What does it mean when you can dream about romance but you don't feel it in real life?

[Seclusion]

I think I know what romantic feelings feel like because I've had dreams where I've felt like I wanted to hold someone's hand, kiss, or cuddle them. But for some reason I can't remember ever really feeling that way toward anyone in real life. Granted, I'm only 17 and still kind of young and inexperienced, but it just confuses me.

[Tusceline]

Maybe it's something you're looking for or thinking about what it might be like. Maybe find someone you're comfortable with and try for something like that. Although I'm also only 17 so don't take my word as fact because it's likely very wrong and only you can tell yourself how you feel.

[Kururin]

Hiya! Welcome to AVEN! 

 

Looks like to me you may have gotten the sensual dream! People have those, but then they wake up and it's gone.  

 

Do you feel any romantic attraction towards anyone? Do you want that reciprocated? You could be aromatic, which means you have no romantic attraction for anyone. (being ace means to have no, or lack of, sexual attraction) but only you can decide what you are 

[binary suns]

I experience that, and I am demiromantic. I would not claim that that trend is universal just from my experience alone tho. but for me, I felt romantic feelings for people in dreams long before I ever felt romantic feelings for someone IRL.

 

I suppose it's plausible that it's from repression as one alternative, or from greyromanticism in the form that it's so rare that it's only for the right people and everyone else just isn't romantically appealing, not really demiromanticism but in a way similar. that, it's common in the mind because the mind's subjects aren't quite real

 

which leads me to realize another plausible logic to explain it is - in the mind's creation the falseness of the person allows for romanticism to be felt, but in the reality of the world romanticism isn't there at all.

 

some folks are just fictoromantic (or fictosexual) (did I spell that right) where they only feel romantic feelings for fictional or fantasy characters, but not for IRL people.

 

and there's a possibiliy that people feel romance empathetically but not themselves. IDK if this is really a thing or not but it strikes me as possible - that someone can see others emotionally react romantically and mirror that, and even then project it onto someone in their dream in this subject matter, but they don't summon up their own authentic feeling of romantic. but, it's also possible this is just a manifestation of repression, that the person doesn't allow themselves internally without knowing, tehy don't allow themselves to express romantic love unless someone else feels it, which could be categorized as demi lol tho technically repression isn't orientation but whatever .

 

I'm just rambling. sorry if this is confusing. sorry if anything I said was kinda dumb and annoying too.

[HonoraryJedi]

I once had a dream that I fell in love with the grim reaper. I was chasing runaway horses over some green hills, and the grim reaper was there, with all his friends and he was really cool, and I instantly had a crush on him. But he was also, well, death, so I was also kind of scared he would kill me. The point of this story is, dreams are weird. Don't pay them too much mind. You may or may not end up having romantic feelings for someone down the line, but I don't think if you have dreams or not really plays into it that much.

[LettACE]

i feel exactly the same way, iv'e never liked someone romantically, but i like the idea of it all, a significant other sounds great in my mind, but in reality i just never feel that way towards people

[Kururin]

6 minutes ago, LettACE said:

i feel exactly the same way, iv'e never liked someone romantically, but i like the idea of it all, a significant other sounds great in my mind, but in reality i just never feel that way towards people

Juust gonna say this: Have you considered the term cupioromantic? It's means to desire a relationship but you don't have any romantic attraction. for anyone despite liking the idea of it.  Also aros experience that too

 

I can also suggest this to the OP. 

[Seclusion]

1 hour ago, float on said:

I experience that, and I am demiromantic. I would not claim that that trend is universal just from my experience alone tho. but for me, I felt romantic feelings for people in dreams long before I ever felt romantic feelings for someone IRL.

 

I suppose it's plausible that it's from repression as one alternative, or from greyromanticism in the form that it's so rare that it's only for the right people and everyone else just isn't romantically appealing, not really demiromanticism but in a way similar. that, it's common in the mind because the mind's subjects aren't quite real

 

which leads me to realize another plausible logic to explain it is - in the mind's creation the falseness of the person allows for romanticism to be felt, but in the reality of the world romanticism isn't there at all.

 

some folks are just fictoromantic (or fictosexual) (did I spell that right) where they only feel romantic feelings for fictional or fantasy characters, but not for IRL people.

