-Lex- Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 So I'm agender and I'm coming out to my mom tonight. I'm married, in college, and live over an hour away. She's coming to visit tonight. *deleted* I feel like this is the perfect time and place to come out: I'll be in my own house, with my husband there. I won't have to be around her or talk to her for the next few days, so she won't be able to constantly gaslight and guilt trip me. I know it would probably be safer to just not come out, but she won't stop pressuring me to be feminine and buying me increasingly feminine clothes and yelling at me when I don't wear them. It has to happen eventually. So do you have any advice? It's a risky situation and I'll take all the help I can get. Link to post Share on other sites
999papercranes Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I don't have any advice for you because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I do wish you luck and a hug for courage if you need it! You're very brave to come out to her even knowing her reaction might not be what you want it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
-Lex- Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 Just now, 999papercranes said: I don't have any advice for you because I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I do wish you luck and a hug for courage if you need it! You're very brave to come out to her even knowing her reaction might not be what you want it to be. Aw, thank you. I really appreciate that. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I know exactly what you're going through; it's the reason why I haven't come out to my parents: I know they'll invalidate my thoughts and feelings, again, saying that something is wrong with me and refusing to understand where I'm coming from because that's how they've always been, with their emotional roller coaster behavior. It's so frustrating and difficult to grow up with parents who mostly aren't emotionally stable or rational, almost always emotionally upset and liking to rant about everything; don't take responsibility for their behavior; take it out on their children; and, during their wild episodes, refuse to see or believe that their abuse is harmful or wrong when others try to point it out to them or beg them to stop being that way. Do you have to come out to your mother? Since this seems to be a topic your mother always disagrees with (you mentioned that you already tried explaining how you felt about the clothes she wanted you to wear, and she refused to listen), would it be possible to just say to her, "I'm an adult, now, and can make my own clothing choices," without outing yourself? I'm just trying to think of a way that might avoid you being emotionally hurt and verbally abused by your mother, again, who, from the sound of it, seems like she'll, once again, still argue; become confrontational; upset; and ignore your feelings, if you, try to talk to her about gender and your clothing choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Mychemicalqpr Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 You don't owe anyone a justification for not wearing feminine clothing. It shouldn't matter what your gender identity is. Honestly, I don't know if telling her you're agender is going to stop her if she doesn't care how you feel anyway. I'd caution you against coming out because you feel like you have to, if that's the only reason. It should be something you do if you want to and if you feel safe to. If you decide you want to, be prepared the possibility that she won't take it well. Maybe try to gauge whether she's in a bad mental state and wait until another time if she is. When it comes to mentally ill parents, timing can make quite a difference in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Lana Overland Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Just be there for her even if this doesn't go well okay? Obviously take care of yourself in this situation, but if it doesn't go well reach out to her if she needs it, show that you're still her kid. Good luck, I'm glad you have a good environment/support to go back on if you need it. Link to post Share on other sites
-Lex- Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 I’m hoping telling her I’m agender will stop the constant arguments and berating. I’m terrified of telling her, but I just feel like I don’t have a choice. I just spent 4 days with my parents over fall break and when I was finally able to escape and go home, I was almost suicidal. I don’t know how things could get any worse with her. I’m just hoping telling her will make it better. It might be a hopeless case, I don’t know. I just feel like I have to do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Semiterrestrial Scientist Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 You need to confront the possibility that coming out might make it worse. I know I’m kinda being a pessimist here and I dont want to discourage you from coming out but your mother might not understand where your coming from. I agree that it would be better to talk to her in your own home. That way you will be in your own territory when you tell her. But understand that if she doesn’t accept you, you need to be happy with yourself and her not accepting a wonderful person like you should not drag you down in any way. Good luck🍀 Link to post Share on other sites
Mychemicalqpr Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 2 minutes ago, Lana Overland said: Just be there for her even if this doesn't go well okay? Obviously take care of yourself in this situation, but if it doesn't go well reach out to her if she needs it, show that you're still her kid. Good luck, I'm glad you have a good environment/support to go back on if you need it. I think you meant well with this, but I don't think anyone is obligated to go out of their way to comfort someone who is abusive, or to still think of themself as their kid. 2 minutes ago, AceAlexa said: I’m hoping telling her I’m agender will stop the constant arguments and berating. I’m terrified of telling her, but I just feel like I don’t have a choice. I just spent 4 days with my parents over fall break and when I was finally able to escape and go home, I was almost suicidal. I don’t know how things could get any worse with her. I’m just hoping telling her will make it better. It might be a hopeless case, I don’t know. I just feel like I have to do something. Ok, this is pretty worrying. If she's making you feel that bad, and you feel like you don't have choices, you should be doing everything you can to distance yourself from her. Are you seeing a therapist? If not, I would recommend it; if so, this is something you should discuss with them. It doesn't sound like you're coming from a healthy and clear head right now. That's not a good place to make this decision, and it might make it a lot harder for you to take if things don't go over well. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Well, I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but I'm sure she will accept you. You clearly care about this and it would be silly of her not to at least try to understand where your coming from. If things go bad don't blame her. She probably just doesn't understand where your coming from, so just try to explain it from a new perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
-Lex- Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 @SorcerousJigglypuff Honestly you’re probably right. I have been making some risky/harmful decisions lately... I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
-Lex- Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 5 minutes ago, Lichley said: Well, I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but if she's interested in learning more and understanding then you might want to show her this. http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/ Wow, that’s a great article. I’ll have to save that. Thanks for sharing. You don’t happen to have one of those for agender, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 1 hour ago, AceAlexa said: I’m hoping telling her I’m agender will stop the constant arguments and berating. I’m terrified of telling her, but I just feel like I don’t have a choice. I just spent 4 days with my parents over fall break and when I was finally able to escape and go home, I was almost suicidal. I don’t know how things could get any worse with her. I’m just hoping telling her will make it better. It might be a hopeless case, I don’t know. I just feel like I have to do something. That's why I had to stop discussing all of my thoughts and feelings with my parents; I had to, for my mental health. Plus, doing that has stopped my parents' "arguments and berating." For a while, it hurt, but now, I'm feeling a lot better. Being surrounded by my emotionally stable, supportive, and happy teachers; friends; their parents; and reading therapists' articles about how adult children should deal with having narcissistic parents with abusive behavior has helped me. Therapists have mentioned that there's nothing children with narcissistic parents can do to "fix" their parents, especially ones with personality disorders like bipolar disorder: it's up to the parents to want to change, but if they refuse to or don't want to, there's nothing their child can do, and it's not the child's responsibility to try to "fix" their parents who emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abuse them; many children have tried to, growing up, but it still didn't help the parents change or realize that they're hurting their child. The child doesn't have the power to fix their parents' emotional disorder(s) because that type of mental illness can't be cured by pleading, trying to educate them, or show scientific studies when they refuse to listen or empathize. Link to post Share on other sites
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