Aroaces who relate to the term aromantic more

[quietcrayon]

(Prepare for a nonsensical ramble that'll be all about me and probably get very off topic. Sorry to any alloromantics who might get offended, I just really don't understand romance)

 

I identify as aromantic and asexual. I've always resonated more with 'Aromantic' than 'Asexual' though, which differs a lot from people I've met and seen online.

 

Perhaps its because I discovered the word asexual around the time in highschool when you learn about asexual reproduction (now begin my mitosis). But I have two strange reasons that I'd like to see if any other aroaces connect with:

 

I have a very specific perspective of the world and humans, thats very idk animalistic? Real? Natural? I need a word, but let me a explain. Maybe it is because I'm autochorissexual, ace flux, or just a sex positive ace (its really fucking hard to tell, and I'm not concerned about finding a specific label), but I understand sex/sexual attraction, or get the appeal. Humans are animals and have sexual urges and thats just that (not that its unnatural to not want/have sex). But romance is just such an odd concept to me. Its a very 'human' idea. Dates specifically confuse me, but that brings me to my next point.

 

Structured, perfect and utopia like ideas make me extremely uncomfortable. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, but I had this one friend who had a perfect family (picture an always happy, herterosexual, suburban family) and they freaked me out. I'm also very spontaneous and do not enjoy routine. I feel like I can connect this to my romance repulsion because thats how I view relationships. Its like: you find someone 'attractive' ask them out, go and dates, possibly move in together, get married, it just seems so unnatural. The amount of work you supposedly put into them as well, sacrifices, why? Dates, 'lets set up specific times to do specific stuff'? 

 

This makes me seem like some naive child, especially considering my language and grammar, but theres simply no other words that I can use to explain my perspective here.

 

I just ???

 

There is mountains more I wish I could add, but this topic is more like web of ideas to me that I'm having difficulty putting in proper paragraphs. 

 

Anyone relate? Or understand at the least? Or can explain the appeal in romantic relationships?

[Lichley]

Yeah, I get where your coming from. Romance is the most confusing thing. You don't necessarily have to go with the cliché dates, they can be spontaneous and fun if you want them to be. It's more about "We can't do this now, when are we both available to do it next". 

Most romantic relationships are about the strong emotional connection between people, and the desire to have your feelings towards another reciprocated, but not sexually, just through small gestures of affection like holding hands or kissing or all of that cliché. It's honestly quite hard to describe, but it's mostly just about hormones.

In the initial relationship oxytocin (hug hormone) and dopamine (excitement hormone) are released causing this euphoric effect that many have tried and failed to describe. For a long term relationship to work out they have to be ready to give up dopamine (excitement) for serotonin (contentment and wellbeing). 

I'm really really bad at describing things, but hopefully this gives you an idea based on generalised emotions?

[Crunches_Cats_Coffee]

1 hour ago, quietcrayon said:

 

I'm so happy to see this thread!!! I identify as aromantic and bisexual- and I agree with you, aromantic people are definitely in the minority (at least online) in the ace spectrum.

 

I don't share the same confusion with dating or marriage (it theoretically increases your chance of mating by showing nurturing behavior and your capabilities as a provider and protector- which apparently most people find fulfilling????), but commitment/attachment repulses me in a way that sex does not.  Aces like to talk about squishes, and that is my idea of TORTURE.  I have a way more positive reaction to bizarre fetishes than I do to cuddling (which repulses me unless you're an animal) because it's not the sex that turns me off, but the attachment (neediness/expectations for cuddling/kissing/future hookups/not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings when I view them essentially as a poor mans sex toy) 😝

 

But trying to tell people you find people attractive but you're not only not interested in sex- but actively repulsed by the social requirements- is awkward to say the least. even something like a "hookup" has too much attachment that makes the encounter unappealing.

[Guest]

I just recently started seeing relationships as buddy systems.

 

[quietcrayon]

21 hours ago, Crunches_Cats_Coffee said:

(it theoretically increases your chance of mating by showing nurturing behavior and your capabilities as a provider and protector- which apparently most people find fulfilling????), but commitment/attachment repulses me in a way that sex does not.  Aces like to talk about squishes, and that is my idea of TORTURE.  I have a way more positive reaction to bizarre fetishes than I do to cuddling (which repulses me unless you're an animal) because it's not the sex that turns me off, but the attachment (neediness/expectations for cuddling/kissing/future hookups/not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings when I view them essentially as a poor mans sex toy) 😝

 

But trying to tell people you find people attractive but you're not only not interested in sex- but actively repulsed by the social requirements- is awkward to say the least. even something like a "hookup" has too much attachment that makes the encounter unappealing.

