Growing Up; Losing Neutrality

[oscark]

When I was 14, I had ties to femininity and I loved it. But it's fleeting, and as I get older, and older, I'm no longer boyish, and I'm no longer feminine. And when I'm 25, I'll be a man, and nothing else. I don't want to be a man. What I'm saying is: the Greeks only had sex with boys up until they turned 17. Because they were no longer like girls were.

 

I haven't even thought about it until now. I liked feeling androgynous, but I can't feel that way anymore. And now I don't know where I am.

I feel like I'm losing something very important to me. I'm losing something I was very happy with, and proud of. I've wanted to cross-dress, and put on make-up, but I was too ashamed to ever really try, and now I can't anymore. Because I'm just a man. I've wasted my golden years. My femininity is dead. A part of me feels like I might as well be dead with it.

 

is this relatable? is it common? at all justified? How do you address this?

I don't know what to tell you to make you understand, so I'll answer any questions if it helps.

 

thank you.

[Andiamo]

Hello and welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you decided to join, and thank you for sharing.

 

I'm not sure how much I can help, but I can relate to some of what you said. I, too, am far more comfortable appearing androgynous. As I got a bit older, especially in high school, I began to force myself to present more feminine. My mom encouraged it, and I felt like I had to, no matter how much it felt completely wrong. I didn't let myself think about how I felt, or how I wanted to look, until college. Now I try to present more androgynously, and it makes me far more comfortable.

 

How you feel is okay. There's nothing wrong with it. It is completely legitimate, and you are not alone in feeling that way. It's different for everyone, but what helped me was letting myself understand what it was I wanted, without judging it or shutting it down. Writing helped, and eventually talking to friends. It can be really scary, that's for sure. I know now that I'm nonbinary, and I'm out about it at college. And I don't want to give the impression that all of my problems in this area were solved so easily. It feels like a never-ending struggle. You may be trans, you may be nonbinary, you may be a cis guy for whom femininity is important, you could be something else entirely. I can't give you the answer, if there even is a solid answer. Regardless, it's okay to be you, and it's okay to feel that way. In the end, whatever identity (or lack thereof) feels most right to you is what matters.

 

Does any of this help at all? I'm sorry if it doesn't. I'm sure other people will be able to help you more than I can. Anyway, if you have any questions for me or anything, I'll help if I can. If you're looking for friends or want to talk about anything more privately, feel free to PM me! I wish you luck, and enjoy the forums! 

[oscark]

I feel like I can't be what I want anymore. I'm masculine now; I'm a man. There's no leeway here anymore, you know? Culturally, physically. A good friend told me to embrace my masculinity. What if the only thing I can do is try to embrace it? That's the idea that's scaring me so much.

If I wore what I wanted, I couldn't bear to look in the mirror. I'll never be what I want.

 

And you know, I don't even know anything. I don't know shit, because I've never thought about it. All my life, I've just thought, "Boy, I sure like feeling feminine," and it's never gone beyond that, so seriously, what do I know about anything on this topic? I don't know what I want -- if I want to be a girl or androgynous, somewhere in between, or like you said, just an effeminate cis guy.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks last night -- "I'm a man," and it scared me out of my mind and made me want to die. so I came here looking for insight because I had nowhere else to ask.

 

But, you have helped. It's very soothing; you seem kind.

It seemed masturbatory, rude even, to create an account to make a post like this (and then repost it after putting in the wrong area -- god), so thank you. Thank you for being nice. And it actually kind of is those things I said, so I'm sorry about that.

thank you for welcoming me, and I'll try to be around. thank you.