Amatae Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Hello. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now. He’s perfectly imperfect and I love every minute! However, about two years ago I began to realize that things were a bit different. After doing some research on my own and asking some questions I realized he is Asexual, at the very least he’s GrayA. When together physical contact isn’t what’s on his mind. I ask to hold his hand, I ask to get a hug, I ask for cuddles - even if we had just been holding hands five minutes prior. In three years I just now received a kiss on the cheek. my boyfriend doesn’t know he’s asexual or he does and doesn’t want to admit to me he is. We had a conversation in which he admitted he just doesn’t think about sex. So, I told him we would just take that off the table then and alleviate any pressure or misgivings about it. And I genuinely meant it, sex is no longer an option in our relationship and I’m ok with that. He seemed extremely relieved and I could visibly see him relax after the conversation. my issue is that I equate love and physical intimacy as a hand in hand. I love my boyfriend dearly and truly believe he’s my forever (which he believes as well). I’m trying to rewrite what I think about love and intimacy so I can better understand him and not press his boundaries. I guess what what I am asking is does anyone have any advice on how to quell that ? I’m not sure if this is even the right place as I’m not asexual. He assures me that he doesn’t mind when I’m flirty and frisky but to be honest it hurts when I am and I am greeted with nothing but a blank stare. It feels like rejection. So I would rather not be that way with him. I guess I’m actually asking how can I be a better girlfriend to my non-admitting asexual boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
WeirdOne Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Wow Amatae, that is a very difficult question, as we are all aces (asexuals) here. I can't help you, but I respect you for respecting your boyfriend and his orientation, even when he doesn't seem to know that he is asexual. I think i can understand that you feel rejected, but it really, really isn't rejection. You are an amazing girlfriend to him already! Good luck with your situation! Link to post Share on other sites
Amatae Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 2 minutes ago, WeirdOne said: Wow Amatae, that is a very difficult question, as we are all aces (asexuals) here. I can't help you, but I respect you for respecting your boyfriend and his orientation, even when he doesn't seem to know that he is asexual. I think i can understand that you feel rejected, but it really, really isn't rejection. You are an amazing girlfriend to him already! Good luck with your situation! Thank you - I honestly Am at a loss on where to go. If I try to go somewhere for online relationship help I’m met with “dump him” and I refuse to do that. I wouldn’t dump him for liking strawberry ice cream when I like chocolate so why would I over this? I guess I’m just needing to know more about the way he works so I can try to line up with that and not push boundaries. But he’s very closed when I bring up asexuality. I don’t know if he just really doesn’t want to admit it or if he genuinely just doesn’t know... Link to post Share on other sites
arokai Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 First off, don't worry about not being in the right place, this is the perfect place! Non-asexuals are totally welcome here, especially if they're looking for advice or to learn more about asexuality. I'd like to say that I already think you're on a good track, because you have such an open mind about this and you're wanting to rethink how love and intimacy should work. It would seem that you both have been able to keep a stable relationship for 3 years, despite the lack of anything sexual. I know it can sometimes be difficult to imagine a non-intimate relationship, but I would not even call your relationship a non-intimate one! You hug and cuddle, which are other types of intimacy. Just not sexual ones. There is no exact formula for how to be in a asexual-sexual relationship, all you can really do is make sure you are communicating with him. Making sure he's comfortable with whatever you guys do, and making sure you're both happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 You must never give up your sexual orientation for anyone or anything no matter how much you're in love. It's just not right. Yet, I can totally magine how difficult it is since I'm caught within a fimiliar situation myself but there's just no way out. It doesn't make any sense to force yourself into being someone you can't be since it would only make you feel unhappy or pretending in the very end :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 @Amatae Have a look in the 'Friends and Allies' section - there are plenty of sexual partners there. I'm one. Time, and sometimes exercise, is all that seems to help. Link to post Share on other sites
WeirdOne Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 21 minutes ago, Amatae said: Thank you - I honestly Am at a loss on where to go. If I try to go somewhere for online relationship help I’m met with “dump him” and I refuse to do that. I wouldn’t dump him for liking strawberry ice cream when I like chocolate so why would I over this? I guess I’m just needing to know more about the way he works so I can try to line up with that and not push boundaries. But he’s very closed when I bring up asexuality. I don’t know if he just really doesn’t want to admit it or if he genuinely just doesn’t know... Don't get me wrong you are very welcome here! I just have no clue how to help you Keep talking to him sounds like great advice, I think its in his best interest to understand what's happening right now between the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Amatae Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 2 minutes ago, WeirdOne said: Don't get me wrong you are very welcome here! I just have no clue how to help you Keep talking to him sounds like great advice, I think its in his best interest to understand what's happening right now between the two of you. No no I understand! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off that way! I’m very appreciative of your comment! It actually made me feel better as I felt I was failing as a girlfriend. ^^; Link to post Share on other sites
WeirdOne Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Just now, Amatae said: No no I understand! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off that way! I’m very appreciative of your comment! It actually made me feel better as I felt I was failing as a girlfriend. ^^; Sounds to me like you are the opposite of a failing girlfriend! You are here, aren't you? Trying to help him and yourself. I would say he is pretty damn lucky to have you. The Friends and Allies section seems like a good place for your question, maybe someone there has been in your situation and can offer you some advice! Stay strong Link to post Share on other sites
TheSmokingSkellie Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 25 minutes ago, Amatae said: No no I understand! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to come off that way! I’m very appreciative of your comment! It actually made me feel better as I felt I was failing as a girlfriend. ^^; The fact that you're so willing to accept him and change in some way shows you're not failing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Amatae Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 I didn’t know there was a friends and partners section ^^; I don’t know if the thread can be moved or closed but I would like to thank you all for your feedback (just wanted to say that in case the thread was closed) - you’ve all been incredibly helpful Link to post Share on other sites
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