Aromantic or just unlucky?

[butterflydreams]

It occurred to me on my commute this morning that I’m almost 30 years old and I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I kind of faked it with this girl in high school over 10 years ago, but that’s been it. I don’t think I’ve ever crushed on anyone either. 

 

Does this point to me being aromantic? Or am I just unlucky? I don’t want to be aromantic, but I’m worried that my situation is so odd and unlikely that simply being aromantic the more likely answer.  

 

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just an aromantic asexual in serious denial...

[Mezzo Forte]

There's certainly a possibility that you have aromantic tendencies, though there's still the possibility of just being a darker shade of grey rather than full-on aromantic. I feel like I've heard more about your romantic desire rather than your capacity for attraction, so there's only so much I can gauge about your romantic orientation.

 

To me, orientations are about patterns of attraction. If you've never experienced romantic attraction, then there's a good chance you're somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. That said, transition can definitely muddy the waters a bit, so there's a chance that you're running on a later clock than others might in that regard.

 

I remember wanting so desperately to fall in love during puberty 1.0 and just never feeling what I wanted to feel for others. To this day, I struggle with feeling guilty for loving people so profoundly without any of that translating to romantic love. (I shouldn't even feel guilty about that with my straight male friends anymore. They're not into men, so why do I feel obligated to fall in love with them even when I know that neither of us can fall for the other?) Heck, I think puberty 2.0 has me basically going through the same complicated feelings that puberty 1.0 did, only I have the hindsight to know just how illogical my brain is acting.

 

That said, even if you were aromantic, would that change your attitude about relationships? Maybe exploring your attitude toward romance could give you a better idea of what you would want from a partnership. Love is a profound thing; even if there's a chance that you don't experience romantic love, you definitely experience love in other forms quite strongly to my understanding, and there's ways to pull off romantic partnerships using other forms of love.

[ChillaKilla]

Maybe you're just gray-romantic? I felt fully aromantic for the longest time (no matter how sexually attractive the person I "liked" was, the idea of having a romantic relationship with them was just inconceivable) but I have a girlfriend now, so I would call myself gray? Or would I? Love is a weird concept...

[Homer]

I think that this is linked to how things have been going for you so far. Are you sure you would have recognized being into someone that way in the first place, when those feelings are buried underneath this pile of "But who would want me the way I am?" (Which you have expressed on here every now and then). I am NOT suggesting that this is what's happening, but maybe it's something worth looking at.

 

Frankly, I don't think you're aromantic. You told us about your wish to find someone and I believe that it's more of ye olde "right person" thing. I really hope that you'll be able to finish transition soon, taking the struggle off your mind and make way for different feelings, which I am 100% SURE you have the capacity for

 

*ele hugs*

[butterflydreams]

12 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

I feel like I've heard more about your romantic desire rather than your capacity for attraction, so there's only so much I can gauge about your romantic orientation.

Yeah...it’s like I want a romantic partner, but just for the sake of having one. Not because I’m actually in love. God that sounds awful to say. But with everyone I’ve ever tried to be with, that’s how it was, and that’s why it always stopped abruptly. I’d push so hard to be with someone, and the 2-3 that showed some kind of reciprocal interest, as soon as that happened I bailed. Every time. Now, granted, I’ve felt differently about being with guys since transitioning. That was not on my radar before. 

 

28 minutes ago, Mezzo Forte said:

That said, even if you were aromantic, would that change your attitude about relationships? Maybe exploring your attitude toward romance could give you a better idea of what you would want from a partnership. Love is a profound thing; even if there's a chance that you don't experience romantic love, you definitely experience love in other forms quite strongly to my understanding, and there's ways to pull off romantic partnerships using other forms of love.

It wouldn’t change my attitude, but it would make me feel like I was lying to people. Promising them that I could feel something for them that I actually can’t. I like the idea of exploring my attitude towards romance though. 

 

28 minutes ago, ChillaKilla said:

Maybe you're just gray-romantic? I felt fully aromantic for the longest time (no matter how sexually attractive the person I "liked" was, the idea of having a romantic relationship with them was just inconceivable) but I have a girlfriend now, so I would call myself gray? 

I dunno, the grey class of labels have so little meaning to me personally. I’m a black and white kind of person. But even if I weren’t, my concern is kind of like what Mezzo said, how dark of a grey am I? I guess if I am technically grey, that’s not an issue for me. Because it would mean it’s less likely, but not impossible, and maybe it just hasn’t happened yet. If I’m totally aromantic, that’s scary. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Does that even happen?

 

22 minutes ago, Homer said:

Are you sure you would have recognized being into someone that way in the first place, when those feelings are buried underneath this pile of "But who would want me the way I am?"

