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Spades&Hearts

Relationships? Fear of Being Forever Alone?

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Spades&Hearts

Hey there! Just been thinking.... a bit too much perhaps. Anyway, do any other asexuals feel as if they will never find someone who will love them unconditionally? I just feel like because I am not interested in doing anything sexually (I'm very repulsed by the thought actually) that know one else will ever truly want to be with me. I know there are other asexual people out there too and those are the people I probably need to meet in life, but I just don't feel like I'll ever find that person who also feels the same as I do. I feel like people wouldn't want to be with me because I can't give them everything. Like I feel that it would be okay for awhile, but eventually I feel like they would want sex. Sex just seems like it is such a fundamental and "normal" element to human life and I can't provide that. At the same time though, the fear of being alone forever and never having someone to just be there for me cripples me. It literally makes me want to curl up in a ball and fear for my future of loneliness. Anyone else? I've read a lot of other asexuals feeling this way, but I don't know. I just think about it a lot, especially as other people around me form more intimate relationships. 

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Goldenheart13

I know how you feel. I feel this way all the time.

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Pamalla-Shay

I understand that feeling. I am not repulsed by sex but I don't think it's a thing I would ever do (not fully sure). but I have excepted the fact that I will be forever alone. I am 18 now and have never had a date, no one seems to like me in that way. can people just sense I am ace? (it's not like I haven't had people hit on me because I have had plenty of guys hit on me, but they have only ever talked about how they want to have sex with me). I am mostly okay with being forever alone, but I do want that intimacy and happiness people seem to get from being with someone. I have never felt that myself, and to be honest I don't think I deserve it. but it is not a big deal I bet if i ever did get in a relationship it wouldn't last because I am ace.

 

sorry that was kind of depressing   

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Syrthia

This is accurate. I feel like I want a relationship but the problem is I think I might be aromantic. I don’t feel either sexual or romantic attraction. I understand how you feel. Sex is really important to some people and even if they are perfect in all other ways they will still never be happy with you. I hope you find someone who will love you and be content with who you are.

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kei_

I know this feeling. I'm hoping meetings and websites with higher concentrations of aces, or just people looking for "nontraditional" relationships in general will counterbalance our rarity in other places.

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Spades&Hearts

I feel like I relate a lot to the things you are all saying. I appreciate your thoughts even if they might be kinda depressing unfortunately. I just struggle to accept myself for who I am. Even when I feel moderately fine for awhile, I always end up seeing people happily together and it just hits me like a bucket of ice water to the face that I don't think I can have/feel that. Syrthia - I've been struggling a lot lately (A LOT) with my romantic orientation and one of my possibilities is aromanticism. Honestly, if I am aromantic that scares me that I might not be able to feel any romantic attraction that I see other people having. I think I could be demiromantic though, however, I'm not sure I will ever truly know because it is so hard for me to trust people on that level. The two people I trust the most in the world outside of my biological family could never feel that way for me because one is a straight female and the other is a gay male. I value my platonic relationships so deeply and on such an emotional level. I don't think it would be easy for me to find that kind of trust again so I'm not sure I'll ever know if I'm demiromantic or not. Pamalla-Shay - a lot of what you said really connected with me. I'm only 19 so we're pretty much the same age. I do fear loneliness and I'm not okay with it, but I really want that closeness and intimacy with someone else. No one has ever truly asked me out on a date. Not a single time in high school. I was on tinder for awhile (turns out that was NOT a good idea for an ace like myself) and a lot of the comments that guys, and some girls, would turn me off and make me really uncomfortable rather than making me feel anything romantic. I went on one date from there and I found that the guy pretty much just wanted to get in my pants that night. He didn't seem really that interested in who I was or what my plans in life were. Just an easy and quick lay is what he was looking for. I also believe I'm not worthy of love in life and that people would likely leave me because I'm ace. Sorry for the long post but I hope you guys read this and thanks for your thoughts. :blush:

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Pamalla-Shay

no problem, but I don't think you should give up on having a relationship. I mean realistically someone in this world has to love you for who you are. it is just math. really don't give up I know how hard it can be to trust someone, I have trust issues. but they way I have seen people when they are in a good relationship, that feeling has to be worth all the pain.

