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Who am I really and what do I want? Demi or asexual?


ethram

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Hi,

 

So I am new here, finally signed up to the site. I didn't know whether to post this in the Welcome section or here, but since my "problem" is mostly relationship related I figured it was better to post here. I want to tell my story, but it's very long and complicated (as most people's stories are). To make it easier I am going to make a list of all the ace relevant stuff about me:
 

- Female, soon to be 26 years old.

- In a happy relationship (3 and a half years) with an allosexual.

- Previously in a six year long relationship with the person I lost my virginity to when I was 16 years old (also allosexual).

- I see myself as a somewhat hyper-heteroromantic because I have fallen deeply in love with almost all my male friends (first one when I was 11 years old). I have been unhappily in love (non-reciprocal) almost all my life.
- Never any sexual feelings involved in any of my crushes or towards the people I fall in love with.

- I currently identify with being demisexual (and have for a year now).

- I have never masturbated and never believe I will ever do.

- I never think about sex, or crave it.

- I am repulsed by sex in any given setting (especially seeing or hearing it in for example movies etc.) other than with the person I am deeply in love with. This has worsened over the last year.

- I get aroused only when I am with my significant other, and I have a deepened sensual attraction towards him which often leads to sex.

- In the beginning of my current relationship I felt this huge bond and safe warm feeling that got me to actual feel sexual for the first time in my life. I felt sexual attraction for maybe the first time in my life.

- I never really felt sexual in my past relationship, which lead me to wonder about being asexual. At that time I thought I couldn't be because I very often enjoyed the sex I had and I wanted to have sex, but never really felt attracted.

 

That's the most important stuff to know. And my current problem has to do somewhat with my identification problem, I don't really know whether I am more demisexual or asexual. I have felt that sexual attraction only with the guy I am with now, but I don't know if that's actually what I am feeling or if I just don't mind having sex with him. I don't know if it's just him wanting sex and because I don't want to lose him, I don't really mind doing it with him. I like having sex with him, so it's not that I feel I'm sacrificing myself for him or something like that. I do initiate it sometimes, but I'm surprised by how much he thinks about this, wants to do it and feels like it's important in the relationship. I truly respect him for feeling that way and feel connected to him in this way also.

My biggest concern is: I am worried that I am turning more ace with time and he has explicitly told me that I need to figure out who I am and what I really want. Because if it turns out I really am asexual after all and has a completely different way of seeing and wanting sex than him, then he thinks I should be happy. He believes it will cause a lot of trouble or maybe ruin our relationship that we are this different. But up until now it has worked out fine, but do I really want to have sex all that often (one to several times a week)? He wants to, but I am not that sure. I believe I want to, but because of my general way of just never actually thinking about or craving sex other than when I'm with him, I'm not sure what is best for me. I really want to be with this guy, and we're thinking about moving in together next summer. I feel I need to figure things about before then I truly don't know what to do. I feel like I have a time limit, but I don't want my asexuality to be a thing that ruins a wonderful relationship.

I take any advice given, and in advance: thanks!

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I will personally will not say, because it is you that have to come with a decision of who you truly are. No one knows yourself better than yourself. I mean, I can give you an idea from what you wrote; however, know that I can be incorrect. I endorse you to read a blog post I did about Asexual Spectrum. Here is the link:

 

https://thegrayace.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/asexual-spectrum/

I hope it helps you. :) 

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity
1 hour ago, thegrayace said:

I will personally will not say because it is you that have to come with a decision of who you truly are. No one knows yourself better than yourself. I mean, I can give you an idea from what you wrote; however, know that I can be incorrect. I endorse you to read a blog post I did about Asexual Spectrum. Here is the link:

 

https://thegrayace.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/asexual-spectrum/

I hope it helps you. :) 

I agree with @thegrayace. No one but you can decide which way to choose while it's certainly a very difficult issue to work out on your own. I think the only useful piece of advise to offer you is this:

 

Never try to change yourself for others, no matter how important or precious they might be to you. If you should find yourself feeling more ace than demi, you should be brave  enough to really follow that path, even if it means loosing things you love on the other side. It's no use trying to pretend being someone that  you are not. It would only make you both unhappy and the relationship might come to an end, one way or another. I know it's not very encouraging but that's just how it looks to me right now.

 

However, I do hope that things will work out well for the two of you at last.

 

@thegrayace very nice blog!

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Thank you @thegrayace, the blog post contained many things I knew beforehand, but also gave me some new perspectives.

 

What you're saying, @Deus Ex Infinity, is kind of exactly what my boyfriend is telling me and it scares me. I don't think I have changed in the way I am towards him, and in my way of percieving our relationship, but I am really unsure of how I'm actually working as a person and sexual being.

 

I should probably post a topic about this later on, but I am so curious as to how I can be this sex repulsed in general, but not at all with the one I love. Clearly the opposite. And that confuses me to a huge degree. It's like this giant dissonance in me. It confuses him as well. The way I react to sex scenes for example, makes him puzzled, but he respects it all the same. 

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Personally, I do not like seeing sex scenes - it's uncomfortable at best. But, I like doing some sexual stuff, but only under very specific conditions (note: my partner...). Some people just don't like watching other people do stuff. 

 

As for the rest, well. How often do you think you would want it? I'd discuss it with him in terms of "I think I want it, but only X amount per..." and then he says his and you try to find some middle ground that works for you both. You want it, you like it, you just have different ideas of frequency, right? Different people have different drives and it's part of working things out as a couple. Sometimes the differing drives are too severe, sometimes they aren't.

 

I don't ID as ace anymore because I started wanting things with my partner that I feel are outside the asexual realm. But, I'd not be happy being expected to regularly have sex, either. Sexual stuff isn't something I consider a need, even though I do desire some of it now. If it wasn't part of my relationship, I wouldn't be unhappy. Other people are unhappy about it being not part of their relationship. My friend in college only wanted sex once a month and only did it more than that cause her boyfriend wanted to. It is really all about compatibility and human sexuality is so varied. 

 

I would not worry too much about the label and just decide what you want. Then discuss it with him vs what he needs. And see if there anything you can come up with together. And if you just aren't sure, tell him you aren't sure. And he'll have to decide if he can deal with the possibility you might not want to in the future.

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hey, um. the termonology doesn't define you. you are already defined, all the termonology does is describe that definition.

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