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I think I might be lithromantic, but I feel distressed by it


featherdarling

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featherdarling

Okay, so I've had this odd tendency to be absolutely repulsed by friends/family members who give me affection (more on that later) and decent guys who have shown interest in me for the longest time. I've always assumed that there was something wrong with me, that maybe I have a severe case of commitment phobia (I found evidence of my father's affair when I was around 11 and my "boyfriend" at the same time was very douche-y so suffice to say that my biggest fear is being cheated on). Just earlier this week a guy was being flirty with me in class and I literally felt sick to my stomach. Prior to this I had a crush on him and would admire him from afar, but the minute he approached me and started chatting me up, all those feelings went magically away. I mean, I smiled a lot at him while he talked to me, but after reflecting on that encounter later on, I just felt the same way I had with other guys who had shown even the slightest interest.

 

It was confusing because I was both excited to see him and imagine what it'd be like to date him, but also felt sickened and violated (no exaggeration). If it means anything, I was molested by my friend's father at age 10? 12? Somewhere in that ballpark. So maybe that has something to do this too. Anyways, I purposely tried finding flaws in this now-ex crush to justify my repulsed feelings even though there is nothing wrong with him. I'd understand it if he was just plain creepy because it's natural to be disgusted by creepy guys. But this? This makes me feel so guilty because he seems genuinely interested. And I want to go back to crushing on him like before, but I can't.

 

Recently I learned about this forum and different romantic orientations on the ACE spectrum and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Slight relief because there are others like me and there's a name for what I have. But distress because how on earth do I cope with this? It seems like most people are okay with not having a romantic relationship, that platonic relationships are suffice. And while this is true for me to some extent, I do want to at least be able to casually date someone.

 

I'm not interested in serious relationships (as in super committed that might later lead to a marriage proposal... yikes) or having kids bc either is just not for me. (Though my mother thinks I'm going through a phase and believes that people like me are the first to get married.) I like fantasizing about being physically affectionate and intimate with a guy I like. I like romantic comedies and root for two people to get together. (But then it gets boring once they get together and I no longer all that much because it just isn't the same without that initial chemistry that got me all excited in the first place.)

 

I want to be with someone, love them, do lovey-dovey stuff, (I don't think I'm repulsed by sex, but I wouldn't know for sure because I'm still a virgin) but not make our love official if that makes sense. Like my ideal relationship would be living with a guy I like/love, but never having kids or actually be married to them. I don't hate men; in fact, I like crushing on different kinds of guys I would probably never date in real life because our personalities would clash, but still it's fun to feel young and innocent and in love. And the guys who would make great potential partners usually don't notice me and I often imagine being friends, bantering and asking for help on homework, then slowly become lovers with such people. I get disappointed upon discovering that my crushes have girlfriends, or someone they seem interested in, but I move on and quickly find a different guy to crush on.

 

My question is, and I sincerely hope that I don't offend anyone, but how do I deal with this (repulsion)? I don't want to feel disgusted by every guy who might end up wanting to date me. Like if they act all flirty, I want to be able to approach them without wanting to gag. And by the way, this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, just for clarification. I'm a straight cis-female that likes guys.

 

It isn't fair to them because they might want to be with me but can't because of my "problem." I don't want to spend my life being alone forever. I want to experiment with the concept of dating for a bit, see if it's right for me, and live my life according to what I happen to find. But I can't even do just that. 

 

Any advice, thoughts? Am I supposed to avoid guys who show interest so that I don't lead them on and hurt them? Do I suck it up and hope that these feelings go away?

 

 

 

 

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You may not like hearing this, but have you considered therapy?

I'm not saying get therapy in order to cure yourself of your potential lithromanticism (that shouldn't be your goal, your goal should be to work through what happened to you, and having your feelings on romance change may be a side effect of that), but I am saying you can't be 100% sure you're lithromantic until you work through what happened to you. I know there's a stigma on getting professional help, but find a way around that? I think therapy could probably be beneficial to most of the population.

 

It's possible for you to have developed this way because of trauma. What happened to you isn't necessarily the cause of what you're experiencing, but it is possible that it influenced you. It's also entirely possible that you were ace the entire time. We don't know.

