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Struggling1

Any hope? Options?

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Struggling1   
Struggling1

We've been married 10 years and have 2 great kids. My wife is highly intelligent, professional, private, cold and doesn't have much of a social life. Everything is work and family actually for both of us. The coldness has never been a problem to me because I get her, am proud of her, and I am fine as the leader in the social arena. We are both professionals. No medical or financial issues. Our sex when dating was never outrageous but fine. She was more sexually aggressive when dating. Since marriage it died off. For the last 5-7 years, we have repeatedly discussed my desire for more intimacy over the years and although she would begrudgingly consent, it was always without mutual interest which was uninspiring. Eye rolls, grunting, no foreplay, etc... it was only to get me off and clearly nothing more. She wouldn't let me do anything for her. She is not touchy-feely or affectionate--stating that even handholding is odd to her. She doesn't share positive life events. Everything is kept very close to the vest but she has always been like this. 

 

After a recent surgery, even then, she showed little care for my wellbeing. She characterized my pain complaints from back surgery as having a man cold. During that recovery, I had a lot of time to think about the relationship issues and to do research which only made me more upset. Much information on the web was founded on romance that needed a new spark--but I don't think we ever had a big spark. Much on the web and in books addressed sexual techniques partners should try--but she has never let me.   

 

I have tried getting her to warm up  over the years by pushing for intimacy, backing off from intimacy, buying her jewelry, doing even more around the house, vacations (but she will only go w the kids), bought her a vibrator to use on her own, by trying to go down on her (which she won't allow), by asking her what I can do etc... I can't think of anything else. She won't let me go down on her and won't do anything sexual at all other than tell me I have 2 minutes to try to get off during sex. If it lasts longer than several minutes, the complaints start. She says she simply has no or minimal desire but will do it for me. It is depressing. 

 

She was offended when I asked her if she was asexual. I know that may have been the wrong thing to directly say but I was sick of beating around the bush. She says she is not asexual and that I am just trying to label her with a problem. She refuses therapy or counseling or hormone therapy because she claims I just want a third party to take my side. She says her lack of interest does not bother her, so she says it is not a problem and is not a dysfunction. To which I respond with the statement that if it is important to me, isn't it important to her and is t she missing out on an important part of life... She defends her total disinterest by claiming she knows others that don't have sex with their spouses and that I should be happy with the amount I receive. It's not entirely the frequency but it is the overall complete lack of mutual desire or interest. I don't want her to only view sex as something she hates but is doing to keep me from leaving her. I have told her I'm not going anywhere. 

 

She honestly says that she has never enjoyed sex with anyone and views an orgasm as nothing more than a sneeze--whether from her own use of a vibrator or from any other method of stimulation. She has only started trying to use a vibrator to activate some interest but who knows if that will work.  She says she has always viewed sex as something of zero value, as a waste of time, and only does it bc it is important to me. She thinks sex is gross and would rather sleep or do about anything else. She has made that crystal clear. However it is important to me for us to have an affectionate relationship--beyond just sex--and for sex to be pleasurable to HER. 

 

She recently told me she never told me about this bc she wanted to marry me. However she was even not happy we "had" to have sex the night of our wedding bc I was drunk and it was late and I lasted too long after drinking. This is outrageous in my mind to misrepresent oneself but I want to work through it somehow. I just don't know how and I don't want to miss such an important part of life...BUT I want her to be there with me. 

 

At this point having exhausted everything I can think of and after feeling abandoned and mocked when I was recovering from surgery I could only think that this coldness is just too much and the problems finally became clear. I don't want to be abandoned and dying someday with a wife who has no sympathy or empathy or affection and who is not attentive or caring. 

 

She says she doesn't want a divorce even though one would think she does given the honest summary above. I do believe her that she doesn't want a divorce. She even has said that men have concubines for this reason. Even if she fooled me for years, how can we develop or gain love affection and intimacy--or is that just too much to expect from some people? She is sometimes warm with our kids--so she is capable of it. Does this sound like asexuality or something else? What can I do? Arggg...

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Lichley   
Lichley

Sorry if I don't address,the asexuality part, but I felt the need to point this out first, your trying to reach out to her, to find a compromise and to jump start your marriage, but has she tried that? It sounds like she's not even trying. You were mocked  when recovering from surgery, told that labelling her was offensive and visiting a psychologist or councillor was you trying to manipulate her, she rolls her eyes and gets annoyed when she agrees to "let you" have sex, says you should be happy with the amount you receive and that many spouses get none at all with no evidence, gives you a time limit for sex, and is often friendlier to your children than to you.

