A Demisexual with a Delima.

[Loreta95]

I am a 22 year old Demisexual. I don't have a lot of dating experience, and I have a question. I recently started seeing a young man. He seems very smart, kind, and charming. In truth, if I imagined a perfect fit for myself, it would be him. However it usually takes me about 6-8 months, before any sort of strong romantic feelings emerge. It has only happened twice, and the feelings were not reciprocated.  He falls into strong affection very very quickly. After a few dates, he did a couple things that made me very uncomfortable. He made me listen to him pray for me, and got upset when I ignored his messages, while I was hanging out with my friends. I started avoiding him, as I tend to do, when people have feelings for me, that I cannot reciprocate( I feel very guilty and I hide from them, so I cannot hurt them more). He called me yesterday, and we talked it out a bit. Me disappearing, made it quite clear to him that I was not in the same place, and he said he can respect that. He also said that I cannot just come into his life, and walk back out. I told him, I was not in a place where I wanted a relationship, or were it was a good idea for me. I told him, I did not think I would be able to treat him the way I desire to treat a significant other, in a relationship. He knows I am demisexual, although I do not know if he completely understands what it means. The problem I have, is he seems like the perfect guy. But I have no desire to talk to him. We have talked about so much; religion, politics, healthcare, Americas school systems vs. where he is from. I don't know what else to talk about. I feel bored, and I am looking for a reason to not talk to him. I would rather be reading or hanging out with my friends. He says that even though I don't feel like it now, I must keep talking to him, as practice, for if I do ever what a relationship. It makes perfect sense, and logically I should date him. He has everything I should be looking for in a guy. But I do not feel ready nor think I will feel the way he does for quite awhile.  I don't even really feel a desire to feel that way. All I feel is guilty, like I am dragging him through the mud, for no reason. Is there anyone who has actually been in a relationship? Is this normal? Do I just have to push through? 

[weijiangling]

I'm not sure you can really base who you want to date on logic alone. If there's no connection, then there's no connection. All my relationships have started out as friendships first, and if it takes you a while to develop romantic feelings, then that's how you probably need to approach it. As it stands, it doesn't sound like you even view this guy as a friend, so what is it about him that makes him "perfect"? The way you described it makes me wonder if that's based more on someone else's ideas of what an ideal mate should be than your own, since if you're bored and trying to avoid him then something isn't working. So no, I wouldn't say that's normal for how a relationship goes.

 

Also, for what it's worth, I'd take the insistence on keeping you talking to him as a red flag. If you don't want to spend time with him, he shouldn't be pushing you. 

[Lichley]

The whole "made me listen to him pray for me", "got upset when I ignored his messages", and then the whole "you cannot just walk back out of his life" parts cumulatively are a red flag that he's trying to pressure you into this. Not a good idea.

[Stoic_Rebuttal]

Him making you listen to him pray for you is a bit weird, but I'm not one to judge religious practices. Personally it wouldn't be my cup of tea, but his connection to God might be something he wants to share with you. If you yourself are not Christian, perhaps he wants to share that with you in hopes you'll feel his connection too. I've worked with a few pastors and they're usually pretty intense about Jesus. They're often reeeaaallly into praying with their SO. Don't know if that's the case with this guy, but it's hard to tell the "I REALLY LOVE JESUS" dudes from the nutcases early on.

 

Him getting upset about you ignoring his messages... depends on how long you kept him waiting. Are we talking hours, or days? And are we talking mild annoyance, or legit rage? I personally would probably be a bit annoyed or hurt if somebody ignored me when I was trying to get a hold of them for a few days. If it's more a matter of hours, that's a little more concerning. If he's getting upset that you aren't prioritizing him over friends that you are currently hanging out with, I'd classify that as him being toooooo needy for my tastes. If he's unreasonably upset with you not answering him after only a few hours, that's a red flag.

 

When he says you "cannot just come into his life, and walk back out", then we're getting into the meat and potatoes of why this might be a red flag. On one hand, it could be a last-ditch effort on his part to get you to engage him because he thinks he's scared you off by coming onto you too fast. On the other hand, it may give us a glimpse into his relationship tactics should you choose to give him another chance. If his primary tactic in an argument is the dreaded Guilt Trip... uuuuggghhhhhhhhh...... His excuse that you have to talk to him to "stay in practice" is a pretty flimsy argument, and I solidly classify him as a wiener mobile. It's clear that he thinks he's losing you and is grasping at straws trying to get you to stay.

