Jump to content

Online dating: Should you openly write on your profile that you're ace?


nimbus

Recommended Posts

I'm curious what people here think about whether it's a good idea to openly state one's ace-spectrum identity on an online dating profile. I was thinking of possibly making an OkCupid account but am torn between writing on my profile that I'm ace, keeping it private until the first few messages with people, or keeping it private until meeting people in-person. Anyone have experience with these different approaches? I have zero experience with online dating or ace dating.

 

Some initial thoughts on advantages and disadvantages of each option:

 

Openly stating you're asexual in your profile.

  • PRO: Full transparency, not hiding anything from potential partners, no surprises later.
  • PRO: Not wasting time or emotions interacting with people who aren't ace-friendly.
  • PRO: Other aces will more easily find you on the site.
  • PRO: Help spread awareness about asexuality.
  • CON: People might misunderstand what asexuality means and arrive at the wrong conclusions.
  • CON: You don't get to have much influence on how they understand your asexuality.
  • CON: It's public. Everyone knows, including people who you might rather not tell.
  • CON: Decreased messages and attention from others.
  • CON: You might receive negative messages about being ace.

 

Revealing that you're asexual only after the first few messages.

  • PRO: You have more privacy and can choose to tell some people but not others.
  • PRO: You get to have slightly more influence on how they understand your asexuality.
  • CON: Doesn't help other aces find you on the dating site.
  • CON: Fewer responses.

 

Revealing that you're asexual only after meeting people in-person.

  • PRO: You get to have the most influence on how they understand your asexuality.
  • PRO: You have the most privacy and can choose to tell some people but not others.
  • PRO: More messages and attention from others (though perhaps not the right kind).
  • CON: People who aren't ace-friendly might feel like you've wasted their time or emotions.
  • CON: Doesn't help other aces find you on the dating site.
Link to post
Share on other sites

The thing is that I really don't want people messaging me on that sort of thing without the context that I'm ace. Anything else is a misconception that I'm gonna be openly sexual with them, if sexual at all. If they message me, and then I reveal to them that I'm ace and they stop messaging me, odds are the relationship wouldn't have worked out in the first place. Maybe my perspective is skewed as a demi, but that's the way I see it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Salted Karamel

I'm with Groobly on that you really don't want to be wasting your time with people who wouldn't be interested if they knew you were ace.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You're both right, I guess the biggest concern is people assuming by default that you're willing to be sexual with them unless specified otherwise. I wouldn't want to waste time with people who aren't ace-friendly. But it also feels like being open about it would significantly reduce the amount of social interactions on the site, as I'd assume 99% of people would close my profile when they see I'm not interested in sex, right? I have no idea what I'm doing here – is OkCupid even worthwhile for aces? Is it realistic to hope to find people open to asexual relationships on that site?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If I were on a dating site, I wouldn't reach out to a guy who didn't have "ace" in his profile, and likewise I would really hesitate before responding to that guy if he initiated contact.  If he then told me "I'm ace too", I'd be inclined to suspect he's just pretending so he can get to know me.  I dunno, maybe I'm just suspicious and pessimistic. 

 

I do know from non-online dating experience that it's best to bring it up as soon as possible, otherwise feelings get hurt and friendships lost.

 

Quote

CON: People might misunderstand what asexuality means and arrive at the wrong conclusions.

CON: You don't get to have much influence on how they understand your asexuality.

It's true they could misunderstand, and possibly think you're celibate instead.  But at least by putting it up front, you show you're open to conversation that allows you to clarify what asexuality means.

 

Quote

I have no idea what I'm doing here – is OkCupid even worthwhile for aces? Is it realistic to hope to find people open to asexual relationships on that site?

There's a few forum posts on this very topic.  I think people are still trying to answer that question.

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, nimbus said:

You're both right, I guess the biggest concern is people assuming by default that you're willing to be sexual with them unless specified otherwise. I wouldn't want to waste time with people who aren't ace-friendly. But it also feels like being open about it would significantly reduce the amount of social interactions on the site, as I'd assume 99% of people would close my profile when they see I'm not interested in sex, right? I have no idea what I'm doing here – is OkCupid even worthwhile for aces? Is it realistic to hope to find people open to asexual relationships on that site?

I'm sure they're on there, but at the same time that's a website for the average dating scene, and a big part of that is inevitably sex. I'd say most people on that website looking for a date have that in their minds. Though, in the end it's your judgement call. A Google search for asexual dating websites doesn't turn up much, unfortunately. <_<

I guess in the end we're on our own.

Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, Euna said:

If I were on a dating site, I wouldn't reach out to a guy who didn't have "ace" in his profile, and likewise I would really hesitate before responding to that guy if he initiated contact.  If he then told me "I'm ace too", I'd be inclined to suspect he's just pretending so he can get to know me.  I dunno, maybe I'm just suspicious and pessimistic. 

That's a great point. It's like a vetting process where their honesty is proven by being open about being ace.

 

50 minutes ago, Groobly said:

I'm sure they're on there, but at the same time that's a website for the average dating scene, and a big part of that is inevitably sex. I'd say most people on that website looking for a date have that in their minds. Though, in the end it's your judgement call. A Google search for asexual dating websites doesn't turn up much, unfortunately. <_<

I guess in the end we're on our own.

With aces being such a small minority, it seems like the community only truly has websites to meet each other. I read about the black "ace ring" on the right middle finger as a way to identify other aces and as a reminder to oneself. I wear a ring occasionally but the odds of coincidentally meeting other aces through it seem minimal and I wouldn't expect anyone to even notice it, let alone know what it means. I also just saw there's ace-book.net, I wonder if that's worth looking into as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What's a good way to say you're ace on a dating profile? Is something like this enough?

Quote

I'm asexual and do not want to have sex. Despite that, I'm still interested in a relationship with love and cuddles. You can read more about asexuality at http://asexuality.org.

I'm thinking it should be short and non-confrontational, but also deter anyone from trying to push boundaries.

Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, nimbus said:

With aces being such a small minority, it seems like the community only truly has websites to meet each other. I read about the black "ace ring" on the right middle finger as a way to identify other aces and as a reminder to oneself. I wear a ring occasionally but the odds of coincidentally meeting other aces through it seem minimal and I wouldn't expect anyone to even notice it, let alone know what it means. I also just saw there's ace-book.net, I wonder if that's worth looking into as well.

Yeah, it probably works in a place that has a high number of asexual people, but where I live I doubt it'd draw much attention. Yeah, that was a website I saw when I did the search, but it was mentioned in a post on these forums from 2008, so I assumed it'd be defunct by now.

 

2 minutes ago, nimbus said:

What's a good way to say you're ace on a dating profile? Is something like this enough?

I'm thinking it should be short and non-confrontational, but also deter anyone from trying to push boundaries.

Sure, that'll work! Maybe take out the website to read up on, cause if someone messages you they'll probably naturally have questions about asexuality and then you can direct them from there, but it's up to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Groobly said:

Yeah, it probably works in a place that has a high number of asexual people, but where I live I doubt it'd draw much attention. Yeah, that was a website I saw when I did the search, but it was mentioned in a post on these forums from 2008, so I assumed it'd be defunct by now.

 

Sure, that'll work! Maybe take out the website to read up on, cause if someone messages you they'll probably naturally have questions about asexuality and then you can direct them from there, but it's up to you.

Interesting idea about leaving out the site address to make it into more of a discussion. Thanks for these tips. Maybe instead something like this:

Quote

I'm asexual and do not want to have sex. Despite that, I'm still interested in a relationship with love and cuddles. If you'd like to know more about asexuality, just ask.

I guess this could potentially invite some invasive/annoying/personal questions, like "are you a plant?" or "were you abused?", but I could deal with those if they became an issue. I can see how it could be worth opening up discussions instead of just sending people away to a website.

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, nimbus said:

Interesting idea about leaving out the site address to make it into more of a discussion. Thanks for these tips. Maybe instead something like this:

I guess this could potentially invite some invasive/annoying/personal questions, like "are you a plant?" or "were you abused?", but I could deal with those if they became an issue. I can see how it could be worth opening up discussions instead of just sending people away to a website.

I like the second one a lot more. If they ask questions like that it'd be a red flag for me, since they're very personal. Yeah, that was my idea. I'm sure they'd rather hear what your asexuality is to you than what a website has to say about it, even if the website is pretty great (which it is :P).

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Groobly said:

I like the second one a lot more. If they ask questions like that it'd be a red flag for me, since they're very personal. Yeah, that was my idea. I'm sure they'd rather hear what your asexuality is to you than what a website has to say about it, even if the website is pretty great (which it is :P).