 

personally I have given up (and regret that a bit, I am not aromatic), part of it is because I am ace. also people tend not to like my personality, they always find someone better. I am over all of that, I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy (well I try to think that way). It would be nice to have someone, but guys are pigs (no offence to any guys on this but in person I haven't met a truly good guy) most strait males from what I have seen they just want sex. and that is the only attention from guys I have gotten is them just wanting to do me, and if they didn't they were just my friends. 

 

sorry that I am not being to helpful I am trying to be positive but it is hard for an ace person to have a relationship with a non ace person, I believe it is possible just difficult. 

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JennaMarie

I actually made a post about this exact thing yesterday. I’m 25 and a lot of my friends are in serious relationships or getting married now so I’m really feeling it. It comes in waves for me and some months I’m okay and others it all feels so immediate and pressing. Luckily you’ve firgured things out a lot early than I did. I’ve had boyfriends that have been great and I’ve really cared about and had that companionship with. They never pressured me to have sex but I knew it was something they wanted and I couldn’t comfortably give to them so I always ended it because they deserve to be who they are as well. Hopefully you and I and everyone here (who wants that) can find a relationship without feeling that guilt or pressure. But

you’re 100% not alone. 

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oldgeeza

I'm 50, I've been single since 1991, at the time I knew I had no desire for sex, I didn't know that there were others like me so I just accepted that I am going to be single forever, it's never been an issue for me, I've never been successful in relationships, I've always been cheated on, so it wasn't something I thought about, my longest relationship lasted just 28 days, that was my last, now, because of the work I do, working long, unsociable hours with no guarantee of getting home from day to day, it would be unfair to think about a partner, the other thing, I don't think I've ever run into another asexual person in my lifetime, so chances of finding an asexual lady who would put up with my lifestyle is extremely unlikely 

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BlackDog

Reading the top post and this brought up a lot of feelings for me, feelings I didn't realize I had pushed down so hard:

 

On 10/24/2017 at 4:37 PM, Pamalla-Shay said:

I have excepted the fact that I will be forever alone...

I'm not only new here at AVEN, I am also fairly new to confronting my own asexuality (I'm 36).

 

That said, I am NOT new to the feeling that I am doomed to be alone. I have had that feeling one way or another since I was 12. I didn't know I was asexual, but I knew I wasn't involved in the same "dance" as the other preteens, and I found their almost total preoccupation with sex bewildering and irritating. I felt really marginalized. I have felt I had to accept the inevitability of being alone several times in my life.


Let me share how I am coming to see relationships now after some experience trying to fit in "straight" and also having explored my asexuality a bit now: 

 

I do not believe deep down I or any of us is doomed to loneliness by our asexuality. For hetero people in a healthy relationship, sex serves as a way to connect deeply with a loved one. It makes them feel appreciated and satisfied in a primal way. (Disclaimer: sex has never felt that way for me, but I have it on good authority.) The point is, when it comes to emotional love and relationships, sex is just a means to an end

 

As an ace, I can find ways of reaching the same end, even if I cannot give my partner sex (or enjoy doing so). I believe I have the ability to make, in my case, a woman feel attractive, needed, wanted, special, supported, heard, safe ... all the little gestures that communicate respect and admiration. I know I can receive those same expressions of love, if I am open and honest. 

 

But my experience has been that what I really have to offer will only be fully appreciated by someone like me sexually. A straight woman will almost certainly be disappointed sooner or later with what I cannot provide.

