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In Desperate Need of Help!


Dwigt Rortugal

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Dwigt Rortugal

Hello all, 

First allow me to apologise for the massive post. I've been stalking these forums for a few years now, and only recently got the balls to register and finally post in hopes someone may throw their two cents at me because my head is all over the place about all this. 

 

I'm a male in my mid-thirties and have been contemplating the concept that I may be asexual for the last 4 years or so. I've come to the conclusion that I may be demisexual/greysexual but honestly, I don't really know.

I've been sexually active for most of my life, perhaps around 30 partners which, when I have explained to the few people that I may be asexual, people laugh and bring up this fact to contradict me and prove that I can't be. And I agree, to a point, however what they don't know is that a lot of these experiences where not pleasant, some non-starters and quite frankly, I found disgusting. Some I felt pressured into, and felt like I couldn't say no to, because it would expose me as 'abnormal' for lack of better term.

 

A few facts; 
- I don't really enjoy penetrative sex

- I'm not into the idea of having to touch women's genitalia

- I'm not gay

- I find women attractive, but my heart sinks when they want to sleep with me in return

- I have romantic feelings towards women

- (apologies for the graphic imagery here but) I masturbate for mechanical purposes, eg. "getting rid of the poison"

- I have watched porn in order to trick my brain into connecting the concept of genital pleasure with sexual acts in order to force me to become more "normal"

- I can honestly admit there have been 2 people I have "enjoyed" sex with, these have been long term partners

 

Why am I asking myself these questions now? The last few years I have had a suspicion that there is something "off" with me which I've refused to acknowledge and have deliberately ignored. I've been in a relationship for 8 years and I'm happy, so perhaps I feel like I'm in a safe and comfortable place where I can look at myself and question things about myself. I believe over the years I've overcompensated and subconsciously fooled myself into constantly trying to be 'that guy' who I'm secretly not. Blame society, institutionalised misogyny or the patriarchy but honestly if I had a clue about what I really wanted, and not constantly worried about what other people think of me earlier, I feel my life would have been much different. Which is half the problem. Me trying to prove to everyone around me that I'm a 'man'. Which to be honest isn't something I've ever truly subscribed to, but as a young boy it's instilled into you at school, on tv etc as something that is normal and something that should be strived to be achieved. It's constantly in the back of your mind, and unfortunately I was too stupid or too blind to see it and take a stand.

 

It's only now I look back and wonder why in hell I would flirt with women just to end up back at theirs to have sex that I never really wanted, just so I can tell myself and prove to myself that I'm normal. I understand now "normal" means nothing, but for most of my life it meant a lot, and after a mini-breakdown over an identity crisis a few years ago I began to unravel the costume I've been wearing in public, and for myself. Leading to where I am now.

 

I have enjoyed sex, on occasions, I'm not gonna lie, but a major part of that is more to do with the fact my body will react to certain stimulation, and as with most animals we are programmed to enjoy our orgasm. Another issue I struggle with is the fact that as a male, every couple of days or so, my body has a built-in biological imperative to rid myself of this "poison" I produce which pollutes my brain, which I assume most men translate to "I must have sex with someone", "I must procreate" etc. In the past I have used this to my advantage in order to feel more sexually active and virile in order to successfully have sex, which sometimes wouldn't even help. If you're still reading this far, you can probably start to see a pattern of outlandish behavioural patterns in order to trick people into believing I'm a normal functioning human being, which upon reflection would probably be considered sociopathic to certain degrees which is the most alarming part about all this.

 

I was in a previous relationship for 4 years and we had sex maybe 5 times in total. I loved her, with all my heart, however I never acknowledged I had no interest in having physical contact with her (other than kissing and hugging) and she never initiated sex, which at the time she blamed on other personal issues which I won't go into, which was unfortunately convenient enough for me to process as the "issue" being her issue. At the time, all those years ago it never occurred to me once that the fault was more likely me, and it saddens me that she may still believe this. Had I known I may be asexual sooner, a lot of heartache could have been avoided, however I have been too hardheaded to admit and thus have sadly hurt a lot of people in the process.

