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Yet Another "How Do I End The Relationship If I'm Aro?" Thread. Please Help?


Eris Dragomir

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Eris Dragomir

So, I'm fairly new to this website (about 15 minutes before posting this) and I've already read through a few other threads asking for advice when it comes to discovering aromanticism in the middle of a relationship. As I was reading, I felt like each and every one of them connected with me and my feelings on some level, but of course, our stories are all different. So, here I am, with my own unoriginal thread and no idea how to make a proper entrance.

 

My girlfriend and I have been in a semi long-distance relationship for a whopping two years now (we're still together as of this topic). She was very affectionate right off the bat, and we just kind of got swept into a relationship without ever asking each other out. We first met at an anime convention dance, she said I was cute "in a gay way", we exchanged numbers, and, to both of our surprise, I texted her the next day. I don't regret the time we've spent together. She is super sweet and caring, and a HUGE part of my internet/geek life. But, as is the usual story, as time went on I felt more and more uncomfortable saying "I love you" and talking about future plans. She always says how much she loves me and how happy she is that I'm a part of her life, and has made it very clear of what her feelings are towards me. But for some reason I felt like I wanted all of the gaming and hanging out without all the cuddling, kissing, or holding hands. I've mentioned my discomfort to her, and she has stated that she will stop if prompted. But I know that she is a creature that thrives off of human contact and attention; two things I doubt I could give her very often/for very long. To add more pressure, my parents aren't the most supportive people of our relationship (but please don't turn this into an "evil parents" debate. I love my mom and dad to the ends of the earth).

 

We've been on the verge of breaking up twice now, with many rough patches in between. Every time we talk about these things, she always says something along the lines of "Did you ever love me?" and talks about all of the "romantic" things I did for her. And every time, without fail, it sticks a dagger in my stomach. At first I thought that if I exhibited the same romantic behaviors you see everywhere else, that romantic feelings would blossom. But two years is a long time, folks, and still no dice. She has severe anxiety, depression, AND abandonment issues, so I KNOW that breaking up would be, to put it simply, catastrophic. Not to mention that a lot of both of our friends see us as the "model relationship" (or OTP for you nerds). She is so incredibly involved in my geek life that leaving her means ripping out so much content from my hobbies. We have discussed the hypothetical break-up scenario, and she has told me repeatedly that she wouldn't even be able to play a game with me if we did.

I'm still working my way through my own feelings, but now being aromantic is an entirely real, and somewhat alarming, possibility. There's a lot riding on whether I am or am not. On one hand, I want to be comfortable and not run the risk of a lifelong half-assed relationship, but I don't want to be just another person that has kicked her to the ground after giving her so much.

 

If you managed to make your way through this enormous roller-coaster of a topic, thank you. I could certainly use some advice.

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Hey and welcome :)

 

I'd suggest to be as open and as clear about your feelings as possible. Tell her how you feel, tell her how you don't feel and go from there. If she's okay with the reduced amount of affection and all that, fine. If not, it just wasn't meant to be. I just wouldn't want to jump to conclusions - let her figure out how she's feeling about it. That would also include the possibility of simply being wrong - saying that yeah, I can handle this, only to realize that this actually isn't the case later on.

 

There's no point in throwing your own needs and boundaries under the bus just for the sake of a relationship. It has to be balanced, otherwise you'll be miserable in no time - and as much as it hurts to know about the potential damage a breakup would cause, the longer you drag on any attempt of a half-assed relationship, the more it will hurt for both of you.

 

Note that I'm not suggesting to break up. I'm trying to suggest to put everything on the table, knowing that one potential outcome of this is a breakup.

 

Be honest. Both of you deserve that.

 

Best of luck :)

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Hi! Here is a little cake while you sort out some seriously heavy stuff :cake:

 

I am an ace and not an aro, but I know that for me, realizing that the a-spectrums existed helped me to come to better grips with what had already been a reality in my life.  

It sounds like there is ALREADY adjustment happening within your relationship. Don't knock the work you've done so far just because you still have a ways to go.

 

It sounds like this person matters a great deal to you. I think that you have some long honest conversations in front of you.

 

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The question in this thread is 'how do I end the relationship' not 'should I end the relationship', and it sound to me you already know you want out. From what I gather, the reasons for breaking up include that you're uncomfortable with doing the romantic and cuddly things your gf wants, and don't feel romantically about her. And the reasons you have not done so already, is that you are worried about the fallout. Her being upset, not being able to hang out in the same places, your friends feelings etc.

 

I don't think you are not doing yourself or her any favours staying in a relationship when your heart is not in it. Even if you care a lot about her. And staying because she has anxiety is a terrible idea. I tend towards anxiety myself, and my greatest dread is that people will stick to me out of guilt, and not because they want to. Cut your friends and your parents opinions out of the equation for a moment, you don't owe either a breakup to your parents, or a good looking relationship to your friends. You haven't grown the feelings you think you should have for two years. I think you need to rip the bandaid off. She will be hurt, yes. But there are many breakups in the world, it sucks but people come through.

 

It sounds like you already have told her how you feel, but when I went through something similar, the 'wait, might be aromantic' information never really went though. It just seems like you don't want the same things. It sucks, and I'm sorry.

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