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Happy giraffe
On 10/25/2017 at 11:57 AM, oldgeeza said:

... because of the work I do, working long, unsociable hours with no guarantee of getting home from day to day, it would be unfair to think about a partner, the other thing, I don't think I've ever run into another asexual person in my lifetime, so chances of finding an asexual lady who would put up with my lifestyle is extremely unlikely 

don't give up hope.  You said words I must have said just the other day.  The other day when I didn't even know I had a label (I'm new to knowing that Ace was a thing!)

I'm also a workaholic and work late into every night and was thinking that I couldn't do that to another person (I have recently separated from my husband).  

And apparently asexuality is 1-1.5% of the population so... they are out there even if they don't know it.  I wouldn't have known it had I not stumbled on the term.  I just thought I had a low libido and that it was normal and that books and movies were just exaggerating the amazingness of sex.  

When married and living together I hung onto our relationship thinking "it's as good as it gets" and it was my workaholic nature and my lack of being able to match my husband's needs that was the straw that broke the camel's back.  

 

Anyway everyone here just sounds pretty amazing and I'm sure we'll all meet the right person if we try.  I'm only newly single so happy to spend some 'me and dogs' time but if I do want to jump back into finding my special someone you all sound like you could be fantastic company and partner for the right person!

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DaisyH

I get what you mean, i've only recently started to accept I might be ace in my head and some days i'm completely okay with that, and other days I get really stressed that i'll be unable to carry a relationship with someone. I get the worry that people might leave you, but i'm hoping with the right communication straight on it just won't matter? Like there are so many ways of being emotionally and romantically connected to someone outside of sex.

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Grinchmer

I don't believe in unconditional love, especially not in the context of romantic relationships.

 

The vast majority of people will die alone anyway (read: With nobody close around them when the time comes), no matter what orientation they have or don't have. In a way, a difference in sexuality is just like any other "flaw" people deal with in relationships. They manage to cope for a while until they decide that they're done and move on. This isn't a specific asexual folks' issue and sexuals deal with the same question all the time.

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Just like Jughead

I don’t catch feels, so I really don’t think about and obsess over any kind of fear of being alone. And that’s not even truth anyway. Everyone has people in their life. How the hell is anyone alone? You’d have to live in isolation in order to be alone. 

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LucindaC
On 10/25/2017 at 0:10 AM, Spades&Hearts said:

the fear of being alone forever and never having someone to just be there for me cripples me. It literally makes me want to curl up in a ball and fear for my future of loneliness. Anyone else? I've read a lot of other asexuals feeling this way, but I don't know. I just think about it a lot, especially as other people around me form more intimate relationships. 

Yup, this is exactly where I am at. Everyone else I know is either getting married, buying houses together and having children. It's more than feeling left behind, it's a feeling of being unwanted, unlovable and therefore worthless.

I develop very strong romantic attachments, and *I hope* I'm a nice person with a lot to offer, but the no-sex thing is a deal breaker and having formed a few relationships in the past, I'm not sure I've got the energy to go through the hurt again. It is SO depressing to realise, that over the long term, I'm going to die old and alone in a house full of cats, because nobody in their right mind would have me.

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Happy giraffe
14 hours ago, LucindaC said:

Yup, this is exactly where I am at. Everyone else I know is either getting married, buying houses together and having children. It's more than feeling left behind, it's a feeling of being unwanted, unlovable and therefore worthless.

I develop very strong romantic attachments, and *I hope* I'm a nice person with a lot to offer, but the no-sex thing is a deal breaker and having formed a few relationships in the past, I'm not sure I've got the energy to go through the hurt again. It is SO depressing to realise, that over the long term, I'm going to die old and alone in a house full of cats, because nobody in their right mind would have me.

Just wanted to give both @LucindaC and @Spades&Hearts a huge virtual hug!!  And baking and giving some :cake:.

 

You may just have to keep looking.  Hopefully another Ace or someone who loves you enough to work out something.

 

Having just come off a long marriage I'm enjoying being independent and alone and really enjoying my super supportive network of friends.  (I haven't come out but they are supportive of the marriage breakdown).  

