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Hey everyone. I recently came across a video on Facebook and it provided me with this site. I have always found myself to be “different” than so many people I have met and interacted with. I have never felt sexually attracted towards anyone. I’ve been in relationships with men (I identify as a straight female) but have never been sexually attracted to anyone (male or female) nor have I ever had a desire to have sex. I have always felt more of an obligation or obligated to have sex with a significant other to please them, it’s what you do when you care and love a significant other, or at least that’s what we are (at least I was) “taught” or exposed to growing up. I am just starting to delve into and research asexuality and am not sure if I am asexual or not. I always thought that I just hadn’t found the right person. I would love for someone to be able to provide the answer for me but I know I am the only one who can decide if I identify as asexual or not. I guess what I am looking for right now is...

Has anyone else had the same thoughts and just thought “well I just haven’t found the right person?” What was the “turning point” that made you decide that you are asexual and to identify as asexual? I guess I am just very uncertain and am not sure where to even start with trying to figure out or decide if I am asexual or not. I would really appreciate any help, information, and input. I hope everyone is having a great day and a great start to the week. 

 

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Keep in mind that asexuals can still "find the right person"! :)

demisexuals even have sexual attractions rarely in life to people they trust!

I suggest looking up asexual quizzes and answering the questions with full honesty. They're anonymous and can help you start to get an idea of yourself! (Though I wouldn't trust the results COMPLETELY as fact!)

best of luck and welcome to the forum!

sorry for any spelling or capitalization errors- im on mobile!

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30 minutes ago, Duckie0214 said:

...What was the “turning point” that made you decide that you are asexual and to identify as asexual?...

Basically, the fact that people my age, or younger, were having sex, dating a lot, getting married, having children, etc., and I wasn't feeling a need to do any of those things.

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I can't say I really had a turning point. I came across the term in fanfiction of all things, and read a few stories. Eventually, I realized that "hey, that's me". 

 

There were a lot of little things, though. As InquisitivePhilosopher said - my friends all started dating or being upset that they didn't have a date. I realized that when watching a TV show I was more attached to character than appearance, and the characters I liked more were the more attractive ones to me. I was never really interested in dating. Flirting went over my head 100% of the time. I just assumed I was straight and hadn't met the right person. By the time I was 21/22 and discovered what asexuality was and what it entailed... well, things just made sense. Now I'm 26 and can say I have met two people who would've been perfect for me - one female and one male - and while I have strong feelings for each of them in their own ways, I am definitely not sexually attracted to either of them. (Romantically might be more in debate for one of them, though.)

 

Little things that added up, though:

- I remember back in middle school the other girls asking me who was "cutest" and not listening to me when I said I didn't think any of them were cute like that. I mean, I liked Tom more than David, but I certainly didn't have a crush on him. I made up a story about having a crush on a kid from my neighborhood to get them to leave me alone.

- I was never able to gush over celebrities or band members. I liked their character or not, didn't really care about the actor or their "hotness"

- As mentioned above, the characters in TV shows I found most attractive were also my favorite personality-wise

- I was never able to comment on the "hotness" of a stranger on the street. Again, I could appreciate an aesthetic but definitely not to the level my friends did

- When complaining about a weirdo stalker at work, the follow up question was "well, was he at least good-looking?" and my reaction was "How would I know? I was to busy being creeped out by him!"

 

I dunno, there's probably more. But honestly? There was never one big moment for me. It was a bunch of little things that added up, and then I came across the term asexuality, and after a little bit more time (only a few weeks, though) realized that I felt like that. I've had a few moments of doubt since identifying as ace, but never anything that lasts for more than a few days/weeks and it's been 4-5 years now.

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For me it was when I started noticing everyone was saying "they're hot" and me thinking 'yeah they're quite cute', and then realising gradually over time that it was not the same thing.

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Hm, let's see.

 

For the past 3 years, my orientation has been quite fluid, since I always felt that most of the 'sexual' sexualities weren't exactly the right ones to identify for me. I am not a very sexual person, and I realized that when I was 13 (as well as finding out I'm also not exactly straight) I honestly thought there was some hormone imbalance wacking my system off. And since I also have a few vitamin deficiencies (which also effect my periods), I often thought that was the reason.

 

But even before I had those, I would always be so uninterested in sex and never had any desire or attraction for it.I even said to my parents 'guys, i don't really wanna date and stuff' since these days, society thinks that you should have sex in a relationship to be happy among other things. While that may be so to some, this is not the case for me. I would silently cringe at people talking about it.. but envious at the same time because I feel I'm missing out on something. I felt like an alien and it made me a huge topic for others to talk about. 

 

I guess the turning point was when I found AVEN, and realizing that 'hey, it's perfectly fine to not like sex. there is nothing wrong with you. look at all these people who feel just the same way!'. After lurking for ages on this forum, reading every Q&A, looking at posts and watching videos, I have now officially identified as asexual. While I'm still trying to pinpoint my romantic orientation (I'm just going as panromantic for now as I've been thinking that I don't really care about what gender people are, it's just that I have a preference for feminine figures as I am feminine myself. Yes, I am quite the girly person) but yeah. I guess me and AVEN helped. 

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Mostly reading other people's stories about being asexual and realising that a lot of them sounded a lot like how I felt too.

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Thank you everyone. You all have helped a lot. I am still not sure but you have all helped point me in a direction to be able to start figuring things out. I really appreciate it. 

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