Boyfriend's thoughts on sex confuse me

[PurplePansy]

Hey, I wasn't sure whether to post this here or unter "relationships", but I guess this is more about him than our relationship in general.

 

So me in my bf got together earlier this year. We're in a long distance relationship and he wants to visist me next year, everything is basically already planned out. 

What confuses me is that he himself continuously brings up the topic "sex" and then changes it again because it weirds him out. I don't pressure him to do anything, but I don't really know how to help him or handle it.

 

Over the past couple of weeks he said the following things:

• he has had sex with his two ex girlfriends and it weirded him out, mainly because he didn't know what to do
  → but he also had sex with his ex AFTER they broke up and he was the one who initiated it since she asked him if that wouldn't make things awkward
• when he was with his second girlfriend he refused to have sex with her most times because he just wasn't into it, that was before he hooked up with his first ex
• he regrets losing his virginity to his ex, he would much rather lose it to me
  → he said now that he met me he realized that he never really loved his ex girlfriends, but he loves me so he's willing to try it
• he has (almost) no sex drive - this statement keeps changing, sometimes he says he has absolutely no sex drive and sometimes he says it's so little that it's basically non existent
• porn is boring, strip clubs are boring
• a few years ago he wasn't willing to do anything sexual ever, only to have kids (that was before he lost his virginity)
• thinking about having sex with me weirds him out too, but it keeps sounding more intriguing
• he's scared of disappointing me by being bad at it
• he would do it to make me happy
• he feels like a creep for thinking that he would like to have sex with me
  →"it's somehow normal to want to have sex with your girlfriend"
• he avoids the word "sex" whenever he can and says "coitus" or "doing it" instead
• he blames the media and the North American education system for telling them that sex is bad/evil while also expecting him to know how to please a woman
  → he didn't know what a condom was until year 9, which is absolutely insane to me (I'm from Germany, we learn about this stuff in year 3)
  → side note: he was born in Europe and spend his childhood here, then moved to North America as a teenager
• he calls me hot/sexy sometimes and admitted that seeing me at the beach or in a nice dress would probably cause "a situation"
  → right after admitting this he added "this is embarrassing". He is always embarrassed of these things. I always tell him it's not embarrassing at all and that it's okay.

 

This is just so inconsistent and I'm confused. Sometimes it sounds like he's in fact asexual but is willing to do it for me, but sometimes it sounds like he is sexually attracted to me and scared of it? And he also always brings the topic up just to say "nope, still weird" a few minutes later and then change it again. I noticed that he's more likely to change the topic when these conversations become more detailed. 

He also always asks me questions about sex, protection and the female reproductive system because he barely knows anything.

He never said he is asexual, whenever someone asks him he just describes himself als "straight" or heterosexual. He just always says that he feels like he "sounds lame" and that the whole topic is overwhelming/weird/scary to him. I don't really know how to handle this back and forth an why he is like that.

 

What I've been thinking is that his performance anxiety and his diabetes (he's type 1 since January, but had symptoms months before) could have something to do with this lack of libido, but I don't want to accuse him of something or make false statements. Because it seems like he has been this way his whole life and that he shifted towards being a bit more sexual as of recently. My thoughts are just really all over the place, because I genuinely want to make things work. He means a lot to me.

[Lord Jade Cross]

It could be a variety of things though at best this is just guesswork.

 

 

Depending on his family's view on sex or a particular teaching, it is possible that he was introduced to the idea of sex under a negative basis (I know many parents, whos central message on sex for their kids is, first of all making a big scene when their kids ask and that Sex is BAD, period) That can leave lasting impressions

 

It is possible that he is ace and is struggling with the idea of "normalcy", something that alot of people go through, aces and sexuals alike.

 

The fact that its a LDR may have a hand in this, which can be tied to the previous point, as its not the same to say "I want to come visit" as it is to actually do it and theres a certain sense of safety net that is broken when things are about to get real.

 

[PurplePansy]

27 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

 

 

Depending on his family's view on sex or a particular teaching, it is possible that he was introduced to the idea of sex under a negative basis (I know many parents, whos central message on sex for their kids is, first of all making a big scene when their kids ask and that Sex is BAD, period) That can leave lasting impressions

 

 

As far as I know his parents are okay with it, but he did say that the last time he had sex he felt like he'd get in trouble (his mom yelling at him, etc), although there was no reason for him to be scared of that. His mom even high fived him when she found out that he wasn't a virgin anymore.

 

I thought about the whole LDR thing too and I told him that we don't have to do anything if he doesn't want to. He always replies with "but I want to" or "if it happens, it happens" (to stop himself from thinking too much into it). This is just another example of where he's nervous about it and changes his mind over and over again.

[Confused.Kitten]

I can kinda relate with him... Sex is lil weird, sometimes it still freaks me out. 

Just give him time, introduce him to the concept of assexuality and make him feel safe.

He has to figure it out by himself.