 

Do you think if you were more open about your asexuality when dating that you may be able to find someone?  I'm currently not sure what I will do in the future if I want someone around or not but I'm definitely open to it.  Just not right now.  

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InariYana

Too many people measure their worth in relation to other people. What level of attention and interest they're getting, do people want them to be around or not, how do they compare in relation to others. We may be wired this way, but it's a massive source of unhappiness and misery, this kind of me vs others view.

I even heard people say "how can I love myself if nobody wants me" and this is very sad. 

 

This "finding someone" seems sometimes like catching Pokemon - yeah, I got you now... now here come the rules. I don't really believe in unconditional romantic love or at least I think it is very rare. You either provide something they want or they move on. All done very subtly, within a lovey-dovey context, and one day people find out "I'm not myself any more, how could I change so much". 

The saddest ever stories I've heard were stories of couples who at some point became parents of a disabled child. Perfect couples, it seemed, but suddenly one of the parents decides that it is all "too much" for them and leaves for pastures new. Unconditional love goes out of the window, towards their spouse, towards their child... I think in romantic relationships many people, unconsciously, keep balance sheets - pros vs cons. It's about meeting expectations, fitting into an image of yourself your partner holds in his or her mind. Even at the very beginning we say "oh my future partner must be... " or can't be, or I won't accept this or that - if it's not conditional all the way through, I'll eat my winter hat with mayo for today's dinner ;)           

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LucindaC
5 hours ago, Happy giraffe said:

Do you think if you were more open about your asexuality when dating that you may be able to find someone? 

No I don't. 

I am deliberately not open about my asexuality. My family wouldn't understand it at all. I get the entire list of "Things Asexuals hate to hear" even without being open about it, and at work, the only other person who is openly asexual is mercilessly bullied and ridiculed behind her back. I've been bullied/abused enough in my life I don't need anymore. I am currently torn between half of me not wanting to be alone FOREVER, and the other half telling me that people in general aren't worth the effort.

It leaves me in a very confused place...

 

But: thank you for the hugs and cake, they make everything better :D

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adam1978
On 25/10/2017 at 3:54 AM, BlackDog said:

But my experience has been that what I really have to offer will only be fully appreciated by someone like me sexually. A straight woman will almost certainly be disappointed sooner or later with what I cannot provide.

This is the thing for me too. I like the idea of just having a normal relationship, but it isn't really fair to expect any woman to put up with mediocre or non-existent sex. People have needs, after all. Realistically I think I would need to find another asexual person if I were ever going to have a chance of making a relationship work.

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finicky feminist

I m not a sex repulsed ace. I actually want to have sex for romantic reasons but even then I have never dated and even then I share this fear. Its just something with my personality.  Like so many people have told me that I have "ace vibes" even though I act pretty as normal as any other person.  (I m 19 btw) but for some reason I feel so....alienated. I dont even identify as an ace openly and neither do I intend to be in a sexless relationship.  But even then something something makes me isolated. ...and fear that I will always be single. 

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anlin
19 hours ago, LucindaC said:

Yup, this is exactly where I am at. Everyone else I know is either getting married, buying houses together and having children. It's more than feeling left behind, it's a feeling of being unwanted, unlovable and therefore worthless.

 

Definitely me. I'm 30 years old, tried to be in a relationship seven years ago (it lasted a little over a month) and have always lived alone, since I moved away from my parents. After 10 years of living alone I love it. My home is mine, I do whatever I want and I can't really imagine living with anyone in the future either. So concerning that I'm quite happy, at least on the surface. Because a part of the reason for me not being able to imagine living with anyone is that I don't think that anyone ever would want to live with me. And the reason for that is that I'm asexual. I have absolutely no interest in sex and will never do it, I don't think I could do it just to please a partner either. I would have to fin another asexual but that seems difficult, like so many of you have written.

