acetronaut11 Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 (APOLOGIES AHEAD OF TIME FOR THIS BEING SO LONG LOL) So I'm pretty certain I'm asexual, but I'm having a hard time determining what I'm feeling when it comes to romantic attraction. I've never been in a relationship, and with the very few (2-3) "crushes" I've had in my entire life so far (I'm 22), I never had any "romantic" feelings of wanting to hold their hand, or kiss them, or even really to go out on a date with them or anything - aka things I've heard about in movies, on TV, from my friends, etc. Instead, it's just kind of this weird pull towards these people, although definitely not in a sexual way and I'm not sure if it's in a romantic way either. The first one is kind of complicated and the details are sort of hazy since it happened such a long time ago, but the other two are still relatively recent, so those are the ones I'm going to focus on here. With the first one, this guy had been one of my best friends in middle school, but it wasn't until the end of high school that I started feeling kind of different about him. We went to different high schools and didn't really talk after leaving middle school, but we were friends on facebook so I'd occasionally see his posts and everything. I noticed he started getting into the same kinds of music as me and had a bunch of interests that were similar to mine, and ever since then, even now, I just kind of... feel... different towards him. It's like, after I saw these new connections between us, it made me like him even more. But is it an actual crush, or is it just a squish? Could I possibly be demiromantic? I mean I did get a little jealous when I found out he had a girlfriend... The next one, however, was totally different. It was the first day of junior year of high school, and this kid I had never seen before sat down one row away from me. I remember actively trying to pay attention as the teacher went through roll to find out what his name was. From then on, I was fixated on him. It was like something was pulling my focus towards him. I'd be conscious of him whenever he was in the room. I remember I used to notice weird/little things about him like how he would sit, and how his lips and mouth moved when he talked. He sat behind me in one of our classes, and I'd always be aware of what I'd say to him, how I was sitting, how my hair looked. I'd get kind of nervous if we had to pass papers back or if we had to get into groups - I wanted to interact with him, but it also made me anxious. Not too overly anxious or anything, but it was there. This whole time though, I never thought of him in a romantic way (at least consciously). I didn't feel compelled to date him, I never imagined us doing things together. I never even considered him a "crush" until recently after I found out about ace/aro stuff and really started digging in. Within the past couple years I found out through facebook, like the previous guy, that he was also into the same music and had a lot of the same interests as me, and I grew to like him more as well. When I found out he's also a musician himself, and now in a band, I practically swooned. Like the last guy, I also got a little jealous when I found out he had a girlfriend, so that leads me to think there might be something there, in both cases. Anyway, I've just been a little confused about all of this recently. I thought I might be demiromantic, but my experiences with this last guy were so different from what I know about demiromanticism that I don't know what to think anymore. There's this thing I do where I actively try to picture these guys and I doing "romantic" activities together, and I'm like "yeah, I would totally do that". But those thoughts/feelings never come on their own just by seeing them or being around them. Instead of "I want to kiss him right now" or "I want to date him" (as an unconscious response), it's more of an "I would kiss him" or "I would date him" (as a result of actually thinking about us in those situations and trying to imagine what it would be like). I've tried this mental exercise with other people, including those I've just had a general aesthetic attraction towards, and I've never had the same response. With them, I'm always just like "meh" or "lol no way". But with these guys, there's just something different about them - especially the second one. I don't think I'd ever experienced anything like that before. I guess the basis of my confusion is just that I don't know what romantic attraction is and if/when I've ever felt it. I know romantic attraction and the idea of romance differs from person to person, so it's just hard for me to know if what I've experienced is romantic attraction or not. If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, or any similar experiences, I'd love to hear them. Thanks in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Hmm, you could be platonioromantic/quoiroromatic (same thing) which means that you are unable to differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction. 🤔 Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 There's a big list of romantic orientations here that you can check out. Link to post Share on other sites
Rynn Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 Hmm I don't know, that's tough. Have you ever heard of lithromantic (you feel attraction to people, but there's no desire for reciprocation or actually acting on that attraction)? Maybe you could look into that? Like you, I do experience romantic attraction (and wanting to hold hands, hug and, once, even kiss someone. I've never really wanted to date though, in my experience that's usually awkward), but sometimes I do kind of wonder whether I actually want a relationship or not. It seems I have a very low 'romantic drive' (romantic equivalent to 'sex drive'. I don't know if that's an actual thing.) Personally I've decided on just calling myself romantic asexual. Cuz that was the easiest one. Link to post Share on other sites
acetronaut11 Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 24 minutes ago, Lichley said: There's a big list of romantic orientations here that you can check out. Wow, thanks, this goes really in depth. I'll definitely give it a look-through. Link to post Share on other sites
acetronaut11 Posted October 19, 2017 Author Share Posted October 19, 2017 32 minutes ago, Laurann said: I've never really wanted to date though, in my experience that's usually awkward This just reminded me that, when people do ask me out, I get really awkward and panicked and I'm just like, "...uh thanks, but no thanks". It's like the thought of going out with someone immediately triggers something and I just want to get as far away from the situation as possible. At least with all of the people that have asked me out so far. But to be fair, I don't think I had any sort of attraction to them anyway, not even aesthetic. So perhaps it would be different and I'd be willing to give it a try if the offer came from someone I did find attractive in at least some way. Link to post Share on other sites
sweater_aegyo_angel Posted January 22, 2018 Share Posted January 22, 2018 Sorry I'm soooo late... Maybe what you're experiencing is alterous attraction? I would definitely recommend that you look into that term; it might help. Link to post Share on other sites
Aroace...Artimus Posted January 23, 2018 Share Posted January 23, 2018 Like what @sweater_aegyo_angel said, you might be feeling alterous attraction. Though this might make no sense and seem complex, it is. Alterous attraction tends to make things quite complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
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