There's nothing I can do

[Emerald147]

Hey, I'm new here (God, that title seems so desperate) and I've known I was agender for years but only for that past two or three have I been experiencing body dysmorphia but there isn't much I can do about it. Honestly, I'd love to wear a binder - even with some of the negative side affects - but I'm not allowed too have one. I'm only 14 (but, like I've said, I've known I was agender for a really long time and I'm really tired of people treating me differently because I'm younger) so none of it is my decision and no matter what I say, my mum simply won't let me have one. If I could I'd buy one on my own and wear it only at school but I know my school would ask my parents about it for heath reasons (I understand that, and that's not really the problem). I just know that I'll never wear one without my mum's permission and I'm not getting that. 

 

The body dysmorphia is only getting worse and I can't look in a mirror, or at myself, without feeling like somethings horribly wrong and disfigured. It's gotten to the point where I'm happy if someone misgenders me as a boy because at least then I might pass as either - I'm not expecting people to be able to tell from the way I look that I'm agender, but I'd prefer if it wasn't obvious either way. Though, I do think it doesn't matter if I wear a binder, my mum wants me to wait until I'm older and just have top surgery but, the way I see it, I'd heve surgery either way - to fix what the binder changed, or just top surgery. But there really isn't anything I can do so this is more of a rant than anything. 

 

On a slightly separate note, a girl at my school decided to change her name (nothing massive and not because of her gender at all) and she gets really mad when people use her old name. Maybe it's just me, but this kind of annoys me - I went through months of people using the wrong name and pronouns (and I'm still dealing with it) and I never got annoyed or angry. This is, like I said, a very different subject to what I was just talking about but it's been bugging me.

[K.I.N.G]

Welcome to Aven! I hope you find some peace and support here! 

 

Not having a binder sucks - have you tried going down the double sports bra rout?  The beast way ive found to deal with top dysphoria is to wear thick-ish men's hoodies and hunch my shoulders slightly - also dark colours/patterns help make them less noticeable.  

Also i can wholly see why your classmate's behavior annoys you - if people can get use to using her new name then they really should have no problem or excuse for getting your name/pronouns correct.

 

Good luck and hope you find something that helps!