Accepting Reality

[Lotus_]

First off, I am new here. I stumbled upon this community when I googled asexuality. I'm home from work with an ankle injury and spent most the day online. Feels kind of like a waste of time, but I'm glad I found this forum.

 

My wife and I have been together five and a half years and married for almost one. We had sex more regularly at the beginning of our relationship, but over time is has been significantly reduced. We have sex anywhere from 1-3 times per month, so maybe asexual isn't the right "label" for her, but I do feel she is somewhere on the asexual spectrum. What I'm struggling with is the fact that she almost seems to be in denial about her sexual desire, or lack thereof. 

 

I try to communicate my needs to her and let her know that she can be her true self with me, but there's still push back. Maybe I'm wrong to try to get her to define herself with a label she clearly does not resonate with. However, I do feel as though I'm in a mixed relationship and in need of community to help me make sense of my own feelings. I hope that I am still welcomed here to do that. We are starting couple's therapy next week and I hope to gain more insight and understanding over time.

 

Most the time, when I ask point blank if she's asexual, she tells me no. And maybe I should accept that, but her words and actions don't match up. There have been times in our relationship where she said she thought she might be asexual and expressed that to some mutual friends as well. She did experience sexual trauma in her past, which I understand is not the root of asexuality and may be insulting to suggest that they're related at all. However, I know plenty of trauma survivors, myself included, that are sexual. This is why I feel there may be more to her lack of desire than her past experiences, ie: she's an asexual who has experienced sexual trauma. I apologize if it is insensitive of me to bring this up at all. I just can't help but wonder if there's any correlation. I'm honestly just trying to get my feelings typed out for the first time as it pertains to the sexual incompatibility in my relationship.

 

She is not aromantic. She enjoys touch, cuddling, holding hands but that's where she draws the line. We've tried a sex schedule and had some success, but like other sexuals it's not what I desire from sex. It is still very obvious that she doesn't desire it or me like I do her, which is hard to come to terms with. 

 

The feelings of frustration, resentment, and rejection are sometimes hard to bare. It feels like we're on a cycle that keeps repeating itself. Sometimes the negative feelings get the best of me and I seriously contemplate ending things, then I remember all that we share together, and everything we have outside of sex that makes our relationship meaningful. I come to the realization that I really don't want this to end. Eventually I end up feeling at the end of my rope and the cycle starts over though. I don't think I want to do that the rest of my life.

 

No matter what happens or what we discover through therapy, I wanted to say that stumbling upon this website and forum has made me feel like I'm not alone. Whether my wife is truly asexual, demisexual, or sexual I found community when I felt like I had none. So thanks again. ❤️

 

--Hannah

 

 

[thedemiace]

I think the first mistake is trying to label her as such. Even if she is, the label has to come from her. For instance, if you talk with the 20 year old me, and call him asexual, I would tell you that I am not. It was my research and experiences in life that determined that I truly was.

A lack of sex because of a trauma is different than being asexual. This like me saying you are homosexual because of some sexual trauma in the past. Being asexual is different. The sexual traumas would be a mental health issue, while asexuality is a sexual orientation. Of course, an asexual could have a trauma that maybe it could move his or her behavior farther away from sex. Also, remember that different people will express different even if they pass the same trauma. Don't do the mistake of thinking that even if both passed through a trauma, that her reactions would be similar or the same as yours.

Good luck on therapy. I hope things get solved, and if your wife discovers a new self-identity, show her that she is not alone and that she has your support.