Help? Bringing Up Asexuality with a Partner

[SinglePurposeSignUp]

Hi there, first time posting here, and though I've read through some of these threads, apologies in advance if I'm being redundant.

 

I'm not ace, but I think my girlfriend is. I've tried bringing up asexuality casually, as this site suggests, and she immediately responded to the label of demisexual, but only spoke about it (briefly) in the way that she can't feel attracted to someone without knowing them first. I've tried encouraging her to seek out ace resources to expand on this new discovery, but she doesn't seem to think that's necessary. 

 

However, I don't think this covers the scope of her presence on the ace spectrum, and I wanted to ask if there is a tactful way to talk to your partner about them possibly being ace, or if it would only feel accusatory and presumptuous.

 

Anyway, here's some context:

 

My girlfriend and I are both cis women in our early twenties. The beginning of our relationship was very sexual, as far as I knew enthusiastically so, but as time has gone on we've had less and less sex. Right now, I think we've slept together 3 times in the past 6 months, and for about a year she's turned down most if not all offers of being the one on the "receiving end" of things. This extends to most physical intimate contact even outside of a fully sexual encounter.

 

I do have doubts, however, because other factors could be affecting her sex drive, such as problems with mental health, chronic physical pain, or just regular ol' Lesbian Bed Death. If that's the case, I'll feel very silly.

 

I'm also reluctant to bring this up because the last thing I want is for her to have sex with me out of a sense of obligation. She has been in an abusive relationship and experienced other sexual trauma, and I don't want to be another person who's let her down in that way. I know this is a heavy subject for her and I'm worried I could retraumatize her.

 

This is further complicated because, back when we were still having sex a few times a month (maybe a little less than a year ago), she brought up how insecure she was that I might think we weren't having enough sex, to the point where she had a panic attack and tearfully asked me to promise her we were, which I did even though I had noticed by that point her sex drive had been lowering (though back then I thought it would be a passing phase). So now I feel like I've lied to her. At least by omission at this point.

 

I know I can't go on keeping these feelings to myself. I feel tremendous guilt for holding them in as long as I have, and now I honestly don't know what will happen to our relationship if I bring this up. I want to be patient for her, but I do feel like this has reached a critical point.

 

I'd like to talk to her about our sexual relationship, but I don't want her to feel judged, pressured, or like I'm hijacking her narrative and ascribing a term to her she doesn't identify with. If she is ace and wants to figure out how that will affect us together, I think our relationship could survive, but I want us to be open about it and I don't know how to do that.

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice on this. Thanks so much for taking the time to read <3

[Curious Decay]

I think you can just bring it up with a frank conversation, be honest open, and serious, while not being overly so. You can bring it up like any other topic, and move into the nitty gritty as the convo goes on (ex: So, have you ever heard of being asex?) and move on from there.

[banoffeepie]

Just to say that you're so supportive it seems crazy if there isn't a solution.

Loads of asexuals come here in a right state because they're losing their partner. People would kill  for your support, patience and loyalty.

Of course you've gotta talk like @Curious Decay says and try to go through the info in the resource and help areas of the forum together if possible.

 

i really hope it works out, if it doesn't you've done your very best, and can be happy in the knowledge that you've got all the right qualities to make something work.

 

 

[Moonchaser]

Because it's not you announcing you're ace, but you wondering if your girlfriend is, I would avoid telling her you think she is ace. I think instead it might be a good idea to find a couple of good articles that hit on why you think she might be, and share them with her. Maybe just say, "I found these interesting. What do you think?"

 

I would avoid outright telling her what you think.