This doesn't sound like the happiest of marriages. She clearly refuses to listen to what you have to say, doesn't value what you say, and treats your needs with distain. You might want to look into divorce if she keeps being unreasonable. She may be asexual but she's treating your thoughts and feelings like nothing, and that's not healthy in a relationship.

Sorry if I assumed some things, but from what you've described it really doesn't sound like you should stay in the marriage.

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TheSmokingSkellie   
TheSmokingSkellie

Afraid I have to agree with Lich, this seems like a highly unhealthy relationship. I know you love her and would like to stay with her but from the sounds of it figuring out whether she's asexual or not is the least of the problems you've stated here. 

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Alamoraine   
Alamoraine

I agree with Lichley.

 

I've been married for 7 years and counting and we don't have sex, so she is right about there being some couples that don't do it. HOWEVER, we both see to it that the other is happy and content, and when something happens, we support each other and try to work through it together. Neither of us ever puts our own needs as more important than the other's; we realize that the happiness of us both creates the balance we need.


Unfortunately, what it looks like to me is that as long as SHE believes nothing is wrong, then nothing is wrong, and that's not a good mindset. You can't consider it a happy or stable marriage unless the BOTH of you are happy, not just her. All of this you're saying about how she's telling you how lucky you are to get any at all, and how trivial your own wants and needs are is DEFINITELY not good; in fact it's downright toxic. She needs to realize that your feelings matter too, and be willing to explore alternatives and compromise; you can always put it to her that you can both benefit from it in the end, since apparently your trying to make things more intimate on your own is annoying her.

 

I hate to say it, but I don't foresee any sort of positive progress if she can't even admit that there's an issue and is willing to work on it. You might have to end up being blunt with her and tell her that you can't continue with your marriage the way it is and expect to just be happy and content.

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Feys&Florets   
Feys&Florets

A lot of points in your post does strike a similar tone to how asexuals would view sex: "She says she has always viewed sex as something of zero value, as a waste of time" She might be sexual and simply not enjoy sex, that's a possibility. Being asexual isn't a dysfunction - it's just part of being who we are. If she is, there's going to be a lot of things that will need to be worked out. And yes, lots of couples can be happy without sex. Lots of asexual couples can be happy, and sexual couples too. Or even mixed asexual and sexual. But the key part is, both participants need to work something out and find a compromise with each other. She might see the '2 minute time limit' to be compromise enough, but it's not enough for you. This is hurting you enough that you took the incentive to seek out advice on an ace site.

 

There's no shame in taking counseling. There are established, well-off members of society who seek counseling to manage stress, emotions, and whatever else counseling provides. I would understand her dislike for the suggestion, as not every counselor can click in and help with the patient. So it's a bit of looking around to find someone that can help.

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TheAP   
TheAP

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality co-mod

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Telecaster68   
Telecaster68

Struggling

 

The lack of sex is the last of your problems, though it pretty much symbolises them all. 

 

Regardless of whether it's sex or a back problem bad enough for surgery, she dismisses and minimises your concerns, and flat refuses to consider addressing them, or even that they cause her a moment's concern. Does that sound like a loving partner to you? 

 

Normally, a couple would work on this stuff together, for their mutual benefit because they care about each other. But since she won't take on her half of the job, all you can do is work on you. She probably won't like that, but she doesn't get a say, since she's opted out of any kind of emotional support being part of your marriage. 

 

So you need to assume that won't change, and figure out what's best for you. I'd suggest your own individual counselling or therapy as a starting point to dealing with your pain, and keep an open mind where that may lead. Look after you - she's not going to. 

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Struggling1   
Struggling1

 I will try to write this from her perspective, which I believe to understand quite well.  My responding  thoughts are then in parentheses.  

 

 She has no sexual desire.  It is not important to her and  it does not bother her. 

 

She would say she is trying in the relationship because she lets me have sex with her. 

 

She has said she works hard and is tired and does more around the house than I do. (We both work hard but she does more around the house with cooking and kids scheduling but we have a live in nanny for the kids and a housekeeper). 

 

She has said marriage Counseling or sex therapy is a waste of time and money because studies show that the majority of relationships through counseling end in divorce. (I say it works for some and doesn't for others but I am desperate for something to help)

 

 She says we have incompatible sex drives. (Agree  but I would like to think that there is something I can do to give her some pleasure somehow--or should I just take the sex and shut up?) 

