Looking for advice on supporting a friend

[Melkk]

My best friend had been distant for a while, and recently came out to me. I felt honoured that he trusted me enough to share, but things still feel distant. It was difficult for me for a bit because I was trying to push away feelings of hurt that he had been lying to me about so many things for so long (that sounds bad- not about being ace, but like places he was going, plans for the weekend, etc). I know he has been spending time with someone who can understand where he is coming from, and I think that is such a good thing, but they do all the things we used to do together and I no longer know my place. I don’t know what to do because I miss my friend so much and it hurts. I’ve said this to him, but I didn’t get much of an answer. Hoping he just needs time to process. I don’t know if there’s any real answer to this except ‘give him space’ but I feel so alone in this and I really just need someone to talk to. Thanks for listening

[Tusceline]

A really good friend of mine recently (by resent I mean like over a month and a half at least) got into an online group chat and has been always talking to them and making inside jokes that I don't know about. I consider this person to be my closest friends and I'm always telling her stuff but she never tells me about what she does. I also get really upset cause she doesn't like me looking at the things she posts online but shes got like over 1000 followers so it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. I told her this too and she kinda just told me I was over thinking things, so I understand. For the most part, though, they'll only really talk when they're ready, maybe trying doing something over weekends to increase your time together?

[Tusceline]

also, welcome aven btw. sorry, i didn't say so earlier. hope you come to like it here and never feel like you can't just say whats on your mind; like I've got a post up just about me being bored and tipsy. 

[HighQueenErin24601]

First of all, if any of what I'm about to say sounds dumb or inapplicable, definitely don't follow my advice.

 

But I think it would help if you first clearly establish to your friend that you are available for whatever they need. Emphasize your points of common ground, whatever made you friends in the first place. I've never really had a best friend, so I can't imagine how you're feeling, but I do know that what you're feeling is just as valid as what they're feeling.

 

Don't forget this: They did eventually tell you what was going on, or at least some of what's going on, which implies to me that whatever their path or journey is, they still want you to be a part of it.

[Guest]

@Melkk Welcome to The Matrix. Happy to listen. I'm sorry it's so difficult right now.

 

As for your ace friend: Coming out and coming to terms with one's "alternative sexuality" can be incredibly disorienting. All sorts of past decisions and assumptions come up for review. It can feel like you're floating 3 feet off the ground all the time, with nothing solid to hang on to. The world is not the place you thought, and your focus can become very self-centered for a while.

 

I think your observation about letting the dust settle for a bit is spot-on. In the meantime, you might consider focusing on yourself in various healthy ways. Spend some time with other friends. Exercise, read some good books, do some meditation (whatever than means for you). Try not to take any of this personally. It's not about you, so avoid distressing yourself. When it comes time to rekindle the friendship, you'll be in a good place.

 

Feel free to keep us updated or ask for any further information or clarification. As John Lennon said, "We get by with a little help from our friends."