I would assume it’s the kind of “you’ll know it when you feel it” thing. But I also recognize there’s a lot tied up in “who would want me how I am” as well.

 

24 minutes ago, Homer said:

Frankly, I don't think you're aromantic. You told us about your wish to find someone and I believe that it's more of ye olde "right person" thing. I really hope that you'll be able to finish transition soon, taking the struggle off your mind and make way for different feelings, which I am 100% SURE you have the capacity for

Thanks. It could very well be the ye olde right person thing. I just started to really wonder about it considering my age and the fact that it hasn’t happened once. It’s like that null hypothe-cis article. After all this, what’s more likely? That I’m aromantic or that I just haven’t found the right person? I’ve certainly met a lot of people...so it makes me seriously wonder.

[Snao Cone]

It seems like you genuinely want to find someone for a relationship. It might take living through that experience to really get a sense of your a/romantic proclivities, or at least a lot of soul searching.

[butterflydreams]

24 minutes ago, Snaocula said:

It seems like you genuinely want to find someone for a relationship. It might take living through that experience to really get a sense of your a/romantic proclivities, or at least a lot of soul searching.

Is that an ethical and responsible thing to do? One of the things I know I struggle with is feeling like I have to like anyone who shows any interest in me, even if I don’t really like them. I’m afraid 1) I’ll never like anyone and 2) very few people are going to like me, so I have to take what I can get.

 

A related question I had, what’s a crush like? Would I know if I’d ever had one? I don’t even think I’ve ever had a crush on someone before.

[Snao Cone]

2 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Is that an ethical and responsible thing to do?

You're only accountable to yourself, so the ethical/responsible thing to do would be to not force yourself into anything because it appears to be what's normal or expected, while also not denying yourself of any opportunities with the attitude of some fate of being alone. 

 

It's tricky to find yourself and what will help you increase your sense of happiness. Taking what you can get doesn't really benefit anyone if it doesn't make you happy. "Wouldn't it be great to find someone who's right for me" isn't the same as "I need to find someone who will be with me," though I think both are sort of romantic needs. The first one might just be a thought experiment, though, if it turns out you're essentially aromantic.

[butterflydreams]

10 minutes ago, Snaocula said:

You're only accountable to yourself, so the ethical/responsible thing to do would be to not force yourself into anything because it appears to be what's normal or expected, while also not denying yourself of any opportunities with the attitude of some fate of being alone. 

 

It's tricky to find yourself and what will help you increase your sense of happiness. Taking what you can get doesn't really benefit anyone if it doesn't make you happy. "Wouldn't it be great to find someone who's right for me" isn't the same as "I need to find someone who will be with me," though I think both are sort of romantic needs. The first one might just be a thought experiment, though, if it turns out you're essentially aromantic.

My friend told me recently that this is my turn (finally) to be selfish and focus on what’s best for me. Maybe that’s what you’re getting at too. I don’t think I’m destined to be alone. I certainly don’t want to be, but I do still have a lot of feelings of “why would anyone want to be with you?” It’s like all of my good attributes turn to dust. 

 

It could just be that I’m really fatigued right now too. But almost 30 years...you’d think somewhere in there, some fluke, I would’ve felt something. Even if it wasn’t reciprocated. 

 

Can aromantic people still have committed partnerships?

[Snao Cone]

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

But almost 30 years...you’d think somewhere in there, some fluke, I would’ve felt something. Even if it wasn’t reciprocated. 

I've known people who didn't have a partner until their 40s. It might make for a very different situation than the typical person, but there's no deadline or best before date. Of course we're lead to believe there is, so it's understandable where you're coming from. It's just not the truth. 

 

1 hour ago, butterflydreams said:

Can aromantic people still have committed partnerships?

Yes, both with traditional relationships and untraditional ones like QPRs. I see a QPR as sort of what happens to form out of a committed friendship when they realize they live best together as a functional unit (eg lifelong roommates, companions on trips and social events, next of kin designations, etc). Aromantic people can also try traditional dating just to see if they do in fact click with anyone. Plus demiromantic people come to that realization somehow. In any case, wanting to connect with someone on a deep level can happen in many forms.

[butterflydreams]

21 minutes ago, Snaocula said:

Yes, both with traditional relationships and untraditional ones like QPRs. I see a QPR as sort of what happens to form out of a committed friendship when they realize they live best together as a functional unit (eg lifelong roommates, companions on trips and social events, next of kin designations, etc).

Do you have to call it a QPR? I feel like that’s some newfangled term that nobody my age is going to get or worse, make fun of. I’ve had super committed friendships in the past. I thought we’d be friends forever, but then some girl came along and poof. Gone. I worry even now about the friends I have. They’re married and dealing with starting families. Why would they have time for me? And then they’re not committed to me but someone else in a normal relationship. 

