her and I will give her space, rest, patience and tranquility to not feel stressed about it. I want her to remember that sex is important to me and gives me great joy and ease of mind and if she finds a way to have some sex, that works better then she is expected to help me with realizing this. As her desire isnt there, I will not look for it.”