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omb

Alternatives For Intimacy (With backstory)

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omb

Hello, I'm new here!

 

A little back story,

after being in several horrible relationships, I met a handsome man almost two years ago. We were sexually active and it was perfect, He was the the most wonderful lover.  About six months ago, he told me he was asexual. Initially, I was heartbroken and hurt. It had ended up being the main drive of my anxiety. My mind would torment me with reasons as to why I wasn't good enough for him. It felt like I was being broken up with and it was my fault. It took a while to get through it, and I still occasionally struggle with these thoughts. 

Here's the thing,

I'm madly in love with him, and I have no intention to leave.  He's such a wonderful person and I love him for who he is. I'm excited to continue to see how our relationship continues to grow. I'm excited to be supportive and understanding, as is he. We communicate consistently, so no issue there (besides my anxiety keeping me from speaking up sometimes).

We are intimate together (without sex, obviously), and he always tells me he's willing to do anything to make me happy. He uses a vibrator for me, and that's great, but sometimes it can feel like it's very one-sided, almost robotic-ish. I also want to make sure I meet his needs, I don't want to be selfish. I want to find interesting and creative ways for my partner and I to have intimate times together.

I was wondering if anyone would be willing to share their stories of what intimacy or sexy moments look like for you. or if anyone has any suggestions that do not include picking up another partner. I have been in an open relationship, in two separate parts of my life, and both went pretty badly. There is nothing wrong with open relationships or non-monogamy, I am just not looking for that at this moment.

TLDR; What does Intimate or "sexy" moments look like for you or you and your partner? any creative suggestions (not including polyamory)?

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Stoic_Rebuttal

I understand that feeling. All I think I can offer is the information that I was in the same mindset you described a few years ago, and I have since come to terms with sexual acts being one-sided. Here's the thing; it's not that you're not good enough for him. It's nobody's fault. It's just how it is. Asking him to suddenly get a boner would be like asking me to suddenly be into dudes. Folks are just biologically hardwired the way they are. It's not a matter of him not finding you attractive. I can only assume that if he's been with you for 2 years, he finds you very attractive. You're likely an important part of his life, and he wants to keep you in it. Think of it like he's attracted to your soul, not your vagina. If you believe in souls. Whatever. Bad metaphor.

 

Aaaanyways, in my situation, I've come to terms with my girlfriend's complete and total indifference to sex. It's just another chore for her. "On par with washing dishes or folding laundry" she says. But here's the thing: I can enjoy her doing things for me 100% guilt free because I know it's all about me. Unlike previous relationships, I don't need to artificially extend a sexual encounter. I don't need to push myself to last longer for her. In fact, the quicker it's over, the better for her. You have to be okay with being selfish for those few minutes. Your boyfriend is taking time out of his busy schedule to get that vibrator all up in you because he cares about you. If he didn't he'd be long gone already. The best courtesy you can do for him is have the quickest most self-indulgent orgasm he's capable of giving you. That's what he's trying to do, after all.

 

That said, you also need to return the favour. Find things that he likes and do those things for him. Often. Without expecting anything in return. My girlfriend enjoys back scratches, massages, and cuddles. I do these things as often as I can. If you're looking for intimate things you can both enjoy, it could be as simple as cuddling under a warm blanket watching a movie. It really all depends on how comfortable he is and you are. Sometimes I find the best activity is just having her close by. Just allowing our souls to just be together. She has a book, I have Steam. We're in the same room just enjoying eachother's company, often in silence. We both hate small talk. There's no need to fill the air with noise for the sake of noise. I want her close, and she wants me close. That's what it comes down to, really.

 

Don't know if this story helps, but I hope it does. I wish you the best.

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omb
50 minutes ago, Stoic_Rebuttal said:

Don't know if this story helps, but I hope it does. I wish you the best.

Thanks,

This was actually really nice and it helps a lot

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MrDane
12 hours ago, Stoic_Rebuttal said:

I understand that feeling. All I think I can offer is the information that I was in the same mindset you described a few years ago, and I have since come to terms with sexual acts being one-sided. Here's the thing; it's not that you're not good enough for him. It's nobody's fault. It's just how it is. Asking him to suddenly get a boner would be like asking me to suddenly be into dudes. Folks are just biologically hardwired the way they are. It's not a matter of him not finding you attractive. I can only assume that if he's been with you for 2 years, he finds you very attractive. You're likely an important part of his life, and he wants to keep you in it. Think of it like he's attracted to your soul, not your vagina. If you believe in souls. Whatever. Bad metaphor.

 

Aaaanyways, in my situation, I've come to terms with my girlfriend's complete and total indifference to sex. It's just another chore for her. "On par with washing dishes or folding laundry" she says. But here's the thing: I can enjoy her doing things for me 100% guilt free because I know it's all about me. Unlike previous relationships, I don't need to artificially extend a sexual encounter. I don't need to push myself to last longer for her. In fact, the quicker it's over, the better for her. You have to be okay with being selfish for those few minutes. Your boyfriend is taking time out of his busy schedule to get that vibrator all up in you because he cares about you. If he didn't he'd be long gone already. The best courtesy you can do for him is have the quickest most self-indulgent orgasm he's capable of giving you. That's what he's trying to do, after all.

