Hann088 Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has really negative feelings towards being asexual? I have literally no sex drive, I feel no arousal etc. I hate sex. The whole thing repulses me. The weird thing is though, when I was 16-19 I actually enjoyed it. Over the years it seems I've developed some sort of complex. The worst thing is, I genuinely do want a sexual relationship and to enjoy sex like others do. I also think I'm sexually attracted to people, but as soon as I go on the second date with them, it's like they become ugly to me and I want them away from me. I know Asexuality is an identity, but it's said that a sexual dysfunction disorder is characterized by low sex drive and feelings of distress that you don't like sex. I'm wondering how many of you are distressed by it? I'm really not sure if over the years I've picked up a weird disorder and it's all psychological. I have Aspergers, OCD, and Major Depression. I'm also a very affectionate person, but as soon as someone's kissing me I get the urge to just push them away. They randomly become ugly to me. I think about sex, and when I do I'm picturing myself, not two other people. I've always felt suffocated having sex and hated the feeling of being naked and vulnerable. I was never sexually abused so I know it's not about past trauma. I'd just like some honest advice. Thank you 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Salted Karamel Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Being asexual in and of itself can be pretty distressing. I think an important question to ask yourself is whether you're distressed because you want to be enjoying sex for yourself, or you're distressed because of a failure to live up to the societal expectation that you will want sex? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Comrade F&F Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I'm content with my asexuality. If it's the grossness factor, I guess...you'll have to try and see it in a different light since you really do want a sexual relationship? You can go see a sex therapist, since it sounds like there's some low libido involved. Edit: That was really useless advice. Short of seeing a sex therapist, I have no clue. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Moonchaser Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 It only bothers me because it affects my relationship. But in and of itself, no, it doesn't distress me. I just wish it didn't bother my spouse so much. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Groobly Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Personally, I spent a very long time being distressed by it. I wanted desperately to be normal and actually enjoy sex, but every time I tried to see sex like everybody else I just couldn't. I felt like a freak, and I thought I'd be alone forever. Only very recently did I begin to actually become informed on the identity of asexuality, and realize that there's this amazing community of people who feel the same way I do, and they talk about it and help each other feel more normal. Now I'm here, and I feel so much better about myself now that I'm discovering that being asexual doesn't mean I'll always be alone. I can have romance, and companionship, but that doesn't have to center around sex. I'm still learning to accept myself, but talking about it really has helped me a lot. It seems to me you're thinking of it as a bad part of yourself, and that makes me sad. It doesn't have to be bad...it can be very positive. If you're here and you're talking to other people who feel the same way, that's a good start feeling better about it. However, if you really do not like feeling this way and want to enjoy sex like everybody else, I don't know how to go about fixing something like that. You could try and find a therapist who specializes in sex based psychology? My advice would be to try and accept this aspect of yourself, but that's up to you. Either way, I hope you find a way to feel better, whether that's acceptance or not. Everybody deserves to be happy with their sexuality. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bennes1 Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Yes, it does. I feel like I want to want to have sex but don't want it. I haven't had it so I actually don't know if I really want to want it. If there is anything mental or physical going on that isn't part of the orientation, I would like to know that. Frankly, I don't really know where to start. Is it a Behavior Specialist? Is it a Psychologist? Is a Marital Counselor? I'm not even sure because sex therapist or whatever doesn't seem to be in the list. I have left messages and I really haven't gotten anything back. I don't think that I will get anything "resolved" but I guess that a few sessions might be useful I guess. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stheg Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 When I first discovered I was asexual and that I wasn't going to magically get a sex drive, I found it distressing because I come from a background that doesn't accept asexuality. Ive made some long strides towards self acceptance and I'm much happier with my asexuality now. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
PitterPatterPuffin Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Being asexual doesn't bother me too much (so far) and i'm hoping it never will. the only things i'm worried about is not being able to find a romantic relationship where there is no sex, but i realized that if someone someday does want to end the relationship because of that, then they weren't the right person for me. i hope everything goes well for you in the end!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
