Big rant

[BrLg]

(New here) I guess I'm just gonna rant and write everything I got in my mind because I can't handle living with all these stuffs anymore, and I need somewhere safe to just write down everything going in my head. I really need to write everything somewhere, since I'm pretty bad with speaking... My English is ok I guess, but it's not my native tongue (French is) so please don't mind eventual mistakes. CW I guess, period, sex maybe idk, maybe not appropriate words, misgendering perhaps I dont' really know the good words in English to talk about lgbt stuffs.

 

Something like one year ago, I was alone in my home, dressed up with masculine clothes (yeah I know what is masculine/feminine clothes gender roles omg yeah etc... it was new to my and i'ts how I was thinking at this time) and suddenly I had like a flash, and I looked at myself in the mirror and a voice in my head just said "I want to be like this every days. I want to be a man. I I am a man. I want to be perceive as a man" and I had billion of flashbacks of my childhood and it was like everything finally made sense. Like I was finally able to connect every pieces of the puzzle. And for 2 minutes, my head was empty. I was starring at my reflection on the mirror, shocked by my thoughts, and I didn0t know what to do next. I went on discord (something like skype you know) to talk with people because I was so lost, I need to have contact with human being, but I was home alone so I just join a group chat and idk heard to people without saying anything because I was so stresses yet relieved yet lost it was like the world was on pause and I was living alone not knowing what to do with this information that I might be trans.
Time goes by, and now I'm here, almost one year later, and way more informed about lgbt+ stuffs. Nearly every day since this revelation, I read everything I could found on internet, newspapers, I watched a shit ton of video on youtube, I went on Instagram and Facebook to see other trans people and follow their journey. I wanted to know everything. FtM, MtF, non-binary, third gender, etc everything. And my life made sense every day a little more. I was confortable calling me trans. I told my closest friends, they all are SO SUPPORTIVE I love them so much. My bro also knows, and he doesn't mind at all, our relation even got bette since I told him.
But now I'm panicking. I can't handle this anymore. I don't want to be trans. I mean I wish SO BAD I was born a man, you can't imagine how it affects my life every days. I always said I wanted to be born male, but I have never thought I may be trans. But still, I really want to be living, considering and having a cis-man's body. But I don't want to be trans, and to be honest I'm n to even sure anymore if I am or not. What If it's just trauma? I think about my father. Our relation is bad af, I live with my mother and I don0't want to see him. But everyone I know keep telling my "omg you look so much like your dad!(physical aspect)" and almost all my interest in life are the same he has (music, video games, drawing, movies, art in general etc...) and we got pretty much the same character (I dont want to enumerate everything, you got me). So one of my thought is, do I think I'm trans because of my father? Because he's not there anymore and unconsciously I want to replace him?
Or maybe I'm just misogynist and I hate my female apparence? I use to really don't like feminine things, it has always made me so uncomfortable, but sometimes I still like putting makeup and like wearing croctops but that's all and it's like twice a year or when I do cosplay, but I don0t get as much satisfaction now compared as I use to before having those thoughts of being trans. So am I just disgusted by my own body? I hate having periods, boobs and hips, and I always wanted to have a deep voice (when I was like 10 and I first heard boys get deep voice when they hit puberty, I was so excited mine will go down to but yup spoiler alert you have a female body so you won't have that voice you're dreaming about). But I guess these things <i hate about myself don't make me trans, right? Maybe I just hate how women are seen I society. I do really hate when I'm downtown or with friends who don't know about my identity problems and they all talk to me as they talk to every other women, and it really makes me uncountable, but is ti because I'm not a female? Because I hate being seen a such? Or because I hate how women are treated by society? But I don't think so, because my girl friends aren't bothered, they all find it's normal and they like being treated as women (yeah this sentence is fucked up but I do have a lack of vocabulary to really express myself in English). Maybe I'm just a tomboy, but i dont' know. I identify as asexual because yup I never had attirance for sex or anything related to that. I hate imagining myself in a relationship. Because if I live as a female, I can be with a boy or a girl, yet I really don't like seeing myself with a girl, it would just not work, like no, just no. I can't explain, living as a girl, I could never be with one. And I don't like seeing myself with a man neither, because if there would be a man in the relationship, then I want the man to be me. I could imagine myself with a man being a woman, if this make sense. I use to read fan fictions or stuff like that when I was idk 13 maybe (because you know friends sent them in grouchat and I was curious), but I had litarraly no interest and I thing it was a lost of time, until I found gay fan fiction, I was still not interested, but not disgusted as I was when reading the others. And after realising I might be trans, I remembered this, and I figured out maybe I'm ace because I'm a an in a girl's body and therefor I don't want a relationship because I never ever could have imagined being a man with a man? I would like to tbh. I would really like to be a man and having boyfriend. I sometimes dream about that, since I know I can be a man, if I want to.
But what if it's all about trauma? About my illnesses? ( I don't remember if i mentioned it before but I'm depressed since like 5 years, had to go to hospital the whole last year, I got a shit ton of medication etc...) What if it's just a way my head found to be living a new life, since the one I got since then is fucked up? Maybe it's just depersonalisation, maybe I just created myself a new life, to try to escape from the one I have and is destroying myself in every fucking way possible? I don't know who I am, what I like, what I want to do, and Im fucking 19 everyone keep asking me what I want to do after my school (I don't know the equivalent word of where I am in English), and why do I never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend, sometimes people assume I am a lesbian since I'm pretty masculine but I'm certainly not into women sorry). I can't handle this anymore. being trans made sens to me this whole year, but now I just can't. I HATE living in m,y body as a woman, but I really don't want to be trans, yet I would die to be born a man. I sometimes just think about video games and how I would like to be able to like delete my life and start again with a male character, that would be awesome. I'm smiling right now thinking about it. Maybe I'm just VERY INSECURE woman. I don'0t know. I don't like calling me a woman. 