 

That said, you also need to return the favour. Find things that he likes and do those things for him. Often. Without expecting anything in return. My girlfriend enjoys back scratches, massages, and cuddles. I do these things as often as I can. If you're looking for intimate things you can both enjoy, it could be as simple as cuddling under a warm blanket watching a movie. It really all depends on how comfortable he is and you are. Sometimes I find the best activity is just having her close by. Just allowing our souls to just be together. She has a book, I have Steam. We're in the same room just enjoying eachother's company, often in silence. We both hate small talk. There's no need to fill the air with noise for the sake of noise. I want her close, and she wants me close. That's what it comes down to, really.

 

Don't know if this story helps, but I hope it does. I wish you the best.

@Stoic_Rebuttal i think i just needed to read a story (or a rebuttal) like that. I have to confront my wife with this, and it will be ok for me, i think. I get a loving aid with having an orgasm, which I cant reach "by my own hand"! Occasionally, she also likes me to give her one, though a lot smaller and less afterglow. I need to remember to ask her, since she will forget, since she is asexual. I need to keep it in the schedule, so she will not feel the stress on a daily basis. 

 

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Treesarepretty

Hi @omb. Welcome and have some cake. :cake:

 

In answer to your question, my wife thinks that touching genitals directly with pretty much anything is gross and uncomfortable, but she is fine with receiving orgasms as long as there is no skin on skin contact. It could be that your boyfriend is the same way and that he may allow you to give him orgasms from time to time if his boundaries are respected. Does he at least feel good knowing you desire him so much? 

 

Good luck! 

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borkfork

I don't encourage anyone who isn't at least curious to engage in BDSM, but done right it is incredibly intimate.



“It’s always consensual,” says Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101. “Abuse is not.” You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement, allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good, clean, erotic fun.” When BDSM inflicts real pain, it’s always carefully controlled with the submissive (“sub” or “bottom”) specifying limits clearly beforehand.

Subs are very particular about the kinds of pain—many prefer to call it intense sensation—that bring them pleasure. “They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly like anyone else,” Wiseman says, “and dislike it just as much.”
[...]
Any top who fails to honor pre-arranged safe words violates the bottom’s trust and destroys the relationship. Tops who fail to honor safe words are ostracized from the BDSM community.
Subs Are in Charge
Although bottoms feign subservience, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is in charge. Bottoms can invoke the stop signal, and tops vow to obey immediately. Meanwhile, tops act dominant, but they must also be caring and nurturing, taking bottoms to their agreed-upon limit, but never beyond it. In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe and cared for. People who enjoy BDSM say it results in amazing erotic intensity.
[...]
Most couples don’t discuss their lovemaking very much, which diminishes its intimacy. But BDSM absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion. Players must plan every aspect of their scenes beforehand and evaluate them afterward. Many BDSM aficionados say that pre-scene discussions are as intimate, erotic, and relationship-enhancing as the scenes themselves. And couples who enjoy occasional power play but who are not exclusively into BDSM often remark that it enhances their non-BDSM “vanilla” sex because the practice they get negotiating scenes makes it easier to discuss other aspects of their sexuality. The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person. Those same skills that enhance relationships and sex—no matter how you play.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201206/loving-introduction-bdsm

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omb
On 10/17/2017 at 6:10 PM, Treesarepretty said:

Does he at least feel good knowing you desire him so much? 

 

Good luck! 

Honestly, I've never asked, and I will tomorrow! I would assume so (but I should ask anyway) :)

Thanks!

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omb
On 10/17/2017 at 8:10 PM, borkfork said:

I don't encourage anyone who isn't at least curious to engage in BDSM, but done right it is incredibly intimate.

I've been I strong sub and masochist for a long time :)  

I get a little shy with my current partner about it, because I always wonder if it's too close to sex for him. However, this is my own fault, because my anxiety makes me overthink everything. He was a very good Dom when we were sexually active, I should communicate to him that I'm still interested without sex.  

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borkfork
5 minutes ago, omb said:

I've been I strong sub and masochist for a long time :)  

I get a little shy with my current partner about it, because I always wonder if it's too close to sex for him. However, this is my own fault, because my anxiety makes me overthink everything. He was a very good Dom when we were sexually active, I should communicate to him that I'm still interested without sex.  

It's certainly worth discussion and maybe a trial session ;)

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karinosa3
On 10/16/2017 at 2:05 AM, Stoic_Rebuttal said:

Aaaanyways, in my situation, I've come to terms with my girlfriend's complete and total indifference to sex. It's just another chore for her. "On par with washing dishes or folding laundry" she says. But here's the thing: I can enjoy her doing things for me 100% guilt free because I know it's all about me. Unlike previous relationships, I don't need to artificially extend a sexual encounter. I don't need to push myself to last longer for her. In fact, the quicker it's over, the better for her. You have to be okay with being selfish for those few minutes. Your boyfriend is taking time out of his busy schedule to get that vibrator all up in you because he cares about you. If he didn't he'd be long gone already. The best courtesy you can do for him is have the quickest most self-indulgent orgasm he's capable of giving you. That's what he's trying to do, after all.

 

I found this response super helpful; thank you. Personally, I feel guilty anytime I hint to my s.o. that I'd like to be intimate with him, sexually. I just don't want him to do anything he's not into--it doesn't feel fair. Deep down, I know he'll do it because I so rarely ask and he loves me and wants me to be satisfied, but I just feel guilty about it. Do you have any advice on how to find that balance of asking your partner to push their boundaries a bit so you can, as you said, be a bit selfish for a few minutes? 

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