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Does anybody else find dating stressful?


dangling_

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I'm not completely sure if I'm aromantic or not, but I do know that I find dating stressful, as I feel like I'm stringing the person along. Sexual feelings have been quite intense, but romantic feelings nonexistent. 

 

I probably shouldn't think so much about it, but it's an area in which I struggle.

 

I would be perfectly happy if I never had a romantic relationship in my life, but am not happy without friends (although I'm scared to death of making new ones).

 

Meanwhile I get the usual shit about "You haven't met the right person" and all. Is there a reason for marriage? Last answer I got was "People do it not to be alone for the rest of their lives" which used to confuse the hell out of me. 

 

Romance is simply not there and it's creating an obstacle. I wish it was as simple as "You just haven't met the right person yet." But it isn't, and I can't work out how to tell people that.

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I don't find romance itself stressful (until things go bad, anyway), and I am very romantic, but dating (as in, meeting people to establish whether or not you'd want to have a romantic relationship with) is such an unappealing idea to me that at 29 I've never done it and never will, yuck. Also, people marry for all sorts of reasons, but I know if I did it would be because it's a fun activity to do with a romantic partner who you already know you're going to commit to long-term. It's like a celebration of the love and the relationship that you have, as well as the legal stuff involved which some people feel is beneficial to them as partners as opposed to (on paper) being two people who live separately and have separate lives. Also for me, romantic feelings never could be like, forced.. I could never feel them UNLESS I fell for someone.. which can happen totally randomly and totally unexpectedly. So sometimes if people say 'you haven't met the right person yet', they COULD be right, you just won't ever know unless you actually meet that person :P

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I've often compared dating to having my teeth pulled. Every once in a great while it doesn't feel like that and it's like magic. I decided to take the pressure off and do things on my own terms. No one hour coffees (I always order tea anyway), no waiting 3 days, no deadly shoes. I'll take honesty over apathy any day of the week. 

 

I'd rather share something enjoyable than keep going out dinner or whatever it is people are doing these days. Bird masks?

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Hermit Advocate

Yes. My limited dating experience consisted of me wondering what I was doing wrong because I found the whole experience so annoying and actively avoiding the guy I was seeing at the time. It got to the point where I felt genuine rage every time he wanted to do something, which wasn't fair as he was actually a nice guy. My first relationship ended because of the juvenility of the guy. In my second (and last) relationship, I realized how much I loath the activity of "dating" and my anxiety dropped significantly after I ended it. Besides, why would I need to date when I have a cat to cuddle? Pets are much less stressful companions. 

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thejollyfolly

I'm currently finding dating a little more stressful than I think it generally should be, too. Admittedly, I'm fairly new to dating, so it's probably expected. If I'm being honest though, romantic relationships just seem kind of like a hassle, especially because the typical dating stuff that everyone does is not super appealing to me. I'm pretty apathetic to it all. I guess my view on dating is more 'deep platonic relationship' or even queerplatonic relationship than anything else, so right now I feel a little guilty because it's like I'm just leading my boyfriend on. Romantic feelings, I think, is either something that I might experience a long way down the road or even never at the rate I'm going now. That being said, I'm a pretty guarded, introverted person so that could be why.

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Yeah. I always felt like something I didn't understand was expected of me, and I couldn't figure out what it was or how to give it to the person.

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Yes! Dating is weird for me and it drained my energy.

 

i dated about 2 people and one of them didn't even last a day (the next day I found out I was aromantic) 

 

i felt glad being rejected because it meant that I didn't have to worry about being with someone. Is that mean?

 

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On 10/21/2017 at 11:54 PM, Hey you in the corner said:

Yes. My limited dating experience consisted of me wondering what I was doing wrong because I found the whole experience so annoying and actively avoiding the guy I was seeing at the time. It got to the point where I felt genuine rage every time he wanted to do something, which wasn't fair as he was actually a nice guy. 

Describes my experience with dating perfectly. If it's only because "I haven't met the right person", then it's not the right person.

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On 10/23/2017 at 11:45 PM, amiadancer? said:

Yeah. I always felt like something I didn't understand was expected of me, and I couldn't figure out what it was or how to give it to the person.

 

On 10/21/2017 at 8:54 PM, Hey you in the corner said:

Yes. My limited dating experience consisted of me wondering what I was doing wrong because I found the whole experience so annoying and actively avoiding the guy I was seeing at the time. It got to the point where I felt genuine rage every time he wanted to do something, which wasn't fair as he was actually a nice guy. My first relationship ended because of the juvenility of the guy. In my second (and last) relationship, I realized how much I loath the activity of "dating" and my anxiety dropped significantly after I ended it. Besides, why would I need to date when I have a cat to cuddle? Pets are much less stressful companions. 

