Very new to this idea. Very confused 28 yr old

[Ships]

Hello everyone , 

I apologise in advance if I should have posted this on another forum, it’s all a bit entwined. 

 

Im a 28 Yr old girl who only 10 months ago thought I was 99 percent straight (but always believed you fall in love with the person not the gender) 

 

i then fell in love with a woman, it was all complicated - I didn’t really identify as being a lesbian. I enjoyed in the first few months in engaging sexual activity, although definitely preferred the attention on her and not myself. (Never orgasmed with another person before) 

she has quite a high sex drive and so when I started to not want it as much until it was not at all it caused a lot of intimacy issues. We did talk about it a lot but I put it down to my libido was just really low. She didn’t want to persue sex because she felt like she was pressuring me and I’d hate myself for not wanting it . 

 

We we broke up yesterday , so it’s all very fresh. It wasn’t necessarily to do with sex , but she did say that she thought I just saw her as a friend, that we were just friends. 

 

The trouble is I still love her dearly , I loved cuddling her, holding her tight and all those type of things. I feared I just wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore. 

 

Its only looking back on my past straight relationships I remember me not wanting sex after the first few months as well, it would seem like a chore . 

 

I miss her her so much already , we both still love each other so it seems bizarre that we’ve ended it . We are in two different stages of life which didn’t help (she has a child and I am pretty damn free) but most days I could really imagine a future with her , even with the hurdles. I could imagine us being a little family , but not identifying as lesbian and being confused about all that has not helped my self confidence. 

 

We became distant in a strange way in the end, still so much love but I could tell she just thought I didn’t have my heart in it as much as her. So she became more withdrawn which made it harder then for me to connect . 

I started to believe that I didn’t love her as much as she loved me but I just don’t think that’s true 😔 

my libido just seems to be non existent at the moment , it’s not like I’m looking at men thinking I want that either. At the moment I honk I could be happy to never have sex again as long as I wasn’t lonely forever. 

 

I hope this this made sense, thank you to anyone who actually took the time to read the whole thing . 

I’m just feeling a little lost right now , and I’m surprising myself completely by finding myself here. 

 

Note - 

i didn’t really want to break up , but when she asked me if I thought of her as more of a friend I couldn’t lie , and of course one thing led to another and the break up happened , amicibally , with a lot of crying. 

It was our 6 months yesterday 😔

 

xox 

[Lichley]

Welcome, I'm sorry you had to deal with that, but I think I have a few things that might help. You're not less of a person and you don't love the, less just because you don't want sex with them, it's clear to see from this text alone just how deeply you cared for her, and how much you miss her now that she's gone. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you the way you hoped, but I hope you can look back on the good times you had with her with a smile someday. 

As for the 99% straight part, there is a term called heteroflexible which means that you're mostly attracted to guys but are attracted to girls in some way, it can definitely be used for mostly straight, but having loved someone female before. Just thought you might want to consider it.

[Ships]

Thank you @Lichley for your reply.

It made me cry, I think you saying that I didn’t love her any less is the part that means the most to me. 

I have felt less than her because , well, damn society tells us that sex is an important way to express ones love. And I didn’t realise how much that shit had seeped in as much as I don’t believe in it. 

So I have questioned myself. 

 

I hadn’t heard of heteroflexible before , at the moment though I don’t seem to feel attraction to either. 

Thanks again 🙂

 

[Ash_fi]

Hi Ships,

I'm new here too but my situation is somewhat close to yours. I'm sorry for us but at least knowing the reasons behind one's actions helps to retain from blaming anyone. Being sad is so much better than being bitter. That is the main thing so the love stays pure even if the relationship ends.

 

I've had a long intimate relationship where I've never really been all-in sexually. It led my partner thinking they might be coming on too strong on me. And thinking I might not love as much, since I don't carry the erotic aspect of attraction. To them the sexuality and feeling of being desired is important. To them something is missing if I don't send those signals back that they are attractive. Some people need that, feel that the act can not be complete without totally losing yourself to each other. I've tried being there but I can't feel the passion. Now that I realize I'm asexual they don't want to "do wrong" and touch me for they would like it to be completely mutual.

 

We broke up as a pair last week. But still we share the life, apartment and basically everything. I don't know if it's time to build up or tear down at this point. They don't want to rush but for me the waiting of possibly being replaced by a third party is agonizing at times.

 

They tell me that when good people are being true to themselves and each other, nothing really bad can happen. It's beautiful and I want to believe that.

[Lichley]

The problem I seem to find here is that many people on here see themselves less than their partners and others because of their sexuality. Being asexual doesn't make it any less of a person, in fact it gives you an interesting perspective on the depths of human relationships and a more open perspective on sexuality as a whole, as well as making you less prejudice, and more willing to help others who are experiencing sexuality problems.

So many people put themselves down for not being sexual, only to realise they were only being sexual due to societal expectations and didn't want sex at all. If there was more awareness and acceptance of asexuality, there would be less problems with people feeling worthless because of something that is just part of who they are.

[paperbackreader]

1 hour ago, Lichley said:

So many people put themselves down for not being sexual, only to realise they were only being sexual due to societal expectations and didn't want sex at all. If there was more awareness and acceptance of asexuality, there would be less problems with people feeling worthless because of something that is just part of who they are.

This little nugget made my day. Thank you. 

[Lichley]

 

7 hours ago, paperbackreader said:

This little nugget made my day. Thank you. 

Aww thank you 

[MrDane]

...and some things wear off as time goes and things turn into everyday/normality. This is where some aces discover, that the joy about sex, for them, had more to do with being happy about pleasing/playing along, than about their own needs. 

[Lichley]

15 hours ago, MrDane said:

...and some things wear off as time goes and things turn into everyday/normality. This is where some aces discover, that the joy about sex, for them, had more to do with being happy about pleasing/playing along, than about their own needs. 

Depends on the person. Some people are too uncomfortable with the idea to be able to go through with it, but other compromises intimacy wise are available.

[HellsBells]

On 10/15/2017 at 10:30 PM, Lichley said:

many people on here see themselves less than their partners and others because of their sexuality.

OMG yes. That.

[Lichley]

I see it so often and it really just makes me feel sad that they validate themselves solely on their ability to perform something they don't even want to do. Its not all about sex. You can still be an amazing partner without it, so why judge yourself on that alone?