 

It’s like the other person has to want to be part of the QPR and see the value in it themselves. I’ve never known anyone like that. Friendship is always second best to a real relationship. 

 

21 minutes ago, Snaocula said:

I've known people who didn't have a partner until their 40s. It might make for a very different situation than the typical person, but there's no deadline or best before date. Of course we're lead to believe there is, so it's understandable where you're coming from. It's just not the truth. 

Well, I’ll miss out on young, stupid, irresponsible love. I likely already have. So there’s that. I also feel like I’m somehow damaged by all this. Who wants damaged, transgender goods? 

 

You know, I’d never in my wildest dreams talk about someone else this way. 

[Snao Cone]

11 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Do you have to call it a QPR?

Not at all, you can call it what you want! Or call it nothing at all. You can call it a close friendship or a committed relationship, or whatever expresses to other people what you want them to know it as.

 

15 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

Well, I’ll miss out on young, stupid, irresponsible love. I likely already have. So there’s that.

I felt like this when I was nearing 30 as well, before I considered that I might be asexual. My dissatisfaction was all about the superficial. Coming to terms with asexuality helped me move past that for the most part, though in some ways I still wish I took more risks and had more fucked up relationships in my 20s. But, I mean, part of the reason I'm getting by now is because I didn't have to clean up my life after a messy breakup. I've found it much easier to be myself in my 30s, so maybe that's a step in personal growth that you'll have too.

 

20 minutes ago, butterflydreams said:

You know, I’d never in my wildest dreams talk about someone else this way. 

I am definitely feeling this today. Despite what I said above, I still have bad days with my self-esteem and shit, and I will think things about myself that I would never think about another person. It's a shitty beast to have to live with - but just as you would never see other people in as negative a light, other people would never think about you that way.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

5 hours ago, ChillaKilla said:

Maybe you're just gray-romantic? I felt fully aromantic for the longest time (no matter how sexually attractive the person I "liked" was, the idea of having a romantic relationship with them was just inconceivable) but I have a girlfriend now, so I would call myself gray? Or would I? Love is a weird concept...

*nods* Sounds pretty much like me. After almost 18 years....but it's really a very difficult thing to figure. The journey never ends...

[Philip027]

Quote

If I’m totally aromantic, that’s scary. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Does that even happen?

Honestly, I desire relationships with people based on how I feel about them, not based on what they can offer me in return.  I'm sure not everyone is like that but surely I can't be that unusual.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

Hi @butterflydreams! You've said a lot of important things and I'd like to jump in and address them as well.

 

9 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

It occurred to me on my commute this morning that I’m almost 30 years old and I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. I kind of faked it with this girl in high school over 10 years ago, but that’s been it. I don’t think I’ve ever crushed on anyone either. 

As others have said, the transitioning may have been a barrier for much of this time. I talked to another transwoman before her transition about asexuality and aromanticism. At that time she said that fixing her gender identity took precedence before figuring out her sexuality, so she wasn't concerned with the possibility of being asexual or aromantic. Perhaps it is the same case for you.

 

8 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Yeah...it’s like I want a romantic partner, but just for the sake of having one. Not because I’m actually in love. God that sounds awful to say. But with everyone I’ve ever tried to be with, that’s how it was, and that’s why it always stopped abruptly. I’d push so hard to be with someone, and the 2-3 that showed some kind of reciprocal interest, as soon as that happened I bailed. Every time.

This sounds like classic lithromanticism to me, which does fall under the grey-romantic spectrum (I disagree with calling it an aromantic spectrum. Aromantic is just the "zero" end of the grey-romantic spectrum). Once the romantic feelings are returned, you just want to run in terror. In my experience, I never felt an internal drive towards dating. I only did it because it seemed like everybody else was doing it. Part of the drive for dating was to be like others, and part just out of curiosity. While I am glad that I had the one short romantic relationship I did, it did mainly satisfy my curiosity. I too felt this intense crushing feeling when she got more and more attached to me. The whole thing felt unnatural.

 

6 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

A related question I had, what’s a crush like? Would I know if I’d ever had one? I don’t even think I’ve ever had a crush on someone before.

Oh, you would definitely know for sure. The most quantifiable way to explain it is like this. You have barely met a person, but you have obsessive or intrusive thoughts about them often. The thoughts are disproportionate to the amount of interaction you've had with them. So, if you think often about someone close to you, like a parent or sibling, that's natural because you've spent a lot of time with them. But, if you just met a new coworker and you think about them throughout the day because it just gives you a nice warm feeling. Well, that's a crush. It's definitely a step up on the intensity over someone you would like as a friend.

