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I Might Like My [Asexual] Friend - Advice?


Penguino

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I am sexual. I can see many of you already wanting to type "it won't work out". But I urge you to stay and read my message. It's going to be very long. I know some people won't want to read it all. But I really, really need help.

 

My friend and I are both introverts.  We have been friends for many years. I am a bi girl, but I have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before. She likes boys and girls, but not to the extent that I do? She's asexual, but has said before that she was questioning if she's aromantic.

 

I get jealous very easily. Whenever she talks about her friends that are boys, I get so worried. I fear that she will start dating someone else. The thought of that alone tears me up inside. It's like an actual fear. I'm not afraid of heights or afraid of spiders. But thinking of her dating someone else fills me with dread. It's irrational, but I feel like I won't be important to her anymore if she gets a boyfriend.

 

I don't always feel this way. But sometimes certain things can trigger these terrible emotions. She told me she had a crush on someone before, and I felt sick. It was like my worst nightmare come true. I told her it was cute that she had a crush and I acted like it was a good thing. But inside I kept hoping and wishing that they wouldn't date. I know I'm messed up for that. I do want her to be happy. I would never tell her I didn't want her to date someone. I would support her no matter what. But I would die on the inside.

 

It's not about her being asexual and me being sexual. If we dated, I'd be happy just to know she's mine. I wouldn't need sex. I wouldn't even needed kisses. She wouldn't even need to call me her girlfriend, just... I would just need to know she wouldn't date anyone else. I'm so possessive and I can't stop this feeling. I love her more than anyone else in the world. But I don't know if I'm actually in love, or if it's just fear of her leaving me one day.

 

The worst part is knowing that, everything else aside, we will never date. I can never call her "mine". Because I am sure she doesn't like me. She's never had a crush on me. She just sees me as her friend. And I know nothing I do will change that. I can't make her like me. I can't make her have feelings that simply aren't there. I don't know what to do. I can't tell her how I feel. It'd just make things awkward. I know I should be happy with our wonderful friendship, and I am...but why won't this fear go away?

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Hello, Penguino.

Some psychological theories about love suggest that the feeling appears and stays as an indicator that on some level you consider this person to be a possible life partner. Meaning, these feelings will remain for as long as a part of you hopes to make a couple with her. That’s why in most cases it helps to come out – then you know for sure, and no hope or doubt is left. This is often very painful and can (though doesn’t have to) mess up your friendship, but it’s the fastest way to free oneself of these feelings.

 

That’s theory, though. And I’ve told myself that over a hundred times back when I had “a hopeless crush” on my asexual friend. Sadly, knowing how it works doesn’t help when you really want this person to be yours. In my case, I chose to come out, and it really helped. It’s almost 1.5 years later, and we’re happy together. He’s not mine and never will be, but I occupy an important place in his life, and I’m totally his.

 

So, from what I’ve been through, things will not be the way you want them, but there is a small chance they’re going to work out in some good way, nevertheless.

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Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Penguino. Have some cake :cake: :-)

I read your whole post. It wasn't that long after all. I've got a big screen.

 

Your situation is unhealthy. It's eating you up inside. You need to tell her how you feel.

 

2 hours ago, Penguino said:

I can't tell her how I feel. It'd just make things awkward.

Yes you can. (Where have I heard that one before?)

And yes, it will make things awkward for a while. But it won't "just" make things awkward. It's going to change the relationship you have with your friend, for better or worse. Either way, it will bring you out of the current situation. And the good thing is: it will give your friend an opportunity to tell you what kind of relationship or friendship she would like to have with you. Shouldn't she have a say in this matter, too?

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1 hour ago, Lara Black said:

Hello, Penguino.

Some psychological theories about love suggest that the feeling appears and stays as an indicator that on some level you consider this person to be a possible life partner. Meaning, these feelings will remain for as long as a part of you hopes to make a couple with her. That’s why in most cases it helps to come out – then you know for sure, and no hope or doubt is left. This is often very painful and can (though doesn’t have to) mess up your friendship, but it’s the fastest way to free oneself of these feelings.

 

That’s theory, though. And I’ve told myself that over a hundred times back when I had “a hopeless crush” on my asexual friend. Sadly, knowing how it works doesn’t help when you really want this person to be yours. In my case, I chose to come out, and it really helped. It’s almost 1.5 years later, and we’re happy together. He’s not mine and never will be, but I occupy an important place in his life, and I’m totally his.

 

So, from what I’ve been through, things will not be the way you want them, but there is a small chance they’re going to work out in some good way, nevertheless.

I definitely would see her being my life partner. I actually can't imagine myself dating anyone else. But it's like a fantasy, one that I am convinced will never happen. Do you happen to have a link to articles about those theories?