Anyway I'm so fucking lost I don't know who am I anymore, since being me is hurtful, but I'm not even sure anymore I'm trans. Who am I??? I can't. This became too much. I just can't anymore. I want to sleep all days so nobody sees me and yeah... I juts want to dissapear and never have to deal with anyone ever again.Please tell me I'm not the only one lost af... I can't handle this anymore... school, trans, (gay?), depression ,medics, anxiety, omg I cant I just cant. I don't want this as a life please how is everyone able to live since idk 80 or more?? I can't even live one day without thinking about death. Ok I'm gonna stop ranting now.

If you read all my rant, first of all, thanks. Thank you so much. Really, it means so much to me. Thanks. I wrote maybe to much ahah but yeah it was a kind of writing therapy, I needed it. Ok enough about me. Thanks. Have a nice day.
(btw I got really anxious when replying, but it doesn't mean I don't care, I care a lot)

[SamwiseLovesLife]

43 minutes ago, BrLg said:

I HATE living in m,y body as a woman, but I really don't want to be trans, yet I would die to be born a man. I sometimes just think about video games and how I would like to be able to like delete my life and start again with a male character, that would be awesome. I'm smiling right now thinking about it. Maybe I'm just VERY INSECURE woman. I don'0t know. I don't like calling me a woman. 

Ahhhhhhh I've been here, sorry you're feeling this way <3

[Tusceline]

Hey, so I know i can't really relate to being uncomfortable in my gender (and I might be really bad at this supportive stuff) But like you i constantly have self doubt, today I couldn't even have a conversation with one of my best friends cause to me it sounded like I was just annoying her with this one same topic. after the conversation, I told her that I was sorry for annoying her and like the open book I am told her how I felt through the entire conversation, to which she replied that I was over thinking things again. but sometimes it can be good to think these things through, it tells us how we feel. Just so long as by the end we understand that we are allowed to feel that way. You are never always going to feel the same way about these things constantly and you aren't alone in that. You can take your whole life to think this through, change your mind because at the end of the day it's not up to other people, this is you, it's about you and you are entitled to think and act and do whatever makes you comfortable. It's why we're all here and places like aven exist. I recently found a term that is for aces that I can't remember for the life of me how to spell, describing how it's being attracted to the situation but not the people, and I thought OMG that explains so much, but I was worried that others wouldn't accept that I'm ace because I like reading about these situations in fanfiction but am super indifferent to being in any such situation myself, so i came here and spent time looking through everyone else's stories and thoughts and realised that a lot of people go through similar situations and have the same kind of thoughts about whether what they feel is correct to a generalised term. I'm constantly scared about telling my family about my asexuality and really just want to find a best platonic friend i can live with for the rest of my life and I'm so scared of death that i want to be frozen and later reanimated and these thoughts keep me up at night. Anyway, my point is (cause i think i lost it some way through there) is that while you will judge yourself and others will judge you too, there are a ton of people out there that understand too, maybe not completely but you will find them. *hugs* 

I'm always here if you want to talk, and i want you to feel reassured that there are people who will be true to you and you should never have to feel like you need to be any different then you are. 

[Kururin]

Hey dude, welcome to AVEN. First off, I also do get anxious when it comes to replying. I often don't even look at my messages. It's okay.

