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nimbus

Online dating: Should you openly write on your profile that you're ace?

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Homer   
Homer
On 12.10.2017 at 2:23 AM, nimbus said:

CON: Decreased messages and attention from others.

How is that a CON? The messages you don't receive are those by people who won't be interested in you anyway, once they find out that you're asexual. Would you really want attention from those people?

 

You're saving everyone time and effort; I'd consider that to be a huge pro.

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InariYana   
InariYana

It would be great if there was a "sexual compatibility" filter on most dating sites which without using labels, would give everyone enough information. It could ask about attitude to sex: repulsed or indifferent or hell yeah enthusiastic. Ideal frequency - where you could put absolute zero or 3 times a day, types of sex that people might not want to do/might strongly desire. Preferred partners - could be based on gender, age, body type, fetishes. 

OKCupid asks many questions about sex and they can act as a filter, so it's a good start, but maybe sexuality section could be expanded somehow. 

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nimbus   
nimbus
16 hours ago, katydidd said:

I assume that would be your experience as well— sending messages rather than waiting to receive. This isn't just a baseless gendered assumption; data and statistics support this. I suppose that's why I'm not sure why you feel that stating your asexuality in your profile would limit your matches, since I'm assuming you'd mostly be doing the sending, not the receiving. So wouldn't you mostly be targeting other asexuals and not allosexuals?

Yes, I'd only be targeting other asexuals when sending messages. However, my initial assumption when creating this topic was that there might be aces who, for whatever reason, haven't stated on their dating profiles that they're ace; they may want privacy, they may not have discovered that asexuality is a label that fits them yet, etc. If there are ace women on OkCupid who haven't written "asexual" on their profiles, it would be much harder for me to find them and message them. This limits my matches (and theirs too). I'd be less likely to message someone who hasn't put it on their profile because I'd be taking a risk that they're sexual.

 

But maybe my initial assumption was wrong, maybe a majority of aces do openly mark their profiles as asexual. I think we're all in agreement here that being open and up-front about it is the only way to have realistic expectations of finding compatible relationships.

 

I'm new to asexuality and I think I'm still coming to terms with how small this minority is. On one hand, the dating options seem disappointingly limited compared to what I'd been expecting prior to discovering my asexuality; on the other hand, this limitation is obviously a great benefit because it helps to focus only on finding relationships that would be compatible.

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Moonchaser   
Moonchaser

I would definitely put it right out there. It just seems to me the process of finding someone is so convoluted as it is, why not speed it up by being as clear as possible. Think about looking around as an ace and how you'll feel if you come across a profile where the person says they're ace? You've just eliminated some time in the process, and whether you're compatible or not, at least you know this already.

 

Plus I can imagine someone who might message you and isn't ace to feel as if their time was wasted and wouldn't have been if your profile had said.

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Just like Jughead   
Just like Jughead

No. You should mislead people and trick them into going on dates with you. 

 

OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO PUT IT ON YOUR PEOFILE! 

 

If you don’t have the nerve to put it on your profile to let people know you have no business being there. 

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MrDane   
MrDane

@nimbus only a few would understand the term: asexual. My advice would be to say that stuff about not being interested in sex and not wanting sex. I havent read the whole thread, but perhaps also good idea to think about what kind (if any) of sexual compromise you could accept, in the ideal relationship with a patient and loveable sexual nice keeper-guy.

...and, as I have said before, dont promise anything that you are not willing to try to keep. 

 

If you say: "dont expect sex, perhaps ever!" Then it will limit your dating pool, but also filter a lot away, which can be better than spending hours with sex-desiring folks (like me) who would quite quickly wonder about sexual compatibility and who would like to have sex as a way to get more close and break down barriers.

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Nowhere Girl   
Nowhere Girl
On 15.10.2017 at 4:51 PM, InariYana said:

It would be great if there was a "sexual compatibility" filter on most dating sites which without using labels, would give everyone enough information. It could ask about attitude to sex: repulsed or indifferent or hell yeah enthusiastic.

Some people find it hard to imagine that there are people who don't like sex. :(

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Serran   
Serran
On 10/15/2017 at 10:51 AM, InariYana said:

It would be great if there was a "sexual compatibility" filter on most dating sites which without using labels, would give everyone enough information. It could ask about attitude to sex: repulsed or indifferent or hell yeah enthusiastic. Ideal frequency - where you could put absolute zero or 3 times a day, types of sex that people might not want to do/might strongly desire. Preferred partners - could be based on gender, age, body type, fetishes. 

OKCupid asks many questions about sex and they can act as a filter, so it's a good start, but maybe sexuality section could be expanded somehow. 

OkCupid offers asexual and demi. They also have a question about how often you need sex in a relationship, how long before you are willing , would you date someone that didn't want sex, etc. It's pretty extensive if you delve into their options. They also let you filter by age, body type , does or doesn't do drugs etc. 

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MrDane   
MrDane
On 15/10/2017 at 4:51 PM, InariYana said:

It would be great if there was a "sexual compatibility" filter on most dating sites which without using labels, would give everyone enough information. It could ask about attitude to sex: repulsed or indifferent or hell yeah enthusiastic. Ideal frequency - where you could put absolute zero or 3 times a day, types of sex that people might not want to do/might strongly desire. Preferred partners - could be based on gender, age, body type, fetishes. 

OKCupid asks many questions about sex and they can act as a filter, so it's a good start, but maybe sexuality section could be expanded somehow. 

Sure and there probably are some tickboxes like that? But at lot has to do with chemistry and dreaming. I would like to have intense sex several times a day, but would be better of with someone who could keep me grounded and thereby think about other important things in life. Best frequency would be sex two times a week in a mutual desired style. 

But we all know those who say, that they like long walks in nature, but in fact are sitting inside and dreaming about being like that. But again, if the rigth chemistry is there, perhaps it will make them get out of the house and go for a walk.

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nimbus   
nimbus
16 hours ago, MrDane said:

@nimbus only a few would understand the term: asexual. My advice would be to say that stuff about not being interested in sex and not wanting sex. I havent read the whole thread, but perhaps also good idea to think about what kind (if any) of sexual compromise you could accept, in the ideal relationship with a patient and loveable sexual nice keeper-guy.

...and, as I have said before, dont promise anything that you are not willing to try to keep. 

 

If you say: "dont expect sex, perhaps ever!" Then it will limit your dating pool, but also filter a lot away, which can be better than spending hours with sex-desiring folks (like me) who would quite quickly wonder about sexual compatibility and who would like to have sex as a way to get more close and break down barriers.

 

Yes, it's important to set up the right kind of expectations. I don't want anyone to expect sex from me and can't say that will change in the future. I was going to word it something like the paragraph below on my profile. What do you think, is this clear enough? Trying to keep it short and positive:

Quote

I'm asexual and do not want to have sex. Despite that, I'm still interested in a relationship with love and cuddles. If you'd like to know more about asexuality, just ask.

 

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