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Overly Jealous, Extremely Anxious, Possessive, but still confused about Romantic Orientation


HDMFreak

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I dont even know where to start but at this point I am literally begging for some insight with what is going on. I am incredibly and painfully confused with everything and I am hoping that SOMEONE here can relate. I have posted a similar topic here briefly before but no luck with any replies. I have had a total of about 5 situations with 5 different women over the last 6 years that this has occurred with. and i STILL do not know what is up with my head. I literally feel like im psycho and im losing it. I have no clue if I have a form of OCD or not, but here it goes. Ill start with the most recent situation....ive never really seeked any relationships, but for some reason, whenever i get close with a female, i would end up catching feelings for them, in this sense i feel that this means that i could take the next step forward and persue them. for along time now i always felt that my feelings towards these females felt forced, but i knew that wasnt the case because i knew i always felt something a bit different towards these woman than i didnt feel towards others. i would always fell possessive, have intense jealousy if i see them flirting with other guys, felt more emotionally connected with them, i would find myself doing things for them than i wouldnt do for other, pretty much looking out for them, caring for them, wanted to be close with them, getting pissed when i couldnt get a text back, hate the feeling of being ignored by them etc. but whenever i felt things would get too serious between me and them, i would get riddled with anxiety and want to cut it off. the weird thing is, i crave for the reciprocation, i crave that my desire for them would go noticed by them and that they would feel the same way towards me. its almost like a catch 22. with knowing i dont want a relationship for whatever reason, i still would get these intense feelings for these women. its like i want to WANT them in this sort of way, but my anxiety always kicks in whenever i feel that things between me and the girl i talk to gets too serious. after so many moving in and moving out with these particular women, i start losing feelings for them, and start to feel terrible, because for over a month, i get dreamy as shit over them and the next (after so much anxiety), i lose my feelings for them...ive read about lithromantic and i sense that i may identify with this. it just really bugs the hell out of me because when im in this state of romantic euphoria over them, i feel the only next step would be a relationship with them. but im always stuck at the halfway point for some reason. does this identify with you as well? the last girl i spoke too was actually a co-worker of mine that wanted to hook up with me. i told her: "im down to hook up with you (i thought she was really cute), but i dont want you to catch any feelings)....i told her this because i always know the end result...but she didnt know this. well, i carried on and decided to hook up with her twice. after that, i noticed i had a strong sense of possesion over her, and thats when i noticed my feelings for her started to develop. since that point, i always wanted to make sure she was doing alright, i found myself constantly catering to her every desire, thinking about her, getting pissed when i felt that she was ignoring me, seeing her in a whole different light than i would see as opposed to any other girl, so i knew my feelings were genuine, and they werent forced (like previous girls). i ended up coming clean to her and telling her i had feelings for her but that i couldnt do a relationship for some reason. it left her confused then i told her i thought i may be lithromantic. (i hate admitting this to them). i also told her that i hated when she wouldnt reply to my messages or felt that she was ignoring me. she couldnt understand how i had so much feeling and craved reciprocation, but at =the same time felt major dread, and anxiety once reciprocation was received. this has left me feeling like i wasted my time with someone i really did like....i hate feeling like this and im sorry for the long message but please tell me your insight in regards to this and if you felt similarly towards anyone in this sort of way. Thank you!! also what makes this even more irritating, and hard to come to terms with this, i'm also sexual.  i can never just accept who i am, cause in my mind before anxiety takes over, it feels so natural for me to follow through with my feelings towards them. for some reason, i can never JUST be friends with these women, one because i hate the idea of JUST being friends with a girl i had strong feelings towards knowing that these woman will find a guy that cannot and will never be me. and being sexual and very attracted to them, would just bug me, because i still fell that strong sexual tension...you ever get a feeling of taking "the fork in the road"? where you can either cut all ties with them and hurt them without intentionally doing so as well as hurting yourself, or to prevent any further anxiety, OR you end up just hurting yourself and sulk in your feelings for that person and accept that you can never be with them cause of your anxiety of potential relationships? I just cant be JUST friends with them... at this point now, my feelings for this person has dwindled, and it honestly makes me feel terrible that i could find so many good qualities in a certain someone but not FEEL any desire to persue them. it almost makes me feel sort of hopeless at this point. I feel such strong attractions towards them including all the ones i posted in my thread, but feel almost nothing for them in terms of romantic attraction...despite this, Overtime, I still find myself being incredibly jealous if i see that they are talking with someone else. I also tend to get INCREDIBLY angry and tend to ignore them (passive agressiveness?)  once they do something i get very pissed off about like if i feel that they're ignoring me or not showing me any sort of attention or affection. i guess you could say. its gets to the point where we end up texting paragraphs of text arguing back and forth (mind you, were not even together and this happens with nearly every girl and i dont understand why). I get pissed off when they ignore me as if i want them to give their attention to me and be with me but on the flip side, I have no idea if i actually want a relationship with this person. SO im constantly stuck on what i should do, It feels so natural for me to feel jealous and possessive  over these women in particular but for what reason? i just cannot escape feeling this way....and the entire time, Im riddled with anxiety! my brain just doesnt know how or what to react to, to what intensity, if my reactions are justified and rational, etc. In my mind, i just feel like i would be devistated if i just cut ties with this person, but when i have anxiety it almost feels at the same time comforting. WHy would i be so unsure i i still actually like this person, fear if they potentially reciprocated feelings, show such confusion as to wanting a relationship with this person, but still feel possessiveness, and jeaolusy if i feel like im being ignored or if they show attention to someone else. I couldnt imagine being JUST friends with these women if they end up dating some other guy, while im there in limbo with confused feelings and endless anxiety....There is so much contradictory in this essay i wrote that your brain probably hurts but i will just leave it at that for now.... 

 
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Hey, once your brain hurts less, mind spacing this into paragraphs? It would make it easier to read the whole thing^^'

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