 

SIDE STORY: With me I felt it was obvious that I would have sex with my boyfriend... It was this bitter sweet feel . I wanted it but I was afraid of doing it , of the pain , of not being good enough. Sometimes I still am! But after I realized it's okay to have a low libido and don't be up everytime... I started to feel more confident and now, after 1 year, I can even take some initiative. 

[PurplePansy]

@Confused.Kitten:

He knows about asexuality but - as far as I know - never even considered identifying himself with it. One of his close friends told him about graysexuality and at one point he was questioning if he could be gray, but he never brought that up again and went back to describing himself as straight. I want to give him time to figure it out, but at the same time I know that he's struggling with this and it's hard for me to see him go back and forth.

 

I'm glad that it's working out for you though!

[celestialwhims]

I think you're a very considerate partner for caring so deeply about him as to search through forums for advice. I don't want to diagnosis him or put words in his mouth, so my advice would simply to continue reassuring him that he's okay. Tell him there's nothing wrong with not liking sex, not wanting sex, if you guys are getting intimate and he's not physically interested. It happens, and whether he is acespec or not (it sounds like he is, but again, I don't know), it's all okay. Low libido is not a bad thing, a problem, or means that he's broken in any way. He sounds like a very kind person, and it is obvious that you two care about each other immensely. I hope it all works out for you both, and I hope he can discover who he really is and accept himself. If it has anything to do with his Type 1, then I hope he will be able to get help as well, because it would be terrible if a medication (or lack thereof) was damaging him in any way that wasn't meant to be. 

 

It sounds to me like he's just very confused, about not only his sexuality, but just his feelings about the subject in general. That's very normal, especially since he's lived in North America. It is such a strange topic here; sometimes people say it's taboo and sometimes they say it's heaven. I still don't know how to think about it sometimes, haha! If he opens up to thinking about other sexualities than heterosexual, there are a plethora of information on both AVEN and online about asexuality, demisexuality, greysexuality, and everything in between. Don't force it upon him, but if he's ever ready to think about it, just be there for him and support him through any decision he may choose. Good luck to you both! xx

[borkfork]

He's quite a few years away from diabetes 1 causing any sexual issues. However, don't discount the stress it can cause. It is serious and will affect him for the rest of his life. Diabetes can basically destroy the rest of the body if it's not managed. 

[EggplantWitch]

He could be ace, but whether he is or isn't it sounds like he ought to consider some therapy. He seems very confused and conflicted, and that he's scared this will hurt you and the relationship he has with you. Talking it out with someone impartial who has more experience with this sort of thing than either of you can only be beneficial, though it'd be best to find an ace-friendly therapist just to be on the safe side.

[PurplePansy]

21 minutes ago, borkfork said:

He's quite a few years away from diabetes 1 causing any sexual issues. However, don't discount the stress it can cause. It is serious and will affect him for the rest of his life. Diabetes can basically destroy the rest of the body if it's not managed. 

Well, since it's very new to him and me as well, I don't know a lot about diabetes. I just read that it can be an issue, but I wasn't sure if it's a symptom that exists right away or if it develops later in life.

 

@EggplantWitch Thanks for the advice. I don't really know how to bring it up though or how he would do that, no one except me and his one close friend know about this. Usually when he starts talking about it I just concentrate on calming him down and prevent him from overstepping his boundaries. Most of the time he starts these conversations off with joy and curiosity, describes it as something positive and maybe even tries to tease me (because he knows exactly that I find certain features of his very attractive). But he always pushes it to a point where he gets scared/weirded out and backs out again. 

[Philip027]

He strikes me as a bit too obsessed with the subject of sex for me to read him as asexual.  Personally I feel like he's sexual but probably ashamed of it.

[Sea Lemon]

It sounds a bit like he's got a lot of complicated feelings surrounding sex, which is understandable - societal attitudes towards sex are bizarre and contradictory and often very unhelpful!

 

I don't know whether he's sexual, asexual or somewhere in between, but it sounds like he feels a lot of shame and anxiety about it, and those feelings are probably confusing things a lot. I agree with EggplantWitch that he could benefit from talking things over with an understanding and experienced therapist. In the meantime I think it could help to just keep reassuring him that sexual feelings are entirely normal feelings to have - if he handles them respectfully they're definitely not creepy or embarrassing.

[Lord Jade Cross]

9 hours ago, PurplePansy said:

As far as I know his parents are okay with it, but he did say that the last time he had sex he felt like he'd get in trouble (his mom yelling at him, etc), although there was no reason for him to be scared of that. His mom even high fived him when she found out that he wasn't a virgin anymore.

 

I thought about the whole LDR thing too and I told him that we don't have to do anything if he doesn't want to. He always replies with "but I want to" or "if it happens, it happens" (to stop himself from thinking too much into it). This is just another example of where he's nervous about it and changes his mind over and over again.

Thats......a very rare thing for me to stumble upon. I have never heard a mother high fiveing (or do any sort of congratulatory gesture) her son upon finding out he's no longer a virgin. Most (if not all) parents I know would have beaten their kid senseless if they found out they were having sex.