 

I am very sorry for being nosy.. but could you tell me more about how that went when you confessed? Do you mean you are happy together as friends...or more?

 

 

58 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Penguino. Have some cake :cake: :-)

I read your whole post. It wasn't that long after all. I've got a big screen.

 

Your situation is unhealthy. It's eating you up inside. You need to tell her how you feel.

 

Yes you can. (Where have I heard that one before?)

And yes, it will make things awkward for a while. But it won't "just" make things awkward. It's going to change the relationship you have with your friend, for better or worse. Either way, it will bring you out of the current situation. And the good thing is: it will give your friend an opportunity to tell you what kind of relationship or friendship she would like to have with you. Shouldn't she have a say in this matter, too?

 

You're absolutely right. I know I should say something. A better person would. But she is my entire world. I don't know what I'd do if the relationship changed for the worse. I know we could make it through it, eventually. But I feel like right now I am not strong enough for that. I wish I could just drop hints until she understood. Flirting, perhaps. But I don't know how to flirt in a non-sexual way. And then even so, what would happen if she realized I liked her, and then we both knew she knew, and it became the elephant in the room?

 

I'm just giving a bunch of excuses and ranting. Thank you both for letting me get this off my chest.

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2 minutes ago, Penguino said:

I don't know what I'd do if the relationship changed for the worse.

Here's the thing: your relationship will change for the worse. It already is changing for the worse, because it gives you pain and trouble. The elephant is already in the room. The longer you hide your feelings from your friend, the harder it will be for you to deal with them. And sooner or later, you will break.

 

Keep this in mind when you think about talking to her. The longer you wait, the closer to breaking you'll be, and the harder it will get. If you talk to her, at least she'll know what it is, instead of wondering why you're behaving ever stranger around her. And you will behave strange around her.

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11 minutes ago, Penguino said:

I am very sorry for being nosy.. but could you tell me more about how that went when you confessed? Do you mean you are happy together as friends...or more?

I don’t mind answering your questions, but they are a bit more private than I care to disclose on the forum. I’ll send you a PM shortly.

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46 minutes ago, roland.o said:

Here's the thing: your relationship will change for the worse. It already is changing for the worse, because it gives you pain and trouble. The elephant is already in the room. The longer you hide your feelings from your friend, the harder it will be for you to deal with them. And sooner or later, you will break.

 

Keep this in mind when you think about talking to her. The longer you wait, the closer to breaking you'll be, and the harder it will get. If you talk to her, at least she'll know what it is, instead of wondering why you're behaving ever stranger around her. And you will behave strange around her.

 

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.

 

39 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

I don’t mind answering your questions, but they are a bit more private than I care to disclose on the forum. I’ll send you a PM shortly.

Okay :3

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Thank you for sharing your story. I joined AVEN for similar reasons so I really connect with your story. I hope everything goes well!

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On 10/24/2017 at 6:05 AM, Penguino said:

Thank you, purple_rose.

 

Unfortunately, I was thinking about this late last night, as I have been recently, when suddenly a memory popped up. I don't know why I had forgotten it, but remembering it has shattered any hope I had for a possibly future together.

 

A while ago - maybe a year or so - I sent her a message about how I get lonely sometimes. She replied asking what kind of loneliness it was. If it was friendship, she could provide it for me, but she isn't able to help me if it's romance. So I was basically already rejected. It's funny how memories come and go. I was probably so heartbroken that I had done by best to forget about it. Part of me wishes I hadn't remembered this.

 

Hi Penguino, so sorry to hear this (hug). I agree, it is funny how memories do come and go. I know how hard it is to recall memories that break our hearts, but at least now you have some certainty which may help you move forward and re-adjust. Hope you are ok!

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nanogretchen4

I think you need to be honest with your friend about what you are feeling. Whatever she said a year ago, obviously it did not resolve the issue well enough in your mind for you to move on with your life and begin the healing process. If she is aromantic then maybe you could propose the idea of a queer platonic relationship that would be exclusive in the sense that neither of you would date other people. I don't really recommend it because I think it would be better for you to look for lesbians or bisexual women or for that matter heterosexual men who might be able to fully reciprocate your feelings rather than resigning yourself to a life without romance or a happy sex life. But if a committed relationship with your friend is truly what you want right now, better to try for it and find out for yourself whether it can work than to waste years on silent wishing.

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I don't know if this helps you, but please listen because I've been in a similar place. Though I'm asexual rather than sexual, I'm also a very jealous person.

