Anyone else have random desires for romantic relationships then panic as soon as one seems even remotely likely?

[KHartWriting]

Okay, it's sort of in the title. Recently a lot of my friends have been getting involved in relationships, and I briefly joined a dating site only to find that I panicked as soon as someone messaged me. Does anyone else have this experience? I know I'm on the aro spectrum but I don't know where.

[.galaxy]

Hmm, maybe lithromantic? The idea of a romantic relationship appeals to you but in practice find it doesn’t? I’d love to have a somebody but I find romantic relationships stressful and I’m much happier with friends. Hopefully I’ve not added to your confusion and feel free to message me privately if you wish

[KHartWriting]

I don't know. I'm not sure what my desire is for. Whether it's for long-term companionship (which could be provided by friends) or actual dating. But I panicked the first time anyone ever kissed me. And I mean panicked, and badly. But I was okay going on 'dates'.

[Rynn]

Yeah, I'm with @.galaxy. Lithromantic sounds likely. That's about being able to experience romantic attraction, but not wanting that attraction to be reciprocated, or having your attraction suddenly disappear as soon as its reciprocated.

 

There's also cupioromantic, which means you would like to be in a romantic relationship in theory, but you can't experience romantic attraction. It's a constant state of not ever finding the right person.

[KHartWriting]

5 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Yeah, I'm with @.galaxy. Lithromantic sounds likely. That's about being able to experience romantic attraction, but not wanting that attraction to be reciprocated, or having your attraction suddenly disappear as soon as its reciprocated.

 

There's also cupioromantic, which means you would like to be in a romantic relationship in theory, but you can't experience romantic attraction. It's a constant state of not ever finding the right person.

I've never heard of either of those before, but they sound familiar.

[try again]

38 minutes ago, Laurann said:

Yeah, I'm with @.galaxy. Lithromantic sounds likely. That's about being able to experience romantic attraction, but not wanting that attraction to be reciprocated, or having your attraction suddenly disappear as soon as its reciprocated.

 

There's also cupioromantic, which means you would like to be in a romantic relationship in theory, but you can't experience romantic attraction. It's a constant state of not ever finding the right person.

It is interesting how asexual community have a name for almost any situation that can possibly arise. Today i learned i was probably a lithromantic growing up.

[Rynn]

12 minutes ago, try again said:

It is interesting how asexual community have a name for almost any situation that can possibly arise. Today i learned i was probably a lithromantic growing up.

yeah, it's getting kind of ridiculous at this point to be honest. 

[KHartWriting]

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

yeah, it's getting kind of ridiculous at this point to be honest. 

It can be useful, but right now I'm feeling like if I went up to someone and went 'I'm cis, asexual, lithromantic, whatever else' they'd look at me like I was crazy. There's just... a lot. I'd rather just say I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum and I'm ace.

[Rynn]

Just now, KHartWriting said:

It can be useful, but right now I'm feeling like if I went up to someone and went 'I'm cis, asexual, lithromantic, whatever else' they'd look at me like I was crazy. There's just... a lot. I'd rather just say I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum and I'm ace.

Yeah I tend to think of these labels as tools to make sense of your own feelings, and as a way to connect people with similar experiences. I wouldn't use them on laypeople either.

If it works it works, and if it doesn't, then just go without labels.

[KHartWriting]

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

Yeah I tend to think of these labels as tools to make sense of your own feelings, and as a way to connect people with similar experiences. I wouldn't use them on laypeople either.

If it works it works, and if it doesn't, then just go without labels.

Exactly. It's good to know that other people have those experiences, though.

[Chibe90]

I tend to get involved in the relationship, then panic when things get serious.

[Tos]

i kinda get this! romantic relationships seem nice in theory in that it would be nice to have that level of intimacy, but when it seems like someone is actually interested in being romantic with me it's a no-go. probably because real people are more complex (and more flawed) than imaginary ones, so it's easy for me to see all the ways in which it would not work.

 

i just identify as aro because i can't bother with parsing out cupio/lithro, etc. and because for all intents and purposes i'm aro anyways. plus, i'm not actually interested in the traditionally romantic parts of romantic relationships, just the intimacy, which i believe one can have without it being romantic.