 

She says she has not changed. (I would say in response her distaste for sex was just never disclosed, was hidden, and I thought she would open up). 

 

She he says she is not asexual. ( my response to that would simply be that there is therefore hope in having sexual compatibility, but then why would she not let me do something sexually that is enjoyable to her and why would she say the she even views an orgasm from her own use of a vibrator as merely a worthless sneeze.)

 

She says she never wants a divorce and will never cheat. (So what is she seeking from a marriage? A roommate to pay bills?)

 

She sleeps in a different room because she says she is a light sleeper and I snore. (I don't snore too bad and stopped the snoring by buying an expensive bed to raise my head and a mouth piece that has worked to stop snoring but she still sleeps in another room).

 

No cuddling because she wants her own space and would rather sleep.  

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Treesarepretty   
Treesarepretty
10 hours ago, Struggling1 said:

We've been married 10 years and have 2 great kids. My wife is highly intelligent, professional, private, cold and doesn't have much of a social life. Everything is work and family actually for both of us. The coldness has never been a problem to me because I get her, am proud of her, and I am fine as the leader in the social arena. We are both professionals. No medical or financial issues. Our sex when dating was never outrageous but fine. She was more sexually aggressive when dating. Since marriage it died off. For the last 5-7 years, we have repeatedly discussed my desire for more intimacy over the years and although she would begrudgingly consent, it was always without mutual interest which was uninspiring. Eye rolls, grunting, no foreplay, etc... it was only to get me off and clearly nothing more. She wouldn't let me do anything for her. She is not touchy-feely or affectionate--stating that even handholding is odd to her. She doesn't share positive life events. Everything is kept very close to the vest but she has always been like this. 

 

After a recent surgery, even then, she showed little care for my wellbeing. She characterized my pain complaints from back surgery as having a man cold. During that recovery, I had a lot of time to think about the relationship issues and to do research which only made me more upset. Much information on the web was founded on romance that needed a new spark--but I don't think we ever had a big spark. Much on the web and in books addressed sexual techniques partners should try--but she has never let me.   

 

I have tried getting her to warm up  over the years by pushing for intimacy, backing off from intimacy, buying her jewelry, doing even more around the house, vacations (but she will only go w the kids), bought her a vibrator to use on her own, by trying to go down on her (which she won't allow), by asking her what I can do etc... I can't think of anything else. She won't let me go down on her and won't do anything sexual at all other than tell me I have 2 minutes to try to get off during sex. If it lasts longer than several minutes, the complaints start. She says she simply has no or minimal desire but will do it for me. It is depressing. 

 

She was offended when I asked her if she was asexual. I know that may have been the wrong thing to directly say but I was sick of beating around the bush. She says she is not asexual and that I am just trying to label her with a problem. She refuses therapy or counseling or hormone therapy because she claims I just want a third party to take my side. She says her lack of interest does not bother her, so she says it is not a problem and is not a dysfunction. To which I respond with the statement that if it is important to me, isn't it important to her and is t she missing out on an important part of life... She defends her total disinterest by claiming she knows others that don't have sex with their spouses and that I should be happy with the amount I receive. It's not entirely the frequency but it is the overall complete lack of mutual desire or interest. I don't want her to only view sex as something she hates but is doing to keep me from leaving her. I have told her I'm not going anywhere. 

 

She honestly says that she has never enjoyed sex with anyone and views an orgasm as nothing more than a sneeze--whether from her own use of a vibrator or from any other method of stimulation. She has only started trying to use a vibrator to activate some interest but who knows if that will work.  She says she has always viewed sex as something of zero value, as a waste of time, and only does it bc it is important to me. She thinks sex is gross and would rather sleep or do about anything else. She has made that crystal clear. However it is important to me for us to have an affectionate relationship--beyond just sex--and for sex to be pleasurable to HER. 

 

She recently told me she never told me about this bc she wanted to marry me. However she was even not happy we "had" to have sex the night of our wedding bc I was drunk and it was late and I lasted too long after drinking. This is outrageous in my mind to misrepresent oneself but I want to work through it somehow. I just don't know how and I don't want to miss such an important part of life...BUT I want her to be there with me. 

 

At this point having exhausted everything I can think of and after feeling abandoned and mocked when I was recovering from surgery I could only think that this coldness is just too much and the problems finally became clear. I don't want to be abandoned and dying someday with a wife who has no sympathy or empathy or affection and who is not attentive or caring. 