 

When I was younger, I was deathly afraid that my friends would start dating and leave me behind. Especially people that I got attached to or considered special. Keep in mind, I didn't actually want to date them myself, even though I've felt sick to my stomach to the point i nearly threw up in the bathroom when I found out one of my best friends had started dating a guy we both knew. I knew this was super irrational as well, and please believe me when I say I know how you feel - especially the fear of not being special to someone once they start dating another person!

 

So.. fast forward a few years. I now have a girlfriend, who I got very attached to in a similar way as a close friend. We were friends for five years before we got together, and I saw her date other people in the meantime and tried to detach myself because I knew it was irrational to be jealous. I was actually scared of approaching her unless she was dating someone because I knew I would get attached. She is bisexual, like you, and I knew that she was attracted to me, but that was really scary. Especially because I liked her too -- but not in exactly the way she wanted me to like her. I was super aware that getting together with her and making it official would mean that she wouldn't date someone else, but I didn't think I could make that commitment to be more than a friend. It was tempting to be her number one, which was something I definitely wanted, but I also wasn't sure I could be her girlfriend. 

 

When she realised that I liked her back because I couldn't hide it any more, she was happy and suggested we try dating out. I didn't really want to but I agreed - because she was so sure we could work it out if we both loved each other and this was my opportunity to see that she wouldn't get taken by someone else. I even pushed myself to be more intimate with her to make her happy, even though she wasn't expecting me to do that. She really believed that love would find a way, and that things would work out, and she thought that was what was happening when I was pushing myself to make her happy. 

 

The thing is though, this wasn't healthy. We hurt each other a lot with that sort of thinking and my selfishness in agreeing to go out with her just to keep her off the market wasn't how I ought to have approached the relationship. I thought I could force myself to be intimate with her in order to make it work, but I couldn't. We've both learned to adapt and struggled very hard with our feelings and differing needs, and we've found a way to make our relationship work - and while I'm still asexual and I'm never going to be able to desire what she wants, we're both learning to live with that and I can at least say that I do love her and she knows that I do love her.

 

And the thing is, no matter how much we love each other, I know that girlfriend still wants more than I can give her, and love isn't going to make those feelings or needs go away. She knows that I am never going to desire her in the way she wants and that still hurts her every day. It was more than love that made it work. It was a lot of hard emotional work and determination, and we're still figuring things out. Please keep that in mind! You might be in a phase where you think love will suppress your needs, but your needs are still going to be there and you can't ignore them forever.

 

That's all I wanted to say... and I guess it might not help but that's my story.

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A person That is real

Ok this is the best advice I can give if you really care about her as much as you say you do then tell her how you feel or at least ask her out, and maybe she doesnt like you now that doesnt mean she wont ever like you.🎂

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Something she said a year ago may not necessarily be true now. Don't get hung up on something like that because people are fluid beings and emotions and needs can change constantly. 

I think the most important thing for you to do is to respect her boundaries. Make it clear that you don't need sex or kissing or anything that makes her uncomfortable. Because, ultimately, if she's uncomfortable, she will be unhappy and leave. Do everything you can to ensure that she feels safe and protected. I know we're not the same people, but I personally get super weirded out by people seeing me as a sexual object and talking about sex scenarios with me in them- but only if it's not a joke. If I know for a fact they're just kidding around, it's fine.

This is why you need to tell her your feelings. Give her a chance to say exactly what she wants, because it might not be obvious. What makes her feel comfortable and uncomfortable are typically only things that you will fully understand after having a conversation with her about it. I know it's so hard, but I know you can do it because you care about her so much. Best of luck!!

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  • 2 months later...

I wanted to thank everyone for posting in here. And sorry for not posting again until now.

I also have to thank Aven for having so much accessible information on asexuality, and helping me understand it better. 

 

I still have not confessed, but mistfallen's post has helped me with understanding that love changes and grows, and so I try to tell myself it's not completely hopeless. 

There are certain reasons why I still haven't told her. But I have tried to hint at it.I don't know if I ever will be able to say the words. I think I'm just too afraid of realizing she doesn't like me the same way I like her. 

 

I also want to respond in-depth to this post:

On 10/25/2017 at 2:27 PM, nanogretchen4 said:

 If she is aromantic then maybe you could propose the idea of a queer platonic relationship that would be exclusive in the sense that neither of you would date other people. I don't really recommend it because I think it would be better for you to look for lesbians or bisexual women or for that matter heterosexual men who might be able to fully reciprocate your feelings rather than resigning yourself to a life without romance or a happy sex life. But if a committed relationship with your friend is truly what you want right now, better to try for it and find out for yourself whether it can work than to waste years on silent wishing.

Regardless of what happens, I cannot see myself dating someone else. There's no one else that I would want to spend my life with. So I'd still be single even if I confessed and was rejected. Such is life I suppose. But thank you for the response. 

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