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Age differece


Purple2

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I met a guy online about a month ago and we recently decided to date each other exclusively. He is the second person I have had noticeable romantic attractions to and the first person I might be slightly sexually attracted to. He is sexual but is not interested in sex and I (think) I am grey-sexual. Just after we decided to be exclusive he told me he was lying to me about his age and that he is really 16. He had previously told me that he was 18; I am 19. I told him that I forgave him. I don't want to loose him but am concerned about the age difference. It just seems weird. However, the age gap was not a problem when I thought he was 18 and I probably never would have found out unless he told me. Is it too weird to keep dating him?

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5 years between me and my partner and in 10 years it won't even be an issue for you. However I'd ask him to come clean about any other lies! It's a pretty big thing to lie about.

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I'd be pissed af about the age lie. Great start, instant strike out :mad: Other than that, three years are quite a bit of a difference at this point, but it won't matter anymore when he has caught up regarding life stages in a couple of years.

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Nah, he's not that far off, actually. It would be different with a 15/13 3 year gap but that's okay. But hey, do whatever you want. 

 

Actually, I'm gonna start a post in Hot Box whether age is just a number or not. Sounds interesting 

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Thanks so much for all your responses! I'm still hurt but I know he wont lie again. We started out as friends and then he didn't tell me because he was afraid I would leave him. This makes me feel al lot better. I guess I am worried people would judge me but thats their problem. :)

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Just now, Purple2 said:

Thanks so much for all your responses! I'm still hurt but I know he wont lie again. We started out as friends and then he didn't tell me because he was afraid I would leave him. This makes me feel al lot better. I guess I am worried people would judge me but thats their problem. :)

Whooop thats the way to take it on! :P

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10 minutes ago, Homer said:

I'd be pissed af about the age lie. Great start, instant strike out :mad: Other than that, three years are quite a bit of a difference at this point, but it won't matter anymore when he has caught up regarding life stages in a couple of years.

I completely agree. First of all, that's a big lie for this situation. Then there's the fact that at those ages, it IS a big gap. In a few years, it won't be, but for now it is. Just my opinion.

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In my opinion, the problem in relationships is if one person seems to have power over the other. Sometimes an age gap can create this, sometimes not. The other problem is if you feel that you are in too different of a spot in life to relate to your partner because of an age gap.

 

Although the lying about his age does concern me. You say that you know he won't lie again, but in my experience (of hearing from friends, not personal experience) people who lie about their age in a relationship so often lie about other things. And being in a relationship with a serial liar never ends well. Be careful, and don't give him more chances than he deserves.

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Strawberry ice cream

Don't worry about this little age difference. He told you truth, later but told. I don't consider it as some BIG lie. It looks like small innocent lie.

And actually, this age difference is so cute :D  I know some people in relationship with differences like 10-20 years and they are happy. :D

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WinterWanderer

That's not too big an age gap. My dad was 27 when he dated my mom, who was 17. My sister and her husband are 15 years apart. 

 

The only problem you might have is people accusing you of taking advantage of a minor. *eyeroll* (If you live in the US, that is.) It doesnt happen often, though. I wouldn't worry about it.

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hell no that's nothing .. and he only lied because he wanted to be with you I guess. I mean that counts for something.

I've never dated anyone closer than 4 years to my age .. over or under.

 

They may be a difference in maturity when it comes to serious conversations ... but I'm sure you can figure that out.:D

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J. van Deijck

it's not weird, it's pretty okay. there's 10 years age difference between my parents and it's okay, too. it also seems that he didn't reveal his real age because he was afraid you might find him too young for yourself.

my bf is literally two months and one week younger than me (we're both 27), but my ex is 4 years younger and it's okay, too.

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J. van Deijck
2 minutes ago, Purple2 said:

He first lied because we met on a dating site where you have to be 18. I hate lying but I don’t think he will again. 

that also explains a lot.

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Semiterrestrial Scientist

My grandpa and grandma had an age difference of 16 yrs. Age isn’t too big of a deal. The lying might become a problem though.

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I'd not be so concerned about lying and age difference so much as fantasy versus reality. You both have been experiencing each other virtually, and it sounds like this young fellow has been playing a role. You have been sharing a fantasy, even though you didn't know the extent till now.

 

The transition to reality may or may not be satisfactory. I encourage you to be prepared for that when meeting up, for your own emotional protection and well being.

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it's probably fine, unless it's illegal where you are. I only have shitty experiences to speak from but that's cause he was a douche and not cause he was older. 

 

totally ignoring what it was about though - I still agree with hero, the lying isn't cool. 

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3 hours ago, Purple2 said:

Thanks so much for all your responses! I'm still hurt but I know he wont lie again.

Heaven bless your kind heart if you really believe this.

 

The age difference isn't that big, my parents were 8 years apart. I'd be more worried about him lying and if that's considered underaged and illegal rather than age difference.

