Caulfield Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I’m 26 years old and I’m unsure about my sexuality. Until the age of 20 I’ve never experienced desire for sex. I could feel pleasure by seeing it, but I could not feel any desire to have sex with anyone. I could even find some men really attractive and get aroused, although it was never enough to make me want to have sex with them. But I was feeling a pressure from friends, since I’ve never dated or had any sexual relation with anyone at that time. I was also feeling lonely and missing some romantic bond with someone. When I was almost 21 a doctor prescribed me some antidepressant. This is when things got weird, because I felt like my body and my mind wanted completely different things. I started to have a desire for sex and not having it was driving me crazy. This time I had my first kiss and it was awesome. But every single time I had sex it was terrible. I felt relieved physically, but not mentally. Felt like I was doing something that I didn’t want to and it was really confusing and causing a lot of anxiety. At that time I could not explain what was causing me all that distress. After some failed relationships, mostly because of sex, I decided that I would endure sex. I found a guy with whom I had sex frequently and soon he asked me to be his boyfriend. He was really sweet and after sex we would cuddle for hours, what helped me a lot, but I was feeling really bad forcing myself to have sex and asked for a stronger antidepressant, what kept me feeling dizzy and doped. It took a lot of time but, eventually, I got used to him. After that, I started to enjoy having sex with him and it evolved to a desire to have sex with him. Then the relationship ended… I couldn’t keep with the side effects of the medicine, so I cut it down. Right after that I discovered about asexuality. For two years I had absolutely no sexual or romantic desire and designating myself as asexual freed me from so many things that I finally had some peace of mind. The thing is that, after some time, I felt lonely again. Recently I found another guy and I wanted to give it a shot, but he oscillates between being emotionally close and distant, what completely kills my desire. He once said to me that he had strong desire for sex, what really frightened me. The problem is that I don’t know how long it would take until I could enjoy the sex (if I could at all). It’s so hard to understand my sexuality when I’m afraid of hurting him or myself in the process. It is really hard to find someone that cares, that you can share experiences and build a romantic bond when most of the people you find only bond with sex. I really think that I could, eventually, develop a desire for sex, but I’m unsure about it because all my experience comes from a single relationship. How do you deal with this kind of feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Caulfield. Let me be the first to offer you some cake... :-) I can't give you a straight answer to your question. It took me 46 years to experience sexual attraction, and I have no relationship to base my experience on. But I was interested in romantic relationships for most of my life. They never materialized. I dealt with it by focusing my attention on other things in life, both work and leisure. Until midlife crisis hit me earlier this year. If you're looking for a label, you might want to read up on gray-sexuality and demi-sexuality. Maybe one of those feels right for you. Cheers and all the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Caulfield Posted October 17, 2017 Author Share Posted October 17, 2017 Hello roland.o! Thank you for the greetings and for the cake =) It's really good to change the focus from it! When I'm not anxious I feel like I can focus on things that are more important in my life and feel pleased. But when axiety hits. it gets really hard to focus on anything else... Sad to know that romantic relationships never materialized. Sometimes I feel like it's unbearable to live in a world that sex is overestimated, but acknowledging that we are not alone and that there are other people trying to find their way through this mess is so helpful. Hope you can get over this crisis! I'm not sure which label fits better, but I'll read more about them. Thanks a lot for your kind words! Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 20 hours ago, Caulfield said: Hope you can get over this crisis! Thank you very much, Caulfield. I got through the roughest stretch, I think. And hanging out here in the forums, reading other people's stories and advice, as well as sharing my own, has been a significant part of the process. There might be some hard decisions waiting for me down the road, but for the time being, I am comfortable :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 Personally, I think if one isn't sure they will want sex, it's best to be honest and say "I might, but I might not" so at least people are warned. They'll often go with "Oh they will.." but you did warn them it was a possibility. But, it took me 30 years to want anything sexual. And it takes me ages to develop a strong enough connection to anyone to even want a relationship. So what I do is just become friends with a person and if more develops, OK, if not, OK. I'd say try talking about it with this guy if you really like him? Link to post Share on other sites
Caulfield Posted October 22, 2017 Author Share Posted October 22, 2017 We talked a lot yesterday and I finally had the courage to talk about this. Not sure what will happen now, but I feel relieved. But thanks for it, Serran! Being honest that "you might or might not" want something is the hardest part to understand, even to me... Now I think that I'll have to wait and see... Thanks for the advice!! =) Link to post Share on other sites
Feliz Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I just read this thread, and I'm so glad you're discovering yourself more and more. As someone struggling with these things when I didn't think I was, it can be very frustrating. You can go for so long convinced you're X or Y but are really Z. It can be so confusing. Demisexual and graysexual are the two major ones I have been juggling with after doing my research on asexuality, just like you. The truth is, I've never really felt fully allo, but not fully ace. My desire strengthens significantly when I connect with someone deeply on a special level, like a boyfriend, but even then, I don't always want to have sex (I've been contentedly celibate for three years now). And I have always felt cheap and dirty and wrong when outside of a strong bond with a man, since forever, and I'm not even religious or hold high morals to justify that feeling. It's a feeling similar to what you described, like not being yourself in some way. When I first joined AVEN last year, I was convinced I was fully allo, but that doesn't seem to be the case after discovering why I've felt so connected with and at home in ace spaces versus non-ace spaces, even in person. And now there's dark gray, according to roland.o's profile? I need to research more of these shades. O_O But anyway, I really do hope you're hanging in there. Dating is tough, especially for someone born male, lives male, and dates men, because of the fact that many men have such high sexual desire. Believe me, I know. And most of the men I've dated over the years required sex and far too often, sometimes threatening to leave and get it elsewhere if I wouldn't put out, which wasn't always convenient for me just as it hasn't always been for you. Like you, I too prefer romance and affection, and they usually didn't. I hope you update us with what happens. I hope this new guy works out and can be understanding somehow. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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