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Uncomfortable with Romance?


Seclusion

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So this is something recent that just occurred to me because I started 'dating' about a month or two ago. Maybe I'm overthinking it (I probably am), but I'm a little scared because I don't have any romantic feelings toward my boyfriend yet. I see him as more of a friend. It makes me feel guilty though because he seems to really feel something for me, and I feel like I'm missing something. We get along pretty well and we have a lot of similarities, which makes me think we're pretty compatible, but for some reason something isn't clicking for me. When he does 'cute' or romantic-ish things for me it makes me uncomfortable and feel like I don't deserve it. I think I could have mistaken being intrigued by him for attraction at one point.

I'm 17 and I don't think I've ever felt sexual attraction before, and now I'm not even sure if I've ever felt romantically attracted to someone either. I think I've had a few short-lived 'crushes' (maybe?) but they were a really long time ago and I never acted on them. I don't like having crushes. I feel like romance is something I could possibly achieve later on someday just because everyone else has, but when I see it in books or movies I think it's so overrated and idealistic so I try to avoid anything with too much romance in it. I don't really viscerally understand what the characters are feeling. When others have talked about dating and relationships and 'oh he's so hot' kind of thing, I've always felt left out and kind of alien or slightly bored. I'm afraid that this might be a result of subconscious repression or anxiety or general lack of experience. The problem is, I also think that I'd like to have a relationship one day (because it looks like a good thing that brings people a lot of happiness), so I'm very confused.

 

P.S.

Sorry that this post lacks structure!! 😬

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4 minutes ago, Seclusion said:

I'm a little scared because I don't have any romantic feelings toward my boyfriend yet. I see him as more of a friend.

As someone who is dating someone who is aromantic and I fall more on the romantic scale, there is an interesting combination. First, if you push yourself to find romantic feelings for your partner you're most likely going to push your partner away. Second, being in a relationship (despite what media says) is literally a deeper level of friendship. As your relationship is newer, you don't need to have higher levels of trust in your partner. You simply should just enjoy being around them and doing activities with them. Third, accept the gift unless they're ridiculously overdone (diamond necklace on the third date; that sounds ridiculous but I knew someone who had to turn this down). It's his way of saying he is enjoying being with you in a physical format instead of just saying it. Fourth, and I mean this, don't be a limp fish. Relationships take work on both sides, if you are aromantic it's going to be difficult for you to understand certain things but it's on you to decide if it's worth it to try to learn them. Here is a quick test about love languages and what means the most to you in a romantic relationship. Find out his, find out yours, communicate on what you want in your relationship. Does he like being reminded that you enjoy being with him? Do you like having random hugs? Would he enjoy a random note left saying that you enjoyed something? Fifth, any long-lasting relationship will tell you, communicate with your partner.  I kid you not, this is the most important if you're in a rom-rom relationship, aro-aro relationship, or a combination of all or anything. As soon as you stop communicating, your relationship is doomed. 

Moral of the story, dating as an aromantic takes work. Be honest with yourself and tell him if you think you're aromantic. It can feel devastating to the romantic partner to think that your partner "will never love you" but if you are aromantic, you're going to find that if you are in a relationship that you are still able to love people. It might not be the same as a romantic love, but after you've been in a relationship for a long time, relationships aren't based on romantic love anymore. 

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So the question seems to be, do you actually want this relationship? I tend towards the side of don't do things you are uncomfortable with. You don't have to force yourself to be comfortable with something that isn't working for you. I can't judge your feelings, not completely, but I tried to convince myself to stop being uncomfortable with a romantic relationship, and it did not last long. You do say 'yet' which suggests you think you may develop romantic feelings later, and if that's the case, then great^^ Just don't try to talk your way out of your feelings.

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13 minutes ago, HonoraryJedi said:

So the question seems to be, do you actually want this relationship? I tend towards the side of don't do things you are uncomfortable with. You don't have to force yourself to be comfortable with something that isn't working for you. I can't judge your feelings, not completely, but I tried to convince myself to stop being uncomfortable with a romantic relationship, and it did not last long. You do say 'yet' which suggests you think you may develop romantic feelings later, and if that's the case, then great^^ Just don't try to talk your way out of your feelings.