 

6 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

but I do still have a lot of feelings of “why would anyone want to be with you?” It’s like all of my good attributes turn to dust.

Look around you and see who is coupled. You'll find that most paired people are riddled with flaws, and yet they have a partner that loves them. You don't have to be perfect to have a partner. You just have to find someone who finds your flaws endearing, or who sees your strengths outweigh the weaknesses.

 

6 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Is that an ethical and responsible thing to do?

Getting into a relationship just for the sake of curiosity is a bit touchy. This isn't like trying out a new flavor of ice cream and if you don't like it, you can just toss the rest in the garbage. When you breakup with somebody, it hurts. There's no two ways about that. If you do feel drawn towards somebody and you want to spend more time with them, then go ahead and give it a shot. In my case, it was an online dating thing and I kind of rushed into it as a New Year's Resolution. "This year I'm going to get a girlfriend". It was forced and I know I hurt her bad when I broke up with her. Just be careful out there.

[butterflydreams]

4 hours ago, Snaocula said:

I felt like this when I was nearing 30 as well, before I considered that I might be asexual. My dissatisfaction was all about the superficial. Coming to terms with asexuality helped me move past that for the most part, though in some ways I still wish I took more risks and had more fucked up relationships in my 20s. But, I mean, part of the reason I'm getting by now is because I didn't have to clean up my life after a messy breakup. I've found it much easier to be myself in my 30s, so maybe that's a step in personal growth that you'll have too.

This is a very interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing. Clearly I've struggled with my asexuality and one could argue I've tried to be more than I am. You could say I'm being more of myself in my 30s as well, what with transition and all. Maybe I'm looking at things too backwards. Maybe things in the next decade will be totally different. Maybe being my whole self will be different. I'm just scared that they won't be, and I'll have a repeat of the last decade. That would not be good.

[Mezzo Forte]

13 hours ago, butterflydreams said:

Yeah...it’s like I want a romantic partner, but just for the sake of having one. Not because I’m actually in love. God that sounds awful to say. But with everyone I’ve ever tried to be with, that’s how it was, and that’s why it always stopped abruptly. I’d push so hard to be with someone, and the 2-3 that showed some kind of reciprocal interest, as soon as that happened I bailed. Every time. Now, granted, I’ve felt differently about being with guys since transitioning. That was not on my radar before. 

 

It wouldn’t change my attitude, but it would make me feel like I was lying to people. Promising them that I could feel something for them that I actually can’t. I like the idea of exploring my attitude towards romance though. 

Nothing awful about those sentiments; I'm all too familiar with those exact feelings. I really liked the idea of romance and I don't regret the romantic relationships that I had, but I did develop a strong sense of guilt for not being able to reciprocate romantic love. 

 

Even if you did pursue romance without guarantee of romantic love, you still have the opportunity to communicate it that way. It could be as simple as saying that you experience love in an unusual/nonstandard way. Some people are cool with that. Heck, I've seen aromantic people happily in romantic relationships on several occasions within these boards. Even if you were aro, romance wouldn't be off the board. Heck, while I don't feel strongly enough to actively pursue the idea at the moment, I'm actually open to the idea of dating, even if it'd probably have to be another aromantic because of some of my guilt hangups about dating romantic people.

[butterflydreams]

10 hours ago, Mezzo Forte said:

Nothing awful about those sentiments; I'm all too familiar with those exact feelings. I really liked the idea of romance and I don't regret the romantic relationships that I had, but I did develop a strong sense of guilt for not being able to reciprocate romantic love. 

 

Even if you did pursue romance without guarantee of romantic love, you still have the opportunity to communicate it that way. It could be as simple as saying that you experience love in an unusual/nonstandard way. Some people are cool with that. Heck, I've seen aromantic people happily in romantic relationships on several occasions within these boards. Even if you were aro, romance wouldn't be off the board. Heck, while I don't feel strongly enough to actively pursue the idea at the moment, I'm actually open to the idea of dating, even if it'd probably have to be another aromantic because of some of my guilt hangups about dating romantic people.

Hehe, it’s like I have this vision of myself as this romantic person, doing all of these romantic things, but reality just doesn’t line up.

 

It’s good to hear that you aromantic people can have relationships, if that’s what I turn out to be. I don’t think it’s a useful label for me personally though. It’s just not an identity I want. Maybe if someone showed love to me I would be able to love them back. That could be another reason why I haven’t experienced love. Maybe it’s something that I’m only capable of reciprocating. 

 

It’s definitely one of those things where I’m like, “the trans aspect changes everything.” I feel like it colors so much. Part of me wants to say, “well, how would it be if you were just cis?” But that’s not the case. I can’t ask that because that’s not how it is. Being trans very much colors all of this and I need to accept that.