 

She says she doesn't want a divorce even though one would think she does given the honest summary above. I do believe her that she doesn't want a divorce. She even has said that men have concubines for this reason. Even if she fooled me for years, how can we develop or gain love affection and intimacy--or is that just too much to expect from some people? She is sometimes warm with our kids--so she is capable of it. Does this sound like asexuality or something else? What can I do? Arggg...

OMG we're married to the same woman! We should start a club. Did she tell you, too, that she would drop you off at a clinic and not come back until after you'd had a vasectomy? *nervous laughter* 

 

Seriously, though, I complain a lot about my wife, but even she wouldn't mock me for having pain after surgery. What you describe is really fucked up, and the fact that she won't bring in a "third party" like a therapist or endocrinologist is a neon sign that says she knows it is fucked up and doesn't want to change. 

 

Unless you have left out A LOT of good things, she doesn't care about you and never will. Do you know why she wants to stay with you? Is it because she is hell bent on having a dual income so she can live in a nice house that she couldn't afford otherwise? You said that she is sometimes warm with the kids, so how is she the rest of the time with them? Does she genuinely like the jewelry and vacations? 

 

My wife is also totally uninterested in sex except as a means to keep me of to have children, and she also talks about other couples she knows who also don't have sex and says I should be greatful for what I get. I asked her who these couples were, specifically, and it turned out that three were couples I had heard about where I knew the husband was a complete asshole to the wife, one was a couple that almost never spent time together due to their work schedule, and two had broken up or gotten a devorce. When I found out about that, I got upset that she would compare me to any of those other husbands, so now she still says she knows couples who waited longer before having sex and have less sex during marriage, but she won't tell me who any of them are. If you find out which couples your wife is referring to, you can probably put her on her back foot, too. Also there is the general point that the two of you are not those other couples. 

 

I'll be back with more thoughts later. 

 

Welcome, and please have some :cake:

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Stheg   
Stheg

I don't think you have a particularly healthy marriage and I would say the sex is the least of your problems. She seems quite obstinate with her opinions. I don't think she wants to hear any contradictory evidence and I wouldn't be surprised if she fabricated some of that evidence to purport her side.

 

I'm curious what she wants out of marriage because it seems like she really doesn't want anything. Maybe you could ask her what she thinks about that. 

 

That said, you spend a lot of time focusing on the fact you want her to enjoy sex. You can't make her enjoy sex. If sex is just a bodily function to her, she isn't all of a sudden going to like it. You can't fix that. You do have different sex drives, they might not be compatible and you might not be able to fix that, but that alone doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. 

 

How much sex other people have is irrelevant. She can't justify her total lack of interest in sex by saying that other people have less any more than you can justify your desire for sex by stating that some people have sex multiple times a day. You'll have to find something that works for both of you, though I honestly have no idea what that is. 

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Treesarepretty   
Treesarepretty
3 hours ago, Struggling1 said:

 I will try to write this from her perspective, which I believe to understand quite well.  My responding  thoughts are then in parentheses.  

 

 She has no sexual desire.  It is not important to her and  it does not bother her. 

 

She would say she is trying in the relationship because she lets me have sex with her. 

 

She has said she works hard and is tired and does more around the house than I do. (We both work hard but she does more around the house with cooking and kids scheduling but we have a live in nanny for the kids and a housekeeper). 

 

She has said marriage Counseling or sex therapy is a waste of time and money because studies show that the majority of relationships through counseling end in divorce. (I say it works for some and doesn't for others but I am desperate for something to help)

 

 She says we have incompatible sex drives. (Agree  but I would like to think that there is something I can do to give her some pleasure somehow--or should I just take the sex and shut up?) 

 

She says she has not changed. (I would say in response her distaste for sex was just never disclosed, was hidden, and I thought she would open up). 

 

She he says she is not asexual. ( my response to that would simply be that there is therefore hope in having sexual compatibility, but then why would she not let me do something sexually that is enjoyable to her and why would she say the she even views an orgasm from her own use of a vibrator as merely a worthless sneeze.)

 

She says she never wants a divorce and will never cheat. (So what is she seeking from a marriage? A roommate to pay bills?)

 

She sleeps in a different room because she says she is a light sleeper and I snore. (I don't snore too bad and stopped the snoring by buying an expensive bed to raise my head and a mouth piece that has worked to stop snoring but she still sleeps in another room).