 

Second of all, I can understand you because I've been lost af myself.  While I do think of myself as female, finding my whole sexuality (or asexuality) was a huge ordeal for me. Now, I'm unfortunately (please do keep in mind that I speak in a rather peculiar way, so I'm fairly poetic. It's not literal.) cursed by witches to have this stupid thing called social anxiety, and I won't be surprised if it's anxiety in general. I care very much about what people think about me, so soon when I was thrown with the realization that I was not straight, I had a really big panic attack (and it got worse when word got out that I could be at least half gay. 13 at that time) because I was scared of how people would see me. It got rather bad to the point I was basically depressed with everything. I felt like the biggest scum of the earth. I didn't really leave my house due to my anxiety. It affects me socially since everyone that I knew was straight and 'normal'. I wanted to be like everyone else and feel great. It didn't work and I found myself even sadder. I found it extremely hard to accept myself and to say that 'hey, you're still human.'. I even didn't wanna live at some point.

 

I am still affected by social anxiety today, but the only difference is that now I completely accept my sexuality.  

 

Please realize that you are not by yourself because now you have found us and we don't even care who you are, what you identify as or what you do because we already want to be your friend. There are many of us who know how you are really feeling right now because they have been through it themselves and live to tell the story. There are some who are still lost in the darkness, but we are always going to be there to help. I know that this time might be really hard for you, but you're not alone anymore. You have us now. We have you to be our new friend. And everyone on AVEN is happy to help and talk to you. 

[LeChat]

Hello! There's a Québec Canadian FTM trans Youtuber—whose first language is French—who's talked about how he questioned whether he wanted to transition or not. Maybe it'll help you. (Most of his videos are in English, with subtitles.)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfpPldcFfUQ

 

Personally, you sound like you're trans to me, because you mentioned several times in your post about how you very much wanted to be male; how you expected your voice to become lower, like your peers during puberty; how, in your dreams, you see yourself as male, etc., which are things I've heard other FTM transmen say they felt and/or wanted, growing up.

 

 

[BrLg]

@Tusceline @nemu_X Thank you a lot, I feel less alone reading your messages. It put a smile on y face ahah, I'm glad I found this website. I guess I need more time to figure stuffs out, but thank you for reading my post. It means a lot. Thanks.

[BrLg]

4 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Hello! There's a Québec Canadian FTM trans Youtuber—whose first language is French—who's talked about how he questioned whether he wanted to transition or not. Maybe it'll help you. (Most of his videos are in English, with subtitles.)

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfpPldcFfUQ

Oh I heard about this youtuber but I forgot his name! Thanks for putting the link! I've been looking for him since days!
I think I am too, but maybe everything is too new to me and it makes me feel very lost... I guess with time things will become clearer. 
 

[Acing It]

If it helps, I recognise a lot in what you are saying, although I have mild (walking) depression and anxietyand things are confusing as well. Every day I try and calm those feelings down to allow myself time for my mind and body to work through things. A lot of the time this seems to work but sometimes things get on top of me too and I need to shut myself off from the world. Weekends are there for me to be myself with myself and recharge my mental and emotional batteries. I need to do this to get through the week, unfortunately. I socialise a lot during the week but even that is hard as no one seems to understand or accept how I feel and a lot of the time I have to monitor my behaviour and 'tone it down' to feel accepted by others on a day to day basis. I also think it's very difficult for people to understand, and for us to get to grips with understanding ourselves. When it comes to relationships I feel the same as well, so you're not alone!

I can't write too much because I really, really need to go to bed but i wanted you to know you're not alone. I guess there are quite a few people on here who feel the same.

[BrLg]

On 28/10/2017 at 1:16 AM, Acing It said:

 I also think it's very difficult for people to understand, and for us to get to grips with understanding ourselves. When it comes to relationships I feel the same as well, so you're not alone!

Yes exactly, and it's so exhausting. For me it's like acting and I have to remember with who I'm with character so I don't betray myself, since people don't understand and I don't want to be rejected. 

[Acing It]

I know. I started not caring as much anymore and the consequences for me were there to be seen, unfortunately. I don't mind the consequences as much and I'm too emotionally tired to care to be honest. For me at least, it's got to the point where being myself is important but at the same time not to be too challenging at the same time. Having an honest conversation about things is more or less unthinkable, having put some feelers out. People always try and pull what I'm saying into what is familiar to them, not unlike asexual bingo. Some are better than others of course, and everyone has their limits of what they are able to understand or prepared to accept, not that what I am is that outrageous. If Aven hadn't been here, it would have made for a very lonely existence.