Recently accepted my Asexuality and now I don't know how to approach relationships

[Brennarr]

Recently I've come to terms with the fact that I am asexual. It's not so much I was denying it as much as I didn't really know it was a thing. Now looking back it makes so much sense. That said I am still a very romantic person and I have been lonely for a long time. I have had some relationships with some women I really liked, but they never lasted long and I really think my failure to maintain these relationships had a lot to do with my lack of desire for sex, or at least the fact that I hadn't accepted who I really am. So my question is how do those of you who are romantic asexuals approach dating? It just feels like most women have sexual needs I don't think I can meet. 

[celestialwhims]

Well, I haven't had that much experience with dating, but it is definitely not because you are lacking in any way. It is just that you and a woman with a high libido or something similar were not meshing well. Neither of you are the problem. If she cannot be understanding towards your desires, or lack thereof, that is not her fault. She desires something else, and nobody can blame her for that. I promise it's not 'your failure'. Sometimes when two people have vastly different needs and can't come to a compromise, it just can't work out. However many woman actually Not all women are like that, though, there are actually quite welcome to your needs! Don't be put off by a few bad experiences, you will definitely someday find a woman who will appreciate you just as you are and not have sex be a deal-breaker. As long as you are upfront about your sexuality and do not deceive them or "lead them on" (not saying you do, but sometimes it happens unintentionally when people are too anxious to confess to their partner that they are asexual!), you will be just fine. I would say to just be yourself. You seem very kind and respectful. Just be honest and be confident in who you are. Being asexual isn't a bad thing, after all! You can enjoy the dating scene just as much as sexual people, and I hope you find happiness soon. 

[DayDreamer~]

I suppose being a romantic Ace I should try to give some input.

Usually what I do is just be up front about it towards the beginning. I try to make it clear that I don't just date to date, and usually within the first two dates I try to bring up the topic of asexuality so that they're aware going into the relationship- they can decide if they still want to try dating me after that. I've had two guys insist they didn't mind, though the first arguably still didn't understand it and thought I would 'budge' in some way eventually.

 

It has given me some insecurity, I'll admit, but like celestialwhims said, people just have different needs and need to be respectful of that. There seem to be plenty of other Ace and non-ace, low-libido sexuals out there willing to work around it, so I have hope. It might just take a few tries before finding someone compatible in that department. But I believe it is definitely possible. (=

[Squirrel Combat]

Being a guy, I can tell you that I've been in that in-limbo state of mind where I wasn't sure how to get a relationship off the ground. Nowadays I just don't really try anymore. I'm instead taking the build a great connection first.

 

That would be a great start for you now with this newfound knowledge you have. Heck, there's a whole bunch of good, happy (mostly women) just waiting for you to start chatting with them. Good luck!

[Brennarr]

29 minutes ago, celestialwhims said:

Well, I haven't had that much experience with dating, but it is definitely not because you are lacking in any way. It is just that you and a woman with a high libido or something similar were not meshing well. Neither of you are the problem. If she cannot be understanding towards your desires, or lack thereof, that is not her fault. She desires something else, and nobody can blame her for that. I promise it's not 'your failure'. Sometimes when two people have vastly different needs and can't come to a compromise, it just can't work out. However many woman actually Not all women are like that, though, there are actually quite welcome to your needs! Don't be put off by a few bad experiences, you will definitely someday find a woman who will appreciate you just as you are and not have sex be a deal-breaker. As long as you are upfront about your sexuality and do not deceive them or "lead them on" (not saying you do, but sometimes it happens unintentionally when people are too anxious to confess to their partner that they are asexual!), you will be just fine. I would say to just be yourself. You seem very kind and respectful. Just be honest and be confident in who you are. Being asexual isn't a bad thing, after all! You can enjoy the dating scene just as much as sexual people, and I hope you find happiness soon. 

Thank you for your response and you actually did make me realize that in a way I guess I did lead these women on. I mean obviously I didn't mean to, but before I understood I was asexual they probably did assume I was looking for a sexual relationship which change the whole dynamic. Thank you for all your insight.  

21 minutes ago, DayDreamer~ said:

I suppose being a romantic Ace I should try to give some input.

Usually what I do is just be up front about it towards the beginning. I try to make it clear that I don't just date to date, and usually within the first two dates I try to bring up the topic of asexuality so that they're aware going into the relationship- they can decide if they still want to try dating me after that. I've had two guys insist they didn't mind, though the first arguably still didn't understand it and thought I would 'budge' in some way eventually.

 

It has given me some insecurity, I'll admit, but like celestialwhims said, people just have different needs and need to be respectful of that. There seem to be plenty of other Ace and non-ace, low-libido sexuals out there willing to work around it, so I have hope. It might just take a few tries before finding someone compatible in that department. But I believe it is definitely possible. (=

You both make a good point, I guess I am really being insecure about this, and like you said I just need to be upfront with the people I want to date. Thank you

[celestialwhims]

1 minute ago, Brennarr said:

Thank you for your response and you actually did make me realize that in a way I guess I did lead these women on. I mean obviously I didn't mean to, but before I understood I was asexual they probably did assume I was looking for a sexual relationship which change the whole dynamic. Thank you for all your insight.  

You both make a good point, I guess I am really being insecure about this, and like you said I just need to be upfront with the people I want to date. Thank you

Awh, I'm so glad that we were able to help you understand yourself better. Sometimes it's hard to see from your own perspective, so allowing other people to interpret what you're going through can be really beneficial. Of course, since you haven't been an 'out' asexual for a long time, it's very normal for you to have not said anything to these women. Most sexual people who assume that, which stinks, but it definitely gets easier to express yourself and your feelings once you know just who you are. I hope that with your newly-found acceptance of who you are and all the lovely advice here, you'll find somebody who accepts you as well. Good luck, I wish you all the best out there!

[JennaMarie]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I literally have only told two people and this is even my first post on here. It honestly scares me that I'm gonna be alone. As a girl I am worried about meeting guys because there is that stereotype of guys having high sex drives and I've just never been interested. It's been really upsetting me lately and I think turning 25 and feeling like I should start settling into some type of life is messing with me. 

[nanogretchen4]

Right now there are a lot more out hetero romantic asexual females than males. The dating market is in your favor if you are willing to put a bit of effort into dating within your orientation. I think it makes a lot more sense to look for asexual women online or go to asexual meet ups than to keep dating women you have every reason to believe are heterosexual and hope that they turn out not to be.