What is “normal?” And how do I stop being lonely?

[Elizabeth C]

This is my first post. I am 29 and I’m a Christian (a liberal one, if that matters to anyone) and I’m female. I believe in abstinence until marriage, because of the idea that it’s worth waiting and that there’s something special about having only one romantic partner in your whole life. That’s just my personal choice and I don’t think anyone else has to do that even if they’re Christian. I am explaining that because my question is, is it possible that I’m not actually asexual but I’ve just convinced myself that I don’t care that much because if I’m going to wait, then I might as well be happy waiting? How would I know? 

 

I am so curious as to what sexual people feel. Do they just look at people and think, I want to have sex with that person? If they sit close to someone, do they have an orgasm? I only have orgasms when I’m sleeping, and I wake up and I’m in the middle of one. I admit that I’ve been confused by people who agree that their ideal is to abstain until marriage, but then they don’t. It hasn’t been hard for me. I often think, if people like sex so much, it must be nice, so I want it, but much more in an intellectual way, like in my head, but not a physical way. I used to think I was just uncommonly good at self control, but I’m not good at self control in any other part of my life, so once I found out about asexuality a few months ago, I thought, that’s got to be me! For years I’ve tried to figure out where I fall on the homosexual/heterosexual spectrum, but it made so much sense to me to think that I’m not really on that spectrum at all. 

I’ve had a couple of boyfriends but I really didn’t enjoy it. I’ve never considered going out with a girl because that doesn’t appeal to me (but neither does going out with guys!), but I definitely have opinions about who I think is good looking, and I like to look at pretty women much more than pretty men. I’ve always thought I just haven’t met the right man yet, and that if I did meet the right man, I’d want to have sex with him. I’ve also tried to figure out if I’ve ever seen a girl that I wanted to have sex with. I think that I see sex as the highest form of intimacy, and when I am lonely, then I want that, or at least I want the idea of it. But even when a guy has put his arm around me or tried to hold my hand, I hated it! I do get lonely and I think that I want a life partner, but I also have never met anyone that I’d want to spend that much time with. 

What do aces do to not be lonely? 

I love my friendships, but I’m getting to the age where people are pairing up and dropping their single friends to the wayside. I’m strongly considering foster parenting and I think that would be really fulfilling. I am an Early Childhood educator and I love kids (but not sexually!) But it would be great to do that with a partner. Except of course that I only want a partner in theory and I think realistically I’d be miserable. Do aces have stories of wanting someone theoretically but not in reality? Once I decided not to actively look for someone to date, a huge burden was lifted off of me and I just have felt much happier. But again, I also worry about my future, and the loneliness. 

I have another “is this normal” question: I masturbate sometimes, but I’ve never pictured another person. I just touch myself, that’s it. And masturbating does not cause me to have an orgasm, it just feels good in a way that is unique to masturbation (and I would assume, sex). Sometimes I lay in bed and have fantasies where I’m helping someone who needs help, due to a disability or illness or stressful life circumstances, and that’s like my equivalent of a sexual fantasy, and there’s kind of a positive fuzzy feeling that I get, but that doesn’t evoke sexual feelings for me, it just helps me calm my brain and fall asleep. I didn’t realize this was potentially odd until I read an article last week that said most aces don’t picture anything when they masturbate. And I was like, wait, does that mean that other people DO picture things? 

 

I feel like I've rambled a lot, and also that I’ve been more vulnerable and completely honest than I’ve ever been before, but I doubt anyone I know will ever read this. I hope this community can help me sort through my confusion and possibly assure me that I’m not as weird/crazy as I sometimes feel that I am. 

 

Thanks! 

[straightouttamordor]

You sound alot like myself and many others here on AVEN. When the rest of the world doesn't have the same mentality on sex it can be lonely at times.

[borkfork]

I confess that I didn't read all of that, but to answer one of your questions not everyone experiences sexual attraction the same way. Kindness, sense of humor, laugh... any number of things can flip that switch during the course of getting to know someone. Attraction may be what draws people together, but it isn't what keeps them together.

 

Do you expect sex to be part of your marriage some day? How do you feel about having sex with your hypothetical spouse? 

 

It's possible you're just not into romantic things at all and that's OK. It's OK to not want sex either.

 

ETA: The spontaneous orgasms you describe are incredibly rare. You may want to check out Scarlet Teen for accurate information about sex. Psst! The hymen is a lie!

 

Also: Normal is lie invented by The Man to keep people like us down! 

[Elizabeth C]

On 10/18/2017 at 6:31 AM, borkfork said:

I confess that I didn't read all of that, but to answer one of your questions not everyone experiences sexual attraction the same way. Kindness, sense of humor, laugh... any number of things can flip that switch during the course of getting to know someone. Attraction may be what draws people together, but it isn't what keeps them together.

 

Do you expect sex to be part of your marriage some day? How do you feel about having sex with your hypothetical spouse? 

 

It's possible you're just not into romantic things at all and that's OK. It's OK to not want sex either.

 

ETA: The spontaneous orgasms you describe are incredibly rare. You may want to check out Scarlet Teen for accurate information about sex. Psst! The hymen is a lie!

 

Also: Normal is lie invented by The Man to keep people like us down! 

I know, it’s long, I wouldn’t have read the whole thing either if I were you. 

 

I think if I were to get married I’d expect sex to be part of it, but I don’t know yet how I’d feel when it came to that time. It’s definitely something I want more intellectually, like, it just comes with the package, than something I feel physically that I would enjoy. I don’t know, I’ve never tried it! But I think mostly what I’d want in marriage would be partnership to raise children. But who would marry someone who doesn’t care about sex, or even know if they would enjoy it? I guess another ace, that’s who :-)

 

Thanks for your response. 

[roland.o]

On 10/18/2017 at 0:08 PM, Elizabeth C said:

I am so curious as to what sexual people feel. Do they just look at people and think, I want to have sex with that person?

The experiences of sexual people are as varied as those of asexual and graysexual people. Yes, there are some sexuals who just look at someone and think "I want to bang that person". I consider that superficial, but that might just be a prejudice :-) There are other sexuals who do not tick that way at all. Sexuals who form friendships, fall in love and then, occasionally, seek the intimacy of sexual intercourse. Sexuals who need months to establish a connection that makes them feel comfortable enough to engage in that activity. Sexuals who grief after a break-up or loss of a loved one, who take months or years to get back to a point where they can start to bond again.

 

I've also been curious for most of my life about how "normal" people, in particular women, feel. I've read a lot of things. Some realistic, some fantastic, most biased. It's given me a distorted view on relationships for the longest time. The one thing I can say with certainty is: there is no single way how people feel. It is as personal, as individual as the people who experience it. There is no "typical" sexual. There are groups with similar views on sexuality and relationships, of course. But none of these groups are representative of all sexuals. There are swingers, serial monogamists, polyamorous folks, people who wait for the one true love, celibates, and everything inbetween or around.

 

Have some cake , go out, meet people, relate, and maybe ask them about their experiences after a few drinks ;-)