 

No cuddling because she wants her own space and would rather sleep.  

If you think that you have eliminated snoring as the possible reason why she wants to sleep in separate rooms then I think you are right. The biggest problem with this aspect is the lying because that means that she doesn't want to fix whatever is actually wrong and doesn't want to just come out any say she wants to be alone, if that is all it really is. That would also explain the lack of cuddling. 

 

The part about most couples getting devorced after therapy is likely right because there is such stigma against therapy that most couples who need it don't get it soon enough and all or almost all couples who get it were on their way to devorce anyway. 

 

If you have BOTH a housekeeper and an aupair then I don't see how there is much housework anyway. Housework is not really an excuse for anything. 

 

When my wife tells me that at least I know she won't cheat, I tell her of a commercial for a car security system where the alternative security system was shown as chains, armed guards, electric fences and attack dogs and then the woman in the commercial turn to the camera and says, "Great. So now, how do I get out?" It is the same thing here: the fact that your wife won't have romance or sex with anyone else doesn't make it better that she is basically a rude housemate to you. 

 

What does any of this have to do with "man cold" and just not giving a shit about her spouse? 

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Feys&Florets   
Feys&Florets

@Struggling1 I recall watching a documentary where couples didn't want to bother with intimacy because they were just too tired by the end of their busy day. They would work work work, sleep, cycle repeat. Maybe you could bounce that idea?

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roland.o   
roland.o

Others have pointed out the problems quite well. So lets move on to the options. I'll just share my thoughts, and you pick up whatever makes sense to you.

 

She'll never enjoy sex. It's a chore to her. You're not likely to enjoy it either, because you want her to enjoy it as well. So, can you take sex off the table? Stop trying, and don't accept another two minutes if she offers them. It might make her more relaxed towards showing other kinds of affection, like hugging, though I wouldn't give it a high probability from what you wrote. It certainly will take away her argument that you should be happy about the amount you receive. Maybe you can make her understand that having sex with somebody who's not interested is like having a conversation with a parking meter. Not something to be happy about, no matter how often or how long you're getting it.

 

As for asexuality (and aromanticism), don't mention it again. It doesn't matter whether she is or not. She acts like it, and actions speak louder than words. Don't expect her to change anymore. You've been together long enough to know that. She's fine with the current situation, but you are not. It's not in your power to change her. You shouldn't try to bend yourself so far as to be OK with the situation. So the one thing you can try to address is the situation itself.

 

You love her, and both of you care about your kids, so I'm sure you don't want to leave her. Some directions in which I can see this going are:

1. Keep on, and feel miserable.

2. Turn this into some kind of platonic relationship. Think about common interests, things you like to do together. Find out if she's interested in doing more of those, in exchange for no sex. She as good as told you to seek sex and maybe romance elsewhere, but that will probably be hard for you if you still feel like being in a relationship with her. Nevertheless, it is an option.

3. Become housemates. Keep living with her, for the kid's sake. But grief the end of the relationship, and eventually seek a new partner. Another hard option, living together while the relationship is breaking apart. If there is residual resentment, the kids will suffer, no matter how hard you try to hide it from them. You'd have to become actual friends after the romantic break-up in order to make this work.

4. Leave.

 

I usually advise people to communicate with their partner in order to sort things out. But in your case, I got the impression that it would make more sense for you to make up your mind first, and talk with her later. But: all of this is coming from someone with no practical relationship experience, so please take it with more than a grain of salt. I'm posting it in the hope that some of my suggestions could give you ideas for better solutions. Meanwhile, have some cake... :cake: :-)

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Struggling1   
Struggling1
2 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

When my wife tells me that at least I know she won't cheat, I tell her of a commercial for a car security system where the alternative security system was shown as chains, armed guards, electric fences and attack dogs and then the woman in the commercial turn to the camera and says, "Great. So now, how do I get out?" It is the same thing here: the fact that your wife won't have romance or sex with anyone else doesn't make it better that she is basically a rude housemate to you. 

So what are you doing? -- in relation to you being married to the same type or similar type of woman. 

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Struggling1   
Struggling1
6 hours ago, Treesarepretty said:

Did she tell you, too, that she would drop you off at a clinic and not come back until after you'd had a vasectomy? *nervous laughter* 

 No, she had me cancel the vasectomy because she said I may want to have children with another woman down the road  (Half jokingly) and said that there is a chance that reversal does not work. Only recently she told me that the main reason she told me to cancel it was because she did not want to feel guilted into having more sex with me  because of putting myself through the surgery.  I am not sure which is worse, yours or mine. 

