Hi, where do I belong on the spectrum? Any insight is helpful.

[Ulty]

Hi, everyone

I just recently joined in hope of getting a bit of closure on what I am and just feeling more welcome? I've always felt alone on the subject but learning more about asexuality I thought maybe it can help out. I have thought of myself before as a possibility of being asexual but never fully looked into it. I hope I don't sound like some huge weirdo or something with what I say ^^;

 

I've talked with a friend about where I'd fit and feel like I'd be a gray ace but I dunno? Some days I am more accepting of sex than others.

 

So I guess I'll do the run-down:

I'm a 22yr old hetero female.

 

Over anything, I would rather just cuddle, hug, nuzzle, or have quick simple kisses. I guess I've always refered to it as the "innocent"  side of a  relationship? This would be the ideal relationship. Nothing more than this.

 

If I never have sex this would not bother me in the slightest. I would much rather have an emotional connection to someone and intimacy (without touching genitalia kinda stuff) such as rubbing my back or kisses say on areas other than the face like shoulders?

 

I would say when I was much younger I was more of the "repulsed" by sex kind of person due to ,kind of hard to say actually...well let's just put it as a paternal figure had raped one of my siblings and it has I guess it left me in a form of trauma even though it didn't happen to me. So with that I never really was interested in any person or in sex at all.  I began to feel like the world is just oober sex crazed and I was the only one who didn't want it in the slightest. I had close friendships but not in any romantic sense.

 

However, when I got a little older, I got tremendously attached to a game character? I guess a sort of escapism from unfortunate things happening at home. 

 

 So I grew strongly connected to this fictional guy and it was kind of a shocker for me? I just remember sitting in my room having the thought, 'Wow is this what it's like to really like someone?", "Look this guy isn't sexual in anyway. This is great."

 

So in highschool, I still liked this fellar, no real guy ever felt up to par with this fictional character, yeah I had some real people crushes, but they never lasted either by me getting disinterested or unfortunately being made fun of for liking said person. It was like someone was always there to make me feel ashamed of having feelings for real people? Like mocking me and saying who would ever like me? So I would put up a wall all the time to liking anyone from that point. 

 

And my family would usually say things like 'you'll grow to like this' , 'you'll grow to like that' speel which really bothered me :c They'd even say 'oh looks like you just need to find a celibate bf' or say I'm 'too picky'. That guys are just 'going to be sexual' regardless, which didn't help further. It made me feel like I could never find someone who thinks the same or understands my situation.

 

Anyways, I felt like I had to give into the sex-craved world.

So much so that I started looking into things I was originally "repulsed" by, by reading or looking at more mature content to see what the big deal is. However, I only found interest if it had to do with that specific fictional character. If anyone else was there in the literature or art, I go back to repulsed/uninterested.

 

So by the time college hits I start to crush hard on this guy. And I think oh geez, I'm going to be made fun of. But no one treated me that way, which was great. He reminded me a lot of said fictional character personality wise ,so much so, I dropped all interest in the fictional character and started to hang out with this guy.

 

So I've known him for about two years and we decide to go out. Everything is great and peachy and things end up leading more sexual quite a bit later. I've never experienced it so decide to allow him to do some minor sexual things just to see where it goes? Just out of sheer curiosity. When I first tried it out it out I felt okay not too into it but okay, then more sexual actions happened and I felt immense guilt/disgust in myself/ questioned why I'd do it and the more the person tried the more sexual things, the more I pushed them away, totally grossed out and feeling as if they only wanted me sexually. I began to feel ashamed and unwanted about the whole ordeal. That it was never about me. It was about the action.

 

I tried telling them how uncomfortable I was. That it shouldn't happen again. That I only wanted what I described as "innocent" romantic things. To feel safe. The kissing started to gross me out. I would only just want hugs by then and wanted nothing sexual. Seeing as how they couldn't stop with having sexual tendencies I called the relationship off. It hurt them of course, but I couldn't see myself fulfilling their sexual needs. It felt like they couldn't accept that I didn't want sexual stuff.

 

However again, because now I was lonely, I grew attached to another fictional character because I play so many darn video games, It ended up just like the previous fic character. I adored for who they were and then became interested enough that I was okay again with the more mature content. I wasn't grossed out by it AS much. It was more of a thought of, "If he was real, it would only be okay if he touched me that way" kinda speel.

 

Am I only okay with stuff about sex if it's not directly in front of me? Or was it that connection with the actual guy, not as strong making me more unwilling? I don't know.

 

I'm confused how I can just go from being super okay to having an interest in a fictional character that way but when the real deal happens I shut down immediately.  Is it just because they can't hurt me? Because they can't touch me? 