 

From what I gather from your story, it sounds like he came onto you way faster than you were prepared for, and he's a young buck who doesn't know any better. So he scared you off. I won't say the whole situation is his fault though... I think you could have handled it better by telling him how you felt at the start instead of avoiding him. If he's younger than you and even more inexperienced, he's likely pretty clueless on how this whole thing works. How significant is the age gap? Hate to be stereotypical, but young men tend to mature slower than their female counterparts. It's not unreasonable to assume that he legit doesn't know what to do when a woman he thinks is interested in him just suddenly drops him without a word. He likely overreacted (as young men tend to do... Their enthusiasm is simultaneously their their biggest flaw, and most attractive feature), which just made things worse by scaring you off even harder... It's kindof a mess.

 

Now, with all that out of the way, you seem to like him at least a little bit so let's talk about that. You wouldn't be here if you were 100% sure you want to dump him. You called him "the perfect guy". So at least, based on things you know about him, he's compatible with you. If you're gonna dump him, ignore the remainder of this post entirely and go on your merry way. Make sure you let him know with 100% certainty that you're done, otherwise it sounds like he might be a clinger. Now, full disclaimer, I do not in any way claim to be a relationship expert, nor have I been in many of them. I went for quality, rather than quantity with my two most recent relationships being 4.5 years long, and 4 years and counting for my current. I may in fact be talking out of my ass, but I'll offer what I can. My most obvious observation is that you're bored of talking. It means you two have lingered far too long in the introductions phase and it's time to really start doing things together. If you've legit exhausted all avenues of discussion, I recommend you begin sharing hobbies. Test the waters by inviting him to an activity you enjoy. I met my current girlfriend at a comic book/gaming store, truth be told. We just happened to sign up for the same gaming group and met playing some tabletop RPGs. In our case, we had a built-in set of activities we could share. I recommend you find some things the two of you can do together. It will expand your possible areas of discussion past simple small talk. Once you've tested the waters with enough time (the definition of enough is different for everyone), the next phase would be introducing him to your friends and seeing how he gets along with them. Above all, you need better communication. If you have any intention of staying with him, avoiding him is the 100% worst thing you can do. He's only a man, and cannot read your thoughts. He can't correct his behaviour if he doesn't know what he did to upset you. Confronting someone you potentially care about is a scary thing, but a necessary one. Once upon a time, people would try to fix things instead of throwing them away and getting a new one. That also applies to relationships.

 

Can't offer suggestions without more information. Take my advice with a grain of salt, as I may in fact not have a clue what I'm talking about. I only have the relationship knowledge I have, because of several mistakes I've made. Your mileage may vary. I know this is scary. It might seem like folks who have been in lengthy relationships know what we're talking about, but honest to God, we're literally making it up as we go and hoping it doesn't blow up in our faces. There is no formula. There is no rule book. What works for one couple might not work for another. Don't know if my story helps, but I hope it does.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

9 hours ago, Loreta95 said:

I am a 22 year old Demisexual. I don't have a lot of dating experience, and I have a question. I recently started seeing a young man. He seems very smart, kind, and charming. In truth, if I imagined a perfect fit for myself, it would be him. However it usually takes me about 6-8 months, before any sort of strong romantic feelings emerge. It has only happened twice, and the feelings were not reciprocated.  He falls into strong affection very very quickly. After a few dates, he did a couple things that made me very uncomfortable. He made me listen to him pray for me, and got upset when I ignored his messages, while I was hanging out with my friends. I started avoiding him, as I tend to do, when people have feelings for me, that I cannot reciprocate( I feel very guilty and I hide from them, so I cannot hurt them more). He called me yesterday, and we talked it out a bit. Me disappearing, made it quite clear to him that I was not in the same place, and he said he can respect that. He also said that I cannot just come into his life, and walk back out. I told him, I was not in a place where I wanted a relationship, or were it was a good idea for me. I told him, I did not think I would be able to treat him the way I desire to treat a significant other, in a relationship. He knows I am demisexual, although I do not know if he completely understands what it means. The problem I have, is he seems like the perfect guy. But I have no desire to talk to him. We have talked about so much; religion, politics, healthcare, Americas school systems vs. where he is from. I don't know what else to talk about. I feel bored, and I am looking for a reason to not talk to him. I would rather be reading or hanging out with my friends. He says that even though I don't feel like it now, I must keep talking to him, as practice, for if I do ever what a relationship. It makes perfect sense, and logically I should date him. He has everything I should be looking for in a guy. But I do not feel ready nor think I will feel the way he does for quite awhile.  I don't even really feel a desire to feel that way. All I feel is guilty, like I am dragging him through the mud, for no reason. Is there anyone who has actually been in a relationship? Is this normal? Do I just have to push through? 