 

These sum up my dating experiences. I'm definitely on the aromantic spectrum, for the record. Even before I came to that conclusion, I would constantly be paranoid and anxious that I was doing something wrong. 

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I have very, very limited experience with dating and I've learned so far that I don't like it. It feels forced or like I'm putting on an act. It's a constant roller coaster of highs when things seem to be going well and extreme lows when things are off. I have never felt so anxious and nervous before. I'd much prefer a smooth transition into a relationship after establishing a deep platonic friendship over the course of a few years. I'm not sure about romance but I need to be extremely comfortable with someone before anything romantic or close to a relationship occurs. Otherwise it is just so stressful and anxiety-inducing. 

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What I find stressful is this overwhelming pressure in this community to convince everyone they should still date even if they aren’t attracted to anyone. 

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53 minutes ago, Just like Jughead said:

What I find stressful is this overwhelming pressure in this community to convince everyone they should still date even if they aren’t attracted to anyone. 

Weird. I have never read that anywhere on here.

 

re: topic

 

If you think of it as stressful, you just shouldn't do it. Engaging in interpersonal relationships should be an asset, not a burden.

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8 minutes ago, Homer said:

Weird. I have never read that anywhere on here.

 

re: topic

 

If you think of it as stressful, you just shouldn't do it. Engaging in interpersonal relationships should be an asset, not a burden.

I thought that’s what I just said. 

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Just now, Just like Jughead said:

I thought that’s what I just said. 

You mentioned a certain kind of pressure within this community that I have yet to come across...

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Heck yes, I find dating stressful. Part of it is meeting "strangers", part of it is having to dress in a way that will appeal to the date but may not be as comfortable to me. There's a lot of self esteem issues tied up in it as well.

and that's not even thinking about the fact that all my dates have been sexual and even the one I told I was ace to, I felt like he was still expecting sex at some point in the future.

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Haha, probs!

 

Now, I'm an introvert, so I sorta need time to recover my social quota or I will go into hermit mode because I will puff out. I am very romantic, I love, love! But it's just putting myself out there. I'm fine with dating, but it's just the social part, and having social anxiety isn't the best potion to drink. 

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I don't find romantic feelings stressful. What I find stressful is the effort that comes with it like finding places to go on dates, dressing up nicely for these dates, spending money on the significant other that would usually be for my comics etc.

 

On 31/10/2017 at 6:00 AM, Homer said:

You mentioned a certain kind of pressure within this community that I have yet to come across...

Not just you. I haven't come across this pressure on here either.

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Lotta_Biscotti

Everything about dating stresses me out. It's the expectations. Like everything from my usual ace-ness and often aro-ness to my hangups about commitment, my desire to not be around religion, to not have kids, let alone my need for a clean house with less than average clutter, and a desire for friendly chemistry. Like, I dunno how people juggle all the things that make them particular, unless they don't care. Sometimes I think that because they're sleeping together, or in love, all the other things get way less important. I think it's like, chemical or something. They're important to me. Is it because I'm a weird jigsaw piece among more geometric shapes, or because I'm not wrapped up in the whole song and dance.

 

That said, it's totally cool to be Aro, if you come to the conclusion that you are! Just because other people don't understand this doesn't mean you have a problem or that your feelings aren't valid. I can totally get why you'd be frustrated. And just because might not want romance doesn't mean you don't want friendship. You totally deserve to have a bestie if you want one. You don't need approval or even understanding for that; your feelings are valid. It's hard to explain that to other people who just take some things for granted.

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Before I knew I was ace I found dating stressful and absolutely exhausting. So I just started to completely avoid it. I hated the constant overlaying pressure of sex which wasn't helped by unwanted dick pics. I wished that I could find someone who wanted to take it slow and kind of go the "old fashioned" way of doing things. Eventually I became so disenfranchised by the prospect of dating that I pretty much swore it off. I had absolutely zero interest and was pretty repulsed by everything. I thought I wanted to be alone forever.

 

When I knew I was ace this all made so much more sense to me. I am still totally content with the prospect of ending up alone. It doesn't bother me at all. But now that Im aware of what I am, I know that I am actually open to having a relationship, just with no sex. The whole realization felt to relieving. 

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