What is a spark really?

[TeamYellowUmbrella]

When people talk about having a spark when kissing someone, what does that truly mean? I dated someone for two months, and I did fall in love with him, thinking he would be someone I would be with for so much longer. When I think of someone who loves me giving me a peck, I think it's cute from the sentiment, but making out is more out of curiosity than anything else. I do it because I wonder what the hype is about and thought my partner would enjoy it. I feel butterflies when I cuddle or am close to someone in a loving and intimate (but not usually a sexually intimate kind) of way. When it was on a minimal sexual attraction kind of way, it was always during specific activities that involved a close physical intimacy as well (like being kissed on the shoulder/neck), which I do not think defines the spark I am trying to describe. How do I know if I felt it or not, and if not, is that normal for other aces to not feel a spark when making out, even when they have different forms of attraction to their SO? 

[imnotafreakofnature!]

I think there can be different kinds of sparks, including intellectual and emotional. For most people (by that, I mean sexuals), it seems to happen when they see someone they find aesthetically pleasing. Although I'm not sure which comes first, the spark or the attraction. In other words, I don't know if it happens because they find someone physically pleasing to look at and therefore want to have sex with them, or if they find someone physically appealing because the spark is already ignited. It's like the chicken and the egg thing.

 

I'm a married ace in my 50s. Unfortunately, I didn't know asexuality was even a thing until about a year and a half ago. Consequently, I've been in several sexual relationships over the course of my life - not because I was interested in sex, but because that's the price you have to pay to be in a relationship - and I was eight years into my second marriage when I discovered asexuality. Although I've experienced sexual desire at times, I've never felt any need or desire to act on it, so for me, the "spark" (which I consider the beginning of falling in love with someone, not physical/sexual attraction to someone who looks good) has always been either emotional or intellectual.

 

Since the "spark" is usually a way of saying that a sexual person was sexually aroused or turned on by someone or something, I think it's perfectly normal for an asexual person not to feel it when engaging in physical/sexual activities, since we don't find our meaning and emotional satisfaction in a relationship the way sexual people do. I guess the bottom line is that whatever the "spark" is will be different for everyone, and we most likely won't know whether or not we've experienced it untill we've defined for ourselves what it is.

 

Not much help, is it?

[OldSoul]

I usually tie the idea of a 'spark' as being the physical romantic portion, being it's usually what "dies" when people fall out of infatuation.

But I suppose "spark" could be used to describe a special compatibility of personalities. 

[TeamYellowUmbrella]

How do I know I have that kind of physical spark though? If I don't feel that much when I kissed someone I love, do you think that contributes to being on the ace spectrum?

[Homer]

I'd say that if you're not sure if you felt it, you probably didn't.

 

You might want to try to compare it to some other activity of your choice... hmmm... *thinks* take learning for a subject at school for example. Imagine you have a hard time getting your head around a concept and then all of a sudden it hits you: "Oh, that's how it's done correctly!" You know, this "lightbulb moment"... that kind of spark. It just hits you.

 

Also, there is no such thing as an ace spectrum. It's a yes/no thing, just like a light switch. You either feel this kind of attraction (or desire) or you don't. Sexuality is a spectrum, asexuality is one extreme point on this spectrum.

 

Hope this helps

[TeamYellowUmbrella]

I had strong emotional, intellectual, mental, facial, romantic and sexual (very rare for me to ever be aroused. It has to be with someone I love and it still is very rare for me to ever be aroused) attractions to him. The thing I am not sure if not having a spark like that is normal, especially if he didn't end up having feelings in that way, or if kissing is just not something as interesting, fun, and comforting to me as it is to others.

[aimyourarrows]

I've been wondering a similar thing with the spark. I recently started a ~somewhat romantic relationship with a friend who's been interested in me and though I'm pretty sure I like her back and enjoy being physically close, don't really feel any kind of spark while kissing. I actually feel pretty awkward just not being able to get into it. Made me really question my feelings for a while but I think I'm just not into kissing in general, probably also somewhat aromantic.

[argar]

This thread reminded me of this:

 

Although I don't really have anything to base this on, I think the "spark" is a chemical reaction.

 

And like @OldSoul mention this "spark" ends, but the way I think of it, all chemical reactions come to an end eventually.

 

I think the right dose, in the right quantities, leads to this feeling.

 

I guess also being in the right frame of mind, or the right susceptible frame of mind, leads to the reaction as well.

[MarmadukeMcFluffy]

When I think of the 'spark' I think of two different things. First there's the intellectual spark, when I am talking to someone and I have this 'aha' moment when I realise 'yes this person is great, we work well together, there's potential here' and suddenly they seem far more interesting than other people. it's similar to the 'flow' state of mind, when you are so completely immersed in something that you enter a sort of euphoric state in which everything is just works. Then there's the physical spark, which I feel when kissing or doing other sensual things, a tight tingly sensation in the middle of my chest.

[argar]

Of course the other thing I think of is Transformers. Lol