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Is it nieve to think he won’t lie again if he never lied about anything else? He repeatedly said how sorry he was and how he never should have lied. When we first met we thought it would be a one time thing. So he thought he would never see me again. He told me the truth when we decided to have a relationship. I believe in second chances but I’ve never been lied to before.

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4 hours ago, Purple2 said:

Is it nieve to think he won’t lie again if he never lied about anything else? He repeatedly said how sorry he was and how he never should have lied. When we first met we thought it would be a one time thing. So he thought he would never see me again. He told me the truth when we decided to have a relationship. I believe in second chances but I’ve never been lied to before.

I would say to follow your gut. Give him a second chance if you think he deserves it, but not a fourth chance, and an eighth chance... I just know a lot of people who let a second chance turn into more and more chances, and ended up in a bad situation. I don't want you to end up hurt.

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the guy 'lied' by signing up to a dating site which (unfairly) blocks people below 18 from signing up. He was forced to lie if he wanted to join the site.

Even if he did lie, he did it when you barely knew him. Trust is earned -- you don't get to demand someone to spill their guts the first time you meet them. It happens over time, and it seems you have gained his trust, so what's the problem? I think the people in this thread are being waaay too sensitive about it. And in the end, it's such a stupid, insignificant lie anyway. If age doesn't matter, and it doesn't, what does the lie matter, by extension?

 

But as Juno has said, lying is not a healthy thing in general. If lying is a trend, it's probably not worth the effort. If you don't know your partner, if they don't trust you, why be with them?

 

and also: "I've never been lied to before."

.. how do you know though? :thinking:

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Uhm...he's like underage....so i dunno...i would be put off....

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notfeelingit98

Erm..., as someone who has liked a guy who's 4 years younger than me for a long time, I get your concerns about the age gap. But what I found out is that feelings are feelings, you know? If you really like each other, you shouldn't worry about it too much. My friends parents are 15 years apart and it doesn't seem like it's much of a problem.

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nanogretchen4

The age difference is exactly large enough to leave you liable to prosecution as a sex offender if, for example, he were to send you a nude photo of himself. Which, since he is both sexual and perhaps not utterly trustworthy, is a thing that could conceivably happen.  Even though it may not be your intention to have a sexual relationship, I would avoid any romantic entanglements with jail bait. Anyway, if you are grey-sexual, can you guarantee the relationship will stay completely chaste for a full two years no matter how he may beg?

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Being online is a great opportunity to play with your identity. I would focus more on the fact that he told the truth eventually. @Purple2 would probably have "swiped away", if she knew from the beginning and thereby miss a chance for something good.

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1 hour ago, nanogretchen4 said:

The age difference is exactly large enough to leave you liable to prosecution as a sex offender if, for example, he were to send you a nude photo of himself. Which, since he is both sexual and perhaps not utterly trustworthy, is a thing that could conceivably happen.  Even though it may not be your intention to have a sexual relationship, I would avoid any romantic entanglements with jail bait. Anyway, if you are grey-sexual, can you guarantee the relationship will stay completely chaste for a full two years no matter how he may beg?

16 is not illegal for a sexual relationship to a 19 yro in all countries (or states, for that matter). So, it depends on where the OP is from if there are legal issues to consider with any physical happenings. Though, pictures are another matter, as even in places where you can have sex with a 16 year old, you still often can't have photos. 

 

So, first thing I would look into is what age is legal for you where you are. If he is too young to be legal, do you want to risk being reported by his parents (or teachers or ...) at any point? If he is legally underage, that's a big risk, especially for someone who lied to you and didn't give you a chance to have informed consent to taking said risk in the first place.

 

If there are no legal issues to consider, then 3 years isn't that big an age gap. It depends on if you think you're compatible enough and if you can trust him after he lied to you. 

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honestly I wouldn't let the lie thing get to the OP.  the guy is still pretty young and therefore more prone to making mistakes, and even at maturity EVERYONE makes mistakes.  people are fallible.  like does anyone else think that 86ing the guy because he lied about his age for likely a not even truly malicious reason (that the OP wouldn't have liked him back, or talked to him, or something) is rash and unnecessary?

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The age difference (which is really minor in this case, there's a bigger difference between me and my fiancee, for instance) is not so much a big deal to me as the fact that he felt like he had to lie to you.

 

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I completely agree. First of all, that's a big lie for this situation. Then there's the fact that at those ages, it IS a big gap. In a few years, it won't be, but for now it is. Just my opinion.

Honestly, 3 years is always just 3 years.  The only potential difference it can make here is in the eyes of the law if anything untoward happens.

 

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like does anyone else think that 86ing the guy because he lied about his age for likely a not even truly malicious reason (that the OP wouldn't have liked him back, or talked to him, or something) is rash and unnecessary?

As far as I'm concerned, lying for the reasons you said is a form of entrapment, and to me that is malicious.

 

And people who lie have a tendency to do it again.

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