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Treesarepretty   
Treesarepretty
3 hours ago, Struggling1 said:

So what are you doing? -- in relation to you being married to the same type or similar type of woman. 

Until recently I just tried to be a better husband, but then I reached the point where I didn't know what else to improve. We had a really big fight about 6 weeks ago where I walked out and almost didn't return. Since then she has changed the way she treats me and I am trying to get her to come with me to couple's counselling in an effort to get us to stay this way. 

 

If you want the long version, the thread where I talk about everything is here: 

 

Edited by Treesarepretty
I had half of a sentence just kind of dangling in there.

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Treesarepretty   
Treesarepretty
15 minutes ago, Struggling1 said:

 No, she had me cancel the vasectomy because she said I may want to have children with another woman down the road  (Half jokingly) and said that there is a chance that reversal does not work. Only recently she told me that the main reason she told me to cancel it was because she did not want to feel guilted into having more sex with me  because of putting myself through the surgery.  I am not sure which is worse, yours or mine. 

*more nervous laughter* 

 

That is terrifying for me because we don't have kids yet. My wife sometimes put it as though she were getting a dog fixed. "Puppy" is her pet name for me, so the dog comparison isn't THAT strange, and I don't think she knows the difference between neutering and vasectomies, but it still really bothered me. 

 

Back to something else I asked you, though, why does your wife want to be with you? Mine at least does like spending time with me and cuddling, but the reason it is important to her that we are married is that we will have an easier time buying a house that way. She wants to live in a big house, and sometimes says that an added benefit is that we can have separate bedrooms that way. Right now she doesn't bring that up, but it used to be pretty common for her to talk about whenever the subject of our long term living situation would come up. Would your wife be able to afford a house and housekeeper by herself? 

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Struggling1   
Struggling1
47 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

why does your wife want to be with you?

1. The kids

2. She doesn't want to be alone. 3. I think the prospect of her failing at something and others finding out about this would be embarrassing. 

All the more reason why I don't understand why she isn't more caring and willing to explore. 

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Struggling1   
Struggling1
51 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

Would your wife be able to afford a house and housekeeper by herself? 

Yes. She does very well. 

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Struggling1   
Struggling1
7 hours ago, Stheg said:

I'm curious what she wants out of marriage because it seems like she really doesn't want anything. Maybe you could ask her what she thinks about that. 

That's a good question. I think she wants a friend and companion. However she doesn't have many friends because I guess she just isn't good at that. Pretty sad. I want to be her friend but she makes it  damn near impossible. For an independent professional who dated a lot of girls I really don't know why I looked past significant problems for so long. I just cannot imagine divorce. 

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Treesarepretty   
Treesarepretty
On 10/12/2017 at 5:47 PM, Struggling1 said:

1. The kids

2. She doesn't want to be alone. 3. I think the prospect of her failing at something and others finding out about this would be embarrassing. 

All the more reason why I don't understand why she isn't more caring and willing to explore. 

 

1. It is possible for your kids to benefit from seeing two happy relationships with biological and step parents. I know that I am happy to have met my step parents, and I didn't like my biological parents fighting when I was little. 

 

2. I definitely understand this. 

 

3. This is definitely something that my wife shares. No one in her family has been devorced yet, even the long distance marriages where one party refuses to see the other. 

 

Maybe your wife just doesn't understand that you need more than two minutes of groans and eye rolling. When I ask my wife to touch me, she rubs my belly. When I ask her to touch me sexually, she lightly touches my butt. When I am more specific, she scratches my pelvis with her nails and refuses to go any closer because that is gross. She really thinks this is enough for anyone, even though I have told her it isn't. It could be that your wife is so repulsed by the idea of sex, or anything relating to sex, that she really thinks that what you are getting should be way more than enough to satisfy you. 

 

It is also a thing with my wife that she doesn't understand why sex with a specific person would be preferable to sex with a random person who is esthetically equal or better looking. Perhaps your wife also looks at it this way and thinks of sex for you as something akin to peeing, where you literally just have to release some pressure. 

 

All that being said, the consensus on here is that I should leave my wife, or that I should try only one more thing and then leave her. I really don't know what advice to give you, but I feel like I can definitely sympathize. 

 

Good luck. :cake: 

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