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Gutted :(


And all shall be well

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And all shall be well

Hi,

I’m a relative newbie, Been floating around for awhile...still not sure yet if I identifiy as asexual, but a lot of what I’ve been reading seems to fit with my experiences and feelings...it’s been reassuring the past few weeks to find out I’m not broken or immature...just indifferent!

 

Anyway, I thought I’d take the opportunity to get some support as I’ve been struggling a wee bit. I’m a 34 year old female, been with my partner for 8 years. If I am asexual, I’m definitely heteroromantic...Hopelessly romantic in fact. I think I fall in love, form crushes and infatuations etc, far too easily, but I’ve only just realised this isn’t based on sexual attraction.

 

Both me and my partner have realised I’m probably asexual lately. We love each other deeply, but he’s most definitely sexual, to the point he feels he has to let our relationship go as a couple. He thinks we have and always will have a unique and special relationship. While I don’t want to have sex with him (or anyone else), the thought of someone elese being his partner and sexual partner is heart-breaking,

 

For him, the fact I don’t get why the sexual dimension to a relationship is essential suggests I’m asexual, and he’s not prepared to live a sexless life. The fact I don’t get why he prioritises sex over love makes me pessimistic about relationships and slightly angry at him. I just don’t get it. If he loves me as much as he says he does, why is he prepared to let me go just so he can get his end away? He doesn’t even want kids. He’s already had a vasectomy. So it really is all about pleasure. I don’t want kids either though. I kind of get why people see sex as part of human existence in an abstract sort of way, similar to modern art...!? But i wouldn’t give up a soulmate, even for a glimpse of some masterpiece.

 

Thanks for reading.

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TheSmokingSkellie

Though you might not understand it, to non-ace individuals sex is a very important part of a relationship. It's the feeling of physical intimacy and closeness that they like (that and they like the feeling of it). So I wouldn't suggest getting angry with him, it's something that can't be helped. 

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The thing is that most sexual people see it is a form of emotional and physical enjoyment that can be shared together, thus making it a shared pleasure and deepening the bond between two people. When someone doesn't want sex with them, they feel like the person doesn't want as close a relationship as to be willing to share that pleasure with them, and it makes them feel worthless and like they're unable to fulfill both your and their needs. It's not giving up a soulmate for a partner, it's not being able to have a relationship with them to the extent you want it to be. Like you being with a sex-adverse partner. There are ways to make it work, but in the end, you would really crave a hug or a kiss from them, and they're not willing to give you that.

That being said, with an asexual - sexual relationship there are limited options on how to proceed, mostly being compromise sexually, open the relationship or breakup although others have found other alternatives. If he feels unhappy it would be wrong to force him to stay, but it doesn't mean you have to like it. 

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I so see where you're coming from.

I have recently bid farewell to a wife of nearly twenty years and felt similar resentment to the fact that she had made a stupid and disagreeable little thing like sex so important that it was going to break up an otherwise good relationship.

 

I've loved the relief of splitting though, and the pain of seeing them go off and find someone else was short-lived (way less than I expected it to be). In fact I rather pitied her to be honest. Like I had come out better off. The relief has become great. No more feeling broken or insufficient. Added to that I've found this great community. I feel no need to look for someone I just want to enjoy loads of stuff and build up some interaction with like-minded people.

 

One thing I have come to appreciate though is that their desire for sex has to be respected, and viewed in the same way as our desire for anything equally valuable to us .. romance, companionship. I wouldn't live in a relationship starved of romance now, and be told to suck it up for the sake of staying together .. no way.

 

So anyway, welcome :cake::cake:

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1 hour ago, And all shall be well said:

 I just don’t get it...

I have been where you are twice (I'm 36). My heart goes out to you. I have some idea of the pain involved, and it's world-shattering. My exes are all happily married to other people (or were last I checked). Two have kids, I think. It tore me apart every time.

 

That said, I encourage you to pat yourself on the back for reaching and acknowledging the truth about yourself. Understanding that you "don't get it" is a huge step. It is a mark of great wisdom and understanding to, as Donald Rumsfeld put it, "Know what you don't know." 

 

As for your partner: in his own way, he's lost, too. Sex is a murky place for heterosexuals, a largely subconscious force that blows through their psyche like a hurricane in the night. They often don't understand their own drives and desires, not fully. That's why society has divorce lawyers, risky one-night stands, sexual assaults, and a whole host of laws and protections to restrain and guide heterosexuals in the area of sex when they have trouble guiding themselves. 

 

But I digress. Take care of yourself, and try not to figure it all out at once. Finding out about your own sexual identity/orientation is a big deal, and you will probably be uncovering layers of the onion for some time to come.

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I say. simply to those.

Jackoff in the sink, then we can go back to Netflix.

They don't like it, they will be on Tinder jackoffing off in the sink alone.

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And all shall be well

Thanks for the replies and reassurance. It's been interested chatting to my "ex"...I guess he's gradually becoming more and more my ex even though we still deeply love each other and don't want each other out of our lives. I had a good conversation with him yesterday, and it was interesting to hear how sexual intimacy really is important and vital for a lot of people, and I respect that. I just feel so naive. I can't believe at the ripe old age of 34 I've only just twigged that I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and people really do look at each other and think of sex. I look at others and can feel attracted to them... but I don't want my genitals involved! I'd love to just get to know them, to hold each other, go for nice walks, watch Netflix etc!

 

Thanks again for the words of wisdon.

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