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Sexually Repulsed / Sexual Aversion


JD2017

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Hi,

 

I am a gay men who had been in a long distance relationship for the last one year. The person that I was with was non sexual. Based on what he has told me is that  he is not attracted or interested in girls or guys. Therefore, I believed that he is asexual. He comes from a religious and cultural background. He was married to a girl at a young age 21 and he consummated the marriage 2 months after the marriage and he was with his ex wife for 2 years and out of that time he had sex with her 2 times. He then left the marriage. He is on the streets and living with friends. He is a very nice person. We met after 7 months, when I met him he said that he gets repulsed, averted and disgusted by sex, porn, nudity. The signs and symptoms included throwing up, and sick to his stomach.  He is not aroused, he does not masturbate. Can someone help me, because I am not sure what is his problem. Is he asexual? are asexual repulsed, averted when they try to have sex. Are there any signs or symptoms that asexuals experience when they try to have sex? I told him that he is not gay, he could be straight. We are very intimate together. We have a close connection together. I know he cares about me, I am willing to be celibate just to be with him. We went to see a psychiatric, and they did blood test on him and they said his health is ok and testosterone levels are fine. One thing is clear, that he is not interested in girls or guys and he is not attracted to anyone. He feels disgusted by sex and does not turn on by porn or sex. 

Girls have tried to date him but he runs away from them, he decline requests from other gay guys and girls. He is very straight looking and acting. He is very connected with me. Can someone please help! Thank you

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Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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7 minutes ago, JD2017 said:

he is not attracted to anyone....     Is he asexual?

Well, not being sexually attracted to people is the definition of asexual, so I'd say he sounds like he's asexual, but he's the only one who can decide that.

 

5 minutes ago, JD2017 said:

are asexual repulsed, averted when they try to have sex.

Some are, some aren't.

 

6 minutes ago, JD2017 said:

Are there any signs or symptoms that asexuals experience when they try to have sex?

It's not a disease, it's an orientation. Do you experience any symptoms during sex because you're gay? Didn't think so.

 

8 minutes ago, JD2017 said:

He is very straight looking and acting.

That really doesn't matter. Your orientation has nothing to do with how you look (or whether you're from a religious background for that matter), it has to do with attraction and desire.

 

He can still be romantically attracted to you, and you can have a romantic relationship with him, but having a sexual relationship will be difficult. You're going to have to decide whether you can deal with that, being with someone but not having sex with them.

 

Spoiler

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Laurann, thank you so much for responding, I want to sincerely thank you. It will be very difficult not easy but we will talk about it and work out. There has been a lot of up downs and conflicts between us. He had said that even a girl had tried to have sex with him, he was distant and not interested. He runs away from girls or guys. I had a hard time believing him, I used to judge him and not believe in him. He hated the fact that I did not believe him. As I said, he is turned off by girls or guys. What makes it difficult is that I have not experienced a relationship with anyone in this situation. Yes, he is very comfortable with me, he is happy to be with me. However, as I said that he is not into hugging, kissing, sex and feels distant. 

I have hurt him and he has hurt me on many occasions, because I had no idea what to believe. I tried to leave him many times and he did not let me.

After we met, I had concluded that there is no hope for a connection or relationship. I tried living him and it was difficult for both of us. I had told him that it is over as there is no hope. He didn't want to be the barrier to my happiness. But now that I understand I believe I am willing to be more understanding of his asexual orientation. 

 

What is causing a lot of stress for me and for him is that I don't understand it. I also had a hard time believing him. It was very difficult for me to understand and I had a hard time believing that he was asexual, and not interested in girls or guys.  I also had a hard time believing that he would be disgusted by sex, porn, and why would he be so distant,

The questions that I have still going on in my mind are the following:

 

1. If I should trust him?  I have been reluctant and doubtful 

2. If he is asexual, why is he repulsed, disgusted by sex, he hates kissing, hugging or initiating anything? Are there other asexuals like him?

3. Our relationship is just a connection- like your connecting with your mother or father, we are intimidate; our relationship is not sex based. 

4. how can I make our relationship to work better. 

 

Please help thank you, 

 

 

 

 

 

and scare is the following: If I should 

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1. If I should trust him? 

Not knowing the person I can't answer that.

 

2. If he is asexual, why is he repulsed, disgusted by sex, he hates kissing, hugging or initiating anything? Are there other asexuals like him?

Asexual basically just means lack of sexual desire, from there it's different across the board. Some asexual people are simply indifferent to sex, and other are completely turned off by it. The same goes for things like kissing or hugging, it depends on the person.

 

3. Our relationship is just a connection- like your connecting with your mother or father, we are intimidate; our relationship is not sex based.

That may be the type of relationship this person wants. 

 

4. how can I make our relationship to work better.

Better communication. If this person is in fact asexual it can be difficult to try and understand. It's hard even for asexual people to understand. If you are going to make it work you are going to have to better understand what they actually want in a relationship, and that's something they may not know themselves. Perhaps you can make compromises to meet each others needs. In all likelihood you will both have to make sacrifices to make it work.

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This sounds like a very rocky relationship. It is hard to know for sure, but it sounds like you have completely disbelieved him when he stated his preferences (bad) and you have tried to leave and he's not let you (I know there is a bit of language barrier here, but if he is forcing you to stay when you want out, that is a dangerous situation, and I suggest fleeing. Forcing people to stay in relationships is very bad. Stay safe). What is clear from what you write, is that this guy does not want to kiss or have sex with you, so if that is something you want and is important to you, you are likely to end up unhappy.

 

Believing him when he says something sounds like a good starting point. But you have to answer the question yourself. Do you trust him? It isn't a good idea to be in a relationship with someone you don't trust.

 

I can't say why someone is sex repulsed, but it is clear that he is. Some people are, so yes, there are others like him. I'll add that, this is not something you can change. He's told you what he is, and you're gonna have to believe him.

 

I cannot tell you what your relationship is, or what to do about it. I think what you should ask yourself is, are you happy with him? Assuming he will not change, would you stay?

 

It sounds to me like you want ideas to fix him. This is a bad idea. While it is true that both physical and mental problems can affect how people feel about sex, but you already had him checked. You are going to have to face the idea that this might not be for an outside cause. It may simply be who he is, and in that case, trying to change him would be both impossible, and downright cruel.

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