colossalpenguins Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Overall I don't find my asexuality distressing, I'm happy and comfortable with who I am and asexuality is definitely a part of that. Having said that, there are still times when I feel like it gets in the way of having a normal life or something. I'll get moments where I'm chatting with friends and they'll say something and everyone else will just be like "omg, I know, right" and continue on from there and I'll just be totally lost. It's like sexual people have a way of thinking that I just can't crack the code for or something. At times being asexual can make me feel very lonely. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mistfallen Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 It makes me sad a lot. Not lonely, because I'm a very independent person, but sometimes I look at peoples' lives and feel like there's something missing from mine. I avoid dating because of my asexuality, and it's definitely caused me and others a lot of disappointment. I do, however, have a plan to marry my best friend (who is very likely ace) in a few years. Having something to look forward to in the future is really the only thing getting me by every day, but I'm okay with it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lifesaver Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I do not find my asexuality in and of itself concerning. Before I knew of asexuality I thought there was something wrong with me, but still did not really want to 'fix' it. I find societys expectations of sexuality to be alienating socially and anxiety inducing while attempting to date. I wish I wished to have sex because society and the predominatnt culture wants me to want sex. I imagin falling in line with expectations woukd be easier in some ways (such as finding a partner?). However, I would be perfectly content if I could be accepted as I am, I don't feel sex or the desire for it is required for a happy life. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I maintain my opinion that sexual dysfunctions as a medical category don't exist "in reality". OK, now let me explain what I mean by that. First, I don't fully trust science. I believe that literature and philosophy offer a much fuller understanding of our life than science does. Science is necessarily reductionist to some extent (literature, when understood as a whole of different works by different acknowledged and amateur writers - isn't). In fact there are AS MANY DIFFERENT SEXUALITIES AS THERE ARE PEOPLE. As long as a person doesn't harm anybody, I wouldn't dare to declare a sexuality normal or abnormal. Still, a person can feel distressed about some aspects of hir sexuality, but then each case should be treated individually. I just don't believe that we should accept any sexual norms other than full consent as a requirement and a sexual expression which allows an individual to be at peace with oneself. Such a sexual expression will be different for different individuals - for example for some people no sex at all is the perfect sexual expression and if a person feels comfortable with it, no therapists should try to change it. I believe that maintaining a category of sexual dysfuntions and only keeping a clause for asexuality is a half-measure. At best it will only apply to people who know about asexuality and identify as such and to people who don't know about asexuality, but happen to visit an ace-friendly therapist. At worst it means preserving a situation under which sex is understood as a universal norm and a "right" not to have sex is "kindly" granted to asexuals, but not to everyone else. And I believe we don't need such a norm at all. Are we afraid that allosexual people will stop having sex if the accepted social norm is such that sex is never obligatory? Be serious. People who want to have sex will have sex ayway, but less sex-normative social standards would be a great relief for people who don't want to have sex and currently mostly receive a message that it's abnormal. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hann088 Posted October 16, 2017 Author Share Posted October 16, 2017 Thanks for the comments everyone. I've definitely got a lot to think about. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 My first reaction to discovering the term was relief but then after that it was distressing for a while. The way we live our lives is so shaped by sexual and romantic partnership especially when it comes to adulthood. Figuring out my own path surrounded by people who have no idea what this experience feels like gets me down sometimes but knowing where to focus my effort and out to orient my goals helps a lot. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I guess I'll have to be that person... No. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 1 minute ago, Homer said: I guess I'll have to be that person... Why change the habit of a lifetime? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Why change the habit of a lifetime? I love you too Personally I really don't feel distressed about it and I don't see why I should. I don't miss anything and I don't miss out on anything. People have sex, I don't and everything's fine. OTOH I don't understand romance, but that's a different ballpark. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rhyme Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 At this point in time, I'm happy about being ace (and aro), but it's when I think about a future without a partner that I start worrying. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gloomy Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Personally no, I don't find it distressing. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 1 hour ago, Sexend said: Is there an official Facebook page that cares about for the Asexeul community? What is an "official facebook page", what is a "page that cares about the asexual community" and could you at least ask questions that we could understand? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hann088 Posted October 16, 2017 Author Share Posted October 16, 2017 I understand, but it's like I actually do want to have sex it's just the act itself that repulsed me which is really annoying. I still had these problems but had a sex drive. Then I got put on medication that killed it completely. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
