How do I identify myself?

[Dantalion]

Hello there! I have trouble identifying my sexual and romantic orientation.
I've never had any romantic or sexual relationships, and I rarely experience sexual attraction to people around me. My few crushes have been platonic most of the time.
I fantasize about having sex with both guys and girls, but this feeling of arousal fades out quickly. I do get uncomfortable around couples displaying physical affection like kissing/grabbing in real life, however, I'm okay with innocent cuddling or holding hands. I feel like I need to establish a very strong emotional bond to fall in love and to get sexually involved.
I believe that I belong to the demisexual community, but I'm not so sure about the romantic part. How do I know if I haven't had any romantic or sexual experience?

 

 

Update: after doing some research, I guess I am pretty close to grey-romantic. Only time can tell though

[Puck]

First off, welcome to AVEN!! I hope it can be a great resource for you!  

 

It's ok to identify as nothing or identify as something and change later when you learn more about yourself/about sexuality over all. That's totally normal, after all there is no time limit on understanding yourself

 

First off, I want to point out that many bi/homo/hetero sexuals still need some sort of emotion bond to want to have sex with each other. That's totally normal and wonderful. I'm not saying you are one of those labels, just saying that just because you need more than looks to feel attracted to someone sexually doesn't mean you aren't one of those labels.

 

As for your romantic orientation, that you'll have to figure out on your own. Unfortunately, no one can truly have your experience and thus no one can really tell you exactly how you are feeling. I would say that it's wise to allow yourself some time to understand and learn about yourself. Once again, it's ok to identify as nothing, so if you aren't sure, you have all the time in the world to figure it out. I'd suggest to keep yourself open, learn what you are interested in romantically. If someone is appealing to you, pursue that and see what happens. If eventually you loose interest or find it wasn't what you were hoping for, do some soul searching to figure out why.

 

Good luck, and know that you can always return to places like AVEN to ask questions  We aren't experts, but we are happy to support you!

[Dantalion]

Thank you for a warm welcome! 

I guess I have a long journey of self-discovery ahead of me!

 

I just feel like a black sheep among my friends and peers who are about to get married and start a family, that's what made me question my sexuality so much lately 

[Puck]

2 hours ago, Dantalion said:

Thank you for a warm welcome! 

I guess I have a long journey of self-discovery ahead of me!

 

I just feel like a black sheep among my friends and peers who are about to get married and start a family, that's what made me question my sexuality so much lately 

A long journey is fine! I know I hade one

 

And I know that feeling of feeling like a black sheep. I live in a place that is rather caught up in hook-up culture, which as an aseuxal I have no interest in (though, most sexuals actually don't really like it either, for the record). Plus, we don't have a very open dialogue about sex in our culture, and the only dialogue about it is this idea that everyone wants to have sex with "hot" people just because of how they look :/

 

Point is, it's ok to be and feel different and I hope that your journey is helpful, makes you feel confident and happy with yourself, and leads you to a relationship that fulfills you

[Moonchaser]

WELCOME!

 

It's pretty much up to you. What I did when I first came across the word "asexual" was I did as much reading as I could. I thought at first I might be demi or gray, but the more I thought about it, especially about my personal experiences, thoughts, attractions, etc, the more I realized I wasn't at all demi or gray. It took quite a lot of thought, though, going over what draws me to people, my dating experiences, my marriage experiences, just going over memories and feelings, basically. I don't think anyone else can do that for you.

[Dantalion]

3 hours ago, Puck said:

A long journey is fine! I know I hade one

 

And I know that feeling of feeling like a black sheep. I live in a place that is rather caught up in hook-up culture, which as an aseuxal I have no interest in (though, most sexuals actually don't really like it either, for the record). Plus, we don't have a very open dialogue about sex in our culture, and the only dialogue about it is this idea that everyone wants to have sex with "hot" people just because of how they look :/

 

Point is, it's ok to be and feel different and I hope that your journey is helpful, makes you feel confident and happy with yourself, and leads you to a relationship that fulfills you

Thank you for the podcast — couldn't agree more! Hook-up culture really is a tricky and destructive issue (also potentially dangerous!).

 

Well, I guess it is just a social norm these days, to force sex on everyone and everything! But thanks to communities like this, the odd ones don't feel so isolated 

[Dantalion]

30 minutes ago, Moonchaser said:

WELCOME!

 

It's pretty much up to you. What I did when I first came across the word "asexual" was I did as much reading as I could. I thought at first I might be demi or gray, but the more I thought about it, especially about my personal experiences, thoughts, attractions, etc, the more I realized I wasn't at all demi or gray. It took quite a lot of thought, though, going over what draws me to people, my dating experiences, my marriage experiences, just going over memories and feelings, basically. I don't think anyone else can do that for you.

Thank you! Now I feel pretty confident about finding a label for myself, even though I have a lot of research to go through! I don't really like labels, but they help to communicate and find our true selves, right?