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Confused: Demisexual or Depressed? Sexually Averse because of self or society?


Fifi.not.Polly

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Fifi.not.Polly

Hi Aven-folk,

 

Thanks for creating and maintaining this safe space for people to learn more about themselves and others :)

 

I'm 26 years old and have been depressed ever since I was 12, was emotionally abused until I was 22 and have had a sum total of two romantic relationships as of today. I am a virgin.

 

I didn't give too much thought to my (lack of ?) sexual activity until very recently, because I have made friends who can't seem to stop talking about it. I assumed there was just too much going on in my life for me to think about sex. 

 

When my friends say they miss hot, steaming sex, I find that I can contribute very little to the conversation - I kind of miss having a romantic partner sometimes, I miss kissing, hugging and just having someone I love very much with me, but I've never initiated nor wanted to go beyond going shirtless. I come from a society where sex and talking about sex is taboo, and I've had a history of body shaming, but I'm pretty certain I didn't want things to progress because I was very shy, uncertain and mostly did not want to see any genitalia.

 

Still, I'm not certain if I don't miss sex because I've never had it or whether I don't want to. I am completely indifferent towards whether or not I lose my virginity. In fact, to test whether more sexual encounters could help, I have tried online dating, meeting people and even tried to hook up with a random person but I just couldn't bring myself to have sex because I wasn't attracted to the person. I definitely enjoyed some portion of the experience of being with that person because they were kind, thoughtful and patient. I wouldn't repeat it though.

 

Thanks to Aven, I read up on Demisexuality and I find that I connect very much with the term. However, I am unable to identify whether this is a result of anxiety and depression (which has lasted all my sexual life), in which case therapy may help me continue looking for myself, or whether this is just me.

 

Second, considering that I was raised in a sex-averse atmosphere, I am unsure if I am inherently sexually averse, or whether this is a result of prolonged societal pressure.

 

Can anyone help me think through this? I see a therapist and it would be useful to find some questions that can help me think through my questions, if that makes sense.

 

Also, I have experienced sexual attraction (as it is defined by wanting to have sex with someone) only once. I have experienced the desire to touch and kiss someone multiple times, but always after I've known them well and established them as 'safe'. 

 

Any response would be appreciated! Thanks for reading this!

 

 

 

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I would say you are very probably asexual. I was similar in having had enough sex-related trauma when I was young for that to be good reason to be sex averse. But I desperately tried to ignore my lack of desire for sex by pretending, and even wanting to want sex. For me anyway the overwhelming societal pressure was to be sexual. I believed that I was experiencing sexual desire too .. I was even fooling myself with that ... self-suggestion is a powerful tool .. I was probably between aesthetically fixated and grey.

You seem to be luckier in some ways .. you've come to terms with not wanting sex much earlier than me. I was in denial and messed up a lot of relationships. It took me many years to accept that this was me .. and then I found a wonderful support community here that I belong to.

 

If you're in therapy I'd check the therapist sees asexuality as valid before you even start .. mine didn't, and sent me off for ridiculous medical checks which were a waste of time.:D

 

Hey .. welcome btw  :cake::cake:

 

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Hello, 

 

I myself have been questioning whether I'm asexual and the links between mental issues like depression. I think it is very possible that you are asexual however like @banoffeepie suggested I would talk to your therapist about it. They won't be able to give you a straight yes or no but might be able to give you more food for thought to help you make a decision.

 

As to the wanting/not wanting to have sex, I felt like I 'must' want it as I would get aroused but when it came down to it I had no interest or satisfaction for it.  I actually feel that I am attracted to the romantic idea of being intimate with someone but not the act. 

 

Hope some of this helps. 

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