 

I agree with the other posts. He seems to have conflicting emotions regarding sex which given that fact that he has lived in the US is reasonably understandable since sex, even with all its apparent "freedom" is still harshly criticized in the states, or so Ive heard. Not to mention the almost spot on contradictions on sex in general.

 

 

[borkfork]

17 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

 

Thats......a very rare thing for me to stumble upon. I have never heard a mother high fiveing (or do any sort of congratulatory gesture) her son upon finding out he's no longer a virgin. Most (if not all) parents I know would have beaten their kid senseless if they found out they were having sex.

 

I agree with the other posts. He seems to have conflicting emotions regarding sex which given that fact that he has lived in the US is reasonably understandable since sex, even with all its apparent "freedom" is still harshly criticized in the states, or so Ive heard. Not to mention the almost spot on contradictions on sex in general.

 

 

I assumed her boyfriend was in Canada because we don't say "year 9" and they do. 

 

I know there are parents who don't care, high five, give severe beatings, and a few honor killings here in the States. Somewhere in there are parents who are trying to not mess up their kids. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

4 minutes ago, borkfork said:

I assumed her boyfriend was in Canada because we don't say "year 9" and they do. 

 

I know there are parents who don't care, high five, give severe beatings, and a few honor killings here in the States. Somewhere in there are parents who are trying to not mess up their kids. 

Im not familiar with the phrase "year 9" so Im a little lost as to what that means.

 

I dont reside in the states, although a few years ago I did read an article that more proactive mindsets were developing with parents and the idea of their kids having sex. It seemed to fizzle out though as I havent heard anything related to this.

 

It would definitely have been a different attitude to the one I grew up in anyways. In my days as a kid, you were still pretty much expected to hold off until marriage for sex. Maybe in your 20's it was slightly more acceptable but definitely you would get a beating if your parents found out you were ha ing sex.

[borkfork]

32 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Im not familiar with the phrase "year 9" so Im a little lost as to what that means.

 

I dont reside in the states, although a few years ago I did read an article that more proactive mindsets were developing with parents and the idea of their kids having sex. It seemed to fizzle out though as I havent heard anything related to this.

 

It would definitely have been a different attitude to the one I grew up in anyways. In my days as a kid, you were still pretty much expected to hold off until marriage for sex. Maybe in your 20's it was slightly more acceptable but definitely you would get a beating if your parents found out you were ha ing sex.

Canadians say "year nine" whereas we would say "ninth grade." Usually the beginning of high school, pretty late to be learning about condoms (age 14-15). 

 

It's only really noteworthy when a parent isn't taking a messed up attitude towards sexuality if they write a book about it or something. We don't hear about it because no one ends up in the counselor's office or getting arrested or pregnant... there's no shock value in "these teenagers are having responsible sex and not getting beaten for it." Well, maybe in another part of the country, but I get my news from Los Angeles. 

 

I grew up in one of the better states in terms of sex ed and learned most of my initial knowledge about birth control from an elective. 

 

John Oliver (CW)

 

 

 

 

Getting back to the original subject, I agree with others who say these conflicting emotions he's having would be best sorted out with the help of neutral third party like a counselor. 

[TheAP]

@borkfork Actually, Canadians say "grade nine". Sorry for the off-topic post. Back to your regularly scheduled thread.

[Brownace]

Before giving you my opinion on the matter, I just want to say it is really sweet that you are trying to understand him. What an awesome girlfriend you are!

 

Talking from my own experience, I think he might not know he is asexual - if he is asexual. I have a high libido and can feel a lot, a lot of sensual attraction for guys. I grew up like this for years, and for all those years I simply identified as gay. Then, when the chance to have sex came, I simply did not feel like it. I did not feel repulsed by it, but I was indifferent to it. And the times I did have sex, I didn't enjoy it. It didn't repulse me, but it was just like... I don't know, something meaningless - and it would kind of baffle me to see that my sexual partners would enjoy it so much, to be honest. 

 

After those experiences and learning about asexuality, I realized I am asexual. And my libido is still very high and I still feel a lot of sensual attraction for guys, but I never experience sexual attraction. So, it's like this "weird" mix because it all seems to indicate I am not asexual, but I am. Maybe he is on the same boat. Maybe his libido and the pressure that society puts into men to have sex is what is getting him confused.

 

But, anyway, this is my hypothesis. It might not be what is happening. I think the best thing you can do is telling him whatever he feels is valid and not weird, because that's true: that's just how he is. Sit down with him and encourage him to be honest with himself, to accept what he feels. Only after he does that, he will be able to let other people know how he feels. I know that's my and other people's cases.

 

Please note that if your talking to him doesn't seem to help, it not your fault (it even feels silly saying it)... this is something he has to figure out, because only he knows what's going on in his mind.

 

Good luck.  

[gisiebob]

allosexuals can be embarrassed by themselves.