These are all great points. Thanks. I'm feeling better about the idea of putting up a profile. Maybe on ace-book.net at first since it seems like a safer place to start, but as you said earlier that site looks kind of dormant.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I used OKCupid for a little while before I got with my current partner. I openly listed on my profile that I did not want a sexual relationship and invited questions about it (even if people weren't interested in me, they were free to ask me questions). I got a few ... ignorant replies, but mostly just curious people who were respectful. And one guy I ended up going on three dates with and he was completely respectful of it, we were able to freely talk about it on the second date and he was super careful about consent ("Can I give you a hug? Can I kiss you?" etc). We didn't click romantically ( I really can't develop feelings that fast and he obviously was, so I ended it to avoid leading him on and gave him an explanation and everything and he thanked me for my time) so we didn't become a couple, but it was all perfectly fine. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
arekathevampyre

since I am aro , I don't have any experience on this but I feel that if I were to find potential partners , I will be up front and transparent about my ace-ness so that it will not cause trouble at a later stage in the relationship . I am not sure , just saying . 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity

One question. One answer: YES!! Of course!

 

Since online dating is always connected to sex (99,9%) you must highlight the difference clearly in advance!! Otherwise it may turn out worse for both sites.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
arekathevampyre
3 minutes ago, Serran said:

I used OKCupid for a little while before I got with my current partner. I openly listed on my profile that I did not want a sexual relationship and invited questions about it (even if people weren't interested in me, they were free to ask me questions). I got a few ... ignorant replies, but mostly just curious people who were respectful. And one guy I ended up going on three dates with and he was completely respectful of it, we were able to freely talk about it on the second date and he was super careful about consent ("Can I give you a hug? Can I kiss you?" etc). We didn't click romantically ( I really can't develop feelings that fast and he obviously was, so I ended it to avoid leading him on and gave him an explanation and everything and he thanked me for my time) so we didn't become a couple, but it was all perfectly fine. 

This is good . Shows that they were pretty understanding . :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Salted Karamel
21 hours ago, nimbus said:

You're both right, I guess the biggest concern is people assuming by default that you're willing to be sexual with them unless specified otherwise. I wouldn't want to waste time with people who aren't ace-friendly. But it also feels like being open about it would significantly reduce the amount of social interactions on the site, as I'd assume 99% of people would close my profile when they see I'm not interested in sex, right? I have no idea what I'm doing here – is OkCupid even worthwhile for aces? Is it realistic to hope to find people open to asexual relationships on that site?

Yes, but this is the whole point. Anyone who closes your profile (and I have no idea if that would actually be 99% of women viewing your profile but I suspect not) as soon as they see "asexual" is doing so because your asexuality is a dealbreaker for them. So weed them out early. What are you hoping to happen with those people otherwise? That they're going to "come around" to asexuality once they find out how awesome you are?

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you are adamant about not having sex I probably would, unless you're a fan of attracting people who will inevitably dump you when they do find out and just wasting both parties' time.

 

Quote

What are you hoping to happen with those people otherwise? That they're going to "come around" to asexuality once they find out how awesome you are?

That honestly is the hope a lot of asexuals have  They see their chances of ever encountering a compatible person that's asexual like they are to be so unlikely that even this would be a more likely result to hope for.

Link to post
Share on other sites
EggplantWitch

I used OKC for a while, and maybe marking my sexuality as ace (I used both Asexual and Straight, since that's about as close as you can get to split attraction and explains it well enough) did decrease the amount of messages I got... but I still got a lot, or what felt like a lot to little old me. When I had A-List and could measure that sort of thing I used to get about 80-100 Likes a week, and at the times when I was using it most I could be talking to upwards of about 5 guys at once. Which got a bit exhausting sometimes! I do accept that men and women have very different experiences on dating websites, however, and you might not be able to get away with being as much of a wallflower as I did.

 

The thing with OKC is that it the questions it asks you get broken into different chunks, and the chunks get measured against everyone else's chunks, so theoretically if you answer all the sex chunk questions with 'er no' then you won't ever get matched with someone who answers 'hell yes'. With the filter turned on I had, out of over a hundred different conversations (probably), only one creepy sexual message. Not many guys even brought up the asexuality thing, and those that did were politely curious at the absolute worst. If you avoid people who haven't answered many questions (less than about 200, I'd say) and if you turn the filter on, I'd be very very surprised if you had more negative experiences than positive.

 

Because I was more interested in just chatting to people than dating I was more comfortable with declaring asexuality from the start, but if that's not the case for you then use your judgement, declare it when you feel comfortable. But it is better to be open from as early on as possible, as everyone else has already said.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous

I made an OKCupid account a while back, one that I very quickly lost interest in using, but I did explicitly state that I was asexual on my profile. OKC even has an option for it in the sexuality options, which I thought was cool.