 

and there's a possibiliy that people feel romance empathetically but not themselves. IDK if this is really a thing or not but it strikes me as possible - that someone can see others emotionally react romantically and mirror that, and even then project it onto someone in their dream in this subject matter, but they don't summon up their own authentic feeling of romantic. but, it's also possible this is just a manifestation of repression, that the person doesn't allow themselves internally without knowing, tehy don't allow themselves to express romantic love unless someone else feels it, which could be categorized as demi lol tho technically repression isn't orientation but whatever .

 

I'm just rambling. sorry if this is confusing. sorry if anything I said was kinda dumb and annoying too.

On no, don't apologize at all! I find your theory pretty interesting in fact. A lot of what you said makes sense to me and I wonder if a lot of other people feel this way about it too... It could be repression though which is something I'm still trying to figure out.

[The Gnat (Natalie)]

1 hour ago, float on said:

I experience that, and I am demiromantic. I would not claim that that trend is universal just from my experience alone tho. but for me, I felt romantic feelings for people in dreams long before I ever felt romantic feelings for someone IRL.

 

I suppose it's plausible that it's from repression as one alternative, or from greyromanticism in the form that it's so rare that it's only for the right people and everyone else just isn't romantically appealing, not really demiromanticism but in a way similar. that, it's common in the mind because the mind's subjects aren't quite real

 

which leads me to realize another plausible logic to explain it is - in the mind's creation the falseness of the person allows for romanticism to be felt, but in the reality of the world romanticism isn't there at all.

 

some folks are just fictoromantic (or fictosexual) (did I spell that right) where they only feel romantic feelings for fictional or fantasy characters, but not for IRL people.

 

and there's a possibiliy that people feel romance empathetically but not themselves. IDK if this is really a thing or not but it strikes me as possible - that someone can see others emotionally react romantically and mirror that, and even then project it onto someone in their dream in this subject matter, but they don't summon up their own authentic feeling of romantic. but, it's also possible this is just a manifestation of repression, that the person doesn't allow themselves internally without knowing, tehy don't allow themselves to express romantic love unless someone else feels it, which could be categorized as demi lol tho technically repression isn't orientation but whatever .

 

I'm just rambling. sorry if this is confusing. sorry if anything I said was kinda dumb and annoying too.

I agree with you. I very recently realized that I'm demiromantic (I've known I was ace for a little bit longer), and I definitely have romantic dreams on occasion. I'll wake up and think that maybe the dream signified something, but then when I interact with the person in real life afterwords the idea of doing romantic things with them just feels/sounds icky. I only have these very rarely, though. And oddly, when I did have a crush on a guy I never had a dream like that about him.

 

I really like what you said about feeling romance empathetically because I experience that with sexuality, but I could never figure out how to put it into words. That's why sex scenes between fictional characters that I have a lot of context for and whose relationship has built up over time don't bother me. I can enjoy/appreciate the idea of what the characters are feeling and be happy for them that they're enjoying themselves even though I don't personally feel sexual attraction 

[binary suns]

17 minutes ago, Seclusion said:

On no, don't apologize at all! I find your theory pretty interesting in fact. A lot of what you said makes sense to me and I wonder if a lot of other people feel this way about it too... It could be repression though which is something I'm still trying to figure out.

I worry about it a lot. I am demi romantic it seems, and for sure also quoiromantic. but, I have fallen for dreams before, and that was actually kinda scary lol. I have a few crushes from my past which is why I am demi, because it took really getting and feeling close to them before my feelings manifested. but, I also have autism, and folk with aspie-spectrum stuff goin on for them are known for being cautious about close intimacy in many ways - friendships, romance, sex, or even just opening up to family and copworkers who deserve to know. so I worry that it is just that - that discomfort towards closeness, that holds me back, that maybe I'm not really demi at all but instead - just a scaredycat.

[binary suns]

3 minutes ago, The Gnat (Natalie) said:

I agree with you. I very recently realized that I'm demiromantic (I've known I was ace for a little bit longer), and I definitely have romantic dreams on occasion. I'll wake up and think that maybe the dream signified something, but then when I interact with the person in real life afterwords the idea of doing romantic things with them just feels/sounds icky. I only have these very rarely, though. And oddly, when I did have a crush on a guy I never had a dream like that about him.