carbomb Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Used to. I got over it, though. No sense worrying over something I can't control. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hazell Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 22 hours ago, Hann088 said: Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has really negative feelings towards being asexual? I have literally no sex drive, I feel no arousal etc. I hate sex. The whole thing repulses me. The weird thing is though, when I was 16-19 I actually enjoyed it. Over the years it seems I've developed some sort of complex. The worst thing is, I genuinely do want a sexual relationship and to enjoy sex like others do. I also think I'm sexually attracted to people, but as soon as I go on the second date with them, it's like they become ugly to me and I want them away from me. I know Asexuality is an identity, but it's said that a sexual dysfunction disorder is characterized by low sex drive and feelings of distress that you don't like sex. I'm wondering how many of you are distressed by it? I'm really not sure if over the years I've picked up a weird disorder and it's all psychological. I have Aspergers, OCD, and Major Depression. I'm also a very affectionate person, but as soon as someone's kissing me I get the urge to just push them away. They randomly become ugly to me. I think about sex, and when I do I'm picturing myself, not two other people. I've always felt suffocated having sex and hated the feeling of being naked and vulnerable. I was never sexually abused so I know it's not about past trauma. I'd just like some honest advice. Thank you I almost feel the same...I had sex in my life in the past. But now I feel like it repulses me...I don't know why. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Deeperconnection Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 I've had sexual relationships in the past too, but never really enjoyed them. I do find this distressing as it has meant losing relationships that apart from the sexual side have been fantastic. If there was a pill I could take that would give me a sex drive and enable me to enjoy sex then I'd take it without hesitation. As that pill doesn't exist, I know I need to find someone else who is also asexual if I'm ever to have a LTR. Hann088, hopefully you'll find someone who is patient and who you can be open with. I'm sure with the right person who understands that you may initial push them away but you don't mean it things could work out. You just need someone who can be patient and go at your pace. With the right relationship, maybe together you could work through your feelings. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anzu2snow Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 I first heard about asexuality when someone came out to me at 16. I was scared about how much it sounded like me. At the time, I was trying to conform so much and didn't want to be seen as 'different'. In a way, I was only distressed by the idea because of society. There wasn't much of a community online at the time either. I think I had some deep internal ace/arophobia, too. I denied it, because of all this. At 31 (I'm almost 33 currently), I looked into it again. I quickly realized it, and fully accepted myself. I think I was in a better place at the time than when I was 16. There's more info out there and an actual community now. I'm definitely not 'distressed' by it now. I'm only upset and a little guilty that I felt that way as a teen. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rhaenys Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 On 16/10/2017 at 0:28 PM, Homer said: I guess I'll have to be that person... No. If you didn't post before me I'd have to be that person No. I am not distressed by my asexuality and why should I be? Society puts it at an extreme importance and I give no fks about society. However I get why others may find it important and you seem to have it a bit tough. Is there anyone you trust that you can talk about it to? From your post there seems to be another aspect at play whether it be the meds or the libido but I'm no expert so I can't say. I second what Salted Karamel said as well. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rtlloyd98 Posted October 22, 2017 Share Posted October 22, 2017 Distressed? No. More self aware. To me it has always been the norm. Unlike my peers I never watched porn or masturbated. I wasn't really aware of what sex entailed. And when I realised all my mates started to do those things and begin sexual relationships I wasn't bothered. No one in school ever asked me out or kissed me so it didn't really bug me. So when I found out that "Asexuality" is a thing I didn't think much of it. It is just a word to me. I hope I've come over clearly. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DespicableMe Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I'm not distressed about it, I'm comfortable with who I am and happy living alone. It would be nice to have a special relationship with someone but I still wouldn't want to live with them. I'm a very independent person and I've never followed the crowd or tried to fit in, if I don't like doing something I just don't do it. That's been the case with smoking, drinking and having sex. It's never mattered to me that other people were doing these things and may have considered me boring, uptight or whatever. I've never felt the need to justify my choices to anyone and tbh no-one has every really challenged me or questioned my choices. That might be because I give off an aura of being unapproachable 😬 and I suppose if I don't like you I pretty much am. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rtlloyd98 Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 5 hours ago, DespicableMe said: I'm not distressed about it, I'm comfortable with who I am and happy living alone. It would be nice to have a special relationship with someone but I still wouldn't want to live with them. I'm a very independent person and I've never followed the crowd or tried to fit in, if I don't like doing something I just don't do it. That's been the case with smoking, drinking and having sex. It's never mattered to me that other people were doing these things and may have considered me boring, uptight or whatever. I've never felt the need to justify my choices to anyone and tbh no-one has every really challenged me or questioned my choices. That might be because I give off an aura of being unapproachable 😬 and I suppose if I don't like you I pretty much am. AH the aura of being unapproachable. The greatest superpower there is. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DespicableMe Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 To me, finding that I am asexual means that I now realise I am acting in accordance with my sexual orientation, as opposed to being a failed heterosexual. That gives me a missing peace of me. I spell peace incorrectly on purpose. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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