 

Reading some of your stories on here, it seems there's too much scope to really narrow it down simply. A lot of you don't find people attractive, whilst some of you are more simply repulsed by the idea of sex, but honestly my opinion on what I want/like constantly changes and it's impossible to compartmentalise what I truly believe and feel. Which is why I'm here today, finally on my hands and knees begging for someone to just explain to me what I am.

 

Apologies for the long post, and apologies if I've grossed anyone out but all (if any) insight would be 200% appreciated. Many of you probably feel that I am just selfish or stupid and you will be right to a large extent, but deep down I feel I am clueless and desperate, and of course I don't want to use asexualism as an escape route for all my misappropriated behaviours I've developed over the years, however getting to the bottom of it, if I am asexual or not, it's a starting point for me to get my life together and hit the reset button in my brain and align myself with a new and more honest life ahead.

 

If you've read all of this, thank you for taking the time to hear me out.

Much love

D x

 

 

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hello

after reading that, yea you most likely are ace.. everyone that is ace people are different, some may be repulsed by sex, some may be ok that other people enjoy it, some will only have sex if they truly love the person, others might just do it because they think it is what they have to do. personally i like men but romantically and i don't mind how some look without a shirt (questioning if i romantically like girls too, also they look nice in well anything) I wouldn't mind having sex , well not full sure with that one yet... but my point is being ace is a spectrum and all ace people fit on it no matter where they are on it they are still ace... (sorry if that was confusing).. but from what you said I think you are on the ace spectrum, and be proud of that..

 

sit down and enjoy some cake with us!!  

:)

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Enjoying sex doesn't determine whether you're asexual or not. There are asexuals who like sex, but they'd never go ahead and ask their partner for some. They could just live a happy life without being bothered by not having sex ever again.

 

The question is "Do you want/seek/desire sex, ever, at all, under any circumstances, yes/no?" If the answer is yes, you're not asexual. That's a question only you can answer.

 

 

 

49 minutes ago, Dwigt Rortugal said:

I was in a previous relationship for 4 years and we had sex maybe 5 times in total. I loved her, with all my heart, however I never acknowledged I had no interest in having physical contact with her (other than kissing and hugging) and she never initiated sex, which at the time she blamed on other personal issues which I won't go into, which was unfortunately convenient enough for me to process as the "issue" being her issue. At the time, all those years ago it never occurred to me once that the fault was more likely me, and it saddens me that she may still believe this. Had I known I may be asexual sooner, a lot of heartache could have been avoided, however I have been too hardheaded to admit and thus have sadly hurt a lot of people in the process.

Could it be that you both were in the same boat without realizing?

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It definitely seems you are on an ace spectrum somewhere. Though, of course you are the only one who can truly decide that.

 

And, honestly, nothing you've posted makes you seem "sociopathic" to me. It sounds like you got caught up in many societal expectations and didn't know how to get out. That is hardly your fault. And it's not your fault for not recognizing your lack of interest as (probable) asexuality earlier either. It may have lead to some tragic situations for you and your partners, but it isn't your fault or theirs. That's just how life works sometimes.

 

I wish you the best moving forward and hope you can find a life you can be happy with and welcome to AVEN. A more accepting group of people I haven't found anywhere.

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The lack of sexual partners is a huge indicator of asexuality.  From the AVEN surveys, asexuals on average have around 2.5 partners.  This is probably where the disbelief stems from.  However, this is only an average.  Everyone is different with different experiences and you shouldn't let other people keep you from identifying a certain way because of it.