And the feeling of being left behind... It's like society is telling me that there is something wrong with me for not being in a relationship and having children now that I'm 30 years old. My family and friends know that I don't want children, but they don't know the whole truth about why. I have only told one friend that I'm asexual, and even though no one else knows I still feel like I have to stand up for how I live all the time. It might just be me imagining things, but that is how the very sexualised world we live in affects me. 

 

 

On 2017-10-25 at 1:10 AM, Spades&Hearts said:

I just feel like because I am not interested in doing anything sexually (I'm very repulsed by the thought actually) that know one else will ever truly want to be with me. I know there are other asexual people out there too and those are the people I probably need to meet in life, but I just don't feel like I'll ever find that person who also feels the same as I do. I feel like people wouldn't want to be with me because I can't give them everything. Like I feel that it would be okay for awhile, but eventually I feel like they would want sex. Sex just seems like it is such a fundamental and "normal" element to human life and I can't provide that

This is the reason why I never even try to get to know people that I feel romantically interested in, because like you feel that people wouldn't want to be with me if they knew that I can't give them everything. I don't even want to have that ok relationship for a while because it would hurt too much when it had to end - because I'm asexual. My feelings of sadness for living alone have become much better though, an I hope they will for you too, Spades&Hearts. If you don't find someone, I hope you will find a way of living alone that you will enjoy, even if it takes time to get used to.

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NotPhoebe

I do personally fear being alone forever for the same reasons. I really do not have much of a problem bonding with people in a emotional sense. I've had the opportunity to be in a fair amount of relationships, but the problem for me was always the expectation of physical intimacy. I still face this problem even currently with a girl that I have been seeing. Though she doesn't force or guilt me into this form of intimacy (which is what I am used to from past experiences) I know that eventually with her being a sexual person she will want to form that sort of bond with me. This has always been the beginning of the end for all attempts at relationships for me, because I simply do not want to have sex. I know that many people within the Ace community do often still engage in sexual activity to please their partners, but through trial and error I have learned that I am not able to do this. Through this I land in rut, wondering if I will forever be alone, or if I will ever meet someone that is able to be with me without having a sexual aspect to the relationship. I am comfortable alone, but I do acknowledge that I would very much like to experience having a partner on a deeper level than just friendship, unfortunately for most people they cannot comprehend a deeper relationship than friendship without sex. 

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Spades&Hearts
On 11/5/2017 at 2:40 AM, Happy giraffe said:

Just wanted to give both @LucindaC and @Spades&Hearts a huge virtual hug!!  And baking and giving some :cake:.

 

You may just have to keep looking.  Hopefully another Ace or someone who loves you enough to work out something.

 

Having just come off a long marriage I'm enjoying being independent and alone and really enjoying my super supportive network of friends.  (I haven't come out but they are supportive of the marriage breakdown).  

 

Do you think if you were more open about your asexuality when dating that you may be able to find someone?  I'm currently not sure what I will do in the future if I want someone around or not but I'm definitely open to it.  Just not right now.  

I appreciate the virtual hug! I could use that lately. I recently just re-joined Tinder again, which I'm still really not sure if that's the best way to try dating for a demiromantic/demisexual asexual like myself. This time, however, I did say in my bio that I am demisexual and asexual. I thought that way at least, people would know who I am and if they were not open to that they could simply swipe left. I definitely need a lot of trust in the relationship so dating apps might not be the best, but I also want to try and find someone. I'm more open about who I am on there now. I'm tired of people not knowing who I am and so now, if I were to date anyone, I would start off with telling them about my own sexuality. 

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miettaisace

i love being alone.

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Klassien

I hardcore relate, with feeling like I'll never find love because of who I am. I used to always daydream about one day coming home and living with the one who I love unconditionally; we'd go see places, meet people, and enjoy whatever life has to offer together--memories that can be experienced and shared together. I have come to accept the fact that because I can't give something I don't have the feelings to give, I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Had to stop the daydreams and false hope.