Yeah that makes sense. Its that emotional attachment/neediness/expectations and social requirements that ruins it for me. Glad I'm not the only one.

[Sleepy Skeleton]

Romantic relationships just feel like a trap to me. Like I'm imagining myself as a bird tied to another bird that doesn't let me fly where I want to fly and instead drags me along everywhere.

 

Back when I only ID'd as aromantic asexual, I always put emphasis on the aromantic. I know I sound petty, but frankly I'm sick of people explaining asexuality and always including "asexuals can still love!!!!! !!! wwe're just like everyone else except whe don't want sex!!!" Hah, not me. I don't like sex or romance.

[Éadweard]

I don’t relate to the term more. But I relate to Aromantic conversations more. 

[Éadweard]

12 hours ago, Sleepy Skeleton said:

Romantic relationships just feel like a trap to me. Like I'm imagining myself as a bird tied to another bird that doesn't let me fly where I want to fly and instead drags me along everywhere.

 

Back when I only ID'd as aromantic asexual, I always put emphasis on the aromantic. I know I sound petty, but frankly I'm sick of people explaining asexuality and always including "asexuals can still love!!!!! !!! wwe're just like everyone else except whe don't want sex!!!" Hah, not me. I don't like sex or romance.

I never add aromantic when I tell people I’m asexual for the very reason you state. I refuse to allow “romantic” asexuals to try to force me to label myself to differentiate me from them. I’m just as asexual as they are. 

[Galactic Turtle]

The idea of love and romance as it exists today really didn't become a thing until recently especially if you track the development of Eurocentric ideas of romance. The entire thing seems manufactured and while romance does remain the goal for many people I think certain types of people are more predisposed to being wrapped up in those types of feelings.

 

Kind of like the OP said, I can identify a reason for sex but romance seems rather frivolous or arbitrary. It's because so many people are in this cloud of romantic fantasy or ideal that I feel so disconnected from a large portion of the population. It's just really hard for me to understand. I get that we're social creatures and tend to form family or other social units but... romance? I just... it's frustrating to think about.

 

I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or not although given my lack of desire for sexual or sensual activity I don't think it really matters what my romantic orientation is if there even is such a thing.

[IceHurricane]

I'm with you that I relate more to the aromantic part than the asexual part of me, but our reasonings are a little different. It's probably because sex isn't a deal-breaker for me when I'm with someone, while romance is. I enjoy sex, I think it feels good. It's just not a 'need' for me and I find it boring. But romance, on the other hand, I resent it. It just annoys me. I don't understand it and I don't want anything to do with it. While sex can physically feel good to me, I don't feel anything when it comes to romance. It just makes me uncomfortable and I'm sitting there like "why is that so important to you? I don't get it.". I've had sex, and I've been in relationships, and I believe sex is the lesser evil of the two.  

[F1shCake]

I can't really imagine a romance that isn't friendship with kissing, but allos talk as if they're something deeper.

[hippiecat]

I'm the same. Also, I feel like aromanticism is the thing that affects my life more - not being in a relationship is noticed by other people. But if I were in an asexual relationship, no one would know about our (lack of a) sex life.

[quietcrayon]

On 2017-10-13 at 10:44 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

The idea of love and romance as it exists today really didn't become a thing until recently especially if you track the development of Eurocentric ideas of romance. The entire thing seems manufactured and while romance does remain the goal for many people I think certain types of people are more predisposed to being wrapped up in those types of feelings.

 

Kind of like the OP said, I can identify a reason for sex but romance seems rather frivolous or arbitrary. It's because so many people are in this cloud of romantic fantasy or ideal that I feel so disconnected from a large portion of the population. It's just really hard for me to understand. I get that we're social creatures and tend to form family or other social units but... romance? I just... it's frustrating to think about.

 

I'm not sure if I'm aromantic or not although given my lack of desire for sexual or sensual activity I don't think it really matters what my romantic orientation is if there even is such a thing.

Thankyou for responding! Your whole thing really resonated with me.

[Homer]

I guess it just depends on which of the two has a greater impact on your life and how you perceive your surroundings. If you "understand" sex and are okay with having it, there's not much difference from plain ol' sexuals to be seen from the outside. It wouldn't strike you as odd unless you really got to talk things through with a person.

 

Now it seems like romance is different. If you stumble upon something regularly, thinking "WTF is that, why is it happening and why do people look at me funny for not getting it", this actually has an impact on you. In a way, your aromanticism shapes your life much more than your sexuality, which makes it much more important.