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Husband is trans


Stheg

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So for national coming out day, my husband told me he's trans. He believes he should have been female and is very depressed that he's not. I think I took it as well as could be expected, but I do feel a little deceived. Not that I think he was trying to be deceptive, but it is challenging that we've been married a couple years now and he's just decided he's trans. He has said that he will never come out of the closet. We come from very similar insular religious communities where everyone in the lgtbqia community is considered to be mentally deranged and destined for eternal damnation. If you come out, you have a death wish. Our families would disown us. He also doesn't want to do anything that would out me, since I'm a closeted ace. That said, I obviously can't talk to anyone in real life about this since I don't know anyone who is supportive of the lgtbqia community. Anyone dealt with something similar? Any tips on processing something like this when you can't talk about it?

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You can talk about it, to your husband. Beyond you two, it's not really anyones business what he (she?) is. 

 

And I've never had a partner come out as trans after the fact, but I have dated someone who is trans before. I think it's hard for people to figure out their gender identity and even harder to open up about it, because so many people hate them for it. If your husband doesn't want to socially transition, is anything going to actually change between you? 

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If that's how she feels, and you love this human, than you should do your best to accept it. That being said, open a dialogue with her about your concerns. 
Mind you, being in the wrong body is a painful and confusing experience, and you are probably the only person she can tell.
I hope the best for you two. :)

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This is probably something that they've pent up and hidden for a very long time, possibly not even personally confronted about before your marriage. It may seem sudden, but it's likely to be a long process of personal searching and self-realization.

 

This is something that needs to be talked about. If you're in a community that doesn't openly accept LGBT, one option is to take a 'road trip' out of state/country to an area that is, book an appointment with a counselor, and find a way to work this out. Perhaps you can find a counselor who'd be willing to handle this over the phone or through emails. It's not the same as doing it face-to-face, but it's worth something.

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18 hours ago, Stheg said:

So for national coming out day, my husband told me he's trans. He believes he should have been female and is very depressed that he's not. I think I took it as well as could be expected, but I do feel a little deceived. Not that I think he was trying to be deceptive, but it is challenging that we've been married a couple years now and he's just decided he's trans. He has said that he will never come out of the closet. We come from very similar insular religious communities where everyone in the lgtbqia community is considered to be mentally deranged and destined for eternal damnation. If you come out, you have a death wish. Our families would disown us. He also doesn't want to do anything that would out me, since I'm a closeted ace. That said, I obviously can't talk to anyone in real life about this since I don't know anyone who is supportive of the lgtbqia community. Anyone dealt with something similar? Any tips on processing something like this when you can't talk about it?

@Stheg Did he just decide or did he come to terms with the fact now, or did he not really know or had he somehow known for a long time or did he just decide to come out to you, perhaps since he knew you would try to understand him. Does he want something to change in your relationship? (between you two in private?)

 

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21 hours ago, Stheg said:

We come from very similar insular religious communities where everyone in the lgtbqia community is considered to be mentally deranged and destined for eternal damnation. If you come out, you have a death wish. Our families would disown us. He also doesn't want to do anything that would out me, since I'm a closeted ace. That said, I obviously can't talk to anyone in real life about this since I don't know anyone who is supportive of the lgtbqia community. Anyone dealt with something similar? Any tips on processing something like this when you can't talk about it?

I come from a fairly insulated religious community, there are definitely people I feel safe talking about stuff with and others I don't feel safe talking with. Not everyone in your community is owed the intimate truths of your lives. It is totally  reasonable to keep  people in the dark. ---that is as long as you both are okay.

 

Can I ask what religious background? (PM if you'd rather)

-Jewel

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3 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Stheg Did he just decide or did he come to terms with the fact now, or did he not really know or had he somehow known for a long time or did he just decide to come out to you, perhaps since he knew you would try to understand him. Does he want something to change in your relationship? (between you two in private?)

 

He just determined it. He said he's always felt female, but there's a lot of gender brainwashing in both of our backgrounds, so it's taken him a long time to realize it. He wants to change some things, but he's still shell-shocked. I think he'd be willing to do just about anything to not be trans. Being anything other than heterosexual in our background is like offering yourself to the wolves.

 

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57 minutes ago, Jewel Bright said:

I come from a fairly insulated religious community, there are definitely people I feel safe talking about stuff with and others I don't feel safe talking with. Not everyone in your community is owed the intimate truths of your lives. It is totally  reasonable to keep  people in the dark. ---that is as long as you both are okay.

 

Can I ask what religious background? (PM if you'd rather)

-Jewel

It's a Christian community, but it's a very conservative one. Pretty similar to the Duggar background if you're familiar with that. We're planning to keep people in the dark, but it's very exhausting to lead a completely secret life. 

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1 hour ago, Stheg said:

t's a Christian community, but it's a very conservative one. Pretty similar to the Duggar background if you're familiar with that. We're planning to keep people in the dark, but it's very exhausting to lead a completely secret life. 

I have a very religious Christian background. There are many wonderful things that I love about my faith, and so much that I wouldn't compromise, but I have recently been taking a hard look at what I might need to distance myself from.  

 

Without leaving the community you have, is there any way that you can add a more supportive community into your life as well? I could recommend some supportive Christian communities that you might want to check out, but there is also a lot of books and online communities.  Both you and your husband are worthy and you matter. I hope for you that you can be affirmed in your personhood and in your questions and struggles.

 

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you find Christian affirming resources.

-Jewel

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1 hour ago, Jewel Bright said:

I have a very religious Christian background. There are many wonderful things that I love about my faith, and so much that I wouldn't compromise, but I have recently been taking a hard look at what I might need to distance myself from.  

 

Without leaving the community you have, is there any way that you can add a more supportive community into your life as well? I could recommend some supportive Christian communities that you might want to check out, but there is also a lot of books and online communities.  Both you and your husband are worthy and you matter. I hope for you that you can be affirmed in your personhood and in your questions and struggles.

 

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you find Christian affirming resources.

-Jewel

Honestly, we're both sort of on our way out of the community to some extent, but we stay because our family is still part of it. He's a lot more committed to it than I am at the moment. I've had ideological differences with the community for years now, the sexuality thing might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, at least for me. I've been thinking about trying to find a lgtbqia group, even if it's kind of far just because I need to talk to other people in real life. Most of the stuff we've found online so far is very lgtbqia phobic. 

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1 hour ago, Stheg said:

the sexuality thing might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, at least for me.

My suggestion, for what its worth, is that you look up a United Church of Christ pastor in your area. I know that you can have a confidential conversation. Though the UCC is significantly outside of your religious circles, they still come from a place of faith and would understand the ways that the church and sex/gender get mixed up.

 

A key word in looking for an lgbtqia+ religious community is "open and affirming" 

(Feel free to PM if you want.)

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21 hours ago, Stheg said:

He just determined it. He said he's always felt female, but there's a lot of gender brainwashing in both of our backgrounds, so it's taken him a long time to realize it. He wants to change some things, but he's still shell-shocked. I think he'd be willing to do just about anything to not be trans. Being anything other than heterosexual in our background is like offering yourself to the wolves.

 

Sometimes the comming out is big changer of things. Now some things are out in the open and the words cannot completely be taken back. (I know that the 'open' is just amongst the two of you) Now it is a matter of finding out how and how much is important to him. 

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