Can demisexuals have crushes?

[Alien_Ash]

I'm 95% sure I'm demisexual, but a very romantic one at that. I've thought that maybe I'm panromantic but demisexual for a while, because I've been in love before but only once have I thought of doing the do with someone (although we never actually did it, since neither of us are old enough and wouldn't want to do something we regretted, and we are no longer together). Am I 'not demisexual enough' if I have a crush on someone?

 

It's not someone I know personally at all - it's a singer, and I just think he's attractive. I'm not sexually attracted to him, nor do I ever imagine us together or anything, I just think he's good looking. It isn't a major "I need to date him" schoolgirl crush or anything.

 

I'm really confused because some people tell me that demisexuals have crushes and some people tell me that they have to know the guy first - but wouldn't that be demisexual AND demiromantic? Every time I figure out something, something else contradicts that. 

[TheAP]

Yes, demisexuals can have crushes. Demisexuality only pertains to sexual attraction, and doesn't affect one's romantic orientation.

[Rynn]

1 hour ago, Alien_Ash said:

some people tell me that demisexuals have crushes and some people tell me that they have to know the guy first - but wouldn't that be demisexual AND demiromantic?

Yes, you're right, that would be demisexual and demiromantic.

 

1 hour ago, Alien_Ash said:

I'm not sexually attracted to him, nor do I ever imagine us together or anything, I just think he's good looking. It isn't a major "I need to date him" schoolgirl crush or anything.

Could also be aesthetic attraction. Or it could be a romantic crush. What do I know.

 

Spoiler

 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

There's nothing wrong with having crushes since you can identify as demisexual/demiromantic both at the same time, just like me for example. No contradiction included. You don't have to necessarily know someone in person to experience mental attration (as sort of having a crush on someone) while it's most essential for physical attration in real life.

[Rosendust]

I identify as Demisexual, and I have had numerous crushes.

[Star Bit]

9 hours ago, Alien_Ash said:

It's not someone I know personally at all - it's a singer, and I just think he's attractive. I'm not sexually attracted to him, nor do I ever imagine us together or anything, I just think he's good looking. It isn't a major "I need to date him" schoolgirl crush or anything.

 

I'm really confused because some people tell me that demisexuals have crushes and some people tell me that they have to know the guy first - but wouldn't that be demisexual AND demiromantic?

Thinking someone's attractive isn't a crush. (is it Andy Biersack?)

 

Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their beauty and/or mannerisms (like a captivating sunset), which is different from just recognizing good looks/what’s aesthetically pleasing.

 

Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

 

Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). This is the base requirement, but some people also have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those can also be symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react mentally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc. And others may feel it light enough (compared to the norm) that there is no clear line between crushes and wanting emotional closeness (so if a squish aka friend crush doesn’t go away after the desired bond is reached or sexual/non-platonic desires are present it’s a crush).

 

 

What you've heard of Demisexuals seems to be correct but it has nothing to do with demisexuality; some demisexuals are also demiromantic (as you correctly stated) and some aren't. As others have said, sexuality refers to sex; relationships are a separate matter. And demisexual isn't an orientation (i.e. something that refers to WHO someone sexually desires); saying someone's demisexual alone makes no sense; it's a prefix you add to your orientation that refers to HOW someone comes to desire sex; Demi-Pansexual. But needing trust/a bond before desiring sex is completely normal for allosexual people. What makes Demisexuals is that they need an abnormal span of time before that happens. If the required time is about a month then that's very normal. If you're not sure if that one time was due to trust or just it being rarely felt in general (which honestly isn't a conclusive number) then Gray-(hetero/homo/bi/pan)sexual is an option; as rarely sexually desiring others and Demi are under this umbrella term. If you're Demi both romantically and sexually then Demi-Pansexual can suffice.

[Moonchaser]

I would think almost anyone can have a crush.

 

But, to me, a crush seems to be more often a projection that may or may not be a precursor to a potential relationship. One can, for instance, have a crush on someone one never even expects to meet. It may lead to something else, but what I think of as simply a crush that doesn't necessarily lead to a relationship, is (through my filter of interest in Jungian thought) more a case of projecting an aspect of oneself onto the other - for whatever reason. Sometimes something we need to develop in ourselves, sometimes something we just aren't able to see in ourselves but others can, or looking for an ideal, an archetype, and seeing some reflection of that in another person. Projections have hooks, so it's about noticing something in the other that serves as a hook, because the person with the crush has an unconscious need or desire to develop or explore that. Even relationships that turn into love start out that way. Then, once the two people see each other as they really are, beyond the projection, they decide whether they can stay in the relationship with the real, flawed human being.

 

In other words, I don't think that whether one can have crushes has that much to do with whether one is asexual or not, or aromantic or not. They're a human occurrence, which is why I don't really buy into the difference between a crush and a squish.