 

I tend to advise people against seeing a therapist if they want to change their orientation for someone else's sake (they want to be 'normal' or they want to please their partner), but I would advise people to do that if they want to change for their own sake and their own happiness (so if they're ace, they don't want sex, but they want to want sex).

You seem to fall in the second category.

 

Take my advice or don't, that's up to you.

 

On another note, please be aware that repulsion is a separate factor from whether you're ace/aro. There are people who are repulsed, but still experience attraction and desire, and there are aces/aros who aren't repulsed at all.

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featherdarling

I'm terribly sorry for insinuating that all aces/aros are repulsed by sex. I just meant that I'm only repulsed and lose interest once a guy's shown interest, but I feel good about other areas (i.e kissing, hand-holding, sex etc.). Someone wrote that it's like a conflict between "in theory" and "in practice." In theory it'd be nice to be in a relationship and all that, but actually being in one loses its appeal or something like that.

 

The reason I haven't considered therapy for whatever it is I have, is that I have already moved past my past trauma, so I didn't think it was necessary. When it happened I didn't even know what was going on until many years later. Recalling that memory isn't particularly traumatic, but I suppose the body still remembers and recoils at any advances, no matter how genuine and harmless.

 

I have read up on some other threads on lithromanticism and find it amazing that I relate to everything people post. The aforementioned crush in my previous post is just one of many guys who made me feel repulsed. Once a guy started showing apparent interest, I'd avoid him like the plague. I would think it was strange to be suddenly turned off for no real reason, but never connected the dots. Or whenever guys asked me out I'd panic and want out of the situation. Not because they're ugly or anything, but it's like my fantasies of wanting to date someone turn into reluctance and possibly fear, and at that moment, I'm beginning to grasp what that fantasy would look like in reality. And suddenly I don't want to do any of that. Everything was going too fast. 

 

Perhaps one of the greatest relationships I had was one with a fellow classmate. He was funny and made me feel comfortable, and we would tease each other back and forth in class. I certainly liked him, but was fine with just keeping our relationship platonic. The reason it lasted (temporarily, which is unfortunate) is because I was certain my feelings weren't reciprocated. It was nice to crush on him and wonder if he liked me back, even slightly, but at the end of the day I knew he was just being friendly like he was with other people. 

 

 

 

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15 hours ago, featherdarling said:

I'm terribly sorry for insinuating that all aces/aros are repulsed by sex.

Oh no I didn't mean to say that I was offended by anything you said at all! I just wanted you to know that those are different things, for your own sake! You have nothing to be sorry for!

 

15 hours ago, featherdarling said:

I have read up on some other threads on lithromanticism and find it amazing that I relate to everything people post.

I'm glad you found a label that fits :) 

 

15 hours ago, featherdarling said:

Recalling that memory isn't particularly traumatic, but I suppose the body still remembers and recoils at any advances, no matter how genuine and harmless.

Yeah... about that... My sister is in therapy for something that happened to her now, she thought she was over it as well, but it turns out to have affected her more than she knew. Her psychologist made her write about what happened to her in first person present time, in order to get her really immersed. She had to write exactly what was happening to her and what she was thinking and feeling while it happened. She thought she'd be fine, but turns out she wasn't even able to finish writing, that's how much it hurt.

I suspect that if it still affects you to a point that any advances make you recoil, you may not be entirely over it.

 

(Disclaimer 1: I'm still not saying you should get a therapist in order to 'fix' your orientation, but I do hope it will be easier for you to deal with advances in the future. It can't be easy to be that repulsed whenever someone shows interest.

Disclaimer 2: In my previous post I said I thought you fell in the first category, because you said you wanted 'lovey-dovey stuff', but I think I misjudged on that. Really, I'm just trying to give people the advice that I think will make them happiest in the long run, but sometimes I mess up. It happens. That's why you never take what anonymous people on the internet say at face value¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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  • 4 months later...

i feel the exact same way and i am SO confused, i just posted my own question and im still struggling to figure out what i identify as. the only difference 

between us is ive never experienced such sexual trauma and im so sorry you had to go through those things

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