I Don't Hate Lesbians (And, Hopefully, Neither Do You)

[gaogao]

14 hours ago, Galaxy Chaser said:

Some discussion was brought up when a lesbian pointed out that she felt uncomfortable with female, 'homoromantic' asexuals referring to themselves as 'gay', 'lesbian', or using any lesbian identifiers. She said that, since they weren't sexually attracted to women, they shouldn't use those terms. Since then, it has gone into a discussion about whether or not MOGAI/SAM are positive, and many other things.

I've heard this before but I actually think the inclination to prevent homoromantic asexuals from using the words 'gay' or 'lesbian' to describe themselves feeds into the third point about internalized homophobia. If homoromantic aces aren't allowed to claim the gay/lesbian labels because we don't experience sexual attraction, even though we form relationships that look like any other same-sex relationship from the outside, what does that actually mean for us? It sets us apart completely from other gay/lesbian people despite any overlaps in our experience and we can either take that positively or negatively - which feeds either into invalidation or asexual elitism.

 

To anyone who doesn't know that I am asexual, my relationship with my girlfriend looks exactly like any other lesbian relationship and I face many of the same issues as all lesbians face in terms of legal or societal challenges. Whose business is it except hers whether or not I have/want to have sex with her? Since I face almost exactly the same issues as any other lesbian, as do any other homoromantic asexuals, I don't think there's any reason for us not to use the label...

 

[NerotheReaper]

That is strange, and really sad. Why divide and hate? I have never heard of this 'rivalry' between lesbians and aces. For me I don't care about someone's religion, sexuality, gender identity, nationality, etc. Long as you are a good and kind person I won't have a problem with someone. 

[Kururin]

3 hours ago, gaogao said:

She said that, since they weren't sexually attracted to women, they shouldn't use those terms.

Uggggggh, this sounds like something Tumblr members say.

 

To get one thing straight, idc if people like sex. If you like it, then you like it. I won't judge. But here's the problem, as soon as aces tell people that 'oh, we don't feel any sexual attraction and stuffs' we get varying reactions from 'oh, okay! all finsies' to this. Who cares if homoromantic lesbians are not sexually attracted to women? I didn't know there was a criteria I had to check to qualify to be a lesbian (and while I'm not homoromantic, I personally think that you just have to be attracted to girls to be lesbian) I don't use those terms because.. well I'm not completely homoromantic, but seriously? The relationship is still like a normal relationship! Just not without the sex. Does not having a relationship with sex means that it doesn't count to be a lesbian? As long the love is there, it doesn't matter. 

 

This, and the huge 'you don't experience X and Y so you're not Z' validation contest are what make me very ranty. 

[gaogao]

1 hour ago, nemu_X said:

as soon as aces tell people that 'oh, we don't feel any sexual attraction and stuffs' we get varying reactions from 'oh, okay! all finsies' to this. Who cares if homoromantic lesbians are not sexually attracted to women?

I think part of the issue is that many aces like to make a point that we don't feel any sexual attraction, which is true, but because society frowns upon sexuality while also being obsessed with it, many sexuals feel shame for having sexual feelings, especially women, and especially gay people who are often reduced only to 'sex'.

 

So homoromantic women saying that they don't feel sexual attraction simultaneously feeds into the awful stereotype of 'chaste' women and nonsexual relationships being more 'pure' while sexual gays and especially lesbians are hyper-sexualised because of the male gaze. I think this causes a lot of resentment.

 

I dunno if any of this makes sense and I'm probably not expressing it well, but basically I think the issue is to do with society's views on sex - especially the sexualisation of lesbians, women and same-sex relationships - rather than to do with asexuals actually not feeling sexual attraction at all. We need to remember that experiencing / not experiencing sexual attraction doesn't make anyone better or worse than anyone else.... it's just a weird social dynamic that plays on people's insecurities.

 

Of course, feed this all through tumblr and it makes everyone hate everyone, so there's that.

[GreenWithEnby]

Thank you, everyone, for weighing in. I really just wasn't sure if it was just me or not, and it's sad to see that more people have come into contact with this weird series of events. Hopefully, all this will be resolved as quickly as possible, I'd hate to see this continue on for any more, uh... years.

[Tos]

i've only seen it occasionally cross my tumblr dash in the form of ace blogs countering this internalized homophobia bs "discourse". thanksfully my little corner of tumblr is populated by reasonable human beings.