 

Some ideas from the book Come As You Are by Nagoski might be relevant to you.  Everyone has a brake and a go pedal for sexual activity.  For some people, very little causes them to put on the brakes.  For other people, the brake pedal is very touchy and reacts to almost anything.  This could be why you sometimes enjoy sexual activities and sometimes don't.  Hopefully this metaphor can help you conceptualize and understand yourself better.  If not, feel free to ignore it.

 

You shouldn't feel selfish for wanting to find an identity you are comfortable with and you shouldn't feel the need to identify with a current identifier unless you want to.  For years before I first heard the word asexual, I was content identifying as someone who never felt sexual desire.  Why can't you just identify as you, someone who is sexually active but rarely desires/enjoys sex?  Basically, I just mean that you shouldn't feel a pressure to identify one way or another.  Identify when you are comfortable identifying, not because of some self imposed timeline.  

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Hello,

The longer I've been aware of the ace spectrum the more I realize there is no "Normal". It sounds as if you are on the ace spectrum, but there's no need to blame yourself for these things that have happened. There is enormous pressure, even more so for guys I think to behave a certain way in society, I'm sorry it's caused you so much conflict. Self acceptance is a challenge but an important one, you are you, and that's okay.  

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4 hours ago, Wolfjackle said:

It definitely seems you are on an ace spectrum somewhere.

 

3 hours ago, Demiheart said:

The longer I've been aware of the ace spectrum

 

There is no such thing as an ace spectrum. Either you do experience sexual attraction/desire at some point, no matter how often and regardless of the circumstances required, which just puts you somewhere on the sexuality spectrum. Or you don't experience any of that, ever, at all, which means that you're asexual - which is one extreme end of the sexuality spectrum.

 

Asexuality is a point, not a spectrum.

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I have no idea what kind of sexual label best suites you, but if you ever figure it out then I would love to hear it. Your entire post describes my life to a "T", except that I'm female. I suppose the major difference being that society (media, peers, etc) implies that men are 'supposed' to want sex all the time, as opposed to male partners and relationship 'experts' saying that 'normal' couples have sex "x" often - which was what always put the pressure on me. Anyway, point being - I can relate! 

 

Side note, I really hope that I find a partner someday that can relate to this too. 

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Dwigt Rortugal
8 hours ago, Homer said:

The question is "Do you want/seek/desire sex, ever, at all, under any circumstances, yes/no?" If the answer is yes, you're not asexual. That's a question only you can answer.

On paper, no. But I do it anyway because it's expected of me, and only recently I am coming to realisation that it doesn't have to be this way. If my gf wants to, then I'm happy to do it for her, and with her I can say I definitely sometimes enjoy it, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't need it and will rarely ever engage. My life/job is making music, and that's honestly the only thing that matters to me.

 

For 15+ years I've been relentlessly telling myself that it's something I want/need without truly being honest with myself. Call it fear of being exposed or fear of being anything other than what is regarded as normal. But those are my issues and I'll deal with them in due time.

 

6 hours ago, Amathy said:

Some ideas from the book Come As You Are by Nagoski might be relevant to you.  Everyone has a brake and a go pedal for sexual activity.  For some people, very little causes them to put on the brakes.  For other people, the brake pedal is very touchy and reacts to almost anything.  This could be why you sometimes enjoy sexual activities and sometimes don't.  Hopefully this metaphor can help you conceptualize and understand yourself better.  If not, feel free to ignore it.

No I like this metaphor, I will def look into this book. I guess at this stage in my life I just "get on with it", so my brake pedal doesn't get much use, I tend to just take a deep breath and try not to be grossed out by what I have to do. It's funny because I'm reminded a lot of my best friend's grandmother who came out as lesbian in her 70's. She gave a speech at a charity event and mentioned how when she was a young girl, she never fancied boys but it was expected of her in the 40's/50's to dress nice and be polite so a handsome young man would court her and ask her to marry him. She got married and had kids, but was never truly happy and though she loved her husband, she said in hushed metaphors for having to have sex with him, she'd just "get on with it and get it over with" because she figured there was something wrong with her, and the idea of being attracted to girls was alien to her and she'd never even considered the idea for herself until long after her husband passed away. So in some ways, this struck a chord with me and explains a lot about how I feel and how I've been neglecting certain truths to just "get on with it".