[KHartWriting]

2 minutes ago, Tos said:

i kinda get this! romantic relationships seem nice in theory in that it would be nice to have that level of intimacy, but when it seems like someone is actually interested in being romantic with me it's a no-go. probably because real people are more complex (and more flawed) than imaginary ones, so it's easy for me to see all the ways in which it would not work.

 

i just identify as aro because i can't bother with parsing out cupio/lithro, etc. and because for all intents and purposes i'm aro anyways. plus, i'm not actually interested in the traditionally romantic parts of romantic relationships, just the intimacy, which i believe one can have without it being romantic.

I think I might be similar actually. It's more like a desire for a QPP type relationship than a romantic relationship I think.

[binary suns]

There are a good number of folk who have all sorts of worries or anxieties or stress regarding a relationship, and work through it.

 

not to necessarily make any claim for you, but just wanted to mention that aromanticism and asexuality are lacking the emotional interest in romance or in sex, but not worries/anxiety/stress regarding those things. worries/anxieties/stress can appear common on this site regarding either or both of those things, but the truth is that such things are present for various people of all orientations.

 

There are a lot of opportunities for close, trusting, intimate, bonding relationships to lead to anxiety and worries and stresses. If you do encounter panic about romance, then you are not alone. personally, I do have a few stresses when it comes to forming relationships of all kinds, not just romantic but just the common platonic relationships we form on a regular basis - friends, family, peers, colleagues... etc. Over time, we are very capable to work on finding ways to find a quality relationship despite our stresses etc. Have hope and patience, and look for opportunities to learn and improve

 

When in your OP you say, you aren't sure but maybe you'd be interested in long-term companionship or maybe dating but it isn't really clear, to me saying this implies that maybe you do desire romantic partnership, which is in my oppinion one form of attraction * technically tho, unless you feel attracted to particular people, this can still be a frustrating thing - to want a relationship, but not know how to find one. Myself, I am both demiromantic and quoiromantic - demiromantic means that, it takes a strong bond before I can feel romantic attraction towards anyone - as in, I just can't be interested in people at all romantically, before I have had sufficient time to get to know them and get comfortable with them. and quoiromantic means - that I cannot really tell the difference between friendship and romanticism. for me, being both these actually complicate each other - knowing that some day I want a relationship, makes it really hard to be friends with people, especially since my only viable path to a relationship IS to befriend people first. so I have a lot of anxiety with my friends because of that. and then, quio complicates being demi because - I can never have faith that I really AM demi, maybe I'm just too closeted about romanticism due to being quio that I just can't express my romantic feelings properly until I feel comfortable and close! But, who can really be sure with such a thing? all that I know is that eventually I figure out how to be friends with people given enough time. and, eventually I'll probably be in a romantic relationship. ultimately, knowing that is what really matters to me - the label of my orientation is helpful to understand what I want, but what I want/anticipate/live is what really matters when it comes down to it. 

 

 

 

 

*I say that general interest in a romantic relationship is "attraction" but this is a controversial statement. most folk on arocalypse.com have the opinion that aromantic folk can still have a desire to partner, tho it appears such desire is only 1/4 of the population there according to an informal poll. when it comes to sexual attraction, there are some folks who come here on occasion and say something as extreme as, "I really love sex and have it with anyone but, I just never really feel attracted to the person. I just like experiencing my arousal through sex, that's all - so because I'm never attracted to anyone, I am ace!" but such comments have had backlash from the ace community, saying that they're pansexual, not asexual. So in general, whether or not generally desiring a romantic relationship or a sexual relationship "counting" as romantic or sexual attraction is controversial. But, the bottom line is - knowing what you want, is what really matters. hopefully an orientation can be found that helps you to understand and declare what you want, to communicate it and pursue what you want. 

 

[Snao Cone]

I think there's a difference between this just being your disposition in regards to romance, and this being a temporary way of reacting to the possibility of a relationship. I agree that expressing yourself as lithromantic or some other very specific term is going to make other people tilt their heads.