Well, I say 'yet' more because I feel like I should feel something like romantic feelings for him by now but I generally don't feel anything like that...I thought I did maybe a short while before dating but somehow they completely dissipated. I feel like it was just because he was my first guy friend that I was really interested him (also he was being really nice which threw me off so I had no idea how to react). I'm hoping I develop feelings for him sooner or later though because otherwise I feel as if I'm wasting both of our times:(

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celestialwhims

This is a very justified question. Firstly, though, you have to remember that relationships should occur naturally. I'm not saying that you're forcing yourself to 'like' him, but I feel like you may be forcing yourself to aim for a stereotypical relationship. You don't need to express traditional romance to be in romantic relationships. I have a platonic soulmate, as I call him. He's my absolute best friend, and I love him dearly. We emotionally satisfy each other, aside from romance. He's gay and I'm ace, though, so there will definitely be no romance there, haha! But, back to your situation. There was obviously attraction there to begin with. You said 'mistaken being intrigued by him for attraction'. That's not a mistake. Being intrigued by somebody is still being attracted to them. You can be intellectually, physically, emotionally, aesthetically attracted to all sorts of people. The change is when that begins to build into something more. 

 

What you should stop saying is 'I'm hoping I develop feelings...'. You already have feelings for him, but the question is whether those are platonic or romantic. In my opinion, after reading your story, I think you definitely feel something for him, but your anxiety is keeping you from fully opening yourself up to him and letting him in. It seems like he liked you first, so he obviously wants to be with you. If you lowered your walls a bit and trusted him just a bit more, I'm sure you'll realize that you do care about him, hopefully romantically. I don't want to decide these things for you or put words in your mouth, but I believe in those instinctive decisions made for us by our body and mind. If we weren't instinctively attracted to somebody from the beginning, it would be doomed to fail.

 

I mean, you could be aromantic, but it seems like your anxiety is forcing you to overthink everything. My friend is going through something similar, and it's so obvious that she the boy she's with are very, very into each other, but she still thinks that he wants nothing to do with her when he's told her countless wonderful things about her body, personality, and mind. It's normal for this to happen early into a relationship. You're only a month or two in, give it time. I know it's nerve-wracking, but you seem to have a good connection with this boy, so I'm wishing all the best for you and him! Good luck.

 

P.S. You're not wasting your or his time at all! Don't think like that, I'm sure he enjoys being with you very much, and I'm sure you feel the same about him as well, romantically or otherwise! And remember, if it doesn't work out, that's okay. It's not your fault or his if you lost romantic interest in him. Don't feel like you did anything wrong, should that happen. But still try to be optimistic! xx 

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12 hours ago, Seclusion said:

Well, I say 'yet' more because I feel like I should feel something like romantic feelings for him by now but I generally don't feel anything like that...I thought I did maybe a short while before dating but somehow they completely dissipated. I feel like it was just because he was my first guy friend that I was really interested him (also he was being really nice which threw me off so I had no idea how to react). I'm hoping I develop feelings for him sooner or later though because otherwise I feel as if I'm wasting both of our times:(

You have two posts now on advice on how to work on this if that is the route you want to go. But from the way I read this, it sounds similar to my experience, which is the opposite of previous posters. (I think we all fill in the blanks with our own experiences to some degree.) Everyone who's seen me post before has heard this^^'. So, I got into a relationship with a guy. He was the sweetest person I ever encountered, and I really thought I wanted this at the time. But pretty much immediately after we decided we were in "sortof a relationship" I started feeling uncomfortable. It was clear he was way more romantic than I, and had different expectations than I. I tried to talk to him about it, but I don't think it went through. I kept trying to put my finger on what was wrong, but it was unclear. Long distance relationship after all, not much different from our previous close friendship right? I talked about this to my parents, who kept suggesting I change my point of view. He can think this is romantic and you can think it is more platonic and that will work out right?

 

In the end I made the choice that my own feelings of wrongness was information enough, and broke up. I had started avoiding him, the strong affection I felt before was slowly being replaced by discomfort. In hindsight, I am so glad I trusted my own feelings and did not listen to my mother. I look at the pictures of when I visited my boyfriend and remember how uncomfortable I felt. It is a shame, because I am sure this hurt him, and our friendship did suffer, but it was the only right decision. You can't force these things.

 

You can tell yourself how much this resonates with you, and how much black cat and celestials stories resonates with you and make a call from there. Just remember that not wanting to be in a relationship is enough reason not to be in a relationship. Trust your feelings.

 

 

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