Hello Loreta,

 

I can totally relate to your story. It must be a very hard time for both of you right now. However, he shouldn't push you to stay in touch like that if you're not ready for it. Sounds rather selfish and insensible to me. Most people don't really understand the concept of being demisexual but that's no valid excuse for being careless. So, if you don't want to be with him anymore, stay on course and tell him once again. I think you must make yourself totally clear without any hesitation or doubt. He may look like the perfect match but there seems to be something missing inbetween so you should listen to your inner voice carefully. You may eventually find someone else to accept your needs and given identity even better someday. You just gotta be brave to stand your ground and make the right chocie right now. Things won't work out for sharing a happy romantic relationship this way.

 

[Treesarepretty]

19 hours ago, Loreta95 said:

However it usually takes me about 6-8 months, before any sort of strong romantic feelings emerge. It has only happened twice, and the feelings were not reciprocated.  He falls into strong affection very very quickly.

You two seem poorly matched. 

 

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After a few dates, he did a couple things that made me very uncomfortable. He made me listen to him pray for me, and got upset when I ignored his messages, while I was hanging out with my friends.

This sounds like he is indeed very attached. I think that this would make me uncomfortable, too, happening so early in a relationship. 

 

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I started avoiding him, as I tend to do, when people have feelings for me, that I cannot reciprocate( I feel very guilty and I hide from them, so I cannot hurt them more).

On the one hand I can understand the guilt, on the other hand, this is a shitty thing for you to do. You should have just come out and said that his trying to push the relationship to move more quickly is making you uncomfortable. Then, at least he would have the reason why you are spending less time with him. 

 

 

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He called me yesterday, and we talked it out a bit. Me disappearing, made it quite clear to him that I was not in the same place, and he said he can respect that. He also said that I cannot just come into his life, and walk back out. I told him, I was not in a place where I wanted a relationship, or were it was a good idea for me. I told him, I did not think I would be able to treat him the way I desire to treat a significant other, in a relationship.

It seems like you have made your decision. Actually break up with him since that is what you have decided. The thing about how you can't "just walk back out" of his life would make me uncomfortable if I were in your place. That sounds very posessive for so early in a relationship. 

 

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He knows I am demisexual, although I do not know if he completely understands what it means. The problem I have, is he seems like the perfect guy. But I have no desire to talk to him. We have talked about so much; religion, politics, healthcare, Americas school systems vs. where he is from. I don't know what else to talk about. I feel bored, and I am looking for a reason to not talk to him. I would rather be reading or hanging out with my friends. He says that even though I don't feel like it now, I must keep talking to him, as practice, for if I do ever what a relationship. It makes perfect sense, and logically I should date him.

"Dating" literally means spending time with someone on a certain date. In the babyboom generation it took on a romantic context because it was their excuse to spend time with significant others while claiming to their parents that the whole thing was casual and innocent, like "hanging out" is now. I say all this to point out that if you do not like doing activities with this man, you do not like talking to him, and you are not interested in him in any other way, then it is NOT logical for you to date him either as a significant other or even as an innocent friend. Actual "practice" for dating for you would be with someone you WANT to spend time with. What he says about "practice" is just an excuse to get you to keep dating him in the hopes that you will develop a romantic or sexual attraction to him. Him dragging you through stuff that you don't want to do is not good for you, just as you giving him hope for romantic/sexual interest by playing along isn't good for him. 

 

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He has everything I should be looking for in a guy. But I do not feel ready nor think I will feel the way he does for quite awhile.  I don't even really feel a desire to feel that way. All I feel is guilty, like I am dragging him through the mud, for no reason. Is there anyone who has actually been in a relationship? Is this normal? Do I just have to push through? 

No, this is not normal. I complain a lot about my wife, but at least I really liked spending time talking with her and doing other activities when we were dating, and I still mostly like spending time with her now. Relationships can start out with a platonic foundation that eventually turns into something else, but it looks like you two don't even have that if you keep thinking up ways to avoid him. Again, his insistance on maintaining a strong connection with you worries me. 

 

Good luck.