 

Now I just feel isolated not wanting to be touched that way and just desire someone who just wants hugs, to hold hands, the little things, but has no interest in sex. 

 

I dunno sorry if this was bizarre, gross, or weird to read omo just if anyone can help in me figuring out what I am because I'm so lost and felt that joining this community could give me insight.

 

Thank you and have a good day ^^

[WeirdOne]

Hi Ulty and welcome to AVEN  

 

There are many people on this site with a lot of knowledge about the spectrum like @Hazel_Elise!! Maybe she can help you put a name to it. But the most important thing is to accept your feelings, without having to label them I think. I understand your repulsion, and also have a major crush on not so much a fictional character but a celebrity which is safe and nice and everything. Don't say sorry for posting your thoughts, we are here for eachother! 

[Rynn]

Hiya welcome!

Have you ever heard of the term fictosexual?

Maybe you're heteroromantic and fictosexual? (Not that I can tell you that, because I'm not in your head to experience your life, but it's something you can look into and decide for yourself if it fits.)

 

1 hour ago, Ulty said:

If I never have sex this would not bother me in the slightest. I would much rather have an emotional connection to someone and intimacy (without touching genitalia kinda stuff) such as rubbing my back or kisses say on areas other than the face like shoulders?

Sounds like you want something romantic and sensual, but not sexual.

Spoiler

 

Of course there's nothing wrong with how you feel and with wanting the type of relationship that you want (and it sounds like you'd fit right in with an asexual partner), but I'd still recommend therapy in order to help you deal with what happened to your sibling. I don't think you'll start wanting sex as a side effect, but if that does happen, then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

 

1 hour ago, Ulty said:

I dunno sorry if this was bizarre, gross, or weird to read

Nah, pretty average for AVEN  

You've got nothing to worry about haha

[Ulty]

2 hours ago, WeirdOne said:

Hi Ulty and welcome to AVEN  

 

There are many people on this site with a lot of knowledge about the spectrum like @Hazel_Elise!! Maybe she can help you put a name to it. But the most important thing is to accept your feelings, without having to label them I think. I understand your repulsion, and also have a major crush on not so much a fictional character but a celebrity which is safe and nice and everything. Don't say sorry for posting your thoughts, we are here for eachother! 

Thanks so much for your kind words ^^ I appreciate it ^^ It's understandable of course to not put labels on first, it was also just I guess making sure I'm in the right community too? 

 

Oh thank you ^^

[Salted Karamel]

Hello and welcome! 

 

A lot of your story—before it starts getting into the much more specific stuff—sounds like it could have been written by me. I've never found sexual activities appealing and when I was young I was even rather repulsed by them. But there are a few fictional characters that I've become very attached to and I sometimes find sex appealing in the context of them having it, and I've also struggled to reconcile this with how I do and don't feel about real people and what I do and don't want to do IRL.

 

For a while I was identifying as demisexual, figuring (among other things that made me choose this label) that I was emotionally attached to those characters enough to find the idea of their sexual activities appealing. But recent events in the community (which seems less and less inclusive of those on the gray spectrum as of late) and in my own life have made me begun to feel more that I am an asexual who simply likes the concept of a sexual relationship, and this is why the idea appeals to me in the context of fiction. IRL, being in a physically intimate relationship appeals to me, but not the sex itself which is usually necessary to such a relationship. I, too, would be more than happy for my relationship to only ever include cuddling, massages, etc. in the way of physical intimacy, but as a sex-neutral ace (a.k.a., I am not actively repulsed by sex and can tolerate participating in it), I do sexually compromise (i.e., have sex with my partner because my partner wants to have sex even if I'm not really into it myself).

 

Anyway, I go into all this to bring up the idea to you that maybe your attraction to fictional characters in't an attraction to the characters themselves, but is an expression of ideas that you're into and can only enjoy in the context of fiction because you're not really into them in practice? I feel like you've already touched upon that yourself in wondering whether you're only attracted to them because it can never "get real" with them, but this idea of my fictional faves serving as a projection screen for things that only appeal to me as fiction is relatively new to me so I thought I'd suggest that to you as well.

 

Consider this: There are plenty of people who like badass fighters in fiction, fantasize and write fanfiction about them kicking people's asses, maybe even killing and oppressing people, etc., but they have no desire to actually do those things in reality! If we lived in a world where everyone was expected to really, really want to beat people to death, then idolizing a character for how cool they seem when fighting might make us think that we wish to do this ourselves. But then sometimes...you punch someone in the face and you realize you don't really want to do that at all, lol.. You just like how powerful your faves seem when they're doing it in fiction.