I believe unconditional love can exist, but an unconditional love equilibrium is extremely rare and cannot be seen from an outsiders POV. 

 

I wonder if people who aren't ace can see that asexuals can love someone just as much as any other relationship.

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LucindaC
37 minutes ago, Only Afloat said:

I wonder if people who aren't ace can see that asexuals can love someone just as much as any other relationship.

They probably could, but do they want to sacrifice a sex life for it? Because that seems to be the most common deal-breaker.

At present I have precisely zero hope of ever finding a life-partner so I'm trying to re-learn how to have friends and love myself for who I am (coz I'm an amazing individual, as are we all).

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Laplace

Due to my experiences, I’m already a rather distrustful person. I don’t know if parental divorce reinforced my ace-ness and likely aromanticism (that’s the right noun, right? 🧐), but I’m very skeptical of the idea that I’ll somehow find someone someday. I know people say it’s bad to put yourself down, but I’m definitely not the most cuddly, approachable guy so I never suspect that anyone likes me until someone says something or I think realllllllly hard 😓 and realize it in retrospect. As a 23 y.o. with zero sexual or romantic experience, it looks like I probably am aromantic. Even if I was romantic, it’s ridiculously difficult to just get me to realize that someone likes me in the first place. 🤔

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nicsw

Tell me about it, if my life were a movie "Forever Alone" would be the title!

I'm currently going through my very predictable it's-that-time-of-the-year seasonal depression about growing old and dying alone. Well, not alone, because I have my family and let's be real a house full of cats. But you know dying without having a "person". The majority of my friends are married and starting their families and both my best friends got married this year - imagine being the maid of honor for TWO weddings in a year and every single person asking why I'm not with anyone. I'm 33, I've never been in a relationship and it goes without saying here that I'm definitely not a fan of the idea of having sex at all. And honestly, that's the problem isn't it, sex? I've had people interested in me (I say people because I suppose I'm a panromantic lol I had to look that up) - but I just never go there because I know eventually, they'd want to have a physical relationship with me and I just never let it get to that point. Add to the fact that the idea of asexuality where I'm from is a foreign concept and it's just a perfect storm to my loneliness.

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anlin

@nicsw I'm right where you are, nicsw.... I haven't been maid of honor but other than that you could have described me. I don't know how much encouragement I can come up with, because I often feel rather sad about it myself, but it has its good sides too. I went on a great vacation all by myself this summer. I did whatever I wanted and enjoyed myself more than I thought before I went. I think we need to find things that we like and fill our lives with them. And let ourselves us be sad from time to time without being too hard onourselves.

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ejq1978

It really is difficult when you're a very romantic person, and crave that feeling of being with someone - but never having that feeling last because you don't want sex.  It feels almost like an addiction.  You find someone, start sharing memories, moments, laughs - it's the greatest high.... then they leave because you don't want sex - and the pain is crippling.  Over and over this happens - until you are left with a very difficult question - is the high still worth the inevitable low?

 

For a long time, my answer was no.  It was easier for me to drift through life wanting, but numb enough to keep people out.  Eventually though - something happens in life that makes you think of all the times you might be missing out on, and the craving comes back. But now the question is - did I miss my chance?

 

No matter how alone I feel.  No matter how loud the logic centers in my brain tell me - "You're a lost cause".  I still maintained the hope that I will find someone that understands.  My "second half" that understands that "Netflix and Chill" for me doesn't mean sex - it literally means I want you near me while we binge watch Stranger Things (again).  The planning of activities for two.  The vacations.  The arguments, bottles of wine, waking up together, loving them for certain quirks and secretly loathing others.... everything that comes in a close emotional connection and love with another person - without the sex.

 

I have that hope, and reading through the forums here - even the depressing ones that hit so close to home I choke back tears - makes me realize that I'm not alone.  And because I'm not alone, and that other people share the same fears I have in this sense - we all have hope.  It may be more difficult for us - but when it happens, it will be GLORIOUS!

(That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)

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