 

In regards to needing to determine an identity, of course it's not important in the grand scheme of things, I probably will never "come out" as asexual mostly because I'm worried if it will bring negative connotations into my relationship and may affect how people treat my girlfriend and it's not her issue to deal with. However, it's more about finding similar people and being able to hit reset on my life and clear out all these tangled confused wires that are left floating around in my brain after all the years of lying to myself. I'm in a much better place mentally than I was 10 years ago and so this is another step where I'm just trying to approach everything on positive and healthier terms.

 

Thank you for all your replies, it helps to talk to people who know what they're talking about 

Big love

D x

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Dwigt Rortugal
19 minutes ago, Ingratiating said:

I have no idea what kind of sexual label best suites you, but if you ever figure it out then I would love to hear it. Your entire post describes my life to a "T", except that I'm female. I suppose the major difference being that society (media, peers, etc) implies that men are 'supposed' to want sex all the time, as opposed to male partners and relationship 'experts' saying that 'normal' couples have sex "x" often - which was what always put the pressure on me. Anyway, point being - I can relate! 

 

Side note, I really hope that I find a partner someday that can relate to this too. 

I'm so glad you mentioned this.

I see a lot of people on here are repulsed and therefore will rarely ever have sex in their life, however I, and I assume yourself also, are way past the point of no return in that respect. I see it a lot in the same way as smoking. The first time you smoke a cigarette is disgusting; it tastes foul, it burns, it makes you feel awful but you persevere if you want to smoke, and with that same mentality a lot of it is brushed under the carpet because we "have to" have sex because everyone else is around us, and everyone on tv is having sex. I agree 100% it's all down to external pressures.

 

I hope you find someone who can appreciate you too! 

D x

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41 minutes ago, Dwigt Rortugal said:

On paper, no. But I do it anyway because it's expected of me, and only recently I am coming to realisation that it doesn't have to be this way. If my gf wants to, then I'm happy to do it for her, and with her I can say I definitely sometimes enjoy it, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't need it and will rarely ever engage. My life/job is making music, and that's honestly the only thing that matters to me.

That sounds pretty asexual then. Once again, being asexual doesn't rule out enjoying sex once it happens. It's just that you would never actively seek it or think "Oh boy, I'd really like to get some soon".

 

As long as you're happy having sex with your partner, you're good. When the joy you draw from knowing that you make your partner happy exceeds the 'meh but I'd rather do something else' feeling, that's okay. It would be different if it were a chore and if you thought "Why can't this be over already" as soon as you remove your pants.

 

It's better to realize that there is no "need to be a certain way" later on than to never realize it.

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double post is double

 

please delete

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12 hours ago, Dwigt Rortugal said:

Many of you probably feel that I am just selfish or stupid and you will be right to a large extent, but deep down I feel I am clueless and desperate

Questioning can be a long and complicated process, especially if it results in a big shift in who you think you are, so please don't beat yourself up about it - lots of us have been in the clueless and desperate stage at some point (I know I have!).

 

I can really relate to what you say about feeling like you can't say no to sex that you don't really want, you're certainly not alone in that. 

 

As for what you are, only you can label yourself, but we can give you some pointers. The bullet point list that you include suggests that you don't really have sexual feelings towards women, even though you are attracted to them romantically. It is entirely possible to feel only romantic attraction to people, and as you say you've ruled out being gay, do you think it's possible that the term 'hetero-romantic asexual' could fit?

You also mention that you've looked into the possibility of being denisexual or greysexual, and those are equally valid possibilities too, based on what you've said, but again, whether you claim any of these labels or none of them is entirely your decision. 

 

Good luck with your questioning, but don't feel like you have to figure everything out immediately :)

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