For the time I was on the site, it was pretty much a non-issue, I just felt better having it on my profile so I didn't have to give The Disclaimer to every single person I talked to. I think only one person messaged me specifically to poke at that, which was easy to ignore. I'm sure it did discourage some people from being interested in me (people I won't have gotten on with anyway, I'd imagine) but I still got plenty of messages, and I definitely didn't lack attention.

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Serran said:

I used OKCupid [...] And one guy I ended up going on three dates with and he was completely respectful of it, we were able to freely talk about it on the second date and he was super careful about consent ("Can I give you a hug? Can I kiss you?" etc). We didn't click romantically ( I really can't develop feelings that fast and he obviously was, so I ended it to avoid leading him on and gave him an explanation and everything and he thanked me for my time) so we didn't become a couple, but it was all perfectly fine. 

That's a nice story and encouraging to hear it's possible to find people who are so open to asexuality on OkCupid.

 

2 hours ago, katydidd said:

Yes, but this is the whole point. Anyone who closes your profile (and I have no idea if that would actually be 99% of women viewing your profile but I suspect not) as soon as they see "asexual" is doing so because your asexuality is a dealbreaker for them. So weed them out early. What are you hoping to happen with those people otherwise? That they're going to "come around" to asexuality once they find out how awesome you are?

Hahaha! Well, no, I wouldn't want to waste time with people who see asexuality as a dealbreaker. You're right, it's better to filter them out by being open about being ace. I suppose my concern is more about how I've heard others have experienced online dating (to which EggplantWitch has alluded). Apparently, men's experiences are generally centered around sending lots of initial, first-contact messages and hoping for replies, whereas women's experiences are generally centered around receiving overwhelming quantities of messages, replying to few, and sending few first-contact messages. This is purely generalization, obviously not always applicable, and I have no idea if it's true because I haven't tried it for myself. That said, these generalizations are for sexual people. If sexual men receive very few first-contacts from women, I'm assuming I'd receive even fewer when I put "asexual" on my profile; but, as you say, that would be for the best.

 

Having written that, I think I'm just sad about how gender roles limit people's behaviour. Maybe ace dating doesn't have the same problem? I'm guessing it's a mixed bag. Honestly, I can't see myself sending lots of first messages and I'd like to receive some.

 

2 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

I used OKC for a while, and maybe marking my sexuality as ace [...] did decrease the amount of messages I got... but I still got a lot, or what felt like a lot to little old me. When I had A-List and could measure that sort of thing I used to get about 80-100 Likes a week, and at the times when I was using it most I could be talking to upwards of about 5 guys at once. Which got a bit exhausting sometimes! I do accept that men and women have very different experiences on dating websites, however, and you might not be able to get away with being as much of a wallflower as I did.

 

The thing with OKC is that it the questions it asks you get broken into different chunks, and the chunks get measured against everyone else's chunks, so theoretically if you answer all the sex chunk questions with 'er no' then you won't ever get matched with someone who answers 'hell yes'. With the filter turned on I had, out of over a hundred different conversations (probably), only one creepy sexual message. Not many guys even brought up the asexuality thing, and those that did were politely curious at the absolute worst. If you avoid people who haven't answered many questions (less than about 200, I'd say) and if you turn the filter on, I'd be very very surprised if you had more negative experiences than positive. [...]

Sounds like you got a ton of attention. Were many of the guys you talked to ace? And thanks for the tip about avoiding people who haven't answered enough match questions. I happened to find a blog post someone made about that, on how to strategically answer OkCupid's questions related to asexuality so you match higher with aces and lower with sexuals: https://robinenby.wordpress.com/2014/11/02/locate-asexual-people-on-okcupid/

Link to post
Share on other sites

Here's how I think about it...
If I don't want to say that I'm asexual, I'm not going to, because I think it's sick that the general assumption is that I would sleep with someone given the opportunity.
The assumption should be to NOT ASSUME THAT, thankyouverymuch.

Link to post
Share on other sites

One should definitely make clear that they are not interested in sex, whether they call themselves asexual or not doesn't matter.

 

You're saving everyone a ton of time and effort if you openly state that you're not looking for something the vast majority of people regard as an essential part of what they want their relationships to look like. If I were into this online stuff, I'd make it clear as day that I'd rather cut my leg off than to breed. That way other people could just skip my profile and be done with it.

 

I view it as the logical thing to do, especially since we're all aware of the role sex can have in average sexual people's life. This isn't even about getting your head around why that is, it's just accepting the fact that this is the case.

Link to post
Share on other sites

On a note of first contacts ... Yes men don't receive as many, probably because women receive so many so why bother if you already have 10+ to respond to? 