[binary suns]

oh and - not to agree or disagree with anyone on this thread but since the topic seems to be common I have one thought on the matter I think about often - that, sometimes making bad calls or testing the waters in a way that leads to an incorrect assumption is necessary to find the path to understand what is true. So, while I do find importance in having visibility about what is true about a label such as cupioromantic or demiromantic or lithromantic or aromantic or greyromantic or any other identifying word like those, it also is important to not be afraid to try one of them out, asking, "is this me? or is it not?" and that question, over time, helps structure your self-observation to come to understand what is eluding your awareness. after all, sometimes anxiety comes directly from a lack of attraction  

[Pam just wants pancakes]

I don’t want to be in a relationship and I don’t want to go on dates. However when boys flirt with me I just go with it because I like the attention. Sometimes when I find them aesthetically attractive and they want to kiss me I don’t mind if they do as long as it doesn’t go any further than that and it’s only a one time thing . 

 

My friends like to tease me and ask me if I would date this boys or kiss them again. And I’m all like “I don’t know though” because I like that not only this boys gave me their attention but it also perks the interest of my friends. So I find myself wondering about relationships and if I’m missing out on this experiences and start to doubt if I’m really sure that I don’t experience romantic attraction. 

 

But when a boy I kissed starts to show emotional interest in me, I find myself panicking and worrying about everything. It’s like the illusion of a relationship falls a part, because in theory I like the idea of someone liking me and  being interested in me in that way but when it comes to reality it is a whole other story. 

[Homer]

Hell no. I don't know how it works and I can't figure out any difference from a close friendship besides limerence, which is supposed to fade ayway. Romance is a complete mystery to me.

 

side note: The term "aro spectrum" is misleading. Aromantics don't experience romantic attraction ever, at all, no matter the circumstances. There's nothing spectrum-like to it

[KHartWriting]

4 minutes ago, Homer said:

he term "aro spectrum" is misleading. Aromantics don't experience romantic attraction ever, at all, no matter the circumstances. There's nothing spectrum-like to it

... I've never heard that. Everyone I speak to says there's an aro spectrum just like there's an ace spectrum.

[Homer]

Just now, KHartWriting said:

... I've never heard that. Everyone I speak to says there's an aro spectrum just like there's an ace spectrum.

Both terms are misleading and factually inaccurate

 

Is there any particular reason that you joined that dating site in the first place? Did you think "I'll sign up and I'd like xy to happen" or did you just sign up to see what happens? Maybe you just found out that you actually aren't interested in a relationship at this point? Hmmm...

[KHartWriting]

1 minute ago, Homer said:

Both terms are misleading and factually inaccurate

 

Is there any particular reason that you joined that dating site in the first place? Did you think "I'll sign up and I'd like xy to happen" or did you just sign up to see what happens? Maybe you just found out that you actually aren't interested in a relationship at this point? Hmmm...

I think I just joined with companionship in mind, and panicked when I considered the romantic aspect of it, to be honest.

[Rynn]

6 minutes ago, KHartWriting said:

.. I've never heard that. Everyone I speak to says there's an aro spectrum just like there's an ace spectrum.

Yeah.. there's a debate about the ace spectrum as well.

Some people feel 'asexual' and 'aromantic' should only describe someone who never ever experiences attraction, and all the other gray identities should be classified under 'sexual' and 'romantic', rather than under 'asexual' and 'aromantic'. They're not saying those gray identities aren't valid and don't deserve their own labels, they just want to reclassify them.

[KHartWriting]

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

Yeah.. there's a debate about the ace spectrum as well.

Some people feel 'asexual' and 'aromantic' should only describe someone who never ever experiences attraction, and all the other gray identities should be classified under 'sexual' and 'romantic', rather than under 'asexual' and 'aromantic'. They're not saying those gray identities aren't valid and don't deserve their own labels, they just want to reclassify them.

Thank you for the clarification. I can see where people would be coming from on that, but don't necessarily agree. I know several gray-aces, for example, who would be very hurt by the thought that they were 'sexual'. I myself am definitely asexual, though unsure where I come on the aro spectrum/whether I am aro.

[Rynn]

Just now, KHartWriting said:

Thank you for the clarification. I can see where people would be coming from on that, but don't necessarily agree. I know several gray-aces, for example, who would be very hurt by the thought that they were 'sexual'. I myself am definitely asexual, though unsure where I come on the aro spectrum/whether I am aro.

