concerned about what i am and what to do (TMI/NSFW ish)

[Ooo]

ok so i know you arent supposed to tell people what they are. but to be honest a nice convenient label would help clarify some things and make explaining myself a lot easier to people 

CONTENT WARNING: im gonna get a bit nsfw, talk about like... porn and stuff?

 

im 20, a girl, never been in a relationship, never had sex, never been kissed. 

from what ive read and stuff i think im somewhere on the scale of either aromantic, asexual, or both. partially, i just want to know what other people think about how i feel because ive never really spoken to anyone about it. but there are also some questions i have re: relationships????

 

essentially (infodump):

when we were like 12 my friends had crushes and even 'dated' but i just thought that was kind of funny. i assumed that it was either a) because i was too young but also too cynically aware of how relationships at that age dont mean much, or b) i thought i was a pretty unattractive person, kind of spotty, kind of chubby. so i didnt allow myself to get into that 'liking people' mindset bcaus i was worried making an idiot of myself.

 

fast forward to being like 18. ive still not had a crush on anyone. my friends have started dating people and i find it really weird that its something that they want to do? like something they seek out and care about, you know? i have no interest or motivation to do that although i wanna see what the fuss is about. that said, i have watched porn. mostly guys. its pretty specific but i do sort of think that i am attracted to the occasional guy, even though it might be through a computer screen. i dont know many guys at all (only female friends) , and the ones i do meet i dont get on with that well anyways. ive never had a crush on a female friend. i assume im just fussy and havent met anyone worth it. also romance plotlines in stuff baffle me for what its worth.

i meet some more people and some nicer guys, and, 'for science', decide to try and develop a crush on one of them. so i choose a guy who's ok looking and kind of funny and i make myself think about him over a couple of days. aand i think i get a crush! i am always looking out for him, want him to like me a whole lot, and essentially turn stupid whenever he's around. i dont like it. plus hes having some chemistry with this other girl and i dont like the fact that these feelings are making me slightly jealous/resentful towards her, because thats stupid. i dont think about him for another couple of days, and poof! he is gone from my brain. i can barely remember what he looks like. idk if thats how normal crushes are, if you can just stop them? idk

 

every time i meet a guy who i think is potentially ok he's conveniently someone who i almost never see, like a friend of a friend of a friend who i met at a party. i dont think ive ever had a crush on someone i knew well. there is a guy now who i think i might have a bit of a crush on but i rarely see him and he has a gf so i just ignore it tbh. aaand i would never think about him sexually i dont think. sometimes i think i might have a slight crush on a girl but it never rlly is that deep idk. 

only when i got to college did i realise HOW out of the ordinary i seemed to be. everyone had done sex/romance stuff already, even people younger than me. and people assumed that everybody wanted to, as well. i dont feel embarrassed that i havent im just baffled by it all (and it makes never have i ever so boring for me). i cant see why i would want anyones tongue in my mouth or to specifically choose some mediocre person to lose my mind over. relationships seem so weird and irrational to me. i think i like being alone.

 

now im kind of at peace with these things but there are some issues:

1) im curious. i wanna try things, but i dont WANT to, you know? in my mind im curious, but in my body if im around people i dont wanna touch them. i think id have to do it in a really cold scientific way which sounds pretttyy terrible tbh and kind of against the point.

2) sometimes people get feelings for me. this just makes me really confused and stressed. a couple of times ive just explained i dont really like the idea of relationships and its ok. but im nervous about what would happen if i changed my mind . id feel like a liar. for this reason im also not rlly interested in calling myself aro/ace publicly. 

there is a guy who seems nice and i kind of want to like him, you know? he seems interested in me. my main concern is messing people around. people ask me how i feel and i say i dont know. i dont know what feelings feel like. i dont know if i know what attraction feels like. it sounds kind of dumb when i say it. one interaction i specifically remember included a lot of 'how do you feel' 'i dont know what feelings feel like' 'but how do you FEEL about ME???' etc, ad nauseum .

 

if i want to try things, date someone, get to know them better, see if my feelings change, should i explain how inexperienced i am and how i rarely experience these feelings? i feel like thatd be awkward :/ does anyone have any experience with this??

 

sorry this is so long WOW

 

[OldSoul]

Welcome to the forum.
I don't think it was too long at all, and really appreciate you sharing so much here.
Most of what you typed here is familiar to me, and what isn't is very common here on AVEN.
If I had to put a sort of early-guess label on you I would say aromantic asexual.
Your attractions seem limited to men, and never to women, and that could put you at "heteroromantic", but I think the only attractions you've had are because you think you SHOULD have them; because your friends do, and because it's so prevalent in media.
I want to make a SUPER IMPORTANT point: no one (and I mean NO ONE) is allowed to be mad at you for 'changing' your sexuality. If at some point later you develop a sexual or romantic crush, that's 100% normal. Sexuality is fluid, and labels should never be secured too tightly. You may be Demisexual, where people develop singular or few sexual attractions to people they really care about.
Some asexuals do enjoy porn. I am not in that boat whatsoever, but I know many here who are.

I can't tell you for sure where you fall, but you do surely sound on the spectrum somewhere, and we welcome you with open arms!
 

[roland.o]

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Ooo. Have some cake on me...  :-)

 

If you don't mind, I'm just gonna drop some of my thoughts, as I'm getting a bit too tired to come up with a well-written post in response :-)

 

From what you write, I'd say you might be aromantic and asexual. Or at least gray in both areas. If you've read some threads around here, or the terms of service, you know that we cannot and will not assign labels to you. It's up to you to figure out how you feel, and what you'd like to call it. We can only make suggestions.