 

I really like what you said about feeling romance empathetically because I experience that with sexuality, but I could never figure out how to put it into words. That's why sex scenes between fictional characters that I have a lot of context for and whose relationship has built up over time don't bother me. I can enjoy/appreciate the idea of what the characters are feeling and be happy for them that they're enjoying themselves even though I don't personally feel sexual attraction 

yeah exactly ! heh. and like, generally speaking I have a vague interest in pairing up some day, romantically. and I try to find romance in places where it isn't. but, I don't find it there...

 

 

when I was with my one GF, she really er um. she really was rather hot for me "redface" and I 100% reciprocated that off of empathy alone, tho I mean I also thought she was quite attractive too. (sexuality is the topic of the story) but, I really just wanted to admire her and kiss her, and would follow her lead with everything else - and we'd both hesitate to do anything serious. She wanted to do some stuff and I didn't really wanna, but I saw her emotional interest and was all feeling it too, like, empathy , seeing it and copying it, mirroring it.  not a great example 'cause, there it was definitely that I had something already, and seeing her have more of it only just let me feel  it like she did. but remembering that, makes me wonder if it's possible for some folk to reciprocate entirely from 0 - they have no romantic inspiration internally, but external romance gives them enough of an emotional feel that it's as if they are romantic or sexual.

 

[LeChat]

Perhaps lithromantic/apromantic? 

 

http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Lithromantic

[LettACE]

15 hours ago, nemu_X said:

Juust gonna say this: Have you considered the term cupioromantic? It's means to desire a relationship but you don't have any romantic attraction. for anyone despite liking the idea of it.  Also aros experience that too

 

I can also suggest this to the OP. 

I have but I dont know if it quite fits, because i dont necessarily want a relationship, i just like the idea of it. So im juts sorta using aromantic right now

[Seclusion]

20 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Perhaps lithromantic/apromantic? 

 

http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Lithromantic

I sort of thought I could be lithromantic because I've had a lithromantic-ish experience before but that was only once so I can't really make a solid judgment based on that alone... I haven't ruled it out though.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

Very good question indeed.  I don't know.

[Nidwin]

There's no point in this as we still don't know the "function" of dreaming. May be it's to do some cleanup while reinforcing long term memory up there but till Today the lack of conclusive evidence makes the only valid answer "I don't know".

[melisestel]

On 27/10/2017 at 9:09 AM, float on said:

and there's a possibiliy that people feel romance empathetically but not themselves. IDK if this is really a thing or not but it strikes me as possible - that someone can see others emotionally react romantically and mirror that, and even then project it onto someone in their dream in this subject matter, but they don't summon up their own authentic feeling of romantic.

You have just given me the beginnings of an epiphany. Last winter, I learned a lot about the ways in which being an empath affected my relationships with others and the person I became. I had struggled with the feeling that I didn't have a personality of my own - that I was constantly doing/saying what other people wanted to hear or what made the most sense in the situation. And that's something that a lot of empathetic people struggle with.

 

I had also been thinking a while ago, after realizing I am Aro/Ace, about ~romance~. I had a long term relationship and struggled with intimacy and questioned whether or not I really wanted the relationship because I had been so happy single. I can't remember what I was thinking about a couple weeks ago, I was trying to think back on my relationship and whether or not I missed it and in trying to bring to mind ~romance~, I pictured myself laying next to him and reaching over and stroking his arm - something I never felt the urge to do when I was actually with him. I set it aside and chalked it up to me having an IDEA of what romance feels like and being able to PICTURE it, even though I never want to actually experience it in a relationship myself.

 

But I hadn't thought about how my empathy could be a factor. I can imagine it so clearly because I have empathized romance and romantic feelings.

 

Hmm... I'm going to have to journal and brainstorm this. Thanks for the jumping off point!

[NerotheReaper]

Well to my understanding, dreams are kind of a collection of thoughts that occurred, whether you were aware of it or not. Like the dreams where you die, you might not been thinking of falling but it was somewhere in your brain. For dreams with romantic themes, maybe you thought about a relationship or it might be external forces. So maybe you saw some couples, or the media's portray of relationships got into your brain. 

 

I am not an expert though!