 

I think the same thing can happen when replacing "fighting/killing" with "sex" and "power" with "intimacy."

[Ulty]

2 hours ago, Laurann said:

Hiya welcome!

Have you ever heard of the term fictosexual?

Maybe you're heteroromantic and fictosexual? (Not that I can tell you that, because I'm not in your head to experience your life, but it's something you can look into and decide for yourself if it fits.)

 

Sounds like you want something romantic and sensual, but not sexual.

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Of course there's nothing wrong with how you feel and with wanting the type of relationship that you want (and it sounds like you'd fit right in with an asexual partner), but I'd still recommend therapy in order to help you deal with what happened to your sibling. I don't think you'll start wanting sex as a side effect, but if that does happen, then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

 

Nah, pretty average for AVEN  

You've got nothing to worry about haha

I have never heard of that term, haha I guess to an extent I have that, but can't help feel like it's in a way a coping mechanism for me too as well. But I wouldn't deny the idea entirely. In a way it's a little embarrassing xD Like the girl who only likes the "2d kind" ^^;

 

Oh yeah! That word fits better ^^ I can agree on that ^^

 

I have tried doing therapy sessions for awhile but I didn't find them helpful? Maybe it's because of who I had for therapy? I was pretty defiant about having to go because I felt in a way ashamed of myself that I needed that degree of help :/ I ended up writing stories instead to try and express the situation I feel, and I feel just in that that I can't find a true ending for it. Just like for me, I'm not sure how to conclude things. I tried to show my therapist it at the time but I got into a car accident and never ended up going back to know ^^;

 

Oh really? That makes me feel a bit relieved. I wasn't sure if this community was the right one to talk about this stuff entirely >m< Like , that I'm not a true ace or something because my background or something ^^;

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Ulty]

9 minutes ago, Salted Karamel said:

Hello and welcome! 

 

A lot of your story—before it starts getting into the much more specific stuff—sounds like it could have been written by me. I've never found sexual activities appealing and when I was young I was even rather repulsed by them. But there are a few fictional characters that I've become very attached to and I sometimes find sex appealing in the context of them having it, and I've also struggled to reconcile this with how I do and don't feel about real people and what I do and don't want to do IRL.

 

For a while I was identifying as demisexual, figuring (among other things that made me choose this label) that I was emotionally attached to those characters enough to find the idea of their sexual activities appealing. But recent events in the community (which seems less and less inclusive of those on the gray spectrum as of late) and in my own life have made me begun to feel more that I am an asexual who simply likes the concept of a sexual relationship, and this is why the idea appeals to me in the context of fiction. IRL, being in a physically intimate relationship appeals to me, but not the sex itself which is usually necessary to such a relationship. I, too, would be more than happy for my relationship to only ever include cuddling, massages, etc. in the way of physical intimacy, but as a sex-neutral ace (a.k.a., I am not actively repulsed by sex and can tolerate participating in it), I do sexually compromise (i.e., have sex with my partner because my partner wants to have sex even if I'm not really into it myself).

 

Anyway, I go into all this to bring up the idea to you that maybe your attraction to fictional characters in't an attraction to the characters themselves, but is an expression of ideas that you're into and can only enjoy int he context of fiction because you're not really into them in practice? I feel like you've already touched upon that yourself in wondering whether you're only attracted to them because it can never "get real" with them, but this idea of my fictional faves serving as a projection screen for things that only appeal to me as fiction is relatively new to me so I thought I'd suggest that to you as well.

 

Consider this: There are plenty of people who like badass fighters in fiction, fantasize and write fanfiction about them kicking people's asses, maybe even killing and oppressing people, etc., but they have no desire to actually do those things in reality! If we lived in a world where everyone was expected to really, really want to beat people to death, then idolizing a character for how cool they seem when fighting might make us think that we wish to do this ourselves. But then sometimes...you punch someone in the face and you realize you don't really want to do that at all, lol.. You just like how powerful your faves seem when they're doing it in fiction.

 

I think the same thing can happen when replacing "fighting/killing" with "sex" and "power" with "intimacy."

That's good to hear I'm not alone on such a topic!

 

Hmm liking the concept of it? I guess I've never really thought about it that way. It could explain why I'm more uninterested irl but the idea still gives me some safe form of curiosity. So I guess I fit more just generally as asexual that finds the concept of sex interesting to an extent?

 

I would say so for the fictional characters. I nost definitely have a type xD They're always the same exact personality each time which is the super kindhearted guys always having a smile on their face to hide  some unfortunate backstory, almost always based on some father issue, but they learn to stay strong and keep fighting and be the positive energy of the party and their friends accept and their bonds become stronger than before. Doesn't matter the game it is, I always get attached to that specific character type haha. So i'd say it's definitely more so of liking someone who can understand my situation to a degree? And because I don't personally know anyone irl that I can connect to on that level it's not as comfortable?