 

37 minutes ago, Ooo said:

'for science', decide to try and develop a crush on one of them.

That part baffled me :-) In general, people have little over their crushes. The subconscious part of the brain starts to pump out some chemicals, triggered by another person, and the crush is there, affecting your body and the conscious part of the brain. But yes, it makes sense that you could reverse the reaction to some degree and entice the subconscious part of the brain by conscious thought to release the same chemicals. But probably at much lower doses. And because it doesn't happen unknowingly or even against your will, you didn't suffer from the more annoying aspects of crushes

 

44 minutes ago, Ooo said:

i think id have to do it in a really cold scientific way which sounds pretttyy terrible tbh and kind of against the point.

Well, what exactly is the point? You're curious and you want to feel good, don't you? While for many people, romance and touching and sex go together, and one might lead to the next, this isn't so for everybody. And apparently not for you. Have you heard about lushes, for example? That's the sensual, non-romantic, non-sexual version of a crush.

http://life-of-an-asexual.tumblr.com/post/102762643654/desires-for-relations-based-on-types-of-attraction

 

So, if you are curious, and if you find someone you think might be willing to go along, you could tell them: "Hey, I'd like to cuddle with you. I'm not in love, and I don't want to have sex, but I'd like to know how it feels to cuddle with you. How about it?"

Granted, it's not the most common thing, but not unheard of either. After all, there are plenty of people intent on having sex without love or romance, and some of them even lying to get it. You'd just be more honest about what you want and how far you're willing to go.

 

I hope this helps a bit. All the best to you!

[OldSoul]

A bit more...
If you want to know more about your romantic identity:
Push your boundaries! Do you enjoy holding hands and cuddling? Do you enjoy kissing?
I identified as biromantic for a very long time, but kissed enough people to find out I hated all romantic things universally.

With sexuality, there are a lot of more specific labels to look at and see how they fit, but if you read around here (especially other people's welcome lounge posts!) you'll see a lot of reoccurring themes. Often we feel different during childhood, we don't understand sex and/or romance on TV completely, we don't feel driven toward sex, some of us feel broken (at least at first!).
If you EVER need any one on one advice, I'm here for you. You can click on over to my profile and send me a private message. I'm always around to help.

[Ooo]

hey guys, thanks so much for answering, i really appreciate it. and thanks for the cake!! 

 

re: 'making myself get a crush for science':

haha yeah i guess i was worried at the time that it was some kind of anxiety or something holding me back from having feelings towards people. like i was still scared of having feelings for people so i was purposefully avoiding them. so i thought id try doing the opposite and see what happened? doesnt make a whole lot of sense and was very forced so doesnt mean a lot probably. i wasnt taking it too seriously either, it was sort of like a little in-joke i was having with myself. really surprise it even came to something even a tiny bit! it was sort of interesting tho.

 

1 hour ago, roland.o said:

Well, what exactly is the point? You're curious and you want to feel good, don't you? While for many people, romance and touching and sex go together, and one might lead to the next, this isn't so for everybody. And apparently not for you. Have you heard about lushes, for example? That's the sensual, non-romantic, non-sexual version of a crush.

yeah i guess i just want to see what all the fuss is about too, bcaus atm its incomprehensible to me!  i havent heard of that. might have a read.

 

 

1 hour ago, roland.o said:

So, if you are curious, and if you find someone you think might be willing to go along, you could tell them: "Hey, I'd like to cuddle with you. I'm not in love, and I don't want to have sex, but I'd like to know how it feels to cuddle with you. How about it?"

Granted, it's not the most common thing, but not unheard of either. After all, there are plenty of people intent on having sex without love or romance, and some of them even lying to get it. You'd just be more honest about what you want and how far you're willing to go.

this is sort of the core thing im worried about.. explaining myself. im stuck between feeling like i would need a bit of 'dutch courage' in order to try stuff (probably a bad idea) and feeling like i would need to have a big dmc with a person and explain myself. its so tiresome. people just expect you to know what to do in these situations and i dont!  

i dont even know what im getting at/asking any more, sorry haha

 

1 hour ago, OldSoul said:

 Do you enjoy holding hands and cuddling? Do you enjoy kissing?
I identified as biromantic for a very long time, but kissed enough people to find out I hated all romantic things universally.

bleh i really like my personal space. im sure theres no hard and fast rule to this but would an aversion to those things more generally be an aspect of being aromantic rather than asexual? hand holding/cuddling doesnt appeal a whole lot to me unless im just super cold haha. as for kissing ive never tried it! sounds weird to me.

if you dont mind my asking (and you dont have to answer if you dont want to) do you think you ever enjoyed that sort of intimacy, or do you think it was maybe that i felt like you should? 

 

 

again, thanks so much you guys.  

[OldSoul]

I thought I would when I was a teenager, but after a multitude of relationships, I realized that I hated it literally every time.
I hate kissing so, so, so, so very much. And I hate people touching me.
That's how I figured out I'm aromantic.

And I know I'm asexual because I do not experience and form of arousal, and don't really much understand the sentiment. I'm very much sex-repulsed if it involves me in any way.

[Ooo]

31 minutes ago, OldSoul said:

I thought I would when I was a teenager, but after a multitude of relationships, I realized that I hated it literally every time.
I hate kissing so, so, so, so very much. And I hate people touching me.
That's how I figured out I'm aromantic.

And I know I'm asexual because I do not experience and form of arousal, and don't really much understand the sentiment. I'm very much sex-repulsed if it involves me in any way.

i see , thanks for sharing!