Yeah I'm not really feeling like getting into that debate right now, I just wanted people to understand what was going on here.

[KHartWriting]

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

Yeah I'm not really feeling like getting into that debate right now, I just wanted people to understand what was going on here.

No absolutely. I just meant to thank you for clarifying.

[binary suns]

39 minutes ago, Homer said:

Both terms are misleading and factually inaccurate

 

Is there any particular reason that you joined that dating site in the first place? Did you think "I'll sign up and I'd like xy to happen" or did you just sign up to see what happens? Maybe you just found out that you actually aren't interested in a relationship at this point? Hmmm...

if you take one part aromantic and one part heteromantic and you mix em you have a little bit of both. it's completely logically valid to say aro spectrum. it implies that not everyone is as romantic as the literature makes humans seem, which is a critical message to make.

 

sure, it isn't really true that someone who isn't aromantic is somehow aromantic. but, that is why it is called aro-spectrum, and not aromantic. it's clearly a different name.

 

furthermore, there are people who are clearly aromanitc, who also reveal some things that makes them seem romantic. without going into detail, this could seem like it is easy to say, "well they [X] therefore they are aromantic" except, exactly what attraction and desire is at the point that it makes a person ace or aro is not 100% universal for everyone. as great as it is to assume that one definition will rule them all, this is just not the case. in fact, aro-spectrum implies that there are different ways of being aromantic, which there is. some find close friends to function as a duo in a society that expects paired people. some don't. some are in romantic relationships just 'cause life happened that way. some would never do such a thing. and many other quirky corner case scenarios.

[Homer]

1 minute ago, float on said:

it implies that not everyone is as romantic as the literature makes humans seem, which is a critical message to make.

Yup. That's why romanticism is a spectrum. Aromanticism is one extreme end of it. Zero is not a spectrum.

 

 

40 minutes ago, KHartWriting said:

I think I just joined with companionship in mind, and panicked when I considered the romantic aspect of it, to be honest.

Now I have precisely zero experience with dating sites, but from what I've heard results heavily depend on which site you're using. Different places attract different folks.

[Seclusion]

Well, in my experience, I have never really actively pursued a romantic relationship. Now I don't know if I'm aro or lithromantic or whatever, but so far I seem to kinda like the idea/concept of a romantic relationship just because it looks fulfilling but on the other hand, I'm in a relationship right now and I don't feel the urge to make it more than a close platonic relationship...which probably isn't fair to my boyfriend but it's just how I feel about it truthfully. I just don't see the need for romantic-y stuff like going on dinner dates and giving flowers and all that--it does make me slightly uncomfortable/anxious when my boyfriend wants to do that sort of stuff with me. (Like why can't we just hang out and play video games haha it baffles me that you'd want to do this after getting to know me in just a few months...at least I think I'd need way more time to feel anything romance-y for you if I did end up feeling anything.) Then again maybe I just haven't met the 'right one' but who really knows. Also when people try to flirt with me in general it's like sure thanks for the attention but you're also making me super embarrassed and anxious...also probably not interested... People who approach me immediately with romantic interest turn me off tbh so I get how you (OP) would feel panicked by getting suddenly messaged.

 

So yeah, theoretically relationships seem nice, IRL...don't really know if I'm a huge fan. Could be wrong though. Just know that you're definitely not the only one who feels this way.

[Tos]

11 hours ago, KHartWriting said:

I think I might be similar actually. It's more like a desire for a QPP type relationship than a romantic relationship I think.

TOTES. yes to the conversation/mutual support/shared activities. no to the complete interdependence/professions of love/expectations of exclusivity/marriage that come with traditional romance.

 

(i say traditional because i know full well that everyone's relationships are different, but there is obviously an archetype)

[daveb]

I tend to be that way even with potential friendships. I have doubts that they really want to be with me, and I have fears that they might want too much of my time. Will it take too much of my "me time"? Do they really want to spend time with me?  And what if someone gets hurt?

 

I think for me it helps when I can really be open and honest with them. When we can tell each other when we need time alone, how we feel about things (each other, likes and dislikes in foods and entertainment and everything).