 

Thanks for your thoughts and own experiences about it, it has been helpful ^^

 

 

 

[Rynn]

8 minutes ago, Ulty said:

I have tried doing therapy sessions for awhile but I didn't find them helpful? Maybe it's because of who I had for therapy?

Probably. For most people it takes a while before they find a therapist that works for them. Sometimes it just doesn't click.

 

8 minutes ago, Ulty said:

I was pretty defiant about having to go because I felt in a way ashamed of myself that I needed that degree of help :/

I don't think there's anything shameful about that to be honest, or at least there shouldn't be. I think most of the population could probably benefit from therapy, it's not just for extreme cases. 

 

11 minutes ago, Ulty said:

I wasn't sure if this community was the right one to talk about this stuff entirely >m< Like , that I'm not a true ace or something because my background or something ^^;

Everyone is welcome here, regardless of orientation (as long as you're respectful). A couple of our oldest and most respected members are just plain old sexuals, and I couldn't imagine AVEN without them.

 

People here tend to understand that some people who are asexual also happen to have been through some things, and that that's not necessarily linked. For some people that is linked. The label requiessexual is for people who are sure that their effective asexuality was caused by negative past experiences. That's a label nobody can force on you. Some people find it helpful because they feel it describes who they are, but other aces who've been through some things are adamant that that has nothing to do with their asexuality. To each their own, I say. Everyone knows themselves best.

[Ulty]

@Laurann

That is true. I find it hard for myself to want to go back though. Money is concern for me too, seeing as how it would probably be pricey.

 

I guess that's true. Thanks ^^

 

For me I find it hard to say because that's pretty much been my whole life since this whole thing started back when I was like 6? So I feel like it is centric? But never thought about it until i got older? I just assumed I had no interest in such of my own accord?

[Rynn]

@Ulty

Yeah it's probably going to take a lot of digging and soul-searching to find out if what happened has anything to do with your asexuality.

I don't know if that's worth it in the end. I mean, do the best you can on dealing with what happened, but don't do it in order to cure your orientation. That's just a possible though unlikely side-effect. Not to be aimed at.

 

I don't think anyone else will be able to tell you if for you it's linked or not. You'll have to figure that out on your own, or with the help of a mental health professional.

[Ulty]

@Laurann

I feel like it has to to an extent because it made me more grossed out by it. But I wouldn't say I've repressed myself or anything because of it.

I could have been able to "move on" like my other siblings can about the scenario and know that not all people are like that. I mean my family assured me of that from the start when they found out what happened to my sibling. 

 

I do really feel better when it's more of a sensual thing though.  It just inside makes me feel more happy? Like with my actual bf I genuinely like those actions. I have often or so daydreamed of someone cuddling me or somethkng. Like sex never made me feel much more then just meh or 'why do you like this?'/'What's the appeal?' When I ask my sibling. I have tried the scenario out with the bf like I've described earlier to see if I'd feel different but I didn't.

 

I do feel that requiessexual does fit me quite well from looking at it. But only for sexual stuff. I still much crave the sensual things still very much so.

 

[Rynn]

1 minute ago, Ulty said:

I still much crave the sensual things still very much so.

Well you could decide you're requiessexual and heterosensual and heteroromantic. Some people do that. That salami-slicing of your orientation is only useful to understand your own emotions with though. I probably wouldn't start coming out to people as 'requiessexual, heterosensual, heteroromantic'. That doesn't really work.

 

Or you could just say "F*ck it, I'm ace, that's enough for me."

[Ulty]

1 minute ago, Laurann said:

Well you could decide you're requiessexual and heterosensual and heteroromantic. Some people do that. That salami-slicing of your orientation is only useful to understand your own emotions with though. I probably wouldn't start coming out to people as 'requiessexual, heterosensual, heteroromantic'. That doesn't really work.

 

Or you could just say "F*ck it, I'm ace, that's enough for me."

Yeah that is a lot of descriptions that definitely help for me personally but yeah it is a lot of things to put out.

 

I think for what I've told some people already is that I feel I am an ace and coming here confirms it more for me and from what I've read on. Some form of ace. I think more people would understand what i'm talking about that way anyways by just saying i'm an ace and if they wanted to know more I can explain more on the spectrum why I am one? Haha.

 

Talking with you has been really insightful and I feel I have a better grasp of where I am on the spectrum. I've never heard of  requiessexual so this was helpful ^^

[Rynn]

@Ulty

I'm glad I could help