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Asexuality and insecure boyfriend


calebthecraftycrab

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calebthecraftycrab

Hello, I'm Caleb, and most likely ace. I'm also most likely panalterous. Alas, I have a pansexual boyfriend that has severe depression and anxiety. I love him to the moon and back, but I'm not sure we're cut out for each other. While I was coming out to him as panalterous today, he started crying. I had to explain to him that I wasn't sure (I'm pretty gosh darn sure) and that I still want to be in a romantic relationship with him, which is true. With much discussion and tears, he decided that he didn't want to break up with me.

 

This has happened before when I came out as asexual. He just kept saying that he didn't know what to do and he didn't know if he wanted to stay with me. I interjected and said that we should stay together, and that we can make it work.

 

The problem is, this hasn't worked, and at this point, I'm not sure if it can. I told him that I would do anything, even have sex (I'm sex repulsed) if it made him feel happy and secure in the relationship. He argued that it wouldn't feel right if I didn't want it, but we have to compromise somehow. I just don't know what to do. Suggestions?

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Sorry, but: get out. You're being guilt-tripped, whether it's deliberate or not. Get some distance, put up boundaries to protect you.

 

(gee, I'm not in an empathic mood today it seems :cake:)

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I would really advise against sexual compromise if you know you're repulsed by it. It also sounds like he wouldn't feel comfortable with you having sex with him despite this, so even if you did try it would likely not improve the situation much. I know you don't want to hear this, but if one of you needs sex in the relationship and the other is repulsed by it, there's not much you can do. Maybe have a serious talk with your boyfriend about what you both need, want, and would feel comfortable (not willing to do even if you'd feel uncomfortable with it) trying to help make it work. If there isn't anything you would both feel ok with trying, doing it anyway would only make one or both of you feel worse. It sounds like a tough situation and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but ending the relationship to find more compatible partners may end up being the best decision for both of you. 

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nanogretchen4

You are the one who has discovered information about yourself that leads you to believe you and your boyfriend aren't compatible and can't make each other happy. I strongly believe that you are the one who needs to put on your grownup pants and break up. Your boyfriend is in pain right now and is probably going through the denial stage of grief for the type of relationship he thought he was in. Saying you're not sure when you're sure and offering compromise that sounds like it would be damaging to you and unsatisfying to him is not helping with your boyfriend's denial. Don't tell him that it can work when it really doesn't sound like it can. Don't try to talk him into staying when it sounds like that will do further harm to both of you. Make a clean break. He needs to grieve and heal and then find someone else to date who can reciprocate his sexual and romantic feelings. You need to find someone who is looking for the same type of relationship as you, or else remain single and focus on multiple nonexclusive platonic friendships. Maybe eventually you can go back to being friends with your soon to be ex, but I really think you should give him space until after he finds a new relationship. Otherwise he'll just be sucked back into the gravity well of this relationship.

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7 hours ago, roland.o said:

Sorry, but: get out. You're being guilt-tripped, whether it's deliberate or not. Get some distance, put up boundaries to protect you.

 

(gee, I'm not in an empathic mood today it seems :cake:)

Um, the boyfriend is upfront about thinking this relationship isn't going to work. How is that guilt-tripping?

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5 minutes ago, Kai99 said:

Um, the boyfriend is upfront about thinking this relationship isn't going to work. How is that guilt-tripping?

+1

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13 hours ago, Kai99 said:

Um, the boyfriend is upfront about thinking this relationship isn't going to work. How is that guilt-tripping?

There are different ways of saying "I don't think this is going to work." Maybe I misinterpreted the situation - I was in a strange mood that morning. Still...

On 10/31/2017 at 5:23 AM, calebthecraftycrab said:

he started crying. I had to explain to him that I wasn't sure (I'm pretty gosh darn sure) and that I still want to be in a romantic relationship with him, which is true. With much discussion and tears, he decided that he didn't want to break up with me.

So, the boyfriend breaks out in tears and calebthecraftycrab feels obliged to lie to keep him. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Maybe I was actually too empathic and should have scolded calebthecraftycrab for lying to his boyfriend?

Never mind, I'm in a strange mood again. Shouldn't come here in the wee hours of the morning, I guess :-) :cake:

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The bf is being straightforward about his feelings. OP isn't, because she doesn't like the potential consequences if she is and it sounds like it worked. Who's being manipulative here? 

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What's the point in "coming out" if one is "not sure" anyway?

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