 

But I found it useful to look for the question they have on there about would you date someone who didn't want sex. If that was a no, I didn't bother replying to anyone. The few first contact messages I sent never got a reply. 

 

Honestly I find the whole dating game tiring. I prefer just making friends and going from there. But it's possible to find some people who are understanding on there. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere

I have no experience with OK Cupid. I tried the dating part of Poland's biggest queer portal. First I tried looking for interesting women in my area - mostly didn't click (I remember a girl with whom I tried twice to go to a concert together... she just didn't come), for one girl asexuality clearly was a dealbreaker. Than I put up my own message, openly stating that I'm ace. Still, it also didn't work too well. Not too many responses - the same-sex dating pool is smaller anyway... And even when I starting talking on the phone with one woman, it just didn't click. I guess I can't develop feelings that quickly too... Now I'm interested in someone offline, so at least for now no more online dating attempts.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is going to sound majorly counter-intuitive but I've ventured into the sex-saturated wildlands of Tinder and been openly ace. I actually ended up making a friend, someone who knows other aces and we've had some good chats about it all, but obviously Tinder is never going to be fertile ground for lasting asexual relationships! I think I only went on it to kind of affirm my own asexual identity back when I was first coming to terms with it, to make the distinction clear in my head. Looking back it probably wasn't the best way to do things but fortunately I never had any insensitive/creepy responses.

Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, seajams said:

 Looking back it probably wasn't the best way to do things but fortunately I never had any insensitive/creepy responses.

Wow, I'd have expected some on tinder. The worst I ever got was on OKCupid one guy was like "Well, I'm bored and you don't care about sex... so wanna just do it out of boredom?" and I was like... no? :lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, seajams said:

This is going to sound majorly counter-intuitive but I've ventured into the sex-saturated wildlands of Tinder and been openly ace. I actually ended up making a friend, someone who knows other aces and we've had some good chats about it all, but obviously Tinder is never going to be fertile ground for lasting asexual relationships! I think I only went on it to kind of affirm my own asexual identity back when I was first coming to terms with it, to make the distinction clear in my head. Looking back it probably wasn't the best way to do things but fortunately I never had any insensitive/creepy responses.

Wow, that's pretty cool! That's like a one in a million chance of happening on that website lol. I like your reason for being there, though. It makes sense and helped cement how you felt about your sexuality. That kind of thing is really important.

 

Some of the scummiest people I've ever seen my sister date have come from that website though. I'm not a fan of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Salted Karamel
On 10/13/2017 at 0:16 AM, nimbus said:

Hahaha! Well, no, I wouldn't want to waste time with people who see asexuality as a dealbreaker. You're right, it's better to filter them out by being open about being ace. I suppose my concern is more about how I've heard others have experienced online dating (to which EggplantWitch has alluded). Apparently, men's experiences are generally centered around sending lots of initial, first-contact messages and hoping for replies, whereas women's experiences are generally centered around receiving overwhelming quantities of messages, replying to few, and sending few first-contact messages. This is purely generalization, obviously not always applicable, and I have no idea if it's true because I haven't tried it for myself. That said, these generalizations are for sexual people. If sexual men receive very few first-contacts from women, I'm assuming I'd receive even fewer when I put "asexual" on my profile; but, as you say, that would be for the best.

 

Having written that, I think I'm just sad about how gender roles limit people's behaviour. Maybe ace dating doesn't have the same problem? I'm guessing it's a mixed bag. Honestly, I can't see myself sending lots of first messages and I'd like to receive some.

 

I assume that would be your experience as well— sending messages rather than waiting to receive. This isn't just a baseless gendered assumption; data and statistics support this. I suppose that's why I'm not sure why you feel that stating your asexuality in your profile would limit your matches, since I'm assuming you'd mostly be doing the sending, not the receiving. So wouldn't you mostly be targeting other asexuals and not allosexuals?

 

FWIW, as a woman I'd be far more open to messaging an asexual man than an allosexual one, if I were online dating. For me, the biggest deterrent to "making the first move" so to speak (online or otherwise) was that men would see that as some kind of sexual entitlement to me. Without that component, I'd have little reason to be cautious. I can't speak for other ace-spec folk but I don't think it's unlikely that ace dating is different for that reason.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/11/2017 at 11:09 PM, nimbus said:

What's a good way to say you're ace on a dating profile? Is something like this enough?

I didn't read all of the replies, but in my experience, people outside of this community don't really know what an "ace" is. So saying you are an "ace" on okcupid might allow you to be a bit incognito to those who might be negative, but communicate to those who would be ace-positive.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...